Guest guest Posted July 24, 2006 Report Share Posted July 24, 2006 April, I think you've received excellent advice thus far on your post from last Sunday. I'll offer a few items on different points. First, who has the healthcare power of attorney for your father? If it is your brother, then there must be a reason your father gave the POA to your brother, and you should respect your father's wishes and your brother's decisions. Of course it would've been best if your brother had included you in the decision-making. Second, the nursing facility at the VA in San Francisco is fantastic and the nursing facility in the VA in Menlo Park (psychiatric/dementia patients-only) is fantastic; many, many veterans want to be admitted but there's a long waiting list. Hopefully the VA where your father is is just as terrific. Third, maybe this is God's way of giving you some balance -- letting you spend your time on your in-laws' needs while putting most of the time burden for your father on your brother's shoulders. Just do what you can to be supportive of your brother. Robin >2a. My DAD Digest Number 3147 > Posted by: " aswest1021 " aswest1021@... aswest1021 > Date: Sun Jul 16, 2006 5:19 pm (PDT) > >My heart is breaking into a million pieces right now. I just read >an e-mail from my sister-in-law regarding my dad. If you recall, he >was admitted to the hospital about 4 days ago because of stroke-like >symptoms. She talked about how he's had a pretty good day today, but >that he has episodes of dementia that, according to his doctor, will >get only worse over time. She went on to say that he has moments of >confusion and has fallen several times. He will not be able to >drive anymore; he had a wreck about 2 months ago and totalled his >car. Anyhow, what got me so upset is that she and my brother are >turning in an application tomorrow to place my dad in a nursing (VA) >facility after his surgery. That just kills me to think about it. >That has always been my dad's deepest fear in life is being placed >in a nursing home. My sister-in-law said they don't feel assisted >living is what he needs, but round the clock care. My dad has >always prided himself on being an independent person and to take >that away from him will be crushing. I realize that my dad has been >going downhill for some time now and has grown quite frail. I just >feel like my brother and sister-in-law are not examining all of the >options closely enough. I don't know, maybe I'm just in total denial >about how bad things have gotten. It bothers me that my brother >hasn't even called me to talk this over in detail. He mentioned not >long ago that he thought Dad " might " need to be in a nursing home, >but that's about the last I've heard about it. When I do talk to my >brother about my dad, he complains about how much work he's missing >to take care of him and how much it costs to drive back and forth >from the hospital. I'm not saying that my brother doesn't care for >and love our dad because I know he does. However, at the same time, >I think Dad has become somewhat of a hindrance to him. > >All along, I thought the main issue facing my husband and I right >now was whether or not to place HIS father in a nursing home. >Little did I know that it would be MY dad's situation we'd be faced >with first. I've been so stressed and down all day today and >reading my sister-in-law's e-mail brought everything to reality for >me. Any advice on how to deal with all of this? Please say a >prayer for me and my family...we really need it. > >April > >________________________________________________________________________ > >2b. Re: My DAD > Posted by: " Donna Mido " twomido@... mine49067 > Date: Sun Jul 16, 2006 5:31 pm (PDT) > >April, > >I don't know if anyone is in chat or not but this is the time they >were going to be. I am sorry to hear about your Dad. If your >brother can't take care of him, your brother may be doing the next >best thing, He sure should have discussed it with you. > >It must have been a shock to get it the way you did, While your Dad >never wanted to go into a nh, he wasn't in the shape he is in >now. He may appreciate the help that he gets. > >I am wondering if you need to go down and see for your self what is >going on. It is hard to imagine at the distance you are at, but he >may need 24 hour care. > >Hugs and prayers. > >Donna R > >________________________________________________________________________ > >2c. Re: My DAD > Posted by: " stimtimminss " stim@... stimtimminss > Date: Sun Jul 16, 2006 6:35 pm (PDT) > >April, I hear and feel your pain. Right now you feel out of the >loop with something so very >personal and emotional. You will have to understand, respect your >brother's decision, >despite the fact he hasn't talked it over with you. He is the >caregiver and you are simply >having to deal with decisions made hopefully in your father's best >interest by someone >there to see and hear what the facts are. I feel for your feelings >of helplessness, but >thankfully someone is there to deal with your dad's needs. Can you >imagine having to be >that person right now with what you are already dealing >with? Personally I would rather be >that person, as I am with my mother, than to be in your position. I >can't imagine being the >long distance family member, even though I am a full hour away from my mom. >My thoughts and support remain with you. > > >________________________________________________________________________ > >2d. Re: My DAD > Posted by: " Iward27663@... " Iward27663@... iward27663 > Date: Sun Jul 16, 2006 10:15 pm (PDT) > > >April, please don't despair. It is very hard to face the pain and realities >in life, but only when we walk in someone else's shoes can we know >for sure what is >needed. >I am sure your brother has been, and is doing, the best he can for your >father. I understand that a nursing home the first month or so >after surgery is a >must for rehabilitation. So do, dear one, take it as help and not putting >him away. >Prayes are being asked in you behalf. >Imogene Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 5, 2006 Report Share Posted August 5, 2006 April, Your father is very lucky to have such a daughter-in-law. Sounds like in many ways she's more on the ball than your brother. Perhaps you can forge an alliance with her until your brother is better able to deal with things. Robin ---- aswest1021 wrote: As I wrote before (I think), my dad had his pacemaker put in yesterday morning. All went well and he was sched. to leave the hospital this morning. Well, my sister-in-law called around 10 a.m. to tell me that Dad wasn't going to be released, afterall. My first response was, " You've got to be kidding! " She, then, proceeded to explain that when she walked in Dad's room this morning, he didn't look like he felt well. She said it took her a few minutes to get him to admit that he felt lousy. So, she called the doctor and, come to find out, one of the leads on his pacemaker wasn't connected properly. Now, my poor dad will have to undergo the knife again on Monday morning to have it repaired! This has been such a nightmare! He will have been in the hospital 6 weeks on Monday! I called and spoke to him briefly just a minute ago. He could barely talk to me and when I told him I loved him, he started crying. That was just almost more than I can bare. Apparently, his arm has been hurting him a lot and my sister-in-law said he couldn't even move his feet when he stood out of bed this morning. I am so worried about him. I even wonder if he feels so lousy because he knows that he'll be going to a nursing home when he's released. Maybe he's trying to stay in the hospital for as long as possible. Never in my life have I heard of a patient being treated so poorly as my dad and other vets in that hospital. It's such a travesty! Of all people who deserve to be treated with respect and consideration, it should be the veterans of America! Sorry for jumping on my soapbox, again, but this has been the worst roller coaster ride of my entire life. It will be nothing short of a miracle if my dad comes out of that hospital alive. With each day that passes, I feel less and less confident. I think he's so tired and weak now that he's ready to give up the fight. Please keep him and my family close in your prayers. I really appreciate it. April Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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