Some thoughts on loners and dating - was: Helen on bad boys..

[Guest guest]

First, redux ..

> Thanks for that Helen,

> I would guess that unless the 'nice' guy Aspie manages to find a female who

> accepts him, which is more likely to occur a bit later on in life, maybe

> long after the teenage dating game period, the poor benighted fella will

> grow older like the son described in the letter, and get bitter, and

> eventually give up. The early knock-backs may well make him just too wary

> and uninviting to be attractive.

Hello again Ron,

Some further thoughts .. and maybe some " surprising " revelations for some AS

guys ... Looking back on my young years when people were still dating, I have

some memories, some amusing, some sad, some both, of friends and co-workers who

were looking for love in all the wrong places. I can't say now whether they had

AS or not, that's going too far back, though they all had social challenges of

some sort or another, and were more withdrawn, shy, aloof, and focused on their

work or hobbies.

Being AS myself, yes, at the milder end but still, being keenly aware of feeling

different inside, I was compassionate towards folks like that .. but so were the

NT folks who were my friends and associates. I reached out to them, as I knew

what it was like to feel somewhat alienated, even if in a lot of cases, that

feeling actually came from within me, not from my external environment.

We tried to invite and involve these loners in lunches, parties, and other

activities. We had a lot of fun, we liked to joke around, we teased each other

good naturedly, but we didn't ridicule, bully, bad mouth the loner behind their

backs. It was unspoken; this person was suffering somehow, they weren't " fair

game " for jokes, or discussions about them behind their backs. We honoured their

solitude. When they weren't there, they were out of sight, out of mind, but we

really did try to draw them out. Sometimes we had to go to the " loner's " home

and bodily drag them out to come out with us. Some years earlier, friends had

done the same for me, and I mean literally, LOL, dragging me out of bed at

midnight to go out for coffee.

I do believe that loners - who may or may not have AS - actually do isolate

themselves by choice! It could be anxiety, it could be depression, it could be

low self esteem and fear of making a mistake, fear of rejection if people really

knew what they were like, or it could simply be the incredible fatigue brought

on just by getting through the work or school day and having no inclination or

energy left to be able to process further verbal and non verbal communication,

and put up a brave front. They're done, they need their down-time.

Even in the workplace, I recall loners who opted to eat lunch by themselves,

sitting in a quieter place in the building, or outside in their vehicles, or the

far end of the parking lot under a tree, reading a book. There was no practical

way to engage them without intruding on their space. We would ask them to join

us when we saw them before lunch, but they usually passed on the invite. Often

they seemed very uncomfortable with the attention and we could tell they

couldn't wait to get away from us. Some people assumed they were " stuck up " and

didn't like us.

I was a rather persistent person, and I wouldn't stop saying " hi " to them, and

eventually most of them at least felt " safe " to talk to me. When they did,

almost universally, they were very unhappy people, feeling lonely, bitter,

unloved and alienated.

I would say, " well why don't you come out with us then? " and then they would

say, " noooo " and often go on further and say they disliked this person or that

person, or at least in some way they indicated they felt overwhelmed by certain

people, they couldn't handle them, they said.

You can see how they were sabotaging themselves, denying themselves of the

opportunity to learn socialization through trial and error, in the way that all

people, AS or NT, must learn. I imagine that they older they got, the harder it

must have been for them, as crippling anxiety would start to creep in.

When I think back further on how these people (almost always young men) fared in

the dating world, well, I have to conclude that, not unlike their socialization

in school or the workplace, they consciously or unconsciously eliminated

themselves from the dating pool.

The ones who were a little more outgoing or at least had the wherewithal to

speak when spoken to, still had an aura of aloofness, almost an arrogance, and a

real self sufficiency about them, and they gave off virtually no signals that

they were even interested in dating, never mind wanting or needing friendship.

You had the distinct impression that their life outside of work or school was

off limits to the rest of us. And a lot of them seemed to have a low opinion of

women outside of our social circle. They bemoaned that " all the good women were

taken. "

These young people (again, most were young men, but some young women too) seemed

to be focused on some idealized notion of a partner, that in real life, rarely

exists. But even if that person did exist, the loner was *not* putting

themselves out there in a way that they could ever find their dream mate.

Some were practically obsessed with one person in particular who wasn't

available to them, and spurned others who were interested, or at the very least

they were completely blind and deaf to the interest that others showed them.

Even the most socially inept, grooming challenged ones had opportunities with a

good hearted person, but, since the interested party did not conform to the

loner's idealized notion of a partner, they didn't even make the effort to get

to know them to see if love could have blossomed.

Often, their own self esteem was so low that if someone did pay them mind, they

assumed there must be something drastically wrong with the other person. In some

cases, yes, the other person was unsuitable, but in most cases, they simply

didn't give it a chance.

As for folks who hold out for specific qualities, many do *not* have low self

esteem, in fact they have very positive self esteem and are open to a positive

relationship, and they aren't crying in their beer saying " all the good women

(or men) are taken. " They have very full lives, and they do eventually find

their " soul mate. "

But in the context of this post, I'm talking about those who are lonely,

desperate, and unrealistic because they do not *know themselves* .. they really

don't understand people of either gender, period. They may simply want to be

" rescued " which .. well, that's a subject for another 50 posts. Not healthy. No,

in fact, they really don't know what they want. Their vision of perfection is

two dimensional. When presented with the real thing, they have *no clue* what to

do.

The loner's own low self esteem, depression, low energy, disinterest in anything

less than their ideal, removed them from the arena where finding a suitable

partner might have occurred. They had their own timetable, but it was off skew

with the rest of the workday world.

In a lot of cases, they were simply oblivious. The other " interested party " may

not have been particularly aggressive themselves, and was giving off subtle

signals, but ones that were missed by the " loner " person. The loner did not

reciprocate those signals, so, the other person, seeing there was no " green

light " to get closer, moved on.

I even recall some humourous instances (and one with a rather sad outcome) where

it became the personal mission of a co-worker to help out the poor sod as you

might put it.

I'll stick with one funny story of yore that my husband told me happened when he

was young. One of his co-workers, who was handsome, intelligent but extremely

arrogant and aloof young man, caught the attention of a very attractive divorced

woman who had two young children. She would have been just a few years older

than most of them, but she was financially independent, and ready to date again.

As my husband explains, most of the guys would have killed to have a chance with

her, but it was her mission to snare this one illusive co-worker, who was one of

those who was disparaging of ever finding a girlfriend.

My husband relayed how one day in winter, during a snowstorm, while the

attractive divorcee was out on a work related errand, she had a flat tire. She

called the workplace, and the aloof single co-worker took the call. Much to the

incredulity of my husband and the rest of his workmates, the single guy was

razzing the woman, saying, " Oh come on! You want *me* to change your tire? All

you women's libbers, you wanted equal rights, do it yourself or call the CAA! "

My husband and his co-workers were slapping their own heads in amazement,

gesturing wildly to the single guy and whispering to him frantically, " GO AND

CHANGE HER G.. D... TIRE! " ... My husband told me the man did eventually get

married .. in his 40's. LOL!

- Helen