Guest guest Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 Hi Leesa, If you are in Sydney there is a group there called ASPIA, http://www.aspia.org.au/ for partners. I've heard excellent things about it. It sounds to me though, as though you need some help straight away. How can we help? A start might be to see your GP and tell them how you are feeling. Hugs from in Melbourne Quoting Leesa : > I have seen him speak at our local club , when my son was diagnosed > and then the second son was and the. I registered my husband has it > and I have slowly felt I was drowing and there's no one who > understands , my family don't believe in aspergers let alone > Cassandra syndrome so no support there and I just have felt so alone > now that I think it is literally draining the life from me, thank > you but I think tony is alot of my reach > > Sent from my iPhone > > > >> You might try Tony Attwood @ tony@... He is in >> your area and also sits on the board of FAAAS who helped coin the >> phrase Cassandra syndrome or who has the FAAAS suport group @ >> faaas@... >> >> May the force be with you. >> >> Best regards. >> >> >> > ---------------------------------------------------------------- This message was sent using IMP, the Internet Messaging Program. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 To know I am not alone helps alot :)For years I have been dismissed, but tried to carry on for the kids, I already had two and we have since together had four more, I have Been the provider the career the one with total responsibility on me, he is vague , I don't exist beyond the tv , his kids don't exist beyond the tv, he has nowhere to go and no family and not do I, so here I feel stuck alone and all the pressure on me, maybe its the doing it alone for so long yet having an adult around killing me , maybe it's the pressure of it all , maybe it's the babies and dealing with the two of them completely alone since their births one is 1 and the other is 2 or maybe it's envy that my sister has a partner who acknowledges her while I don't even get a Xmas gift at Xmas times cause its notSomething he thinks of , I feel so alone soo soo alone and unloved !I don't know if anyone can help me , I feel the only peace I will have isn't here Sent from my iPhone  Leesa: How can WE be of service? I was married to a self-dx spouse for over 20 years and felt Cassandra was my middle name for a while. We have been divorced for five years and I recently had to move back due to economics. I get it and believe Cassandra can be a real syndrome in some of our relationships. What is going on in your relationship right now to make you feel this way? Cyber hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 Thank you , I will look into Aspia, I know I need help and fast and I am not even in denial or think I can control this anore cause somewhere somehow I have lost control and never thought this would happen to me, I thought I was stronger than this :(Sent from my iPhone Hi Leesa, If you are in Sydney there is a group there called ASPIA, http://www.aspia.org.au/ for partners. I've heard excellent things about it. It sounds to me though, as though you need some help straight away. How can we help? A start might be to see your GP and tell them how you are feeling. Hugs from in Melbourne Quoting Leesa : > I have seen him speak at our local club , when my son was diagnosed > and then the second son was and the. I registered my husband has it > and I have slowly felt I was drowing and there's no one who > understands , my family don't believe in aspergers let alone > Cassandra syndrome so no support there and I just have felt so alone > now that I think it is literally draining the life from me, thank > you but I think tony is alot of my reach > > Sent from my iPhone > > > >> You might try Tony Attwood @ tony@... He is in >> your area and also sits on the board of FAAAS who helped coin the >> phrase Cassandra syndrome or who has the FAAAS suport group @ >> faaas@... >> >> May the force be with you. >> >> Best regards. >> >> >> > ---------------------------------------------------------- This message was sent using IMP, the Internet Messaging Program. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 LeesaTry the Asperger marriage books, a lot of them are avail online from the library for free as long as you have a library account. they really helped me with techniques. also the advice and tips from other NT wives has helped. All I know is emails, texts, and writing lists works well with the aspie husband. for ex: email grocery lists ahead of time so no surprise or dent in their pre-planned schedule. or text him when you want him to turn off the light in the room downstairs with a timeframe and specific details. I have seen him speak at our local club , when my son was diagnosed and then the second son was and the. I registered my husband has it and I have slowly felt I was drowing and there's no one who understands , my family don't believe in aspergers let alone Cassandra syndrome so no support there and I just have felt so alone now that I think it is literally draining the life from me, thank you but I think tony is alot of my reach :(Sent from my iPhone You might try Tony Attwood @ tony@... He is in your area and also sits on the board of FAAAS who helped coin the phrase Cassandra syndrome or who has the FAAAS suport group @ faaas@... May the force be with you. Best regards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 Oh Debbie your story brought tears to my eyes and your kind words, we really are so much alike, if you can do it , I must be able to somehow , I just need to know how ! Between the children and the two boys having aspergers and cause of it issues at school , and the two babies I don't have much time to