At it again

[Guest guest]

Well it's been awhile since I have written. I pop in and continue to read posts

off and on. I was ready to give up on my suspected Aspie. Quick recap, married

12 yrs, one child between us. Separated 2 times, was headed for a 3rd and last.

I started counseling again by myself about six months ago which has been a life

saver. I was feeling so lost and hopeless. Depression was definately setting in.

I found myself crying everyday, feeling trapped and that I had made a huge

mistake by coming back. I was lonely and felt mad at myself for allowing this to

happen again to me and our son.

I gained strength with counseling and was planning end to this misery by moving

out. The timing wasn't right and I had to deal with some health issues of my

own. During this time I was able to think about what my life had turned into and

what I really needed to be happy. In my mind my husb. was my biggest problem. He

wasn't there for me like I had invisioned a husb. should be. That was my

problem, I had a preceived idea of a husband. I always knew deep down my husband

loved me but it was different, difficult, confusing. I didn't always feel loved.

Everything we did together became a battle. I am organized and yet on off time

can be very spontaneous. Both of these traits are far from anything my husband

is. I manage 2 business offices yet I couldn't manage my own life. My husband is

the most disorganized person I know and he fights with time on a daily basis,

he's always running late. When we have a day off I can get a call one morning to

do something fun and yet he has to put on the brakes and fret of all what ifs

that could happen through out the day. He became known as a fun-sucker. I was

worn out, I just couldn't do it anymore, so I thought.

I finally had to learn to let go. If there was someplace we had to be at a

certain time I would tell him when I planned on leaving and he if wasn't ready I

would meet him there. He was insulted at first but he eventually got used to it.

He either would show up late or would be shaving in the car on the way with me.

I realized if I wanted things to go as we had planned then I needed to worry

about getting myslef ready and not be responsible for him as well. It's not how

I had imagined going out would be but it prevents me from getting anxious or

angry. He almost always gets anxious if we are going to go out, and it could be

anywhere for anything, some days are better than others. If there's a time we

have to be someplace you can be sure he'll fight that too. Now he can't find

anything appropiate to wear. I swear I have never seen a man with so many

clothes, he has more than I do. Then he has to have the right belt and shoes and

changes them back and forth. It's painful to watch someone who is so indecisive,

really, he gets extremely frustrated. I no longer help or take part in his prep,

for my own sanity. If we do happen to make it out of the house together a whole

new problem starts, could be another driver on the road or maybe something he

forgot. This Sunday it was his fishing license when he was going fishing with

our son in-law. We got to my daughter's house and she could tell right off the

bat he was bent out of sorts. She came to me and asked if he was having a bad

day because he was standing out in the backyard by himself. He was actually

making sure the dogs knew where the shade was. Again, I have learned to let go

and let him do whatever it is he needs to do and know it's not a reflection on

me or toward me.

I have to go back in my story a bit to tell how I got to this point. As I said I

know he loves me and I know he loves our son deeply, he loves our pets as if

they were his children. Our cat was 17yrs old. We knew she was getting ready to

die. She would come and sit in the kitchen when we were getting dinner ready,

she just liked to watch. Anyway, due to her weak bladder I didn't allow her on

the carpet. She started walking toward the carpet and my husband went to pick

her up and she urinated on him and the floor. He took her downstairs to her

litter box. She just fell over. He laid her in her bed and called me over. Her

breathing was very rapid and her eyes looked glazed. He said he thought she was

going to die. I stood watching in amazement with tears streaming. He sat with

her, petting and talking to her til her last breath. It made me see a side of

him I had never seen in the 13 yrs we have been together. I think I knew he had

that inside but I had not experienced til then. The one thing I can count on is

his dedication and comittment. How can I leave that behind? Yes, there are alot

of issues that still need work on a daily basis but right now I think it's worth

it.

I have invited him to counseling with me. She knows that I had suspicions of AS.

I had spoke to him about what I thought may be going on with us and AS several

months ago. I figured at that point I had nothing to lose since my plan was to

leave him anyway. He was not very receptive. I let it go and brought it up in

our last counseling session. It did not go over very well. He said if that's the

problem with him what was my diagnosis because he is sure I have a real problem,

I can tell you what it is but I think most could figure it out (my reactions to

him). Anyway, I was very angry by his reaction. At first I thouhgt we are never

going to get anywhere, I explained this could change our lives. We could both

learn to comunicate in a more effective way and will help our marriage. It

bothered me because I felt it is always a tit for tat with him. I couldn't even

talk to him, I was so angry. After a night of thinking about it, I beleive it

was good not to say anything out of anger because it must be really hard to

accept the idea that he might have a form of autism. I am not saying it's a bad

thing but for someone who knows nothing about it, it's got to be frightening. In

counseling I kept reassuring him that this is good to know because now we can

learn better ways to communicate. I also told him that his quirky behavior is

what has become endearing to me and our family. My niece would even save " food

anomolies " for him, lol, one of his odd collections. He said he is willing to

explore the idea of AS although I feel his ambivalence.

We have a long road ahead of us but I do see our life changing already just with

knowledge and support, example, I sent a text to him griping about a family

incident. I didn't hear from him for several hours and realized he might be

afraid to respond and not know how to. I sent another text, " I am not mad, just

venting and informing " He then replied, " good, we'll talk later " . When we spoke

about it later he did say he thought I was mad at him, it had to do with his

parents. So, what I have learned is that I have to assure him that I am not

upset with him. He often feels I am not on his side. I don't know if his lack of

self esteem is from his aggresive father or AS, probably both.

Sorry this got so long but I guess I needed to vent again

Thanks everyone,

Kathi