Confusing relationship standards....heeeelp

[Guest guest]

Hallo, me again!

Basically, I am writing for the other NT ladies out there, and want to ask about

a problem I have.

It's to do with a difference in perception.

I feel that my hubby is quite controlling, especially because we are on one

wage, although I have only every roughly earned half of his wage, and we can

afford most luxuries such as running 2 cars (!!!) having a decent home, having

two dogs, being able to pay for social things (although we don't go out or have

fun doing anything, because he tends towards staying at home and slobbing in

front of the TV (Although, recently he is trying to be quite literally more

'outgoing')).

But I feel that I have to justify my expenses - for a hair cut, for a magazine,

a lunch, or a coffee. Because I am not working due to mental health problems, I

do need to try to get out and about, mainly doing very cheap things, like

hiking, walking my dogs, and house visits.

So I tried to talk to him about my 'percieved' controlling behaviour and my

guilt about spending, going out without him. He denies that he thinks there are

these controls that he puts in place, although I have recognised a big

discrepancy between his intentions and his actual behaviour. For example, he

comes accross as often very judgemental but he says he doesn't mean it. But it

does upset me and I struggle to cope with it. I do try to challenge it, but I

feel like the rest of my life is going to be a battle of regularly pulling him

up on certain behaviours, as and when he slips back into the less pleasant way

of behaving.

Please note that at the moment, I am talking from my own perspective without

compassion to him, partly because I am just exhausted permanently thinking about

his wellbeing, his needs, his problems, when I am ignoring my own issues. So it

can seem like blame for something he can't help doing.

But at the end of the day, I'm not sure I want to continue with this ongoing

battle.

He says it can be better, and seems to think that with trying and endeavour, the

relationship will be recovered, but actually I am not sure if I want several

more years of endeavour and trying, when I have spent just short of 10yrs doing

just that. He seems to think I am using this as a way of guilt tripping him,

because he was largely oblivious to the relationship problems for most of this

time.

I guess I am feeling the strain.

Recent examples of him 'not getting it' are:

I say I am struggling with the diet programme I am on, as I am pretty depressed,

and also some medication I am on increases my appetite, plus I am going through

some tough emotional stuff at the mo. He says I can't stop the diet, because he

doesn't want to stop his diet, and he can't do his unless I am doing mine. Just

factual bish bosh wallop. No consideration about the fact that just before that

conversation I was telling him how the suicidal feelings have been coming back

(don't worry, I don't plan to act on them, they're a sign of stress.)

Then I try to talk to him about the fact that I have recently realised that I am

happier when I am apart from him. It really upsets me that I feel this way,

it's really sad to go through the death of a marriage, especially when I really

don't want to hurt him! So I have suggested that he thinks about how he would

build a life out of the relationship. Like, what sort of place would he live

in, what he would do to pass time, would he still move abroad to work, and so

on. I am just met with Blind panic. His life would be ruined and he just sees

a very bleak existence. I have tried to explain that it's possible that a lot

of my enduring mental health problems may be related to our relationship and how

we interact, and that it may be that I need to leave the relationship to be

well, but he just won't even think about it, just panics and I am left feeling

really responsible for his happiness as he won't sit down and work out in real

terms how he could build a life beyond me.

The reason I am trying to get him to think about this, is that if I do leave

him, then he will be at least a bit prepared, and also, perhaps if we think

about how we would like to design our lives to live independently, perhaps we

could build a shared life together that incorporates some of the salient points

that we come up with independently.

But every time I try to talk about an issue, like feeling I can't spend

anything, I am met with flat denial that he thinks or behaves like it. It seems

that he has an ideal image of how he behaves and thinks, but doesn't see that in

reality in the stresses and strains of dealing with real life, he actually

doesn't come accross that way.

I am so very confused and conflicted. I just don't feel that I have it in me to

do all the struggling, endeavour and hard work to get the relationship on an

even keel and maintain it, which tends to be really hard. At the same time, I

do care about him deeply and really don't want to hurt or harm him in any way.

I just can't reconcile my mental wellbeing with staying in the relationship at

the moment.

Does anyone else recognise any of this?

Do any of the AS or ASD gang have any recommendations for how we can overcome it

or deal with it.

Do any of the NT's recognise this and have any ideas on how to sort this mess

out.

I just thank God that we don't have children. It's hard enough thinking about

the care of the Dogs!