Re: Self dilemma between two needs

[Guest guest]

Lastly, Soozy, would you be willing to type the extra few keystrokes in the future? ;)Y?Your post made me laugh! As someone who suffers from perfectionism and has struggled with checking I actually used an abbreviation for once. After writing it I immediately thought "People will think I'm ignorant but as an exposure I can live with that!" I hardly ever abbreviate but did so this time to demonstrate that my comment about tests should not be taken too seriously. I was experimenting using a different register!My therapist in his first e-mail to me commented that he resisted correcting his typos (I mean typographical errors) to set me a good example. It took me a while to agree to follow suit. I even have trouble studying as I feel the need to write

full sentences and not use abbreviations when taking notes!

However you may tan my hide cos I am willing to pay for my sin:-)S., ex-pedant... I mean teacher!

[Guest guest]

>> However you may tan my hide cos I am willing to pay for my sin:-)

Your whole post was fun to read, but this line cracked me up -- thanks for the chuckle and for lightening up the mood! It's a reminder for me to not take life too seriously.

Helena

Re: Self dilemma between two needs

Lastly, Soozy, would you be willing to type the extra few keystrokes in the future? ;)Y?Your post made me laugh! As someone who suffers from perfectionism and has struggled with checking I actually used an abbreviation for once. After writing it I immediately thought "People will think I'm ignorant but as an exposure I can live with that!" I hardly ever abbreviate but did so this time to demonstrate that my comment about tests should not be taken too seriously. I was experimenting using a different register!My therapist in his first e-mail to me commented that he resisted correcting his typos (I mean typographical errors) to set me a good example. It took me a while to agree to follow suit. I even have trouble studying as I feel the need to write full sentences and not use abbreviations when taking notes!

However you may tan my hide cos I am willing to pay for my sin:-)S., ex-pedant... I mean teacher!

[Guest guest]

Hi I used to get bothered about other peoples use of "correct" language. (I am also a compulsive proof reader and I'm sure it drives my colleagues nuts sometimes, as I always notice spelling and grammatical errors, mind you they probably occasionally see it as useful too. I have caught a couple of doozies before things went to press.)Anyway, now I'm not so uptight about this "correct" language stuff and even use abbreviations and text speak myself! LOL ;-) I don't take the whole thing so seriously any more. If a student of mine didn't use "correct" language in an essay, that would be my right to correct them, but even then the definition of "correct" is changing all the time, it's all relative! Language changes and evolves, that's its nature.In the end it's good to "hold these things lightly", notice the emotional reaction one has, see how one is getting hooked into judgements etc - is any of it useful? Can one control what others do? Is it feasible to expect others to change their behaviour to prevent one's own discomfort? Perfect opportunity to practice ACT here.KateHi group,I am not entirely sure what value the following need of mine would represent, so some advice from others would be greatly appreciated.I am at my computer quite often and hence read a lot of information, I notice myself reacting to writing that has been shortened. I understand that it has largely grown from mobile phone SMS usage to conserve space in the short message, though I am at a loss why some people continue to write this way when there is no issues with email or posting size. When I need to use SMS, I always use the complete word rather than their shortened derivatives such as CU, how R U or B4.......So, an example which I just came up with might be along the lines;How RU, I am G8 M8, CU B4 Fri.Meaning;How are you? I am great mate, see you before Friday thenOn this forum, an example that springs to mind just now is when I read a reply post from soozy and see the word 'cos' I find myself reacting. The post was 'That's OK then cos I hate tests' in response to Making Australia Happy.So, rather than keep it to myself, I thought I would put it out there.To me, 'cos' is a mathematical term representing the cosine function.I am thinking in the context of the post it appears to have been substituted for the word 'because'.One of my needs is for the correct use of language.I am also imagining people who are not so proficient in the English language who may be reading these posts or even engaging in the forum, may find it somewhat confusing.Conversely, another need of mine is for acceptance, and this is my dilemma.On the one hand I appreciate good use of language while on the other hand I want to know that I have acceptance of others?So, any advice or similar experiences on how other people have found such issues.Lastly, Soozy, would you be willing to type the extra few keystrokes in the future? >> That's OK then cos I hate tests. > Â > On the other hand if I can register as someone else it won't hurt so much not to pass maybe?> Â > S.>

[Guest guest]

This ACT list serve insists on putting >>> in the original post(s) when

replying. And also strange characters in letters. Such as Â

Either I can;

accept this as is

choose not to participate in this list serve cause this really bothers me

correct these oversights when I post - which I have done below - I took out the

> but kept in the Â

I too sit in front of a computer for 10 -12 hours a day and this list serve is

challenging at times to read but I value the information I get from it so I will

participate.

