Questions

[Guest guest]

Angie, a suggestion, I don't know if it would work. It is to eat smaller

amounts more often. I know it's good for diabetes type 2, and it may be

your insides would work better with a smaller load.

Just a guess, Sam

[Guest guest]

Dear Angie,

First, take a crowbar and beat your husband. Just smile and say, " I'm doing

you a favor ... Susie would use a gun. " You surely don't need him pulling

stunts like that when you are seriously ill. The best help for the

gastroparesis I know of is " Dr. Bernstein's Diabetes Solution " by

Bernstein. He has some wonderful suggestions for dealing with it. The next

thing to look at is your treatment regimen.

This is what it says about metoclopramide (Reglan):

Overdosage / Contraindications:

Symptoms of overdosage may include drowsiness, disorientation and

extrapyramidal reactions. Anticholinergic or antiparkinson drugs or

antihistamines with anticholinergic properties may be helpful in controlling

the extrapyramidal reactions. Symptoms are self-limiting and usually

disappear within 24 hours ...

Unintentional overdose due to misadministration has been reported in

patients between the ages of 2 months and 7 years with the use of Reglan

syrup. While there was no consistent pattern to the reports associated with

these overdoses, events included seizures, extrapyramidal reactions, and

lethargy ... Metoclopramide should not be used in epileptics or patients

receiving other drugs which are likely to cause extrapyramidal reactions,

since the frequency and severity of seizures or extrapyramidal reactions may

be increased.

*************

<< 1000 mg Glouphage in the morning

20 units of Humulin N in the morning

20 mg of Aciphex

500 mg of Glouphage at night

10 units of Humulin N at night >>

With the gastroparesis, you may not be able to tolerate glucophage -

especially not 1000 mg at a time. You may do much better on insulin alone.

But I don't see how 20 U of N am and 10 U of N pm is going to take care of

your needs. Here's the door to Eli Lilly's insulin action graphs:

http://www.humulinpen.com/02-products/tap.html

N is intermediate-acting. It's hard to read Lilly's chart accurately. N

kicks in pretty fast and has a long tail. It looks like it peaks at the

3-hour to 9-hour mark, and is out of your system in 23 hours. I don't

understand how a diabetic can achieve good control using N alone. I think

that, using N alone, you are bound to have hypos and highs.

Susie

[Guest guest]

Dear Angie,

I'm still looking up info for you. RxList.com says: " Diabetic Gastroparesis

(Diabetic Gastric Stasis)

Reglan (Metoclopramide Hydrochloride, USP) is indicated for the relief of

symptoms associated with acute and recurrent diabetic gastric stasis. The

usual manifestations of delayed gastric emptying (e.g., nausea, vomiting,

heart burn, persistent fullness after meals and anorexia) appear to respond

to Reglan within different time intervals. Significant relief of nausea

occurs early and continues to improve over a three-week period. Relief of

vomiting and anorexia may precede the relief of abdominal fullness by one

week or more.

<snipped>

For the Relief of Symptoms Associated with Diabetic Gastroparesis (Diabetic

Gastric Stasis)

Administer 10 mg of metoclopramide 30 minutes before each meal and at

bedtime for two to eight weeks, depending upon response and the likelihood

of continued well-being upon drug discontinuation.

The initial route of administration should be determined by the severity of

the presenting symptoms. If only the earliest manifestations of diabetic

gastric stasis are present, oral administration of Reglan may be initiated.

However, if severe symptoms are present, therapy should begin with Reglan

Injectable (I.M. or I.V.). Doses of 10 mg may be administered slowly by the

intravenous route over a 1- to 2-minute period. Administration of Reglan

Injectable (Metoclopramide Injection, USP) up to 10 days may be required

before symptoms subside, at which time oral administration may be

instituted. Since diabetic gastric stasis is frequently recurrent, Reglan

therapy should be reinstituted at the earliest manifestation.

Angie, is there any way you can find another doctor who is better-informed

on insulin dosing and takes more interest in your well-being? An

endocrinologist is usually the best-informed specialist for a diabetic. As

you can see from the above, the metoclopramide (Reglan) is only for

short-term use anyway.

I failed to define " extrapyramidal reactions " : twitching, tremors,

restlessness, dysphoria, and hallucinations.

The secret to recovering from gastroparesis, as with any other diabetes

complication, is to first get your blood sugars as normal as possible. I

think you really need to focus on a more sophisticated insulin regimen,

along with attention to the foods you are eating, because it is the

carbohydrates we take in that spike our glucose. (Proteins don't have much

of an impact, and fats in fact mute our body's response to the carbs.)

Here is a study I found referenced. You might be able to look it up in the

online archives of the New England Journal of Medicine (I think its URL is

still http://www.nejm.com):

Kris MG, Tyson LB, Gralla RJ, et al.: Extrapyramidal reactions with

high-dose metoclopramide. New England Journal of Medicine 309(7): 433, 1983.