clean the house and think of helping myself and Xmas is coming up again and yet again no gift will be there for my unless I buy and wrap one :(I loved hearing from you Deb and many of the other people here, why didn't I start talking on here years ago ?? Glad I'm here now xxxxxSent from my iPhone Leesa, I had 3 kids and I can’t even imagine what 6 would be like. You are super woman in my eyes. I can relate to your story very well. I did everything for the house, the kids, the finances, worked a high stress full-time job and never received any acknowledgment nor gifts I did not buy and wrap for myself. My birthday became the most miserable day of the year and I cried every Christmas that there was nothing in my stocking that I didn’t put there myself in spite of me begging for it every year. I often sat beside my husband during our silent (because no talking was allowed while he was driving) 2 hour car ride home after work crying right beside him but he never noticed. At my worst I felt completely unlovable, as though there was nothing left of me and I had nothing left to offer the world. But I’m still here and I’m happy so I believe that you can be too. It’s going to take work and it will be a daily struggle for a long time to fight your way back but if you have the strength to deal with what you have so far, you have the strength to regain yourself! I know you must feel exhausted and I’m sure you don’t feel like you have any strength left, But I believe you can do it. Just by the fact that you reached out to us you have taken the first step and now you just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other until you have walked out of this pit of despair. Sending you strength!Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of LeesaSent: December-07-11 5:33 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa Thank you so much , actually I am so greatful to everyone today, I added myself to this group wow 2 years ago almost 3 and just read and never spoke, but lately it's gettin more and more difficult to hold it in , I have always tried to be understanding to his AS and to the fact our two sons 9 and 11 have it but with 6 kids 2 of which of babies 1 and 2 and me doing everything on my own bills, finances and looking after babies and cooking cleanin( when I can) its all too much for one person, he locks into the tv and doesn't even hear his kids call his name he doesn't notice when I am crying , I've never been acknowledged birthdays Xmas anniversaries I am nothing special to him, I already have no family but my children ,I don't have an adult someone / partner who loves me enough to care of these things or even our kids, I feel so alone ! But today people here have been soooo overwhelmingly wonderful , I used to have friends till I got involved with my husband now I have no one notIn the real world & that hurts cause I used to be a very happy go lucky person smiling and bubbly and energetic and now I am a blimp who is alone and pitiful !Sent from my iPhone> Leesa --> > First, welcome to Aspires. We do understand here, and try to be supportive and understanding. If you have any specific incidents you need to share/vent, this is the place to do it.> > Another good thing to do here is ask questions … we have male and female Aspies, some who have learned to be very understanding, and female NTs who have learned to make their marriages work well. I don't remember if we have any NT husbands, though.> > It does sound like you need some support from someone who understands. Do contact Tony Atwood … he may not be out of your reach. Many "famous in their field" people are easily reachable and charge standard rates.> > Or he might point you to a local support group. Also good for that would be the closest Asperger's center. Most of them have support for NT family members. My local center has a support group for women divorcing AS men … the timing doesn't work for me.> > And stick around here … sometimes we can seem clueless and a little harsh, but we are all trying to understand our brains and together we make the world better for all of us.> > --Liz> AS woman divorcing AS man> > > > >> >> >> I have seen him speak at our local club , when my son was diagnosed and then the second son was and the. I registered my husband has it and I have slowly felt I was drowing and there's no one who understands , my family don't believe in aspergers let alone Cassandra syndrome so no support there and I just have felt so alone now that I think it is literally draining the life from me, thank you but I think tony is alot of my reach >> >> Sent from my iPhone>> >> >> >>> >>> You might try Tony Attwood @ tony@... He is in your area and also sits on the board of FAAAS who helped coin the phrase Cassandra syndrome or who has the FAAAS suport group @faaas@...>>> >>> May the force be with you.>>> >>> Best regards.>>> >>> >>> >> >> >> > > ----------> Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559> Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 > > Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.com> > Gifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters> > > > ------------------------------------> > "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.> Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony > It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.> We all contribute to the song of life."> ...Sondra > > We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.> > ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.> Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.> Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.