That's OK then cos I hate tests.

ÂÂ

On the other hand if I can register as someone else it won't hurt so much not to

pass maybe?

ÂÂ

S.

[Guest guest]

Hi , Kate, Helena and SoozyThank you for your thoughts and for replying.I know for me right now, I am feeling a little overwhelmed with my need to reply back, as so many thoughts come through my mind about things to write.So I will try to do do this in a methodical approach as best as possible for me.Helena,I understand what you are saying when you write 'perhaps

you could let go of the need ...' though if this were possible for me I would not have written the post.It is something that I have come up against for quite a while and no matter how I approach it I find myself stuck with noticing that I react to reading shortened language.I am mindful of the fact that I am noticing it, and in that, trying to consciously make the choice not to speak up with being critical of other people cos because of of my need.I know the many things I suffer from do originate from a point of wanting to be perfect, and that I pass on this expectation to others.Quite frankly, I despise myself for this and would rather wish I could chill out about so much in my life.Oddly, there are times that this is the case for me, so I guess I would like to be more consistent with having total acceptance of others.I have always found myself needing to walk the fine line of not stepping on others toes, in fact to make sure that I see that they are not being upset through my actions and proving that I am correct.In the past I was blissfully unaware of these traits, but now I see myself for who I am, and often reflect upon how I engage with others only to beat my self up wishing I had been more compassionate.Yes, ttfn, I remember that one, and thought it in some way cute.Kate,I like how you say 'Language changes and evolves, that's its nature'. I am fascinated with how many languages there are on planet Earth, maybe some that haven't yet been discovered.I hope how language may evolve will not be detrimental and become too cryptic.Soozy,I hope I may call you that as you sign off with just an S, and I would be guessing what S stands for?When I read your reply I smiled and felt relieved straight away, so I appreciate your comments, noticing that you chose not to be defensive, but rather to bring play and humour into your reply.For me, that is powerful, and has helped me greatly and that is 'Y'Consider your hide well and truly tanned cos because you wanted it ;)I feel more included and accepted, knowing that I am not the only one that might suffer from these afflictions.Maybe an approach to help me alleviate my reactions would be for me to make use of shortened language,

though I can feel myself shudder at the thought,Yes, I understand and can agree with you that I too find the format

of this yahoo list not the easiest to read.I only joined yahoo so as to join a few groups hosted by yahoo, as my normal everyday email is on Gmail.I have just this afternoon looked at various setting for yahoo and have successfully been able to have my Mac Mail application bring in the posts via the IMAP protocol rather that reading and replying via the web site.I find the little box that they provide you to type in far too small and I just feel restricted and limited by their

website method.The very things you mention about what bothers you has been true fro me as well, and has been a part of why it has taken me quite some time to make any post at all.If you were to look at how other forums operate, in terms of layout appearance and how easy it is to navigate, I only wish this ACT forum could have the same, really.So, you write that the '>' is used to indicate quoted text from an email in replying or forwarding, with an extra '>' added each time there is an additional reply.What you can do is, to do exactly what you have done, which can be time consuming if you are doing things web based.If you use an email client or application on your computer, you can simply highlight the text and select 'Reduce Indentation' or what ever it may be called in your application.Also, I have found myself getting frustrated with how long the length of each reply gets when there is an additional reply to a post, each time it is repeated from the beginning.So, to get around this I often delete all but the relevant parts of the topic.As for the strange symbols we are seeing, such as

'Â', I noticed that the yahoo help states that people using the dreaded Microsoft Windows operating system together with a mail application such as Outlook will give this problem.At first I thought is was because people from other countries that use different keyboard encodings was the cause, though apparently this may not be the cause.Maybe we can confirm this by asking Helena if she is using Microsoft Windows and a mail application such as Outlook?My apologies for going off the original topic here, I hope people will understand.Ok, I hope this post will work and appear correctly formatted how I intend without any problems, fingers

crossed.This ACT list serve insists on putting >>> in the original post(s) when replying. And also strange characters in letters. Such as ÂEither I can;accept this as ischoose not to participate in this list serve cause this really bothers mecorrect these oversights when I post - which I have done below - I took out the > but kept in the ÂI too sit in front of a computer for 10 -12 hours a day and this list serve is challenging at times to read but I value the information I get from it so I will participate.On 02/12/2010, at

09:12, cath7250 wrote:Hi I used to get bothered about other peoples use

of "correct" language. (I am also a compulsive proof reader and I'm sure it drives my colleagues nuts sometimes, as I always notice spelling and grammatical errors, mind you they probably occasionally see it as useful too. I have caught a couple of doozies before things went to press.)Anyway, now I'm not so uptight about this "correct" language stuff and even use abbreviations and text speak myself! LOL ;-) I don't take the whole thing so seriously any more. If a student of mine didn't use