Susie

[Guest guest]

Dear Angie,

I'm still thinking and thinking about your situation. I think you must

insist upon being placed on Humalog. And you will have to test a *lot* and

carry glucose tablets around with you. The thing about Humalog is that it is

so short-acting. Your food is just hanging around in your stomach. Suddenly,

at odd times, your body processes it, and that's when you get those bg

spikes. The downside of Humalog is that it kicks in so hard. You'll have to

carefully experiment, and be prepared to pop glucose tabs if you hypo. I

think if you follow Bernstein's advice regarding the gastroparesis, and get

a Humalog program going, you will be on your way to normal readings. And

that will be the beginning of recovery from the gastroparesis, along with

any other complications that may have developed. And you may also need a

background insulin. But mainly, we don't want you careening from readings of

48 to 575.

Susie

[Guest guest]

wrote:

<< Humalog is not a good idea and not recommended when you suffer from

gastroparesis, except under very specific circumstances. If your stomach is

emptying several hours after eating, it does not make sense to take an

insulin

that starts to work only 1/2 hour after eating (risking a hypo, which is

tricky

to treat). >>

I was thinking of using small doses of Humalog, not at mealtimes but when

testing indicates one's glucose levels are soaring, i.e., when the delayed

stomach emptying finally sets in. Since there's no sure way for Angie to

know when that event will occur (for now, at least), I can't see how two

daily shots of N or whatever could possibly work for her. The prob, I guess,

is that we can usually feel a hypo, but not necessarily a hyper. It would

require an awful lot of testing.

Bernstein's suggestions make a lot of sense. (I had skipped that chapter.)

Thanks for posting them, !

Susie

[Guest guest]

Carolyn..I'd suggest you invest in some over the counter ( OTC) Guafisen..if you can swallow pills w/little difficulty, Mucinex is a good brand..I can't so I take plain ole liquid Guafisen..your pharmacist can help you w/that..it's fairly inexpensive..

Also, lots of water..this will help to loosen mucous in your chest that needs to be expelled..

Also, a saline mist ..this will help clear your sinuses which drip to the back of and irritate our throats..

It's all good'

Sandie

My Tears don't comprimise my Strength...They never have...See what's free at AOL.com.

[Guest guest]

I was disagnosed with bronch and emphysema one year ago after constant coughing and sinus infections for 30 years. I have been told "to learn to live with it", that it was mild asthma and have taken every medication out there. I am 70 years old, and was very active and working full time until last when when I began feeling extremely out of breath and tired. After a fainting spell at work, I had an EKG, echocardiogram and just about every other test known. Was taking antiobiotics and prednisone nonstop until this fall when I was told I have immunoglobulin deficiency and could not take antibiotics or prednisone any longer. I should mention I had to change doctors last fall because I had moved. Although I tried to do as much as possible, everything left me out of breath and very shaky and tired. As a result of changing doctors, I managed to end up with copies of all of medical records for the last five years and started going through them. I discovered that the echocardiogram taken one year ago showed that I have pulmonary hypertension. NONE of the doctors I have seen picked up on this. It is caused from the bronch, etc., and there is really no treatment. I grow progressively weaker and was told I could have a month or five years.

I am a very proactive, positive, faith filled woman and know where I will go when I do go, but living with the limitations I have is very difficult. Has anyone else ended up with this kind of situation?

Marilyn

See what's free at AOL.com.

[Guest guest]

It is caused from the bronch, etc., and there is really no treatment. I grow progressively weaker and was told I could have a month or five years.

I am a very proactive, positive, faith filled woman and know where I will go when I do go, but living with the limitations I have is very difficult. Has anyone else ended up with this kind of situation?

Marilyn

Marilyn

My ex husband has PH and yes there def IS treatment for it.

It's not surprising, as lung patients, that we would develop PH, considering the strain on our hearts. I too have been dx'd w/a mild case of PH. I'm due for a follow up to update my PH too.

What area are you in? s Hopkins has an excellent clinic that can help you with your PH..my husband was dx'd over 9 yrs ago...the life expectancy for PH is about 5 years..but w/medication he's doing well..

Sandie

My Tears don't comprimise my Strength...They never have...See what's free at AOL.com.

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much. I will get the Mucinex and see if it helps.

Carolyn

Carolyn..I'd suggest you invest in some over the counter ( OTC) Guafisen..if you can swallow pills w/little difficulty, Mucinex is a good brand..I can't so I take plain ole liquid Guafisen..your pharmacist can help you w/that..it's fairly inexpensive..

Also, lots of water..this will help to loosen mucous in your chest that needs to be expelled..

Also, a saline mist ..this will help clear your sinuses which drip to the back of and irritate our throats..

It's all good'

Sandie

My Tears don't comprimise my Strength...They never have...

See what's free at AOL.com.

Carolyn S. Buckenmaier, EdDTeam Leader/Committee ChairApplied Research Office/NSU VA FL Rings at both housesbuckenm@... See what's free at AOL.com.

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the news there is help. I live in the Chicago suburbs. I have a pulmonologist, but his latest was that I am tired because I am depressed, and the cough is from acid reflux. I will NOT be seeing him again, but he is part of a large group, so I won't have to transfer records etc.See what's free at AOL.com.

