Re: Asking for affection

[Guest guest]

> So a quick hug followed by trying to resume whatever I was in the middle

> of would quite often be too much of a distraction from the task in hand.

> Hugs and other heart issues need to be slowly wound up to get them

> going for me, so if you want a hug, then start being nice to me, tell

> me nice things, light the candles, play the music, serve the wine,

> and then off we go!! [grin] But do this when I'm not too busy right

> in the middle of something else.

, you're talking about a " love hug " as opposed to a reassurance hug.

I don't know about other people, but there are times when I just need someone's

arms around me for a moment, a very short bit of affection. I ask for a hug, I

get one, I go away, feeling better. This isn't foreplay. It really isn't sexual

at all. There is no " off we go " . If I want romance or sex, I won't ask for a

hug, I'll ask for something else.

These days, without a partner in the house, I get this exact type of hug from my

kids. Or from a friend.

I don't think this is an AS difference (I'm Aspie too, remember), but maybe a

male-female one … or just different people. What this comes down to is learning

what your partner means when they ask for different things, and how to best give

it to them … then working out how to give them what they need while preserving

what you need at the same time. All couples work this out … NT couples do so

with lots of unsaid cultural expectations, a few AS and AS-NT couples actually

spell everything out, but mnay AS-NT couples never figure this out.

--Liz

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[Guest guest]

Thanks you're right, he does try but exactly how you put it, it doesn't seem to show as a lot of effort to me or others. But I guess internally he's trying very hard which says a lot. I wish I had a camera inside his brain, it would makes so much easier.Sent from my iPad

> There has to be give and take in any relationship.

Absolutely right, and don't ever lose sight of that.

From your post, it certainly sounds as if you're giving a lot more than

you're taking, but it would be interesting to know how your Aspie

balances that equation. There are probably some areas where he tries

so hard and yet because of his issues, he achieves nothing. I would

want to judge him by the effort he expends *trying* to give rather than

by what he successfully manages to give. The two could be very different.

..

[Guest guest]

Eyre wrote:

> From your post, it certainly sounds as if you're giving a lot more than

> you're taking, but it would be interesting to know how your Aspie

> balances that equation. There are probably some areas where he tries

> so hard and yet because of his issues, he achieves nothing. I would

> want to judge him by the effort he expends *trying* to give rather than

> by what he successfully manages to give. The two could be very different.

They could be very different, yet the result also factors into the equation.

If one partner continues to feel emotionally starved and rejected

despite the other's best efforts, it may not matter a whole lot.

Sometimes the needs of couples are just incompatible and/or become so

over time.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

Breezy wrote:

>

> I do understand that about aspies and most of the time its fine really,

> but once in awhile it would be really nice if my aspie could acknowledge

> that, even if sometimes the timing wont be convienent for him , he could

> make an effort to give me what I need then. I do that kind of thing all

> the time for him. I make sure his world works for him and that takes far

> more effort and work and coordination than you can possibly believe and

> doing that often means I alter my needs/wants or whatever to accomodate

> him, so it seems only fair to expect that kind compromise in return

> occasionally. There has to be give and take in any relationship.

Well said, Breezy. The effort you describe is the hallmark of any

successful relationship.

Sometimes one person must make the effort to demonstrate meaningful (to

their partner) forms of affection even when they themselves aren't 100%

enthusiastic about the idea. That includes hugs, verbal reassurances,

and sometimes even sex.

One can't merely sit around and wait for the moment where the stars,

moon, and heart align perfectly for both partners as a condition to

sharing affection.

In the real world, one filled with myriad distractions and stresses,

sometimes one or the other must make the reach and extend themselves

with a gift of affection to the partner who needs it most at that time.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

Thanks , really appreciate your insight, helps me peek into the possible

thinking / point of view of my husband. I can truly relate to the " right timing "

and I have learned to find that timing for just about everything, when it comes

to relating.

For the life of me, I could never comprehend how my hubby could seem

happy/excited about certain event/situation that took place and a split second

later be in a rage bc I realize (as we r pulling into our driveway) that I

accidentally forgot the house key, we're locked out of our house, and that we

must drive to mom's house (7min away) to get our spare. Talk about bad timing!!

It's taken (still working on it) me quite a while to figure my husband out, but

I'm understanding a lil more each day, which makes a world of a difference,

which stabilizes my sanity.

Like previously mentioned, sometimes I just want to connect w my hubby, ( I

connect plenty w others) but even for a split second I want it to be him (and go

on about my business) and once in a wee milisecond I get it.... I just wonder

why it can happen once in a blue moon, and not once a month??. ;-) that

reassurance that he's there.

I tell my (Dx Aspie) 8yr old son, when I need and expect (on certain situations)

good exceptional behavior

from him, I expect it bc I know he is capable, I have witnessed him behave

exceptionally before, therefore I demand it often and actually complies. Hubby

is another story. ;-)

I demand the milisecond connection w hubby, but it's always a toss up, I never

know what I'm gona get. I don't gripe when I don't get it, I just try again at a

better time. But I do so very much enjoy it when I finally feel the connection

and alert him, and of course he's glad to hear that.

Mind you, that I'm not the needy, lovey dovey, kissy/kissy, call me all the

time, tell me I'm beautiful and you can't stop thinking about me all day long

type of gal. I'm as practical, easy going, laid back, whatever goes, flexible,

matter-of- fact gal as you'll ever get to know.

Maybe my approach makes our relationship that much difficult, although I belive

it's bc of my approach why we have lasted together. But this is who I am, I

don't try to be this way, so it makes it less frustrating.

I feel that I never miss the oppty to remind him how much he rocks, how he is

appreciated and what he does for us, for our family, my goodness, he goes above

and beyond. Also, recognition on small things like how awesome the freshly mowed

lawn looks, or how perfectly he folds all laundry (I could reseal and retun to

store for a refund), how nice it is to have such a handy guy to fix anything

that breaks, etc.

