Almost your neighbour

[Guest guest]

Hi Steve,

Welcome,

I particularly wanted to say hello because living in Thailand, I'm

almost your neighbour, I'm a 70yr old Brit diagnosed AS 3 years ago.

Like you, I can't find any local support at all for adult AS, not in

the English language anyway, I know Hong Kong reasonably well from

having lived and worked both there and Macau in the late 1980s and 1990s.

Like you, also, my 2nd marriage isn't doing much these days, although

it's actually survived 20 years to date. My current wife is Thai. May

I ask, is yours Chinese? In our case language and cultural

differences tend to mask and overshadow our AS/NT differences. I guess

AS/NT differences would be a lot more noticeable with a partner who had

similar ethnic origins, so I dunno, maybe it's the cultural and

language barriers that have actually kept us going so long.

I'm currently in the throes of winding down a 3-month solo stay in UK,

and will be returning to Thailand next week, so once I'm back to my

rather isolated and lonely existence there, the good thing is that

hopefully I'll have more time to catch up here on Aspires.

In the meantime, I'm sure we'd all like to hear more from you about

life in Hong Kong, how AS impacts it, and how and why you've chosen a

life there.

--- Hi

Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2011 04:39:23 -0000

Reply-To: aspires-relationships

To: aspires-relationships

Hi

I have just found this site. At last a site for people affected by AS

that has some positive and constructive posts.

In the short time that I have looked through some of the posts, I am

hopeful that this site may provide me with some of the answers that I

have been searching for in the year since I realise that I have AS (self

diagnosed).

Me in short:- I am 52 years old and have been married for 25 years. We

have two lovely girls aged 10 and 14. My 10 year old also has AS (that

is what made me realize I was affected.

We are living in Hong Kong where I have not been able to find any

professional help for adults with AS. My marriage is at a very rocky

stage. While, in my view, knowing about my AS ought to have been the

start of the development of a new understanding and improved

relationship with my wife, instead, my wife has written me off, in the

belief that she now knows that I cannot change.

Over the last year, I have made many changes to improve myself and avoid

AS like behavior. I have not found this easy. I have done as much as I

can on my own but I now need my wife¡¦s support to progress further and

this is not forthcoming. This may, or may not, be linked to my wife

being affected by the menopause at the moment, which is difficult enough

without AS being in the equation.

I am on the verge of just giving up. I have expended much energy on

trying to find work arounds to help me provide some of what my wife

needs from me. Without any feedback that I can understand, I don¡¦t know

if my efforts were working or even if I have been addressing issues that

are important to her. I have backed off from my efforts since my wife

ordered me to stop doing nice things for her as it ¡§put her under

pressure¡¨. I still do not understand this. Anyway, enough of my woes

and this post is long enough. No doubt I will take the opportunity in

future to go into further detail about my issues.

I will try to persuade my wife to have a quick look at or even join this

site.

If you got to the end of this, thanks for reading.

[Guest guest]

Hi again Steve,

Thanks for the reply, and I continue to be fascinated by the

prospect of having an almost near neighbour Aspie, perhaps even with

some matching technological interests to myself. I worked with what was

then Cable & Wireless (HK) and CTM Macau telephone switching projects in

the 1990s.

Sorry, I'm rather preoccupied with preparing and packing up to return to

Thailand next week, so haven't been able to give your other posts all

my full attention that they deserve. I can observe, though, that you

seem more intent on repairing the relationship with your wife than I am

with mine at the moment, and you're perhaps putting yourself down a bit

by assigning some of the blame on yourself. That might or might not be

healthy for your own wellbeing; at the end of the day you are who you

are, and I think it's important to accept and be happy with that, even

if it doesn't 100% suit your partner.

Yes, we should do our best to bend and meet what our partners want us to

be, but we can only bend so far. If we try to bend too much, we can

break and lose our own identity, so perhaps I value myself and my

independence and my identity rather more than you do. Some might say

that's selfish, but I say self-preservation comes first.

But from your earlier post, there's one horrible thought about your

relationship and the way your wife is behaving, that you may not have

considered seriously, and that I'd first like to eliminate if we can.