[Guest guest]

Carolyn - re (e-mail below)

I, too, have been diagnosed with bronchiectasis. Now the doctor is not sure that it is bronch. and I am having tests this week and next week to see if it is asthma or bronch. My symptoms (for the past 27 years) has been constant cough and also a need to clear my throat. I do not produce large amounts of mucus - but I do have a little ..... but not every time I cough.

Donna

Questions

While I have been diagnosed with bronchiectasis, I do not produce large amounts of mucus. I do have a CONSTANT cough and have a need to clear my throat. It has become really bad. I have had this cough for years. It gets worse at times but never truly goes away. I am wondering if anyone else has had such an issue and how it was treated. I am a 66 year old female.

Carolyn

See what's free at AOL.com.

[Guest guest]

Carolyn - re (e-mail below)

I, too, have been diagnosed with bronchiectasis. Now the doctor is not sure that it is bronch. and I am having tests this week and next week to see if it is asthma or bronch. My symptoms (for the past 27 years) has been constant cough and also a need to clear my throat. I do not produce large amounts of mucus - but I do have a little ..... but not every time I cough.

Donna

Questions

While I have been diagnosed with bronchiectasis, I do not produce large amounts of mucus. I do have a CONSTANT cough and have a need to clear my throat. It has become really bad. I have had this cough for years. It gets worse at times but never truly goes away. I am wondering if anyone else has had such an issue and how it was treated. I am a 66 year old female.

Carolyn

See what's free at AOL.com.

[Guest guest]

It would be important that you get yourself a good cardio dr..thru cardio ultra sound they can dx and thru consult and working together the cardio and pulm can t treat your PH and help slow down the progression for you..

My Tears don't comprimise my Strength...They never have...See what's free at AOL.com.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I will weigh in on a few of your questions..

Diagnosis: This is also a " new " diagnosis, only recognized in the DSM in 1994, I

think, and then it was almost exclusively children that were diagnosed. My own

belief is that it is uncommon for adults to be diagnosed because they learn to

mask many of the markers of an ASD. With the proposed " updated " criteria in the

DSM V comes into effect in 2013, I think a lot less adults will be diagnosed,

too. Back in the day, even if his parents noticed something off about him, there

wasn't a great deal they could do. Some parents do remain in denial about their

adult children, too.

Employment issues: Depending on what issues are co-morbid with AS, it may or may

not affect the person's employability. Elsewhere in your questions it seems that

your husband is disorganized and undisciplined in some areas so his executive

functioning is affected. He may also have slower processing of incoming

stimulus, get tired easily because of the energy he has to put into simply

taking everything on board throughout the day, and he may also have problems

with social interaction at work. He may not present well at interviews for all

the same reasons.

Meltdowns: You refer to him breaking things and generally raging when he gets

frustrated that something does not fit. I would suspect that he had this

behavior since childhood and his family either ignored it or pandered to it, but

otherwise, since AS was not known then, didn't seem to be aware that this wasn't

something he was going to " grow out of. " He needs to learn to self regulate.

AS and Sex: Certainly the timing of initiation seems to be a big issue for many

on the spectrum, and often the timing is inappropriate. As you say, though, for

you, any initiation no matter when might be good! Ruling out metabolic problems,

depression or naturally low libido (some AS here have reported that) there could

be other factors such as difficulty with touch, smells, etc. Last but not least,

while sex can be many things to many people, among committed couples it is also

another form of communication which strengthens their bond. With some AS,

problems with intimacy is an extension of other social/communication/empathy

difficulties.

Regarding your question, why wouldn't the spouse who was seemingly withholding

not worry about losing their partner. I think because the marital dynamic has

already shifted from partner/partner to parent/child, there is the expectation

that one will not be abandoned regardless of the bad behavior because after all,

their mother gave unconditional love no matter how they behaved. And with

impaired theory of mind issues, it is hard for them to imagine a partner missing

something that they don't.

No music or talking allowed in the car: Some of this is rigid behavior,

something common to most AS until it is pointed out to them. If he has sensory

processing disorder (and it sounds like he does) he probably can't concentrate

on more than one thing at once. If you are driving, you should be allowed to

talk or play music to your own comfort level though.

- Helen

[Guest guest]

> I was wondering a lot of things about my partner and don't understand or have

the answers. especially number 4:

A lot of these are very general people things, or insensitive person of any type

things. Some are completely unique to the person and independent of AS/NT or any

other condition. Saying that, I'll answer as both an AS woman and the (ex) wife

of an AS man.

> 1. How come many Aspie men can't find jobs, or hold jobs, or don't want to

work, if they do have a job it's an uphill battle to try to get him to stay at

one job for more than 2 years? no job is ever satisfying to him because he wants

to make something of himself. But for a guy who needs specifics, how come he is

so general and chooses such a broad goal? To me if I want to make something of

myself I pick small goals to lead up to that like more education.

Im stbx' case, while he was a fantastic engineer, he had two As-related faults.