If I ever hear him say: " these are the tastiest chocolate chips cookies ever "

after he and boys chomp'em down as I pull " em out of the oven... It'll be a

first.... I'm keeping my hopes up high. I often ask, " so how are the cookies? "

Are they as chewy as last time? Could u tell what they tasted like? ;-) he

smiles and responds how much he likes them and that's nice, I just would like

one day to hear it w/out prompting. ;-) that's all.

On another note: my son seems very emotionally engaging, openly speaks his

feelings, he absolutley complements everything he can about me, or anyone he

feels warmth or affection towards. I'm kinda confused on this. But he is

oblivious towards those he has no particular connection to.

Have a great night all, I appreciate this forum. I'm learning lot.

Buenas Noches,

Blanca

Blanca M. Lara Rocha

* About NT spouses

>

> When an NT spouse writes about the Aspie he/she loves, I can feel the

> collective Aspie blood pressure on the list rise.

>

------------------------------------

" We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are

like a symphony.

Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony

It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.

We all contribute to the song of life. "

...Sondra

We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.

ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.

Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.

Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.

When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:

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[Guest guest]

Breezy wrote:

>

>

> I ask him to do something for me and give specifics and it often wont

> get done still. I think for my aspie at least that if it isnt relevant

> to him at that moment or if it is not as important to him as whatever

> else has his attention at that moment it simply isnt going to happen. I

> have said I need a hug now and still had him walk away because it really

> didnt sink in what I said. The best image I can give for this is: If you

> see my words as water sometimes he is waterproof and they run right off

> him other times he soaks up my words like a sponge. For him its all

> about timing and whatever timing I have has to meet whatever timing he

> has or it isnt going to happen

This is a great explanation of how the communication gap works.

I would like to emphasize that it is only an *explanation* though. It's

not an excuse for taking the position of, " that's just the way I am " .

The Aspie must still make an effort to improve their communication

skills in order to meet their partner halfway. Otherwise, the

relationship will suffer and the other partner will be required to pick

up the slack, just as a parent would for a child.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

EXACTLY! I know for many years told me how hard he was trying but I saw little effort and no change. Then all of a sudden he would start doing all of the things I had stopped asking for years ago. When I would ask why he started doing them then he would not be able to tell me why except that he had always wanted to but it took him that long to figure out how to. I express it like this. During our marriage there have been long periods of up to a decade where it looked like no progress was being made towards meeting a particular emotional need I had. Then bam, he would start doing it. So I have decided that those periods where it looked like nothing was happening was when he was doing all of the necessary internal processing required for the change to manifest in the outward world. I feel very bad that during those times (before he was diagnosed), I accused him of not trying, when it is abundantly clear to me now that he was trying extremely hard, I just could not see it. Cheers,DebFrom: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of EyreSent: November-26-11 6:18 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Asking for affection > There has to be give and take in any relationship.Absolutely right, and don't ever lose sight of that.From your post, it certainly sounds as if you're giving a lot more than you're taking, but it would be interesting to know how your Aspie balances that equation. There are probably some areas where he tries so hard and yet because of his issues, he achieves nothing. I would want to judge him by the effort he expends *trying* to give rather than by what he successfully manages to give. The two could be very different..

[Guest guest]

Hi Liz,

I'm not an Aspie either but I can become so engrossed in a project that I

would be very frustrated by any distraction and that distraction would throw

me off course and set me back with the project at hand. I can only imagine

that this is what it is like to be an Aspie but that it is a frequent event

rather than a rare occurrence.

I may be wrong and I'm sure will correct me if I am, but I think he was

talking about any hug, not just ones that lead to sex. I know when I want a

hug I want one that is heartfelt and I think was trying to say that if

he is down the rabbit-hole he can't drag himself out far enough or fast

enough to give his partner a heartfelt hug on demand. I know that if I am

deep in thought on a task that is taking all of my concentration there is no

way I could oblige anyone's need for a heartfelt hug either.

Wishing you as many heartfelt hugs as you want and need, always!

Deb

Re: Asking for affection

> So a quick hug followed by trying to resume whatever I was in the

> middle of would quite often be too much of a distraction from the task in

hand.

> Hugs and other heart issues need to be slowly wound up to get them

> going for me, so if you want a hug, then start being nice to me,

> tell me nice things, light the candles, play the music, serve the wine,

> and then off we go!! [grin] But do this when I'm not too busy right

> in the middle of something else.

, you're talking about a " love hug " as opposed to a reassurance hug.

I don't know about other people, but there are times when I just need

someone's arms around me for a moment, a very short bit of affection. I ask

for a hug, I get one, I go away, feeling better. This isn't foreplay. It

really isn't sexual at all. There is no " off we go " . If I want romance or

sex, I won't ask for a hug, I'll ask for something else.

These days, without a partner in the house, I get this exact type of hug

from my kids. Or from a friend.

I don't think this is an AS difference (I'm Aspie too, remember), but maybe

a male-female one . or just different people. What this comes down to is

learning what your partner means when they ask for different things, and how

to best give it to them . then working out how to give them what they need

while preserving what you need at the same time. All couples work this out .

NT couples do so with lots of unsaid cultural expectations, a few AS and

AS-NT couples actually spell everything out, but mnay AS-NT couples never

figure this out.

--Liz

----------

Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts:

http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559

Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559

Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.com

Gifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters

------------------------------------

" We each have our own way of living in the world, together we

are like a symphony.

Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends

together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.

We all contribute to the song of life. "

...Sondra

We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.

ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.

Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.

Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.

When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:

http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm

ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER

http://www.aspires-relationships.com