Re: Lin 2 Shaorn

[Guest guest]

Thanks Sharon!

Another wonderful reminder - I love roses, too. And I don't " stop " often

enough to enjoy them.

Have a peaceful week.

Lin

LadySmilingAtU2@... wrote:

Dear lin,

i am glad i can help, take time to breath and smell the roses, those were my

dads favorite flower, let me know i f i can help, or listen hugs, sharon

---- l pratt wrote:

Dear Sharon - This month has been franctic for me - all about mom of course. I

don't begrudge the time of caregiving, but it does limit what else I do with

myself. So being here on our site didn't happen much. I don't think I ever wrote

to say thanks for sharing your own story. You have a hopeful, loving message,

and I am grateful to read and re-read it.

Your dad stays in my prayers - as do you and Donnie.

Peace, Lin

LadySmilingAtU2@... wrote:

lin,

i too, came from an abusive household, both of my parents were alcoholics, mom a

binger and dad chronic, and the violence between the 2 was horredous and the

emotional devastion to me was overwhlming for years, i didnt trust, and i

married 2x to losers, one a binger and one ended out to be a druggie. i was

estranged from my father for almost 15 years due to his drinking and his

girlfriends. he and mom finally divorced in 1988 after almost 30 years of

marital hell, they were both unhappy within 1 year ofgetting married but by then

i was born so they 'stayed together for the kid' well my 2nd husband did start

to get me and dad speaking so i guess taht was good. we started coming down for

thanksgiving everyyear as it was dads birthday time as well.

well when i met donnie we came down here for fathers day and for thanksgiving as

donnies dad died many years ago so we stayed in tenn for mothers day with his

mom, i rarely visit my mom as my visits to her give her the right to binge every

nite that we are there. well in nov 2002 dad asked donnie and i to move down to

florida from nashville, tn we did in jan 2003, i was scared ad told daddy if you

get drunk even once and get violent i am history, he told me to dump all of the

alcohol and i did. now dont get me wrong daddy had some ugly ugly lbd times,

where i was in tears from what he said, but i would NOT trade the time we had

caregiving hm, the things i learned from his reliving the past, the songs we

sang to each other everytime i left teh house, you are my sunshine, etc, the

less than 3 years we cared for him, gave me some of the happier moments of mine

and dads lives. mom to this day resents me from taking care of my 'evil '

father, seems she forgets she is not so

'innocent ' herself. but i do know now that i couldnt and wouldnt take care of

my mom like taht now or ever.

so i can relate i wasnt physically abused, but emotionally and atteempted

sexually as well. someday i hope you find peace like i did with donnie he has

helped me with daddy, and he has helped me grow to the woman i am and proud to

be, now he didnt d it all, but guided me and loved me thru all the changes and

all the distrust, i never thougt woudl love or trust anyone ever, but i can

honestly say that i do donnie, somebody can come up t me and suggest donnie is

being unfaithful i dont and wont belive it as i know donnie loves me completely,

now teh 2husbands befor that, i would and did belive were unfaithful, i guess

what iam trying to stay is first of all i am so glad that your mom and you have

a better relationship now, and second is never give up life can and will be

better, take it from somene who has been there and done that, hugs, sharon

---- l pratt wrote:

Dear Maggie,

Hello! It is so great talking with you. Let me tell you something that doesn't

come through in my notes: I am actually very mistrustful. Always have been.

Probably in my case the result of a horrible childhood. Yes, my mom with whom

for the past 4 years I've shared a warm and caring relationship was physically

and emotionally abusive throughout my childhood, and a nasty person through most

of my adult life. I expected the very worst when I brought my parents from their

hometown here to Chicago to live where I work. Dad passed away 2 years ago) and

my mom's presence has been a blessing - and the relationship that grew between

us a very unexpected gift. I had nothing to do with creating it. IAnd 'm

grateful she remembers none of the pain she inflicted: she seems to have only

happy memories about our family life.

So, no, I don't trust easily, but because I have to work to support myself, and

because I don't want her " just lying " somewhere, she has caregivers. Although

her dementia has advanced a lot in the past months, the socializing with other

elders is beneficial.