"correct" language in an essay, that would be my right to correct them, but even then the definition of "correct" is changing all the time, it's all relative! Language changes and evolves, that's its nature.In the end it's good to "hold these things lightly", notice the emotional reaction one has, see how one is getting hooked into judgements etc - is any of it useful? Can one control what others do? Is it feasible to expect others to change their behaviour to prevent one's own

discomfort? Perfect opportunity to practice ACT here.KateLastly, Soozy, would you be willing to type the extra few keystrokes in the future? ;)Y?Your post made me laugh! As someone who suffers from perfectionism and has struggled with checking I actually used an abbreviation for once. After writing it I immediately thought "People will think I'm ignorant but as an exposure I can live with that!" I hardly ever abbreviate but did so this time to demonstrate that my comment about tests should not be taken too seriously. I was experimenting using a different register!My therapist in his first e-mail to me

commented that he resisted correcting his typos (I mean typographical errors) to set me a good example. It took me a while to agree to follow suit. I even have trouble studying as I feel the need to write full sentences and not use abbreviations when taking notes! However you may tan my hide cos I am willing to pay for my sin:-)S., ex-pedant... I mean teacher!That's OK then cos I hate tests.  On the other hand if I can register as someone else it won't hurt so much not to pass maybe?  S. Hi , Perhaps you could let go of the need for other people to use correct English and to avoid shortcuts like "cos", and then you won't feel responsible

for pointing out their errors and risk non acceptance by possibly offending them .  Dilemma resolved, not? Of course, if you are not sure what they are saying, you can ask for clarification without coming across as critical and risking non acceptance. By the way, I have the same desire to use correct English and really dislike it when others don't. But wanting acceptance from others means accepting them as well, even if they don't use proper English. ttfn (a friend signed off that way recently, and I had to google it to see what it meant) lolol Helena

[Guest guest]

Soozy,I hope I may call you that as you sign off with just an S, and I would be guessing what S stands for?

Hi ,

You may call me Soozy or anything else you like.

When I read your reply I smiled and felt relieved straight away, so I appreciate your comments, noticing that you chose not to be defensive, but rather to bring play and humour into your reply.

That's good!

For me, that is powerful, and has helped me greatly and that is 'Y'Consider your hide well and truly tanned cos because you wanted it ;)I feel more included and accepted, knowing that I am not the only one that might suffer from these afflictions.Maybe an approach to help me alleviate my reactions would be for me to make use of shortened language, though I can feel myself shudder at the thought.

I have actually practised deliberate imperfection, not that I need to make a deliberate attempt as I make as many mistakes as anyone else, of course. However, this allows me to be aware of all the anxiety imperfection causes me, all the time I waste being hypervigilant and self-critical and to realise that these feelings do pass and anxiety is survivable!

It also means making a choice, deciding what is really important in my life and looking at my values.

One example: I have suffered from body image problems most of my life so have always hated being photographed. I chose one day to frame a perfectly respectable picture of myself (but subjectively horrible at the time!) and my husband dating back 30 years and hang it up in my front room. At first it made me feel very anxious but now I hardly even give it a glance. Sometimes someone will see it and comment about my old-fashioned hairstyle in the picture and I will feel all those feelings of inferiority surge up again but I remind myself that this is only a picture. Do I want my life to be ruined by my self-judgement and fear of others' judgement of me? Does it make sense for me to ruin my life and also those I live with's lives? Do I want my life to be so affected by details? It's my choice!

I have experienced lots of anxiety posting on internet and in some groups where I post I have been pulled up and threatened with moderation for very minor offences e.g. poor formatting, and this has, believe me, made me very anxious and, yes, defensive! I try to remind myself that it's just a human response!

Language is about communication so for me it's content that matters most and people's need to communicate and share their experiences. I doubt whether language will ever evolve to be too cryptic for those using it as people's ability and need to communicate are what most influences the devlopment of language. Of course, the need to be cryptic and use codes or encryption will also be there but I guess in this forum the general aim is to express ourselves and be understood!

I was certainly brought up to be perfectionistic and educated in an exam driven system. Tests I hate cos they can potentially make me feel inferior, if I allow myself to be driven by perfectionism.