1) he could never gauge the correct amount of effort for a project, so he'd work

his heart out on everything, overthink solutions, and spend far too much time

solving every detail, when his boss asked for the big picture only. He would

treat people at work as thinking tools, not humans. He almost never socialized

with " the guys " unless it was forced on him. In all the years we had kids (15

before the separation) we went to *one* family holiday event, because he didn't

like them (the kids and I did). Never went to the adult social events, either.

> 3. How come his parents had no idea what he had when the symptoms are more

prominent in men as little boys? Why are most men diagnosed at such a late age?

Because Asperger's didn't exist when they were little! Of course people were

Aspies, but the condition was not recognized, and when it was, it was diagnosed

only in completely dysfunctional people. When I first self-diagnosed I told my

mom, who was best friends with Sylvia Rimland (wife of prominent autism

researcher Bernie Rimland.) Without even talking to me, Bernie and Sylvia said I

couldn't be Aspie because I was married and living a normal life. This was in

the late 1990s.

> 4. How come he doesn't like or enjoy sex at all even though I know he loves

me? I've seen a lot of Aspie men have issues sexual inappropriateness, or not

knowing boundaries, but I actually wish he would be a little inappropriate?

Before I thought it was Asperger's I thought he was gay or was sexually abused

as child (all was negative except Aspergers)?

This has *nothing* to do with AS! stbx was oversexed … much of the reason for

the divorce was that he was on the down low (cheating with men) for 10 year.

When I found out, he told me he'd be faithful -- 6 months later I found hard

evidence of two hookups, and a possible third.

> 5. How do I maintain my close relationship with my family with his Asperger's

when he doesn't want to come with me or he makes it uncomfortable to be there so

we always have to leave early?

Go alone. Or make sure he brings a book or laptop and give him space to be

asocial.

> 6. How come when we have a guest, he actually makes breakfast instead of

waiting for me to wake up to make it like he usually does? (he'll wait all day

if he has to until I wake up and I start to make something, then he says he's

hungry too). So everyone thinks I'm crazy cause he's so good to me and spoils

me? This is why I love guests, cause everything he needs to do around the house

gets done, and I can actually get him to say yes to going to Costco with me.

Have you asked him?

I think a lot of men, especially Aspie men, forget that their wives are human

beings. They seem to classify us as self-aware household appliances. We have to

find ways to keep reminding them (nicely) that we are people too, just like

everyone else.

> 8. He used to throw out the garbage, but I did it once, and ever since then he

will never throw out the garbage, why does he do that, is it cause he thinks I

can do it so he doesn't need to, is it cause he likes rodents, or is it cause

the garbage bin is within walking distance?

1) The household appliance is so great, she can learn new skills! and 2) he's

Aspie enough that the sarcasm goes right over his head and he *does* like

rodents.

> 9. Why does he have break things when he's set off or screams? Why can't he

just say he's angry rather than scaring me with his yelling or road rage?

I think this is built into the Y chromosome. Seriously, I know quite a few very

NT men who do this.

> 10. Why does he think money grows on trees when we don't have that much money?

> 11. Why does he try to impress his parents or buy their love by buying them

things we can't afford for ourselves, r giving them money we don't have, when he

doesn't want to visit his parents without me?

> 12. why can't he just put things back where he found it instead breaking

things to make them fit or messing up 2 days worth of cleaning that I cleaned,

why can't he clean he house?

> 13. why does he answer all my questions with " I don't know " or he ignores me

but if I ignore or answer him with I don't know he has a tantrum?

These all sound like specific incidents … and these issues happen with all

couples.

> 14. How come he's not afraid that I will find someone else to fulfill my

sexual desires because he doesn't want to make love?I would be afraid of him

finding someone else if I didn't fulfill his needs.

Stop me before I go off on an anthropological lecture on how monogamy is

cultural, and how many Aspies don't fully understand this aspect of culture, and

how many polyamorists are well-adjusted Aspies who don't care to follow cultural

norms of sexuality.

Summary: he may well not care if you take a lover; he may be polyamorous and not

get jealous.

> 15. why is it when he's sick my world has to come to a stop because all his

needs have to be taken care of but when I'm sick he's happy cause he gets to

play ps3 or surf the net without me bothering me, when all I want is a glass of

water. But if his parents or sister is sick he bends over backwards going to the

pharmacy to find everything they need or he searches online for information on

their symptoms? It's like I'm superwoman and me being sick is not the end of his

world.

Household appliances don't get sick. And you always get better, no? (yes, this

is heavy sarcasm)

> 18. How come he can't tell me or explain why he loves me?

Because his brain doesn't work that way. He shows he loves you by sharing his

life with you.

> 19. Why does he get disappointed and sad when I stop making all the effort to

be thoughtful and romantic, but I'm not allowed to be upset when he doesn't do

much thoughtful or romantic things for me?

He knows he needs love, but needs to be hit with a 2 by 4 to realize you are not

a household appliance.

Sorry for the snarky sarcasm; I'm in an odd mood tonight. It does sound like

he's taking you for granted, and SOMETHING needs to snap him out of that. It's

not unique to AS men, all sorts of men can do this -- but AS makes it even

harder to snap him out.

