AW: Hazel... deeper findings

[Guest guest]

Dear Churyl,

just a quick thought...

>I'm realizing that the underlying reason I got upset with Hazel is a

>recurring theme in my life... I want people to speak to me in what I

>think is a nice and respectful manner, otherwise I become hurt. I've

>always known that I am extreme in this sense. I'm grateful for all your

>feedback, and how it's led me to realize I want to do the work on

>this...

>Underlying belief: people must speak to me in a respectful way at all

>times or I become upset.

>1- yes

>2- it doesn't have to be true... I can change my response. So, no.

I see another way of seeing that it's not true: has ever, ANYONE not spoken to

you in a respectful way and you just did not care, or maybe even found it ok?

The guy at the counter, the one behind you in the line? Someone might not treat

you at all, just ignore you. Is that ok, sometimes? When you are in a fight with

someone, do you even care how the other one is not respectful? Aren't you angry

becuase of what brought the fight up? And isn't it just a selected group of

individuals who should be respectful to you at all?

I get to the point that people who are unfortunate enough to be close to me are

the ones I impose certain rules on.

> 3- how do I react? I spend time analyzing the tone and phrasing people

> use when they are speaking to me. I become hypervigilant. I am in their

> business. I refuse to interact with certain people because they don't

> live up to my standards. I have come to a point where I can't handle

> them. I lose out on their company, and they lose out on mine.

> 4- without this thought? I would be open to a wider range of people and

> their communication styles. I would spend a lot less time being hurt. I

> would see their 'mean' way of talking as their way of being, and as

> having nothing to do with me.

Would you even see it as " mean " , anymore?

> They would have my company. I might

> realize that their words are only words and can't hurt me.

Right. And how would you feel if the whole world just ignored you, and you could

not even think the thought: " the should treat me respectfully " ?

> TURNAROUND

> I must speak to me in a respectful way at all times or I become upset.

> (That is more true, although I hope to relax about that as well)

> People do not need to speak to me in a respectful way at all times. I

> don't need to become upset if they speak 'disrespectfully'. (This is

> definitely true... especially since it is reality).

" I must speak to THEM... "

number-six it:

I am willing that someone (Hazel?) speaks to me in a disrespectful manner.

I am looking forward that someone speaks to me in a disrespectful manner.

How do you feel about those?

> ----

> I think this ties into the whole doormat thing. I don't want to be taken

> advantage of.

Oh, really? Why not? That's what some people do best!

What is the difference between doing a favor for someone, and being taken

advantage of, in the moment you are doing what you are doing?

> I seem to be really worried about that. If I could let go

> of the concept of 'I',

Relax!

One step at a time!

You don't need to let go of that concept, now or ever, to be happy.

That's a concept you don't always have, anyway.

Just notice when it comes up.

> I think I would relax about this sort of thing.

> Having someone take essentials I need for survival and can't replace, or

> being physically abused, now *that's* being taken advantage of. But

> being spoken to in a disrespectful manner... I can just realize that

> person is confused... or I'm taking it the wrong way and I'm confused

> ... and not be hurt by it. Hmmm...

And even when you are taken advantage of...

well, I'd be looking forward to doing the work with you.

> Churyl

Love,

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