> When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:> http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm> ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER> http://www.aspires-relationships.com> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 That would be amazing if you could send her email to me, I honestly till yesterday before I had my outburst on this site, felt so alone and now I am seeing soooo much of my life in everyones words, I am so greatful to everyone for sharing their stories with me cause I know every story that's been told so far ohhh so well, even the ones we should feel ashamed of, I know this too cause its all my life being told in everyone's stories :(Sent from my iPhone Sorry Leesa I guess that's why I understand the book alone in a marriage. The turning point in our relationship was when I started to accept him and asperger's but accept as in "I wanted to hurt him" physically and emotionally, more than he ever hurt me. I don't think he ever saw the look of rage in my eyes ever in our relationship until that one day. I think he knew this is it, she's gonna do something to hurt herself or she's going to run away. I was ready to just buy a plane ticket and leave and he knew it. It was my nervous breakdown, I couldn't stop screaming and I made no sense, talking to myself and I just wouldn't look at him. the sight of him and sound of him made me sick. I feel so guilty talking about it now but I was mentally broken down.He will never change but the fact that he tried do something for me because he knew if he didn't it was over. so he sought a diagnosis, to me that was the most romantic thing he could ever do for me. I won't get the romantic gestures that I give him but the fact that he could do that was enough at that point, I guess. Then he baked brownies, it was very odd timing considering I was having a nervous breakdown but it made me laugh rather than get angry I guess. But what i noticed is that the more I try with my communication with him on his terms, the more he does too. He does little things which may seem small to others like my family but I know it's huge for him and I keep holding on to his efforts. Have you ever tried reading an Asperger marriage book with him? My hubby won't read aloud to me but he likes it when I read to him. But I think that by him reading it and reading posts and listening to another wife, it put things into perspective for him cause he would ask "did I do that to you?" He actually became aware of some things he did to me when I spent years trying to explain them to him, he never got it, but he got it when he read the book and listened to another wife. I hope you are able to talk to someone esp. a therapist who has experience with an NT wife, I can't afford one but I wish I could see one. There's a doctor in Australia that is doing research on Asperger wives and I think it was the affecctive disorder, and I've only emailed because I was interested in being a participant, but her emails have also helped feel validated as a person and I didn't feel as alone.I will post her email address if you like? To know I am not alone helps alot :)For years I have been dismissed, but tried to carry on for the kids, I already had two and we have since together had four more, I have Been the provider the career the one with total responsibility on me, he is vague , I don't exist beyond the tv , his kids don't exist beyond the tv, he has nowhere to go and no family and not do I, so here I feel stuck alone and all the pressure on me, maybe its the doing it alone for so long yet having an adult around killing me , maybe it's the pressure of it all , maybe it's the babies and dealing with the two of them completely alone since their births one is 1 and the other is 2 or maybe it's envy that my sister has a partner who acknowledges her while I don't even get a Xmas gift at Xmas times cause its notSomething he thinks of , I feel so alone soo soo alone and unloved !I don't know if anyone can help me , I feel the only peace I will have isn't here Sent from my iPhone  Leesa: How can WE be of service? I was married to a self-dx spouse for over 20 years and felt Cassandra was my middle name for a while. We have been divorced for five years and I recently had to move back due to economics. I get it and believe Cassandra can be a real syndrome in some of our relationships. What is going on in your relationship right now to make you feel this way? Cyber hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 7, 2011 Report Share Posted December 7, 2011 All very fair questions, I am not on good money I live in a government house , I had two children before I had met him, my son is 22 and daughter is 18 they help me make it financially through the weeks, I had to stop working as I had the two toddlers,I get paid as a career for the other two for their aspergers this is how I make it through, my eldest kids and my careers payment and gov ( cheaper rent ) I would be lost if I didn't have these !! I always wanted alot of children the first two in this relationship were I guess the start and I made excuses then 8 years later I almost 40 wanted one more before my time was up, my AS husband is five years under me in age and I was in a bit of a rush to finish my " family " so I had another and only 3 months later I was preg again with another, I have since taken care of this so it doesn't happen again, but I buy in bulk cook in bulk keep clothes in storage funny enough I have my 2 year old wearing my 22 year olds clothes from when he was that age, thankfully I keep things to re-use or I do believe I would have more on my plate than I do now and I feel over whelmed enough as it is !What keeps me here, statistics ! I already had my first son with one man whom I left for his alcohol abuse, I then left my daughters father for his drug abuse, I don't drink and I don't do drugs never have, I spent 2 years with my sons