I do know about this … the day before I got the restraining order, stbx screamed

at me for 45 minutes because I didn't help him clean the yard (covered in 3 feet

of snow) and instead did nothing. [i was in school meetings and kid activities

all day, except when I was cooking dinner.] He then told me to kill myself

because he'd do better without me. Why was he cleaning the yard? Because a

caseworker from social services was coming because someone called them that our

kids were suffering " abuse and neglect by the father. " Once they found out I had

gotten a restraining order throwing him out, they dropped the case.

--Liz

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[Guest guest]

Helen,I like how you put things into the AS perspective. Especially the answer to the low libido and the "missing" theory of mind. It is so true how can he miss something that he isn't missing. Very true. I guess that's the sad part sometimes, I wish he could be able to understand or feel what it would be like not to have me in his life.hehe Yes if I'm driving there is no way he can turn off the music. I guess sometimes I like it when he drives the long road trips to the city or just drive in general cause I feel like since I do so much, can't he drive cause he's good at it? But then if I want to stop the road rage and want to listen to music then I have to take on another responsibility which is driving I guess. But I think you're right about sex being another form of communication to him. I wish he would just stop saying "I don't know" to that question. But for now the only reason that explains it is probably what you're saying. I wish we had more of a sex life but I'm happy he will never cheat on me.

Hi ,

I will weigh in on a few of your questions..

Diagnosis: This is also a "new" diagnosis, only recognized in the DSM in 1994, I think, and then it was almost exclusively children that were diagnosed. My own belief is that it is uncommon for adults to be diagnosed because they learn to mask many of the markers of an ASD. With the proposed "updated" criteria in the DSM V comes into effect in 2013, I think a lot less adults will be diagnosed, too. Back in the day, even if his parents noticed something off about him, there wasn't a great deal they could do. Some parents do remain in denial about their adult children, too.

Employment issues: Depending on what issues are co-morbid with AS, it may or may not affect the person's employability. Elsewhere in your questions it seems that your husband is disorganized and undisciplined in some areas so his executive functioning is affected. He may also have slower processing of incoming stimulus, get tired easily because of the energy he has to put into simply taking everything on board throughout the day, and he may also have problems with social interaction at work. He may not present well at interviews for all the same reasons.

Meltdowns: You refer to him breaking things and generally raging when he gets frustrated that something does not fit. I would suspect that he had this behavior since childhood and his family either ignored it or pandered to it, but otherwise, since AS was not known then, didn't seem to be aware that this wasn't something he was going to "grow out of." He needs to learn to self regulate.

AS and Sex: Certainly the timing of initiation seems to be a big issue for many on the spectrum, and often the timing is inappropriate. As you say, though, for you, any initiation no matter when might be good! Ruling out metabolic problems, depression or naturally low libido (some AS here have reported that) there could be other factors such as difficulty with touch, smells, etc. Last but not least, while sex can be many things to many people, among committed couples it is also another form of communication which strengthens their bond. With some AS, problems with intimacy is an extension of other social/communication/empathy difficulties.

Regarding your question, why wouldn't the spouse who was seemingly withholding not worry about losing their partner. I think because the marital dynamic has already shifted from partner/partner to parent/child, there is the expectation that one will not be abandoned regardless of the bad behavior because after all, their mother gave unconditional love no matter how they behaved. And with impaired theory of mind issues, it is hard for them to imagine a partner missing something that they don't.

No music or talking allowed in the car: Some of this is rigid behavior, something common to most AS until it is pointed out to them. If he has sensory processing disorder (and it sounds like he does) he probably can't concentrate on more than one thing at once. If you are driving, you should be allowed to talk or play music to your own comfort level though.

- Helen

[Guest guest]

** - my answers

Before you read what I have written, , please know I am not

sugarcoating anything because of what you might want to hear. I write this from

the standpoint of my past experiences and what I would do if I was in your shoes

(which is one of the great things of living with Aspergers - tell it like it is

and be blunt but tactful)

>

> I was wondering a lot of things about my partner and don't understand or have

the answers. especially number 4:

>

> 1. How come many Aspie men can't find jobs, or hold jobs, or don't want to

work, if they do have a job it's an uphill battle to try to get him to stay at

one job for more than 2 years? no job is ever satisfying to him because he wants

to make something of himself. But for a guy who needs specifics, how come he is

so general and chooses such a broad goal? To me if I want to make something of

myself I pick small goals to lead up to that like more education.

** I don't know where you live, but the economy here in the United States is

pretty bad. Given that jobs can be found through networking moreso than in any

other way (people know other people), it's not something that a lot of people

who have AS are comfortable doing. It's something I have had to work a lot

harder at doing, because I am not altogether comfortable with just going up to

people and asking if they know of any job openings.

Second, support services in the USA for adults who have AS/HFA is terrible. I

don't need to cite or document this, because it's pretty much common knowledge

that there's a huge lack of support services for adults with AS/HFA. Thus, a

reason I chose to create Greater Chattanooga Aspies. GCA is going in a

direction which will help adults with job mentoring in the future. The longest

job I have held is 2 1/2 years, and that is when I was self-employed. The

longest job I have had employed by a company is just over a year.

