Re: Re: I'm gonna try

[Guest guest]

Can you know that?

Vivian

Re: I'm gonna try

Hi Jan,

I've read A Child Called It by Dave Pelzer, so I have a glimpse of the

abuse you may have gone through and know how courageous it must have

been for you to do the work here that you posted. I believe that

you'll be able to reach the level of peace that Dave did, and maybe

even a greater level than he has.

>

> i've read a boy named it, the lost years, and a man called dave. it

> was a story of horrendous child abuse.

>

> i so identified with it. i've never personally met anyone who has a

> family more dysfunctional than mine.

>

> i'm embarrassed by disclosing this stuff - i've shut the door on it

> thinking that would work but it hasn't.

>

> i'm ready to face if but so scared that i will fail again to resolve

> these issues.

>

> i've immersed myself in katies' work and everything she deals with is

> so much more light-weight than the issues i'm confronting...so i don't

> have a model for working with huge multi-layered issues. here goes -

>

> THE WORK

> I am angry at my mother for being so cruel.

> Is this true? Yes, I thought she should be loving.

> What is the reality of it? My sisters did not survive our family.

> I can go on and on with evidence...

>

> How do I react when I think that thought?

> I want my mother to love me - but I don't think she is capable.

> I feel trapped, sad and abandoned. I feel like God gave me a raw

> deal. I feel like I'm a nice person and what did i do to be punished

> like this. It makes me physically ill to think about her so i've just

> abandoned her.

>

> What do I get for holding on to this belief?

> When I hold on the the belief that mother's shouldn't be so cruel, -

> when i make her it, i feel like my responsibility in the relationship

> is as an innocent victim and she is the villian. that works for me

> after all i was little.

>

> How do I treat myself and her when I believe that thought? I treat

> myself wonderfully and become a parent to myself - i ignore my mother

> or i end up yelling at her trying for her to hear my story - she

> doesn't care and never has...

>

> Who would you be without this thought?

> I actually don't know. I can't imagine being with her or even on the

> phone with her for more than 10 mintues without *the thought* as she

> treats me horribly all over again. I'm fearful that if i buy into

> this stuff i'll just become a doormat...

>

> Turn arounds-My mother is not cruel - oh please.

> I should not be cruel. Okay I can go there.

> i honestly don't know how to be in relationship with her.

> I just reread this - it's so ugly first attempt - more later thanks

> for the invitation to do this - public accountability is scary but a

> good thing i think....jan

>