Is it at all possible that she has met someone else and has started to

strike up some kind of relationship with them? You are out at work

all day, and you're not communicating much with her, so could

something like this be going on unnoticed by you? Don't forget that we

Aspies have our heads buried in the sand and we can easily miss things

that are much more obvious to NTs.

OK, her sudden loss of interest in you might be partly down to her

realisation that your AS can't be " cured " , and some of it may be down

to menopause triggering her to review her own life goals from a new

standpoint. I don't know. Maybe that's all, but some of her behaviour

does look rather similar to what can happen when there's a triangle

instead of just the two of you.

Sorry to raise this unpleasant possibility, and I hope you can shoot me

down dead on it, but I'd just like to be sure you've considered this

possibility and you're not a victim of the naïvity issue so many of us

Aspies have.

PS: The Thai version of " Gweilo " is " Falang "

--- Re: Almost your neighbour

Date: Wed, 30 Nov 2011 12:07:37 -0000

Reply-To: aspires-relationships

To: aspires-relationships

Hi

I too am a Brit. I have searched high and low for some help here in Hong

Kong. Because my youngest daughter has AS, my Chinese colleagues and

friends have been able to help search for leads in the local language,

without revealing anything much about my own issues. There is something

but not much help here for children and I have not found anything at all

for adults. I would love to be proved wrong.

No, my wife is not Chinese, She too is a Brit. It is an interesting

thought that cultural differences may actually help mask the AS/NT

issues. We have been on our international travels for only three years.

Two years in Dubai and one in Hong Kong.

Our travels started when my wife started the early stages of menopause.

Apparently, it is not unusual for women to get a wander lust and just

move away from their home. My wife had the urge to move and I had a

great offer to work for the Government of Dubai for a couple of years.

This seemed a great opportunity for both of us and our daughters so we

upped sticks on our adventure. I arrived in Dubai just as the financial

crisis hit. I always knew that the job I was taking on was going to be

tough but cut backs at work made life very difficult and I didn't enjoy

my stay there much.

When my contract came up for renewal, I wanted to get as far away from

the Middle East as possible. The financial Crisis meant that there were

no opportunities back home and my wife still wanted to live her

adventure and I have no family commitments in the UK so I took my

current, very rewarding, post in Hong Kong. I enjoy my work and social

life here. I have built up a social life by playing Bass in a rock band.

I must be the oldest Rocker in the territory.

My wife had suspected about my AS for a while, I had my realisation

shortly after arriving in Hong Kong. We were still staying in hotels at

the time. My own realisation hit my wife really badly and things have

progressed from bad to worse. I don't know how AS is impacting on my

general life here. Any local issues are overshadowed by problems with my

marriage. AS has only really affected my family life, as far as I am

aware. I have had several rewarding careers and a reasonable social

life. If anything, my wife socialises less than me. Probably because of

our difficulties, we have built up separate social circles in Hong Kong.

Anyway, it's great to hear from a fellow Gwailo, or whatever the term is

in Thailand. What brought you to this part of the world?

Regards

Steve

------------------------------------

" We each have our own way of living in the world, together

we are like a symphony.

Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony

It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.

We all contribute to the song of life. "

...Sondra

We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.

ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.

Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.

Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.

When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:

http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm

ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER

http://www.aspires-relationships.com

[Guest guest]

Hi

I am reasonably sure that there is no other man involved. Yes I do spend much

time at work and I do need my quiet time when I eventually get home. Fidelity

has always been important to both of us. If either of us had strayed, even when

things were better. That would have been the end of us.

She has expressed that I find someone else to give her an excuse to leave.

Enjoy what's left of uour UK trip.

Steve

>

> Hi again Steve,

>

> Thanks for the reply, and I continue to be fascinated by the

> prospect of having an almost near neighbour Aspie, perhaps even with

> some matching technological interests to myself. I worked with what was

> then Cable & Wireless (HK) and CTM Macau telephone switching projects in

> the 1990s.

>

> Sorry, I'm rather preoccupied with preparing and packing up to return to

> Thailand next week, so haven't been able to give your other posts all

> my full attention that they deserve. I can observe, though, that you

> seem more intent on repairing the relationship with your wife than I am

> with mine at the moment, and you're perhaps putting yourself down a bit

> by assigning some of the blame on yourself. That might or might not be

> healthy for your own wellbeing; at the end of the day you are who you

> are, and I think it's important to accept and be happy with that, even

> if it doesn't 100% suit your partner.