I ended up as a language teacher BTW. On the first page of one of our German course books there was a warning writ large saying IF YOU DON'T KNOW IT DON'T SAY IT! This was drummed into us regularly in all our modern language lessons so I learnt to be afraid of speaking spontaneously in case I made a mistake. At the same time I got very good at writing grammatically and learning vocabulary. Ironically I still worry about making mistakes when writing French or German but remember having wonderful holidays as a modern languages student in Italy communicating in broken Italian and even Latin with not a worry in the world.I was not "supposed" to know any Italian but just happily picked it up myself as I went along. I guess gesture came in handy in those holiday romances too and those handsome or even just averagely

good-looking Italians even managed to make me forget about my body image concerns some of the time.

So why not plan some spontaneous mistakes once in a while and then give yourself credit for risking imperfection. It takes time and hard work to stop setting yourself such high standards but it really does pay in the end.

Be kinder to yourself!

S.

[Guest guest]

Hi Soozy,Again, I appreciate your thoughts and effort into writing, it is a fine read too.I shall like to re-read your post again in the morning avec le café du martin.Oui, France, just spent 4 months there, enjoying merveilleux fromage, bagette frîche et un vin rouge.Until the month of May arrives again, I shall only half be there.In the meantime I shall try to practice the ACT of kindness toward myself.On a side note:I am told it might be 'International Day of People with Disability' tomorrow, Friday the 3rd.That's what my invitation for my local area tells me.

I have actually practised deliberate imperfection, not that I need to make a deliberate attempt as I make as many mistakes as anyone else, of course. However, this allows me to be aware of all the anxiety imperfection causes me, all the time I waste being hypervigilant and self-critical and to realise that these feelings do pass and anxiety is survivable!

It also means making a choice, deciding what is really important in my life and looking at my values.

One example: I have suffered from body image problems most of my life so have always hated being photographed. I chose one day to frame a perfectly respectable picture of myself (but subjectively horrible at the time!) and my husband dating back 30 years and hang it up in my front room. At first it made me feel very anxious but now I hardly even give it a glance. Sometimes someone will see it and comment about my old-fashioned hairstyle in the picture and I will feel all those feelings of inferiority surge up again but I remind myself that this is only a picture. Do I want my life to be ruined by my self-judgement and fear of others' judgement of me? Does it make sense for me to ruin my life and also those I live with's lives? Do I want my life to be so affected by details? It's my choice!

I have experienced lots of anxiety posting on internet and in some groups where I post I have been pulled up and threatened with moderation for very minor offences e.g. poor formatting, and this has, believe me, made me very anxious and, yes, defensive! I try to remind myself that it's just a human response!

Language is about communication so for me it's content that matters most and people's need to communicate and share their experiences. I doubt whether language will ever evolve to be too cryptic for those using it as people's ability and need to communicate are what most influences the devlopment of language. Of course, the need to be cryptic and use codes or encryption will also be there but I guess in this forum the general aim is to express ourselves and be understood!

I was certainly brought up to be perfectionistic and educated in an exam driven system. Tests I hate cos they can potentially make me feel inferior, if I allow myself to be driven by perfectionism.

I ended up as a language teacher BTW. On the first page of one of our German course books there was a warning writ large saying IF YOU DON'T KNOW IT DON'T SAY IT! This was drummed into us regularly in all our modern language lessons so I learnt to be afraid of speaking spontaneously in case I made a mistake. At the same time I got very good at writing grammatically and learning vocabulary. Ironically I still worry about making mistakes when writing French or German but remember having wonderful holidays as a modern languages student in Italy communicating in broken Italian and even Latin with not a worry in the world.I was not "supposed" to know any Italian but just happily picked it up myself as I went along. I guess gesture came in handy in those holiday romances too and those handsome or even just averagely

good-looking Italians even managed to make me forget about my body image concerns some of the time.

So why not plan some spontaneous mistakes once in a while and then give yourself credit for risking imperfection. It takes time and hard work to stop setting yourself such high standards but it really does pay in the end.

Be kinder to yourself!

S.

[Guest guest]

Subject: Re: Self dilemma between two needsTo: ACT_for_the_Public Date: Thursday, 2 December, 2010, 12:47 Hi Soozy,Again, I appreciate your thoughts and effort into writing, it is a fine read too.I shall like to re-read your post again in the morning avec le café du martin.Oui, France, just spent 4 months there, enjoying merveilleux fromage, bagette frîche et un vin rouge.Until the month of May arrives again, I shall only half be there.

Baguette sounds good and if you can buy it where you live you can pretend you are in France as you eat, !

Just thought I'd suggest a book for you that I have been working through: It's called "present perfect - a mindfulness approach to letting go of perfectionism ( Oh dear, the publisher forgot to capitalise the title!!!) It's by Pavel Somov, PhD (New Harbinger Publications)

He wrote a similar book called Eating the Moment, great for those who tend to devour their baguette mindlessly.

In the meantime I shall try to practice the ACT of kindness toward myself.

Great!

S.