father I was 15-17 an then I spent from 18-25 with my daughters dad thinking I could get him off drugs and 6months after that relationship I started dating my friend " now husband" I didn't realize a relationship would be so different , I am almost 40 and have lived in misery from about the 2nd year while I was preg, things started to show that were really abnormal, he slept over at his ex's house in her bed while I was preg and thought nothing of it, then other things happened that just killed my soul, I just wanted so badly to make it work and now realize I can't I will be that statistic with 6 kids 3 different fathers:(Sent from my iPhone I have to ask, has he always been this way with you and the kids? If he was the same way with your first child, why did you continue to keep having children with him? I’m not asking to be mean, people tend to take me the wrong way. It just seems highly illogical to me. I mean, look at the facts. You’re working and paying all the bills, which means you make decent money. I imagine feeding a family that size gets expensive. Which means you’re obviously financially stable. You’re already doing it all on your own. You said the cooking, cleaning and child-rearing is all on you too. Why do you even need him? What is keeping you there? This is my .02 on AS/NT relationships. Both sides require concessions and sacrifices. For example, over the years (I have been married to an NT for 14 years) I have learned that I have to force myself to make time for him. Would I rather be left alone and get lost in a video game than watch a movie I have no interest in watching and listen to his day at work… honestly, yes. I may not feel the need for emotional bonding that he does on a constant basis, but I’ve learned to get other benefits from making him happy. I’ve learned that we have a system of exchange. When I make him happy, he makes me happy. When I give a little emotional bonding time, I usually get a fair amount of alone time in return. And when he gives me the space I need, I am much happier and work harder to be a better partner to him. I think the hardest thing for my husband has been accepting that there are some thing I can’t change. I can change behaviors, but I can’t make feelings appear that aren’t there. Like I said, give a little get a little. He has had to learn to accept that I am what I am. I have many good qualities. I’m sure your husband has some too. I’m like crab legs. I’m a lot of work and what you get in return after all that work seems small. But it’s worth it because what you do get is pure and total awesomeness. Anyway, just my thoughts. From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of LeesaSent: Wednesday, December 07, 2011 8:33 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa Thank you so much , actually I am so greatful to everyone today, I added myself to this group wow 2 years ago almost 3 and just read and never spoke, but lately it's gettin more and more difficult to hold it in , I have always tried to be understanding to his AS and to the fact our two sons 9 and 11 have it but with 6 kids 2 of which of babies 1 and 2 and me doing everything on my own bills, finances and looking after babies and cooking cleanin( when I can) its all too much for one person, he locks into the tv and doesn't even hear his kids call his name he doesn't notice when I am crying , I've never been acknowledged birthdays Xmas anniversaries I am nothing special to him, I already have no family but my children ,I don't have an adult someone / partner who loves me enough to care of these things or even our kids, I feel so alone ! But today people here have been soooo overwhelmingly wonderful , I used to have friends till I got involved with my husband now I have no one notIn the real world & that hurts cause I used to be a very happy go lucky person smiling and bubbly and energetic and now I am a blimp who is alone and pitiful !Sent from my iPhone> Leesa --> > First, welcome to Aspires. We do understand here, and try to be supportive and understanding. If you have any specific incidents you need to share/vent, this is the place to do it.> > Another good thing to do here is ask questions … we have male and female Aspies, some who have learned to be very understanding, and female NTs who have learned to make their marriages work well. I don't remember if we have any NT husbands, though.> > It does sound like you need some support from someone who understands. Do contact Tony Atwood … he may not be out of your reach. Many "famous in their field" people are easily reachable and charge standard rates.> > Or he might point you to a local support group. Also good for that would be the closest Asperger's center. Most of them have support for NT family members. My local center has a support group for women divorcing AS men … the timing doesn't work for me.> > And stick around here … sometimes we can seem clueless and a little harsh, but we are all trying to understand our brains and together we make the world better for all of us.> > --Liz> AS woman divorcing AS man> > > > >> >> >> I have seen him speak at our local club , when my son was diagnosed and then the second son was and the. I registered my husband has it and I have slowly felt I was drowing and there's no one who understands , my family don't believe in aspergers let alone Cassandra syndrome so no support there and I just have felt so alone now that I think it is literally draining the life from me, thank you but I think tony is alot of my reach >> >> Sent from my iPhone>> >> >> >>> >>> You might try Tony Attwood @ tony@... He is in your area and also sits on the board of FAAAS who helped coin the phrase Cassandra syndrome or who has the FAAAS suport group @faaas@...>>> >>> May the force be with you.