> 2. How come I've lost all my friends since being in a relationship with him?

** Probably because being involved with someone who has AS and hasn't evolved

like being involved with a child. That much extra attention is needed for that

individual. Plus, someone who requires that much attention as an adult is

someone who has not evolved to the point where they can do things on their own

without being asked.

> 3. How come his parents had no idea what he had when the symptoms are more

prominent in men as little boys? Why are most men diagnosed at such a late age?

** People are being diagnosed much earlier in life. My best friend's daughter

is 15 and was diagnosed when she was 8. Up until the early 1990's, the tools

for diagnosing people in the USA were not made available. Thus, people like me

and others who are older have lived our lives without ever knowing we have had

AS/HFA. We, including myslf, may have known we were " different " but never knew

why. I wish I could have been diagnosed as a child, because my life may have

turned out differently as it has until now.

> 4. How come he doesn't like or enjoy sex at all even though I know he loves

me? I've seen a lot of Aspie men have issues sexual inappropriateness, or not

knowing boundaries, but I actually wish he would be a little inappropriate?

Before I thought it was Asperger's I thought he was gay or was sexually abused

as child (all was negative except Aspergers)?

** Men who have AS often have difficulty expressing their needs to their mates

about what it is they want in a way that their mates can understand. At the

same time, please understand that all men with AS are different from each other

- we do have similarities about AS. I had issues with sexual inapprorpriateness

earlier in my life. However, I have evolved to where I live in each and every

" present moment " and developed a thankful and grateful spirit. My best friend

and I have a relationship where the spiritual intersects the sexual/physical is

important to both of us.

> 6. How come when we have a guest, he actually makes breakfast instead of

waiting for me to wake up to make it like he usually does? (he'll wait all day

if he has to until I wake up and I start to make something, then he says he's

hungry too). So everyone thinks I'm crazy cause he's so good to me and spoils

me? This is why I love guests, cause everything he needs to do around the house

gets done, and I can actually get him to say yes to going to Costco with me.

** Just get him to think there's a guest coming over in his mind and it'll be

like Pavlov and his dogs. Bell rings, guest comes over, and breakfast is

served. Eventually, the bell will ring and he'll make breakfast automatically.

Wouldn't that be nice. So you just answered your own question. Invite guests

over for breakfast and let him make breakfasts. He's happy. You're happy.

Your relationship prospers with him.

> 7. We have had to find 3 new dentists because everytime he makes an

appointment and has an alert on his iphone, he still forgets, so we owe the

dentist money for last minute cancellations, because he refuses to call them and

try to make up a good excuse, so we end up finding a new dentist. Why, what is

he so scared of, I can't cancel and remember all his psyc, doctor, haircut, or

dentist appointments?

** One of the principles that my best friend and I have in our relationship is

to " be true. " Being true means to be true to ourselves and each other. She

reminded me the other day about a difficult situation I had with telling her

something. She said to me, " Be honest, even if it is difficult telling me how

you're feeling. " So, I managed to get my words out, and she appreciated it.

I think the both of you should sit down and have a discussion. Find out why it

is that causes him to forget to cancel appointments and be true to each other.

Even if it is difficult for him to get his words out to you about why he has

trouble cancelling his appointments. I would begin with something positive

about him, then go with what it is that is negative that is causing problems,

then remind him how much you love him. That's just me.

> 10. Why does he think money grows on trees when we don't have that much money?

** Could it be that he doesn't have any financial literacy skills? Might want

to see what is in your neighborhood with regard to providing financial literacy

skills to adults with various forms of autism.

> 11. Why does he try to impress his parents or buy their love by buying them

things we can't afford for ourselves, r giving them money we don't have, when he

doesn't want to visit his parents without me?

** Could be that he has never truly disconnected from his parents. As a result,

he tries to buy their love by buying them things that you can not afford. He

doesn't seem to understand that his relationship with you should be more

important than his parents. And because I presume that he hasn't disconnected

from his parents, that could very well be a source of tension in your

relationship with him.

> 12. why can't he just put things back where he found it instead breaking

things to make them fit or messing up 2 days worth of cleaning that I cleaned,

why can't he clean he house?

** Seems to me that he associates breaking things with simplifying things in his

life. The more he breaks, the more he simplifies. However, breaking things

coms with a price, and a price he doesn't seem to comprehend. Again, it all

goes back to a lack of financial literacy in his life. Any reasonable person

who is financial literate wouldn't go around breaking things on purpose. To be

clumsy and to break something accidentally, that's understandable. But to

simply break something for the purpose of not putting it back, something's not

right with the picture.

> 13. why does he answer all my questions with " I don't know " or he ignores me

but if I ignore or answer him with I don't know he has a tantrum?

** Something's not right if he has to say " I don't know. " I get the impression

his mental age is not what it should be for someone who has high functioning

autism. With someone who has a developmental delay with ADHD or high

functioning autism, it's about 75 to 80% of what a typical person's age should

be. For example, if he is 30 years old, his mental age should be in the 22.5 to

24 year old range. His mental age sounds like someone who is in their teens

from the way you describe things. But, I'm just going on what you have said and

nothing else.

