LOST MY WAY

[Guest guest]

THE LAST YEAR HAS BEEN A JOURNEY OF SELF DISCOVERY, I WAS ABLE TO

STILL MY MIND AND LET GO OF THE ACQUIRED MIND, THE CONDITIONED MIND.

I FELT SUCH ABSOLUTE JOY, AT THE DEEP KNOWLEDGE WE ARE ALL SOULS

ENTERTWINED, THAT I LIVED ON AUTOMATIC PILOT, KNOWING WHAT TO DO

EACH MOMENT. I WAS NEVER TRULY ANGRY, WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS PUNCHING

HOLES IN THE WALL AND SCREAMING AT ME, I WAS TOTALLY CALM. WE ENDED

UP SEPERATING THE NIGHT THAT HE CAME HOME REALLY DRUNK AND ANGRY,

AND I WAS REALLY THINKING HE WOULD HARM ME. HE FELT VERY THREATENED

BY MY NEW FOUND PEACE, AND HAD TOLD ME REPEATEDLY THAT I WAS WEAK,

ONLY WEAK PEOPLE NEED THE CRUTCH OF BELIEVING IN A GOD.HE PICKED UP

A CROSS THAT I HAD HUNG ON THE WALL, SMASHED IT, AND WHEN HE DID, HE

CUT OFF THE END OF HIS RING FINGER. HE KEPT RIGHT ON SCREAMING,

NEVER EVEN NOTICED THAT HIS FINGER WAS GONE. I CALLED AN AMBULANCE

AND NEVER EVEN WENT TO THE HOSPITAL WITH HIM. I CRIED AND CLEANED

THE BLOOD OFF THE WALLS, MY DAUGHTERS BIRTHDAY PARTY WAS THE NEXT

DAY. HE CALLED ME LATER, AND SAID " I HOPE YOU ARE PROUD " LIKE I HAD

DONE IT. I DON'T KNOW, I REALLY THOUGHT TO MYSELF " JUSTICE " I GOT

REALLY SICK THE NEXT DAY, RAN A HIGH FEVER, AND TRIED TO DEAL WITH

THE FALLOUT. STILL PRETTY CALM, NERVOUS ABOUT THE BIRTHDAY PARTY.

HIS MOM CALLED LATER AND BLAMED ME TOO, SAID THAT I REALLY UPSET

HIM.I REFUSED TO ACCEPT THE BLAME, HE CAME BACK THAT NIGHT AFTER HE

LEFT THE HOSPITAL, TO YELL AT ME SOME MORE. I WAS STILL DOING PRETTY

WELL. UNTIL I LOST MY JOB, I HAD WORKED FOR HOSPICE FOR 6 YEARS,

AND FELT PROUD OF THE WORK I DID THERE. I FEEL EMBARRASSED AT THE

WAY I LOST MY JOB, AND HAVE LOST MY WAY. I WENT INTO A PERIOD WHERE

I WAS FILLED WITH FEAR, COULD NOT THINK CLEARLY, AND LOST MY MEMORY.

IT WAS SO BAD I COULD BARELY FUNCTION, I WAS SERIOUSLY AFRAID THAT I

WOULD LEAVE MY KID BUCKLED IN HER CARSEAT ON A 105 DEGREE DAY OR

SOMETHING. I TRIED NOT TO LET ANYONE KNOW I HAD LOST IT. ALL I

WANTED WAS PEACE. I READ THAT FRACTURES CAN OCCUR IN THE MIND, A

SPLIT OR RIFT, FROM EXTREME FEAR, GUILT. YOUR SPIRITUAL HOUSE IS

BURNING DOWN. SEEK STILLNESS. I COULDN'T. I TRIED AND TRIED TO

UNDERSTAND WHY THIS HAD HAPPENED.ROUND AND ROUND I WENT IN MY MIND,

QUESTIONING EVERYTHING. THAT DIDN'T HELP. SLOWLY, THE PALL OF FEAR

IS LEAVING, I SEE PEOPLE THAT I USED TO WORK WITH ALL THE TIME.SO.

LIKE IT OR NOT, I HAVE TO GET PAST THE HUMILATION, MAYBE THAT'S WHY,

SO I CAN LEARN TO GET PAST IT. " STRUGGLE IS THE SHORT PATH TO THE

SPIRIT " JENOFGRACE