Re: Another Dear Abby Moment From Me

July 22, 2006

April, all full-time caregivers are put out with the family members, because

they feel the brunt of the burden, and to them it feels as if no one cares

about them, nor the patient. They will step up to the plate, that is the way

full-timers are, but they still resent the rest of the family. It seems just

about all I have ever heard resent the family for not helping out more.

So, you need to understand it from your brother's perspective, and then

reassure him, that you want to, but can't. After that do what you can.

Anyone with a major surgery, and all that you said your dad was having is a

major surgery, the patient doesn't always do well with anesthesia. They may

loose what cognition they have, even if the surgery doesn't kill them.

My sister had an aorta repaired, when she was sick with ALzheimer's. She did

get through it OK. But, my husband with LBD didn't do ok with surgery. He

was crazy as a bat for a couple of days. I prayed it wouldn't be permanent.

It is usually the hospital's policy is to place a mentally impaired person

into a nursing home for maybe up the three month limit on Medicare. It is done

for rehabilitation. If no one is there, then that is exactly what they will

do. So, whether your brother knows it or not, that is what will be done with

your father. He can even request it, because he won't be there to care for

your dad.

Do what your heart dictates, and not to worry about your brother's feelings

too much.

Is he really worrying about yours? He wants what he wants. I can understand,

but he is not living with your father. That is five times harder on the

caregiver, and that would make a bigger difference in giving him some relief.

But, in your circumstances, don't worry about your brother. Just you and your

dad for now.

I don't think your brother knows all the options open to caregivers. There

is a program with nursing homes that you can leave a patient up to two weeks

while you are on vacation. Has he checked that out? Medicare pick up most the

tab.

Imogene

In a message dated 7/22/2006 3:36:19 PM Central Daylight Time,

aswest1021@... writes:

I posted yesterday about my dad being moved to another VA Hospital

for his surgery. Well, my brother told me yesterday (when he called

about Dad being transferred) that he'd call me as soon as Dad got

settled so that I'd know how to get in touch with him. He didn't

call me last night or this morning. In fact, I had to search up the

number for the VA Hospital on the internet and call my dad's room

to try and speak to him. Unfortunately, he didn't pick up, so I

decided to try again later. I just called a few minutes ago and my

brother picked up the phone. He was talking almost in a whisper. I

asked how Dad was doing and he said, " Oh, just fine. " I, then,

asked if I could talk to him and he said that he was taking a nap.

I told my brother that after talking to my husband, I had decided

that I needed to be there before his surgery. I told him we were

planning to come see him tomorrow. I explained that I had a deep-

rooted fear that if something happened to him, I would never be able

to forgive myself. He said, " You have to do what you have to do,

but this is a routine operation where you're in one day and out the

next " . He really has changed his perspective. Just a day or so

after Dad went in the hospital about a week ago, my brother told me

that he thought I should see Dad when he got transferred because it

may very well be my last time. Talk about knocking my feet out from

under me! Now, he tells me it isn't urgent. I don't know what to

think. I sometimes get the sense that he's mad at me for not doing

my part in caring for Dad, but there are also times when I feel that

he really doesn't want me there, afterall. He may not want me to

come tomorrow because he knows I won't be able to come back that

following week when he wants me there.

I could ask my dad what he wants me to do, but being his " little

girl " , he'll tell me that he'll be fine and not to worry about

anything. I'm starting to get really put out at my brother for not

updating me regularly on how Dad's doing. I actually attempted to

get in touch with my dad the other day 17 different times, but no

one would answer the phone. Apparently, the phone doesn't ring; it

has a little light that flashes. As you can probably surmise, there

has been a long history of ups and downs between my brother and I.

He's wonderful to step up to the plate during a crisis, but doesn't

do much for maintaining familial relationships on a daily basis.

He's 12 years older than me and I think he resents being placed in

a position of being the primary caregiver for our dad. I, also,

feel he resents me for living 11 hours away.

Imogene, as far as my husband being able to drive us over to see my

dad for a few days, that isn't a problem. However, he can't drop us

off and come back to pick us up because he's flying out of town next

week. Unfortunately, it just isn't that simple, though, I'd give

anything if it were.

So sorry to ramble on and on about this continuing saga, but it

helps to get things off my chest.

April

July 22, 2006

april i will put this very simple and easy and the God's honest truth

NO SURGERY IS SIMPLE NOR ROUTINE FOR PEOPLE WITH LBD, AS THEY ADVERSELY REACT TO

ANESTHESIA.

case in point my daddy broke his hip in jul 05, he was dead less than 3 months

later. so you go NOW see your dad before surgery becuase it may be the last time

you see him this alert. hugs, sharon m

--

Daugher of Leonard, diag May 2004, had lbd since 1993, had hip surgery from fall

7/05, aspiration pneumonia 7/05 with pulmonary embolyis, had aspiration

pneumonia and uti 8/05, died of blood pressure drop on 9/25/05,

may he rest in peace with his mom and dad,

a smile a day keeps the meanies away

---- aswest1021 wrote: