Re: stubborn? Amber Fr Lin

April 12, 2007

Dear Amber,

Yet another of the bizarre problems LBD throws at us. Your LO is your dad, is

that correct?

This sounds something like my dad went through (he had Alzheimer's). My mom's

caregiver (mom has LBD) appears rather masculine, and my dad was convinced the

caregiver was in my parents' apartment to have sex with my mom. These are

delusions, which we simply can't change. No amount of reasoning would alter my

dad's perception. Gave up trying. We had the caregiver enter my dad's reality,

and say things like: " I'm a happily married man, sir, just like you. " Sir, you

and your wife are so happy together. Can you tell me how you keep her happy? "

etc. Basically she shifted the focus and got my dad talking about himself. That

worked for about a month. Then dad's delusion kicked back in, and we took

another approach. I asked a friend on staff where my parents lived to visit at

the end of the CG's shift, when Dad was particularly angry about the

wife-stealer. My friend, who my dad trusted greatly, told the CG, " You have to

leave right now - and don't come back. " He then escorted

the wife-stealer out the door.

For the next week, the caregiver wore a frilly headscarf and we introduced her

daily as , Mom's nurse. She just became a new person on the scene.

Maybe some variation of these approaches - like Imogene's suggestion your

friend wear a dress or skirt - might help. No doubt your friend cares about you

and understands something about your dad's disease, so will be willing to play

along while in his presence.

As always, we have to adapt to our LOs - they cannot adapt to us. It took me a

very long time to accept this, I guess because it is so sad to see how these

diseases change them and change our relationships with them. But getting along

with my LOs became a lot easier when I gave up trying to change anything they

said or did (except regarding their health and safety). And my dad was happy

giving advice to the " young man " and really happy to have " pretty " around

to pamper him.

I know you and your friend can work this out between you for your - and your

dad's - peace of mind. Let us know what you try.

Peace,

Lin

LadySmilingAtU2@... wrote:

amber,

can your friend where a dress or skirt or wear makeup or something to help ease

your mom, explain to your firend your problema nd maybe her dress or make up an

calm your mom, jusg a thought, good luck and hugs, sharon

---- amber0_14 wrote:

I am having a problem with my LO. I have a friend who looks like a man

(short hair, stocky) from a distance and i can not convince him she is

a woman. He is adamant she a man and she is here to take me off him. I

have introduced her etc but he gets moody, won't eat and refuses to

talk when she's been here. I am at my wits end as she is a good friend

but i have gone to dread her visits as i know what he is going to be

like.He has aked others about her and they tell him she a woman but he

won't except it, any suggestions

Amber

--

I am daugher of Leonard, diagnosed May 2004, probably had lbd since 1993,.Dad

had a serious fall in 7/05 causing him to hav hip surgery .After that he

developed aspiration pneumonia 7/05 with pulmonary embolyis, which he almost

died from. He had a 2nd bout of aspiration pneumonia and uti 8/05. He died when

his blood pressure fluctuations started dropping without coming back up on

9/25/05,

may he rest in peace with his mom and dad,

a smile a day keeps the meanies away

Welcome to LBDcaregivers.

April 13, 2007

Just had to add my 2 cents worth. Mom did this and I remember how embarrassed I

was the first time she did this. And I was her caregiver and it had nothing to

do with anyone. And I couldn't convince her that it wasn't a man. She would

call anyone " He. " I didn't understand what she was seeing, but if anyone had

short hair, or was a little bigger, and most of the residents and aides had

short hair.. And after while, she seemed to think anyone of the nh people were

" him. "

She got some pretty stern glances from people because she wasn't quiet about it.

I never knew what to say or do. And I don't know what this is really all about.

It got so consistent. Just to let you know, " it happen to me too! " And there

was no husband around to think about it being related to sexual issues.

Hugs,

Donna R

Caregave for Mom (after I brought her from WI to MI) for 3 years and 4th year in

a nh.

She was almost 89 when she died in '02. No dx other than mine.