>>> >>> Best regards.>>> >>> >>> >> >> >> > > ----------> Cartesian Bear at Zazzle: Shirts and Gifts: http://www.zazzle.com/cartesianbear?rf=238831668488066559> Zazzle Coupons: http://www.zazzle.com/coupons?rf=238831668488066559 > > Knit Suite: Mobile Apps for Knitters http://knitsuite.polymathsolution.com> > Gifts for Knitters: http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-knitters> > > > ------------------------------------> > "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.> Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony > It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.> We all contribute to the song of life."> ...Sondra > > We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.> > ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.> Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.> Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.> When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:> http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm> ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER> http://www.aspires-relationships.com> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 This is just my 2 cents worth but my husband has said to me when I have repeatedly bugged him to be social with his family, that he only has the emotional energy to deal with one relationship and the one he wants to spend that capital on is ours. He is quite sad that this means he doesn’t even feel that he has a real relationship with our 3 grown children either. I’m pointing this out just so that you know that it may not always be the case that your son pulls away because his relationships are abusive, but because he can only handle relationships one at a time. Cheers,Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of Judi von GaiaSent: December-10-11 9:18 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa I have found this string of posts to be very interesting. My son is undiagnosed AS and is 21 years old. He refuses to look at the possibility that he has AS. He has had two relationships and both have been verbally and emotionally abusive. The second was even worse than the first. I am now a special education teacher and I feel that it would be very beneficial for him to get diagnosed. We tried throughout his life to find out why he had so much difficulty in school in spite of how smart he was. No one suspected he had AS until he was almost out of high school. Trying to figure out what was going on with him made him feel he was broken. I feel if he can understand the challenges he has, perhaps he can get the kind of support that he needs from others, and maybe he can find someone that is not abusive. I do not believe that his AS causes people to abuse him, but I do wonder if some of the incidences could have been mitigated had they understood his condition. These two women also have been young, so maturity on their part had also not happened. I know my son is difficult to deal with, but he makes a tremendous effort to do what he believes is right for these women and puts his needs on hold because he thinks that is what he should do. Unfortunately, he has nothing left for his friends or family. He sooooo wants to have friendships, but when he has these women in his life there is not much room for other relationships, which is a hallmark of an abusive relationship.I am so touched with your desire to make things better with your wife and the need to have her tell you what she needs and how she feels. I see your compassion and empathy, which touches on a previous post awhile back about people with AS having the ability to be empathic. In fact often they are very empathic to the point that it can be overwhelming at times. I believe that is certainly true for my son. Although the ability to be empathic is harder when it is about his behavior, and much easier when he sees injustice in the world. At some point I hope that my son will get diagnosed and embrace the diagnosis because there is so much that is good with AS, but there are also areas that are really challenging, and I believe that only through understanding can those challenges be dealt with. When one person has the understanding (parent or partner) they are the ones making all of the accommodations and it seems that it leaves that person feeling depleted and unfulfilled. Since I have recognized that he has AS, I have dealt with him very differently than when I saw his behavior as being volitional. However, it means every employer, girlfriend etc... has to re-invent the wheel and figure out how to interact with him or work with him. I think if he can have that self knowledge his life will be easier. I see in my career as a special education teacher that the students who have the greatest understanding of their condition or disability have the greatest success, because they own who they are, and they will advocate for themselves.I really appreciate what one person said about she is like crab legs. It might be a lot of work to get into it but when you do there is a treasure. That is definitely my son. He is a real treasure and there are some big challenges in terms of hygiene, work and communication but the person he is inside is a true gem. He tries to communicate and if it is a really tough issue we use written communication and follow up with talking. His integrity though is beyond anything I have ever seen with anyone else. He does not do drugs because he feels there are too many victims in drug smuggling that he does not want to participate in that industry.I do not post often here, but I really appreciate this forum as it gives me some insight into what he might experience as he develops new relationships, and it gives me ideas of how to interact with him better.Judi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 