I may have told you I work for a senior care organization - it's a faith-based,

non-profit which owns 2 retirement communities, a nursing facility and a small

geriatric hospital. The NH is actually a fine place with excellent programs and

a very caring staff. And you're right - in the best of places something could go

wrong. With the best people, something could go wrong. I have made mistakes

myself in Mom's care. From my experience - and there's some research that

supports this - NHs in themselves don't " make " someone worse. Much depends on

the quality of care, the involvement of families and friends, how staff create

" home " rather than " institution, " and frankly, how much warmth, affection and

attention is paid. I can also totally relate to not wanting a LO residing in

such a place - even a great place. Part of my job involves helping families and

seniors themselves make such decisions - and it has not been easy for any of

them. No one wants it, but such a placement

doesn't have to be negative.

I know Claremont and the general LA area. In such a metropolis, there will be

scores of bad places - but also many good ones. I would be glad to do some

research for you via my professional networks, if you would like, and if you can

tell me more about what you want for your mom, what the general financial

situation is (for example, does your mom have LTC insurance? is she on MediCal

(I think it has a new name now), etc. Don't tell me anything specific, please -

just the basics that would help our search.

It 's so good to hear from you, and thanks very much for the kind wishes for my

mom. It would be so wonderful if our mothers could have the older age we want

for them. But your mom has a great daughter!

Let's talk soon. You're both in my prayers tonight!

Lin

M Sumner wrote:

Lin,

Thank you for your e mail.

Not sure i mentioned, i am looking for a new

nursing home for day care.

Your situation is much different than mine,

i find it so hard, to trust strangers with

my mother, (such as nursing homes).

I know i must take time out,

but , do you have this problem?

You just know, one day they could mess up

her medicine, her treatment, just anything

could go wrong.

I feel like the minute she has to go

full time, her health will decline so much

faster.

She has declined forsure, very slowly

Her confusion just keeps increasing.

It breaks your heart, Not that anyone

deserves any illness such as this. BUT

for sure, my mom has been a saint all her

life, but was just not the way i pictured

her old age would be.

I live about 45 minutes south of La Airport.

but still within La County, very small cute

town called Claremont, next to

a town called La Verne.

Talk to you soon.

Hope and pray your mom is doing well.

Maggie

--- l pratt wrote:

> Dear Maggie, Aha! Here's the e-mail you mentioned in

> the most recent message you sent. So glad to find

> it. As I said, I hadn't been near my computer for

> quite a few days. Oh, I sure agree- the Internet

> opens doors. I've always loved libraries - to read

> stories, yes, but also to look things up, do

> research, look at maps, etc. And the 'net makes that

> a million times easier. And you can visit

> around-the-clock. It's great you can use the laptop

> while being with your mom.

>

> Yes, care services are exorbitant. And not always

> the quality we want for our loved ones. I was

> wondering what part of the country you're in - city

> or smaller community, etc.

>

> My mom doesn't exactly sleep a lot during the day,

> but she generally wants to be laying down with her

> eyes closed. Well, I think you're a terrific

> daughter, and your love for your mom shines through

> in your messages.

>

> Let's stay in touch. Am sending hugs and hopes for

> some days and nights of calm.

>

> Peace, Lin

>

> M Sumner wrote:

> Lin,

>

> Your e mail covered a lot, we share so many

> similarities with our mom's.

>

> The reason i've been on the computer a lot more

> is i do research online while keeping company

> when my mom is watching a favorite show on t.v.

> The days she sleeps a lot,(i can never predict

> what days or what makes her sleepy and what doesn't)

> I spend days like that doing laundry, cooking

> and house work, but when i keep her company

> then i get my laptop and when she is watching

> her show i am researching or looking up something

> i might need to buy.

>

> I find google is a good place to do price comparison

> on appliances, great web site.

>

> Do you use computer at all ? If not try to learn

> you will feel like doors open for you, you don't

> have

> to do leg work as much, you can do web search and

> then call instead of showing up in a store, you

> know in advance if what you are looking for is

> available.

>

> Here, 90 percent of the nursing homes are private

> which means, someone is looking to become rich off

> all of us that have sick loved ones. I am sure

> there are other facilities and i am sure in very

> bad areas to be traveling in.

>

> I do thank you for telling me about the fact that

> sometimes churches have day care, i need to look

> into that, can you imagine 20 dollars an hour

> and 4 hour minimum, i just don 't have that kind of

> money, i was only using day care once a week for

> a few hours to do my errands. She can not be alone

> a single minute.

>

> Feel free to vent, it know it helps. And same

> as you, i have become more assertive to be able

> to represent my mother like you, that can not

> represent herself.

>

> Have a nice evening and feel free to share

> anything you want a comment on.

>

> If i missed a question or comment let me know.

>

> Thank you for everything.

>

> Maggie

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>