AW: Irritation

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Dear C.

Fill out a jyn-worksheet and ask the four questions.

One part is: " I am angry with... because ... " . So, it would be " my mother " for

the first gap and... what for the second? She laughs at me? She doesn't take me

serious? She treats me like a fool?

Get that done.

Love,

----- Ursprüngliche Mail ----

Von: chbj82

An: Loving-what-is

Gesendet: Mittwoch, den 8. August 2007, 00:58:00 Uhr

Betreff: Irritation

Hi!

I need som help in my relationship with my mother. I very quickly get

very irritated with her. And I know says that the only way I can

get angry with another person is if I myself have said, done or thougt

something that is unkind in my own opinion. But I am not sure I

understand what she means. Or I am not aware of what I have thougt or

done that I think is unkind. How can I get aware of this? I feel I can

not do the work because I am not aware of the thought I would benefit

from doing the work on. So maybe you can help me if you have

experienced something alike.

One example: Today I was going to paint walls at some elderly peoples

houses. I am apployed by the local authority. I called them in the

middle of the day to get them to set the paint outside the door (it

was locked inside a cellar). I told them I would come down in a little

while, but then I went to do something else first, so I didnt go down

to start painting before after the normal working day had ended. My

mother said before I left that maybe they had locked the painting

inside again now if they saw I had not been there to get it before

they went home from work. But it is only a five min. drive down there,

so I went to see if the paint was still outside knowing that if it was

not I could just drive home again and start painting tomorrow instead.

And as my mother said, they had locked the paint inside again. I still

feel fine writing all this. So when I got home I notised on my way up

the stairs that I was starting to get irritated because I knew my

mother would have some stupid coment or question for me when I got up.

And she said: " Oh, you finnished so quickly? " (notising I feel a

starting irritation now because I know that she does not really wonder

that, she is not that stupid that she thinks that a painting job takes

under half an hour. And I dont know why she asks me that question,

what her motiv is? What does she want to achieve? Contact with me? or

what? And knowing that her question is not one she really wants an

answer to, I still feel I have to ansver that stupid question. What is

my alternative? Not answering at all? Then I am afraid she will get

sad, I don't want that.) I answer: " Yes, the paint was not there " .

Then she starts laughing. And I don't see what is so funny about that.

The paint was not there, I just start painting tomorrow instead. It

was my fault because I went down there too late. And her laught is not

real, it is forced, so I know she does not fint it that funny either.

But why does she laugh at this then?? I don't think she knows either.

And I feel that she may be laughing to unconciously get me to feel

stupid for driving down ther for no reason. But I dont feel stupid for

that. It is what it is. But I get so annoyed with her for laughing,

and I don't understand why! Does she need to get me to feel stupid? Is

that it? And why?? Is this something to feel stupid fore? When I

didn't laugh when she laughed she stopped laughing. And then I get

irritated because she cant even laugh herself if she thinks she has a

reason to laugt at me. And then I think that if she does not really

think it is that funny that she is trying to convince me and herself

(forced laughter) what is her reason for laughing? I feel i an asking

all the wrong questions here. I am asking questions outsie my self,

and the solution can not lie outside my self.

But is my mother laughing because she is insecure of herself? Insecure

of me? Why? I dont need to know her reasons for this really to find

peace, but I just dont understand where to find peace in this. And if

the is so insecure that the needs to laugh to make me feel stupid,

that is not a nice thing for a mother to do! I am still not hitting

the nail here..

I think I get so annoyed for feeling that I have to answer her

irrelevant questions. I dont know what else to do, what is a better

way? Then when she stopped laughing because I didnt laugh, she said:

" And you didnt call anyone to get the paint? " She said it in such a

way that I understood that she was afraid to ask me that question in

case I would get irritated with her, but she tried to hide the fact

that she was insecure.Then OFCOURSE I GOT irritated with her and

answered with an irritated voice trying to get her to feel stupid: "

No, ofcourse not, I dont call them in their free time after work! "

(thinking, how stupid are you for thinking I would do such a thing,

stupid mother) Not much love here...

I get very frustrated because I dont know how to get real contact with

my mother in such situations, and most other situations. I feel she is

always pretending, never being real, never expressing her real

emotions, always trying to hide what she feels. Never wanting to talk

about feelings (makes her very uncomfortable). I have a hard time

knowing how to relate to her. And I really want to get over my very

childish behaviour around my mother, not get myself frustrated and

irritated by little tings like this.. But right now, I just dont see

where the peaceful solution is. And I feel I dont really find " where

the shoe hurts on my foot " .

Ups this was long and probably very messy written in bad english. Hope

someone understands anyway and maybe have some good advice or see the

situation clearer than I doo right now.

C.

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