I have to say my husband can only deal with one relationship also he is 35 now but we have been together since he was 19 and his family hate me because they believe I stole their son from them, the actual case is he just doesnt want to make time for them I believe what deb says is the same in my husbands case , he can only deal with one relationship at a time, it makes me uncomfortable that they don't like me when I try so hard to push him to contact them or visit etc, ( they dont know what goes on behind closed doors) but now after years of them saying nasty things to me and about me to other people I have given up trying to make him put the effort in for them and the result of my not " making him " is that he hasn't spoken to or seen them in 8months and we only live 10 mins from their home he hasn't even bothered with their birthdays ( I was always the one who reminded him to call and brought the gifts an cards and had them prepared for him to give them)Maybe just maybe the relationships aren't doing it to your son:) LeesaSent from my iPhone This is just my 2 cents worth but my husband has said to me when I have repeatedly bugged him to be social with his family, that he only has the emotional energy to deal with one relationship and the one he wants to spend that capital on is ours. He is quite sad that this means he doesn’t even feel that he has a real relationship with our 3 grown children either. I’m pointing this out just so that you know that it may not always be the case that your son pulls away because his relationships are abusive, but because he can only handle relationships one at a time. Cheers,Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of Judi von GaiaSent: December-10-11 9:18 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Leesa I have found this string of posts to be very interesting. My son is undiagnosed AS and is 21 years old. He refuses to look at the possibility that he has AS. He has had two relationships and both have been verbally and emotionally abusive. The second was even worse than the first. I am now a special education teacher and I feel that it would be very beneficial for him to get diagnosed. We tried throughout his life to find out why he had so much difficulty in school in spite of how smart he was. No one suspected he had AS until he was almost out of high school. Trying to figure out what was going on with him made him feel he was broken. I feel if he can understand the challenges he has, perhaps he can get the kind of support that he needs from others, and maybe he can find someone that is not abusive. I do not believe that his AS causes people to abuse him, but I do wonder if some of the incidences could have been mitigated had they understood his condition. These two women also have been young, so maturity on their part had also not happened. I know my son is difficult to deal with, but he makes a tremendous effort to do what he believes is right for these women and puts his needs on hold because he thinks that is what he should do. Unfortunately, he has nothing left for his friends or family. He sooooo wants to have friendships, but when he has these women in his life there is not much room for other relationships, which is a hallmark of an abusive relationship.I am so touched with your desire to make things better with your wife and the need to have her tell you what she needs and how she feels. I see your compassion and empathy, which touches on a previous post awhile back about people with AS having the ability to be empathic. In fact often they are very empathic to the point that it can be overwhelming at times. I believe that is certainly true for my son. Although the ability to be empathic is harder when it is about his behavior, and much easier when he sees injustice in the world. At some point I hope that my son will get diagnosed and embrace the diagnosis because there is so much that is good with AS, but there are also areas that are really challenging, and I believe that only through understanding can those challenges be dealt with. When one person has the understanding (parent or partner) they are the ones making all of the accommodations and it seems that it leaves that person feeling depleted and unfulfilled. Since I have recognized that he has AS, I have dealt with him very differently than when I saw his behavior as being volitional. However, it means every employer, girlfriend etc... has to re-invent the wheel and figure out how to interact with him or work with him. I think if he can have that self knowledge his life will be easier. I see in my career as a special education teacher that the students who have the greatest understanding of their condition or disability have the greatest success, because they own who they are, and they will advocate for themselves.I really appreciate what one person said about she is like crab legs. It might be a lot of work to get into it but when you do there is a treasure. That is definitely my son. He is a real treasure and there are some big challenges in terms of hygiene, work and communication but the person he is inside is a true gem. He tries to communicate and if it is a really tough issue we use written communication and follow up with talking. His integrity though is beyond anything I have ever seen with anyone else. He does not do drugs because he feels there are too many victims in drug smuggling that he does not want to participate in that industry.I do not post often here, but I really appreciate this forum as it gives me some insight into what he might experience as he develops new relationships, and it gives me ideas of how to interact with him better.Judi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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