update today

[Guest guest]

I did 12 minutes total yesterday and 12 minutes today, but of course, they weren't of equal value. Yesterday was an aerobic day, and today a Pilates instructional tape day. I realized that the slow pace of the instructional tape was bugging me and so I put it away. It is a sign that I'm not a prebeginner that I was before. When I did my very first workout, the movements were painful, and difficult to do. Now they are still difficult to do (due my middle not being as slender as the models, and my center of gravity is higher...) but not in any painful way.

I just finished watching a show about two extremely obese men, and I realized as I was watching it, how much they were lying to themselves (and the spouses to themselves as well) about how much they ate. They would talk about not liking how heavy they were, while there were potato chip bags on the night stand and other things.. It made me realize that I'm not always honest to myself as to how much I eat...that if I had stopped exercising, I could have easily gone the way of getting totally house bound, unable to move. I don't want that. I still don't want that. Yes, I have a chronic illness, that makes me tired, and yes, I could blame my weight on the low thyroid condition that I have. Yet...in the middle of this....is the fact that I'm the one choosing to eat, or not eat more than is "good" for me. I have choices. That it is these choices that have brought me to where I am at this exact point in time. I haven't had control over the illness in my life, but I do have control over what I put in my mouth, and whether I exercise each day. I think I was wishing for a panacea in exercise. That I could exercise and ignore the food intake. That is a mistake. So I am recommitting to the food journal, and while still not "dieting" (because of my history of bulimia) I don't have to let myself eat over a maintenance level each day. Not a diet, but a lifestyle. Not exactly on topic, I know, but it struck me that I was lying to myself not as extremely as they were but still, that I was somewhat. If you lie to yourself a little, then tomorrow, you can lie a little more, and a little more. And the men got angry when people tried to point out that they were doing this. They just couldn't see it, because they chose not to. Today, I choose to tell the truth, all of it, to myself, about myself.

Charlotte