(not) wanting to be in control

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

I've been away for some time, and was just passing by to see what's

happening here. :-)

I wonder if the discussions about 'Tami's provoking' and 'being late'

aren't both about wanting to be in control.

I want to be in control sometimes, because I'm afraid of what's going

to happen if I'm not.

The world apparently becomes an unpredictable and threatening place,

and when that thought arises, it feels scary.

However, I can't control the behavior of others (although I try by

manipulating them, and then I feel bad).

Lately I'm more and more aware that I'm not in control, ever, not even

of my own behavior.

And that feels like a good thing, it feels great!

I've come to realise that of everything that's happening inside of me

(heart beating, food being processed, cells dividing, hormones being

produced and broken down, legs moving, arms lifting, thoughts

arising), there's only this tiny bit that involves my full awareness.

And tracing the origin of my thoughts, I realise I don't even control

them, or my behavior, or my feelings, even though often I have the

illusion that I do.

A couple of years ago I was playing:

I don't have a free will.

I tried to imagine as vividly as possible that everything was being done.

Going with the flow.

To my surprise, it was a wonderful experience!

So, whenever I worry or feel guilty or embarrassed or feel like

manipulating people to try to make them do what I think I want them to

do:

I try to find this place again, where I'm not in control.

Although there's a paradox here: I can't 'try' to find it, when I'm

not in control.

But it seems to happen.

Guilt and worry evaporate like water droplets in the fire.

Bliss!

Eva