Re: Re: Support Group question for Aspie Men please!

[Guest guest]

It's an odd statement, but from someone who as been there...it happens.

I left because I figured I'd kill someone, either myself or my husband

and I really didn't care which. Fortunately, I had enough sense to

realise that my thinking had got very strange and it was time to get

out.

In the end it was the house, (my house, that I owned when we were

married) smelling of cat pee, that did me in. And the mortgage not

being paid, and my husband not looking for work, and him allowing our

daughter to do things that he knew I had forbidden (Overnight stays at

a boy's house, with alcohol)

I just figured that if I was going to lose everything that was

important to me - husband, house and family so why not kill myself?

As I said, I was lucky and got out, and the ex and I actually went on

a date on the weekend. But it's taken years to get here, and it still

has moments.

Quoting " Mark A. " :

>

>> I live with a husband who has aspergers and I have for the past 15

>> years, I was happy go lucky once, now I just want to die !

>

> IMO, that is an odd statement to make on a list with many Asperger's

> Autistics on it. If your husband makes you " want to die, " then why not

> simply get a divorce?

>

> Surely, however difficult getting a divorce might be, it could not

> compare with wanting to die. I am, of course, assuming that your comment

> was serious.

> ---

> Mark A. , Ph.D., sociologist

> 29 domains: http://markfoster.net

> Two books: http://bahaifaith.info

> Clinical: http://fosterservices.com

>

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[Guest guest]

Thank you for Sharing your story with me , I don't think anyone but people who are there or have been there can possibly know how this all feels , your Sharing with me and has made me feel less alone , I just still don't know to find me again, the me before he entered my world the me before.Sent from my iPhone

It's an odd statement, but from someone who as been there...it happens.

I left because I figured I'd kill someone, either myself or my husband

and I really didn't care which. Fortunately, I had enough sense to

realise that my thinking had got very strange and it was time to get

out.

In the end it was the house, (my house, that I owned when we were

married) smelling of cat pee, that did me in. And the mortgage not

being paid, and my husband not looking for work, and him allowing our

daughter to do things that he knew I had forbidden (Overnight stays at

a boy's house, with alcohol)

I just figured that if I was going to lose everything that was

important to me - husband, house and family so why not kill myself?

As I said, I was lucky and got out, and the ex and I actually went on

a date on the weekend. But it's taken years to get here, and it still

has moments.

Quoting "Mark A. " :

>

>> I live with a husband who has aspergers and I have for the past 15

>> years, I was happy go lucky once, now I just want to die !

>

> IMO, that is an odd statement to make on a list with many Asperger's

> Autistics on it. If your husband makes you "want to die," then why not

> simply get a divorce?

>

> Surely, however difficult getting a divorce might be, it could not

> compare with wanting to die. I am, of course, assuming that your comment

> was serious.

> ---

> Mark A. , Ph.D., sociologist

> 29 domains: http://markfoster.net

> Two books: http://bahaifaith.info

> Clinical: http://fosterservices.com

>

----------------------------------------------------------

This message was sent using IMP, the Internet Messaging Program.

[Guest guest]

Deb wrote:

> But I have noticed since I have been on Aspires that I would be able to

> tell the gender or the posters with no trouble at all, and that it is

> even easier if the people in question as Aspies. I am not eloquent

> enough to explain the difference but it is very apparent, or at least it

> is to me.

I can usually tell the difference too, even if the person doesn't sign

their name to their post.

Generally speaking, the differences seem to concern perspective-taking

and other theory-of-mind issues.

However, occasionally I do get surprised.

Some Aspie men have come a long way in developing these skills. Several

of those men are right here on ASPIRES.

While some Aspie women exhibit the more stereotypical aspects of the

" extreme male brain " sort of Aspie. [i encounter these ladies in groups

other than ASPIRES.]

> It is because of these differences that sometimes it might easier for

> same sex groups to communicate more easily, bond better, and possibly

> run more smoothly. Or at least in theory.

In my experience, it doesn't seem to work any better than it does for NTs.

Like NTs, all Aspies are different. And because of that, we don't

relate any better to each other as a group (same sex or not) than do NTs

among their own kind.

Any person who has difficulty (especially great difficulty) with

perspective-taking and theory-of-mind issues is probably going to have a

hard time communicating, bonding, and being part of a group wherever

they go.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

LeesaI don't if I had Cassandra syndrome, but maybe, but I think what your feeling is normal and typical in this type of marriage.

