a funny: A Santa Wish

[Guest guest]

Got this off another list I'm on, thought you all would like it.. I

wholeheartedly aggree with the wish

Casey

>>This is by far the most favorite piece of e-mail

that has come across my screen .... Martha is an out of

control

lunatic, I've been saying that for years. Read on...........

Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception.

I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy

slippers. I

only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.

>>> I want to slap Martha .

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or

anything.

Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all

cozy

inside just thinking about it.

Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women

across

the country.

Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us

all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't

concerned

with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our

paper

plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for

dinner.

We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from

hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold.

Unless it's of the furniture polish variety.

We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with

turmeric.

Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do

with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet

with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha

in

last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room

on the page

for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza

(she'sonly

ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is

Martha

REALLY Living?

When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied,

" I

don't have a microwave. "

The reporter, Zaslow, noted that she said this " in a tone

that

suggests you shouldn't either. " Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that,

Santa!

That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've

learned to

ma complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been

declared

undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The

coffee maker? In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of

dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you

say

" overkill " ? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to

the

dishwasher, that qualifies as " put away " in my house! >> Martha

tells us

she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. " Last

year, I

made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone, " she boasts. Not just

scarves, mind you.

Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself

a

little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency

that one

has to wonder if her back is black and blue...>> She goes on to

tell

us that " homemaking is glamour for the 90s " , and says her most

glamorous

friends are " interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram,

and how

to fold a towel. " I have one piece of advice, Martha: " Get new

friends.>>

Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the

Greek

Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They

step out

for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by

tuxedoed

chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of

toilet bowl

sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most

influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa,

Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt). The proof of

Martha's

influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the

supermarket,

Martha says, " People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were

all gone. "

I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early

to

rollerblade with her dogs and to pick fresh, wild blackberries for

breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along:

She's obviously got too much time on her hands.

And teaching the dogs to rollerblade - What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her

friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman

Library.

It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what

price

friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, " Don't envy

me.

I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy

teachers.You should listen to them. "

Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point,

because

once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back.

" Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable.

Never lower your standards, " says Martha. And of her Web Page

on the

Internet, Martha declares herself an " important presence " as she

graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who

deserved a good

smack, it's Martha . But I bet I won't get my gift this year.

You probably want to smack her yourself. Maybe just a chuck of

coal,

but she would know how to make a diamond out of that too!!