>

> Yes, we should do our best to bend and meet what our partners want us to

> be, but we can only bend so far. If we try to bend too much, we can

> break and lose our own identity, so perhaps I value myself and my

> independence and my identity rather more than you do. Some might say

> that's selfish, but I say self-preservation comes first.

>

> But from your earlier post, there's one horrible thought about your

> relationship and the way your wife is behaving, that you may not have

> considered seriously, and that I'd first like to eliminate if we can.

> Is it at all possible that she has met someone else and has started to

> strike up some kind of relationship with them? You are out at work

> all day, and you're not communicating much with her, so could

> something like this be going on unnoticed by you? Don't forget that we

> Aspies have our heads buried in the sand and we can easily miss things

> that are much more obvious to NTs.

>

> OK, her sudden loss of interest in you might be partly down to her

> realisation that your AS can't be " cured " , and some of it may be down

> to menopause triggering her to review her own life goals from a new

> standpoint. I don't know. Maybe that's all, but some of her behaviour

> does look rather similar to what can happen when there's a triangle

> instead of just the two of you.

>

> Sorry to raise this unpleasant possibility, and I hope you can shoot me

> down dead on it, but I'd just like to be sure you've considered this

> possibility and you're not a victim of the naïvity issue so many of us

> Aspies have.

>

>

>

> PS: The Thai version of " Gweilo " is " Falang "

>

> --- Re: Almost your neighbour

> Date: Wed, 30 Nov 2011 12:07:37 -0000

>

> Reply-To: aspires-relationships

> To: aspires-relationships

>

>

>

> Hi

>

> I too am a Brit. I have searched high and low for some help here in Hong

> Kong. Because my youngest daughter has AS, my Chinese colleagues and

> friends have been able to help search for leads in the local language,

> without revealing anything much about my own issues. There is something

> but not much help here for children and I have not found anything at all

> for adults. I would love to be proved wrong.

>

> No, my wife is not Chinese, She too is a Brit. It is an interesting

> thought that cultural differences may actually help mask the AS/NT

> issues. We have been on our international travels for only three years.

> Two years in Dubai and one in Hong Kong.

>

> Our travels started when my wife started the early stages of menopause.

> Apparently, it is not unusual for women to get a wander lust and just

> move away from their home. My wife had the urge to move and I had a

> great offer to work for the Government of Dubai for a couple of years.

> This seemed a great opportunity for both of us and our daughters so we

> upped sticks on our adventure. I arrived in Dubai just as the financial

> crisis hit. I always knew that the job I was taking on was going to be

> tough but cut backs at work made life very difficult and I didn't enjoy

> my stay there much.

>

> When my contract came up for renewal, I wanted to get as far away from

> the Middle East as possible. The financial Crisis meant that there were

> no opportunities back home and my wife still wanted to live her

> adventure and I have no family commitments in the UK so I took my

> current, very rewarding, post in Hong Kong. I enjoy my work and social

> life here. I have built up a social life by playing Bass in a rock band.

> I must be the oldest Rocker in the territory.

>

> My wife had suspected about my AS for a while, I had my realisation

> shortly after arriving in Hong Kong. We were still staying in hotels at

> the time. My own realisation hit my wife really badly and things have

> progressed from bad to worse. I don't know how AS is impacting on my

> general life here. Any local issues are overshadowed by problems with my

> marriage. AS has only really affected my family life, as far as I am

> aware. I have had several rewarding careers and a reasonable social

> life. If anything, my wife socialises less than me. Probably because of

> our difficulties, we have built up separate social circles in Hong Kong.

>

> Anyway, it's great to hear from a fellow Gwailo, or whatever the term is

> in Thailand. What brought you to this part of the world?

>

> Regards

>

> Steve

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> " We each have our own way of living in the world, together

> we are like a symphony.

> Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony

> It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.

> We all contribute to the song of life. "

> ...Sondra

>

> We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.

>

> ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.

> Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.

> Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.

> When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:

> http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm

> ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER

> http://www.aspires-relationships.com

>