: More thoughts Re: It takes two to tangle ...

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Knowing your situation in particular (for other members, is DNR) that makes

me feel so sad, the reality for you is that the healing can now only occur in

the mind and spirit, not the body.

That's also the reality for many older childhood PTSD survivors, though they

will live longer than you. I asked my therapist when the pain will stop. He said

there is no time-line. It's apparent to me now that the journey towards healing

will continue to our last breath.

There still isn't a whole lot that is written about childhood PTSD that doesn't

spell out the most dire consequences for its " victims. " You've read it all I'm

sure. We should have been criminals, crack addicts and child abusers ourselves.

Reading the literature is enough to want to put one off the idea of seeking

help. Who wants to lumped in with that?!

40, 50, 60+ years on, that didn't happen to us, we were productive citizens in

our communities and good to our families. So they must have been talking about

someone else, we think, maybe someone who was hung upside down in a closet and

fed dog food for 10 years. Maybe we imagined things, we thought, maybe we

exaggerated it a little bit, it wasn't that bad, we should just " get over it "

and " move on. " And we tried.

I, and as I learned much later, another dear friend, had the misfortune of

trying to address childhood PTSD in the late 80's. At that time the direction of

" therapy " meant dragging out each and every last detail out of us. " Healing "

meant focusing on " empowerment " with a strong hint of revenge. They seemed to

want to make militant " survivors " out of us, and take up a " cause. "

We never wanted to wear our label or feel like a poster-child for our kind. I

mean really, we're just regular folks here! We just wanted to be able to carry

on our every day lives - without the nightmares that haunted us. All that " help "

served to do was further re-victimize, disempower and depersonalize us. " Well, "

I thought, " that isn't going to work, " so I abandoned it, and submerged it

again, and went on dancing to the the only tune I knew.

Childhood PTSD, while no less traumatic than adult PTSD (from a single horrific

violent event, or Combat PTSD) manifests itself insidiously.

We adapt to survive, but our way of adapting involves negating the needs of the

self in favour of others needs. We flew under the radar, because that's what we

had to do as children. Our sense of self is diminished, or in the case of one

friend, non-existent. She doesn't look like a classic childhood PTSD sufferer

either. She was successful in her career. She immersed herself in workaholism,

until she got cancer...

Our currency in life was our service to others. We had no value unless we could

make others happy with us. Until we became aware much later, our life story has

been written with the overlay of the way that " program " worked for us.

This IS our life, this is part of our experience, this is part of who we are. We

can't curse it or wish it away because then we are wishing ourselves away. Time

will do that soon enough. We *can* teach others (through example, and kindly

advice when asked) what we learned, and that will be our legacy.

In my closing which you quoted, in no way was I implying that by stopping the

dance that it could re-write your life and restore what was lost. I know it

can't do that for anyone. Early knowledge would have made a huge difference, but

all I can do now is work with what I have left. After the initial elation of " so

*that's* it! " then, the realization that no, I can't turn the clock back and

start over again threw me into a depression which I am still working through.

Stopping the dance stops the acceleration of the drain on your psyche, but it

will still keep seeping out for a long time to come, maybe forever. But then at

least you know. You've found the leak. But we have to find a way to restore

*some* of our reserves in a way that doesn't involve endlessly giving to others.

It is okay just to do this for us, and that is not selfish .. although of course

our programming will always fight that. But if we don't start being " selfish " as

we perceive it applies to ourselves, like the caution my alcoholic in recovery

friend told me, all that will be left for us to " give " is bitterness.

If you can, my therapist told me, try to fill yourself up with small things

(doing big things would be too overwhelming.) But, even at that, your mind will

fight you every step of the way, you will feel anxious and guilty. But my

therapist says you have to keep doing the new things, because they will always

be frightening as long as they remain unknown.

Though I am not DNR, my future life won't be like my past, I neglected myself

long enough that I've seen to that. For me, and I hope for you and others, the

value of trying to heal is simply closure, and knowing that we did the best we

could with what we knew at the time. Know that you, , are a really *good*

person and you lived an honest life. And a kind and giving life. That's better

than many who never shared your afflictions have done!

Please keep talking about it, I think the childhood PTSD thread is very

appropriate here. Some AS and NT who come to this board have experienced it.

Until we become aware of it within ourselves, it's a corrupted program that

sabotages our effort to move forward. Our program tells us " we can't do that, we

aren't worthy. "

Of course no one is a therapist here, we know that, we can't solve others

problems, that's best left to the professionals. But we can share what we have

learned.

There is a message that does need to get across because I suspect that for many,

like you, and me, the awareness of how childhood PTSD impacts on all your life's

choices is a new and misunderstood one.

cyber hugs,

Helen

>

> Helen - you of course hit the nail on the head about childhood abuse. Before

you know it your life is gone & it wasn't even yours. I have to disagree though

about this part of your post (below):

>

> " In order to heal and move on in life, you have to recognize that most people,

whatever part they played and for whatever reason they played it, were also just

trying to keep the dance going. When one finally recognizes this and stops

moving to that tune, the dysfunctional dance is over. "

>

> Nope. Not necessarily. Depends on how much damage was caused by the other

dancers. You can stop the dysfunctional movement, but that doesn't heal broken

feet. We forget often, that there are injuries that simply don't heal; that keep

the dance going long after the feet have stopped moving.

>

> Peace, in Canada

>

[Guest guest]

helen_foisy wrote:

> Knowing your situation in particular (for other members, is DNR)

May I ask what " DNR " is?

Do Not Reduce?

Department of Natural Resources?

Dolby Noise Reduction?

Do Not Resuscitate?

In the context used, none of these would seem to fit.

Best,

~CJ