I live with a husband who has aspergers and I have for the past 15 years, I was happy go lucky once, now I just want to die ! The feel is so deep that it scares me ! That's all thank u for lettingMe get that off my chest xxxSent from my iPhone

Thanks for your input .It's a social casual group not so much a support group facilitated by a professional. I thought that was mentioned if not, my bad.Im not sure if you have had the experience of an aspie social group that is mixed with men and women but, My hubby went to a mixed social group of aspies and it was difficult for him because it was mostly women who dominated the conversation. It took me a long time after that to get him out of a depression because he was convinced that he didn't have aspergers after that meeting because he didn't feel like he had anything in common with the women and he said that " if that's what aspergers is then i dont have it." It took a while for him to see that female aspie snd male are are different, not that one is better than the other but that symptoms are very different as you see in little girl aspies and little boy aspies. But I appreciate your insight. There are no support groups around my area too and this social meeting turned out to be a scam so I was very distraught. I long for support for my husband and myself. But I do agree from experience, that men and women are quite different just as aspie men and aspie women are quite different that sometimes it may not be beneficial to mix the the two groups, only speaking from personal experience. I guess that would be hard for me to explain but I think you would understand if you ever get the chance to go to a mixed social group of aspies which I hope one day you do.It's also the reason why I joined aspires. There are many online support groups for adults with aspergers including Facebook groups but I chose this one in particular because it was a site dedicated to spouses of aspie's and the aspie partners because everyone on here would understand my situation and my hubby's, which is something we haven't had for a very long time. Also because my dear friend suggested it to me.

** = my comments....

>

Trying to

> segregate the sexes would imply running two groups which would make it

> doubly hard to set them up and run them.

** I agree totally. Why the need for a group for Aspie men and one for Aspie women? Doesn'tand make any sense to me. It's bad enough of the marginlization that goes on by society against people who have AS or HFA to suggest that there needs to be a group for Aspie men and one for Aspie woman. Makes no sense to me, and I don't understand the logic at all behind segregating the sexes. If an organization wants to have a men's breakfast or something along those lines, great. A men's breakfast includes men from all walks of life who come together in fellowship, regardless of anything else.

> For those of us who don't live anywhere near any support groups,

> another most important aspect to this, as far as I can see, is that

> there should be an on-line element to the proceedings. Anyone who is

> unable to attend in person should be given an option for virtual attendance.

** On-line would be about the only source of help for individuals who live far from a local support group, be it Greater Chattanooga Aspies or another support group. I am thankful to give adults with AS/HFA an opportunity to meet other like-minded adults in a setting that provides support opportunities.

P.S. Segregating the groups? Big mistake.

[Guest guest]

I hate this normal 15 years of it makes me feel far from normal, I feel alone Sent from my iPhone

LeesaI don't if I had Cassandra syndrome, but maybe, but I think what your feeling is normal and typical in this type of marriage.

I live with a husband who has aspergers and I have for the past 15 years, I was happy go lucky once, now I just want to die ! The feel is so deep that it scares me ! That's all thank u for lettingMe get that off my chest xxxSent from my iPhone

Thanks for your input .It's a social casual group not so much a support group facilitated by a professional. I thought that was mentioned if not, my bad.Im not sure if you have had the experience of an aspie social group that is mixed with men and women but, My hubby went to a mixed social group of aspies and it was difficult for him because it was mostly women who dominated the conversation. It took me a long time after that to get him out of a depression because he was convinced that he didn't have aspergers after that meeting because he didn't feel like he had anything in common with the women and he said that " if that's what aspergers is then i dont have it." It took a while for him to see that female aspie snd male are are different, not that one is better than the other but that symptoms are very different as you see in little girl aspies and little boy aspies. But I appreciate your insight. There are no support groups around my area too and this social meeting turned out to be a scam so I was very distraught. I long for support for my husband and myself. But I do agree from experience, that men and women are quite different just as aspie men and aspie women are quite different that sometimes it may not be beneficial to mix the the two groups, only speaking from personal experience. I guess that would be hard for me to explain but I think you would understand if you ever get the chance to go to a mixed social group of aspies which I hope one day you do.It's also the reason why I joined aspires. There are many online support groups for adults with aspergers including Facebook groups but I chose this one in particular because it was a site dedicated to spouses of aspie's and the aspie partners because everyone on here would understand my situation and my hubby's, which is something we haven't had for a very long time. Also because my dear friend suggested it to me.

