Re: Newlywed NT and AS

[Guest guest]

Jody,

While I am not exactly NT (OCD/MDD/ADHD dx at 13 and again at 26), my

husband and I are newlyweds and he is AS/HFA. We have a lot of challenges

day to day that revolve around his behaviors. While our cases may be

slightly different in the sense that I get told a lot of the time that I am

loved and my husband loves big hugs and being smothered with affection, we

go through regular temper tantrums, crying fits, refusal to go out to

specific places due to the noise levels or number of people, and general

rudeness towards others we encounter. All of these things are hurdles and

sometimes we gloriously leap them, other times we catch ourselves on the

hurdle and land face first in arguments or yelling. But, it has been getting

better. I feel like a lot of the hurdles are about a couple key things:

Setting boundaries (ie, some behaviors are just not okay and should not be

fostered) and adaptation of the NT spouse (figuring out what works to calm

the issue and going to that when there is a problem).

I love my husband to death - he is VERY sweet and giving. But we do have

challenges and he has acknowledged a lot of difficulty stemming from

symptoms of AS - including sleep pattern trouble that probably affects his

mood during the day. He also has become very aware of his social

inappropriateness. On the upside, he is very assertive and doesn't let

anyone put wool over his eyes, but the downside is that he and his business

partner are very close to shutting down their music store as a result of

some serious clashing between my husband and his bi-polar partner. Sigh.

From the start of our two year relationship to now, I've seen leaps and

bounds of improvement. Less tantrums, less outbursts, more communication.

This is because we both sat down and decided to put in the work on it. And

I'll tell you, it's been worth the hard work.

I also read a cheesy but helpful book called " The Five Love Languages " by

Chapman about how to communicate love the way the partner needs it..we

both know our love languages and they're fortunately very much one in the

same, so we work to nurture our expressions of love regularly. It involves a

lot of " I love you " and " You're special " talk, and hokey as it sounds, it

works for us!

I'd also love to hear other newlyweds' stories.

Danica

[Guest guest]

Hi Jody,

Let me respond from my own AS slant on this, especially the part

where you use the word " love " .

What does " love " mean? The word has so many different uses and

interpretations that no wonder it's often misunderstood. For example

we're probably not talking about the same concept at all when we compare

(1) God's " love " for his people (2) A toddler's " love " for its mother

(3) I " love " strawberries and cream. Neither is the meaning set in

any kind of stone when we talk about " love " between the partners of a

relationship.

Also, I would like to suggest that the nature of love develops and

changes as relationships develop and mature. There's the getting to

know each other phase, the courtship phase, the romantic phase, the

sexual attraction phase, the living together phase, the cooperation

between mature partners phase, the taking care in sickness phase, and

so on. Love takes on a different form at each of these phases and its

implementation is unique for every couple.

So when you say " I just don't feel like he loves me " , can you be more

specific about what it is you're lacking from him? I mean is it a

lack of romance? A lack of sex? A lack of helping around the house?

A lack of contributing to the household expenses? A lack of cameraderie

and daily chit-chat? or what? And whatever it is, have you been

able to explain to him what it is you feel you're missing?

Having said all that, it's true that Aspies generally aren't too hot at

expressing their feelings and engaging in romantic stuff. We are more

focussed on the practicalities of living and trying to cooperate and be

useful. In other words we tend to express our " love " in different ways.

So just because you don't feel you're receiving exactly the kind of

" love " you were expecting, doesn't have to mean it's not there. You're

probably on different wavelengths and will need to learn to tune in to

each other.

Hope this makes some sense.

(unexpectedly diagnosed AS at age 67)

-------

> I recently got married to a wonderful man who has also recently been diagnosed

with Asperger's Syndrome. I guess what I'm looking for is more information about

the hurdles other newlyweds in my situation have gone through as well as how

they got through them.

>

> To start, my biggest hurdle thus far is being shown that I'm loved. A lot of

times I just don't feel like he loves me.

>

> Sent from my iPad

>

[Guest guest]

Underdog wrote:

>

> I read a lot of people who are either wed or in a relationship with aspies,

who also have other disorders such as OCD or Bi-polar etc. Is this very common?

> regards,

Yes. Neurology-wise, OCD is very common (among the Aspie population).

No guarantees that the condition will manifest itself, yet the pistol is

genetically primed. Environmental factors often determine the rest. I

was in my early 20s when the OCD hammer came down.

Environment-wise, the stresses of living with AS in our society also

contributes to a high incidence of depression and substance abuse. It's

really not surprising, if you think about it. I'm two for two.

Looking back, I suspect that my mom was an Aspie, as was my only

sibling. Of course, there was no such thing as Aspergers on the books

back in the Dark Ages. They were just " odd annoying people to be avoided " .

Both my mom and sister are more severely impacted than I. Some of the

things that they say in public are so beyond the pale. So much so that

I strongly debated whether or not to invite them to my wedding.

While AS can be hereditary, I imagine that growing up in a home with

such odd (by cultural standards) people probably didn't give me the best

toolkit for life. Pretty much everything I learned about the social

world was learned decades later than my peers, all through the school of

hard knocks. I still feel like I'm playing " catch up " , in fact.

My NT husband (diagnosed Bipolar II) descended from at least 3

generations of suspected bipolar men. Of course, no one really

understood that back in the day. It is only through a behavioral

post-mortem that one can put all the pieces of the family history together.

Both of us also come from families with at least one severely alcoholic

parent. From our very first drinks as teenagers, both my sister and I

knew that we had " The Gene " . Strangely enough, my husband did not abuse

alcohol (or any other drug) at any time during his life. He had two

alcoholic parents, to my one (NT father, estranged since I was a toddler).

Probably more than you wanted to know, huh?

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

nj.delphia@... wrote:

> My husband and I met in art school. I was a glass major and him, industrial

design.

Just curious... what exactly is a " glass major " and what sort of course

work does it involve?

I'm guessing that it's a BFA or MFA focused around the craft/art of

mouth-blown glass and sculptural pieces.

Am I on-base or off? Too simplistic?

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

You have it right. It was a BA fine arts program. My true love was blowing glass

until my lungs and immune system crapped out. Then I switched to the honors

chemistry program at another university. That went to hell after my car

accident.

Nanci

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf...

[Guest guest]

nj.delphia@... wrote:

> You have it right. It was a BA fine arts program. My true love was blowing

glass until my lungs and immune system crapped out.

Oh, Nanci... I'm so sorry to hear that. Having to quit must have been

very frustrating and painful for you.

I've always loved glass art, yet never quite progressed beyond basic

stained glass craft projects myself.

Speaking of glass art, my doctor's medical group has a two-tiered Dale

Chihuly glass chandelier installed in the atrium lobby.

http://www.cdabbart.com/health/health_care_art_consultant.html

I think the wavy glass pieces that make up the chandelier are called

" persians " . Whatever they are called, I really like that particular

shape. It reminds me of an opened jellyfish bell (jellyfish are one of

the most beautiful creatures, IMO).

I love the piece Chihuly did for the Mayo Clinic. It's got all these

wiggly, twisty-turny pieces that remind me of something growing on a

coral reef.

Best,

~CJ