> 15. why is it when he's sick my world has to come to a stop because all his

needs have to be taken care of but when I'm sick he's happy cause he gets to

play ps3 or surf the net without me bothering me, when all I want is a glass of

water. But if his parents or sister is sick he bends over backwards going to the

pharmacy to find everything they need or he searches online for information on

their symptoms? It's like I'm superwoman and me being sick is not the end of his

world.

** He feels the need to still yet impress his parents that he can make it out in

the real world. Thing is, he doesn't know how to make it out in the real world

with the simplest of things. Thus, he really isn't making it in the real world.

When I was dating the woman who ended up diangosing me officially with AS/HFA,

it was the same kind of thing (except for having to impress the parents). When

she got sick, I would ask her, " What do I do? What am I suppose to get? " And

like you, she was superwoman. She ended up doing the things she needed to do to

make her feel better, while I looked like an absolutely stupid idiot for not

doing something so simple the typical person should be able to do. When I

reflect upon that time in my life, I ask myself, " What happened that caused me

to do something like that? "

Guess what became of that relationship? She couldn't handle any more of me, and

chose to end the relationship. It was the best thing she ever did for me,

because I had to discover who I was and come to grips for living with AS/HFA.

> 16. If he likes lists so much, how come he still always forgets to buy one

item at the market even with the list? Or if he gets double charged for

something he didn't buy he won't get a refund for something he never bought. And

if I do he gets embarrassed when I don't even cause a scene, and the clerk is

the one who feels bad for making a mistake? Why does he feel bad or embarrassed

for another's mistake? Of if the server get his order wrong even if he's

allergic, he won't dare let her know or ask for the right dish?

** That makes absolutely no sense to me, even for someone like me who likes

lists. Now every once in a while, I might forget to take a list with me to the

grocery store and end up buying things I don't need or end up buying something I

already have. But I do check my receipts more times than not and am aware when

I feel I am being double charged for something.

> 18. How come he can't tell me or explain why he loves me?

** I wanted to say at first that he's hiding something from you. Then after

reading all these questions, I wondered if he hasn't reached the mental maturity

to say to you or explain why he loves you. Then, I wondered if he was some kind

of masculine pig who only cares about himself and not you. I wasn't able to

explain growing up why I loved someone. I can now, but that's because I have

evolved to the point where it's easy for me to tell and explain why I love my

best friend.

> 19. Why does he get disappointed and sad when I stop making all the effort to

be thoughtful and romantic, but I'm not allowed to be upset when he doesn't do

much thoughtful or romantic things for me?

** Maybe if he would learn to take the time to be thoughtful and romantic

towards you that he would not be disappointed and sad. Again, goes back to the

lack of mental maturity is my guess.

Long story short in my conclusion....

I don't know this person. However, my conclusion is the following:

1. This guy is mentally immature to a good degree. The way you describe your

questions leads me to believe that this individual has not developed to a level

of maturity that a typical person even with high functioning autism (like me).

Because of the way he spends money like it's going out of style, I believe he is

mentally immature in how to handle money. If an emergency were to occur, he

would ask you to take charge of the situation (just from the way you worded your

questions - implies he would want you to take charge of the situation). If the

money's not there, then what?

2. If I am you, I'd begin to seriously question if I want to be with someone

like him. Granted I have lived with high functioning autism for all my life,

basically. I do realize that people mature at different ages. I came into my

own in March 2009 at the age of 41 almost 42. I reflect upon the earlier times

in my life, and see how different things were back then compared to now. How

immature I was in handling the simplest of things compared to now. Asking for

help in knowing what to do if someone got sick AS AN ADULT. Can people change?

Yes. I did for the better. But the real question is this. Do you envision him

changing for the better? Is there any hope he could possibly change, given the

way he has been and his life? Your wording of the questions has serious doubt

in my mind he will change.

And like I said earlier, my then-girlfriend, a licensed physician, the one who

diagnosed me officially with AS and AD/HD, chose to end her relationship with me

because I wasn't getting any better from a mental standpoint. And you know

what? It was the best decision she ever made in the relationship. To end the

relationship. I believe that to this day. As much as you love him, love

sometimes in itself can't save a relationship. Love is a two-way street, not

one-way, in adult relationships. Until he matures to the point where he

understands that relationships are all about give and take and compromise, you

will be unhappy being with that man. Your wording of the questions and his

actions - imply an unhappy future.

I have done my best to use tact in my response. A friend told me one time that

the truth can be a difficult thing to swallow sometimes. However, he wasn't

kidding me when he said, " I don't tell you these things because I want to

sugarcoat something for you. I say these things because I want you to see what

you could be facing. " I appreciated his honesty very much.

Hope this helps in some way,

[Guest guest]

Liz:

You just answered my question from your perspective. Thanks!

[Guest guest]

Glad to hear you are safely back at home. And I think you and I are

basically saying the same thing in slightly different ways. But I will

clarify that when I mention times where it has taken a decade to learn

something new it is because it was something in the form of theory of mind,

or some other cognitive thing that he was having a hard time sorting out

because of the way he processes information in his Aspie brain.