** = my comments....

>

Trying to

> segregate the sexes would imply running two groups which would make it

> doubly hard to set them up and run them.

** I agree totally. Why the need for a group for Aspie men and one for Aspie women? Doesn'tand make any sense to me. It's bad enough of the marginlization that goes on by society against people who have AS or HFA to suggest that there needs to be a group for Aspie men and one for Aspie woman. Makes no sense to me, and I don't understand the logic at all behind segregating the sexes. If an organization wants to have a men's breakfast or something along those lines, great. A men's breakfast includes men from all walks of life who come together in fellowship, regardless of anything else.

> For those of us who don't live anywhere near any support groups,

> another most important aspect to this, as far as I can see, is that

> there should be an on-line element to the proceedings. Anyone who is

> unable to attend in person should be given an option for virtual attendance.

** On-line would be about the only source of help for individuals who live far from a local support group, be it Greater Chattanooga Aspies or another support group. I am thankful to give adults with AS/HFA an opportunity to meet other like-minded adults in a setting that provides support opportunities.

P.S. Segregating the groups? Big mistake.

[Guest guest]

Deb, I get what you're saying. I don't know why but personally I can be in a support group with other NT male spouses of aspie women, but for some reason hubby(aspie) couldn't get rid of the anxiety with other aspie women. I hate gender biases and am pro feminist perspectives. But when it comes to my hubby and his mental health, then it goes out the window, and I just want to do anything to support him and relieve his anxiety.That is very true, I see the cognitive differences. I can relate with other NT male spouses but hubby just can't relate as much to other aspie women. Wish I could explain why, but he doesn't really know how to explain it to me :)I really like how you put things into perspective.

I hope no one take offense this is just my opinion and I’m not an Aspie so I really can’t speak for their/your needs/wants, but…From my observation of life and my husband (diagnosed) and my daughter (undiagnosed) I would say this. When people have house parties the following is very common; the men go off to one room to talk about their interests, and the women to another to talk about theirs. This happens for a couple of reasons that I can think of. 1) they usually have different interests and life events to talk about, 2) they think differently and it is easier to talk to someone who understands you than it is to try to explain something that the other person has no understanding of, 3) they may want to complain about their spouses to a peer group that will understand and support them. Now when I think about my husband and my daughter I see greater differences between the ways they think than I am used to seeing between and NT woman and an NT man. Now granted this isn’t a large sampling. J But I have noticed since I have been on Aspires that I would be able to tell the gender or the posters with no trouble at all, and that it is even easier if the people in question as Aspies. I am not eloquent enough to explain the difference but it is very apparent, or at least it is to me. It is because of these differences that sometimes it might easier for same sex groups to communicate more easily, bond better, and possibly run more smoothly. Or at least in theory. Don’t get me wrong, I have lobbied very hard in my day for mixed groups in other forums but in my old age I am either getting soft or I’m starting to see the reason why at least for some people they feel more comfortable opening up in groups that are of their own gender only. My $0.015Cheers,Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of gcaspiesinchattSent: December-06-11 8:17 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Support Group question for Aspie Men please! ** = my comments....>Trying to > segregate the sexes would imply running two groups which would make it > doubly hard to set them up and run them.** I agree totally. Why the need for a group for Aspie men and one for Aspie women? Doesn't make any sense to me. It's bad enough of the marginlization that goes on by society against people who have AS or HFA to suggest that there needs to be a group for Aspie men and one for Aspie woman. Makes no sense to me, and I don't understand the logic at all behind segregating the sexes. If an organization wants to have a men's breakfast or something along those lines, great. A men's breakfast includes men from all walks of life who come together in fellowship, regardless of anything else. > For those of us who don't live anywhere near any support groups, > another most important aspect to this, as far as I can see, is that > there should be an on-line element to the proceedings. Anyone who is > unable to attend in person should be given an option for virtual attendance.** On-line would be about the only source of help for individuals who live far from a local support group, be it Greater Chattanooga Aspies or another support group. I am thankful to give adults with AS/HFA an opportunity to meet other like-minded adults in a setting that provides support opportunities.P.S. Segregating the groups? Big mistake.