For instance, things that are seemingly irrational. Like the fact that I

like to be complimented verbally on a regular basis in order to feel

validated and appreciated. Or like something brought up, why can't

we chat in the car. I understood that it broke his concentration but over

time he taught himself to chat with me in the car. He damned near scared the

pants off me when he started doing it out of the blue, with no warning after

15 years of silence. It makes for a great story through.

Cheers,

Deb

RE: Re: Questions

Deb,

In my opinion, it isn't really a time or speed issue. When we Aspies

appear to be slow, it's because we always have to find a logical way

forward. When we reach an unclear decision point, we don't just skip over

it by guessing the answer like NTs do, we have to delve into our memory

bank of knowledge and experience and put all that together, weighting the

nearest examples we can come up with to the present dilemma so as to solve

the dilemma based on logic.

Yes, sometimes this slows the process down compared to doing it by rough

guesswork, but on the other hand we win over the too quick guessers who get

it wrong and waste a lot more time when they shoot off down the wrong road.

In summary, I'd say it's a question of treading carefully to avoid falling

down holes.

(just arrived back in Thailand but without proper internet access yet)

--- RE: Re: Questions

Date: Sat, 10 Dec 2011 13:53:49 -0800

Reply-To: aspires-relationships

To: <aspires-relationships >

Deb: Bill your email described some things I have seen with my husband.

We often joke that his internal chronometer is malfunctioning, because he

seems to not relate to time in an even manner. That slow, slow, quick,

quick, type thinking you described fits him perfectly. And same with the

fact that sometimes the slow meant years, or even decades or more, then BAM!

It does seem that for it is based on how much information he has to

base his decision on. Sometimes he almost looks like he has stalled but that

is because I think he is gathering enough information and processing it

before he has sufficient data and can proceed. Much like you describe your

process of coming to your AS diagnosis.

I guess we still don't the whys for it but it's interesting to hear other

people describing similar circumstances and weighing in on the possible

reasons.

Cheers,

Deb

------------------------------------

" We each have our own way of living in the world, together we

are like a symphony.

Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends

together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.

We all contribute to the song of life. "

...Sondra

We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.

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[Guest guest]

I'll come back to my argument earlier regarding the connection

between the reasoning and subconscious parts of the brain. As

someone else on here has since described as intuitive thinking and

reasoning. I can think, make complex decisions and act very

quickly if armed with information that can be reasoned through

logically. I am useless at making decisions based on intuition or

feel.

This might already be obvious to enlightened souls, but

researchers are discovering that meditation may permanently

change the physical structure of the brain. Neural circuits

linked to focus, happiness and empathy may be strengthened

through long-term meditation, effectively rewiring the brain and

“lighting up” certain sections with a life-long capability for

stronger activity in those regions, scans have indicated.

Papenfuss, Newser 

staff, “Om

My! Meditation Changes Brain Structure.” Oct 27, 2010.

I have experienced that personally. I am not the same person as

I was a couple of years ago.

This is the basic technique which I developed:

http://echoing.neurelitism.com

---

Mark A. , Ph.D., sociologist

29 domains: http://markfoster.net

Two books: http://bahaifaith.info

Clinical: http://fosterservices.com

[Guest guest]

Hi Mark

Many thanks for your very enlightening paper. Meditation is totally new to me.

I'm not sure how I will be able to make a start at this. My AS mind constantly

wizzes around to such an extent that if I can force myself to relax I will fall

to sleep in seconds. I note that your paper does mention having thoughts while

meditating.

I am a little sceptical but I'll give it a go.

Thanks

Steve

> >

> > I'll come back to my argument earlier regarding the connection between

> > the reasoning and subconscious parts of the brain. As someone else on

> > here has since described as intuitive thinking and reasoning. I can

> > think, make complex decisions and act very quickly if armed with

> > information that can be reasoned through logically. I am useless at

> > making decisions based on intuition or feel.

>

> This might already be obvious to enlightened souls, but researchers are

> discovering that meditation may permanently change the physical

> structure of the brain. Neural circuits linked to focus, happiness and

> empathy may be strengthened through long-term meditation, effectively

> rewiring the brain and " lighting up " certain sections with a life-long

> capability for stronger activity in those regions, scans have indicated.

> Papenfuss

>

<http://www.amazon.com/Climb-Against-Odds-Celebrating-Survival/dp/0811834816/>,

> Newser <http://www.newser.com/> staff, " Om My! Meditation Changes Brain

> Structure

>

<http://www.newser.com/story/103900/om-my-meditation-changes-brain-structure.htm\

l>. "

> Oct 27, 2010.

>

> I have experienced that personally. I am not the same person as I was a

> couple of years ago.

>

> This is the basic technique which I developed:

>

> http://echoing.neurelitism.com

> ---

> Mark A. , Ph.D., sociologist

> 29 domains: http://markfoster.net

> Two books: http://bahaifaith.info

> Clinical: http://fosterservices.com

>