Introduction/ Feeling Depressed / Possible Triggers

[Guest guest]

Hello Everyone,

My name's and I have been living with chronic pain for

approximately 10 years now. I was born with TSC or Tethered Spinal

Cord Syndrome. This is a congenital neurological condition where in

the nerves that generally flow along either side of one's spinal cord

become tethered around the base with fatty tissue called a lipoma

and/or adhesions/scar tissue (left from prior surgeries.) I was born

with TSC and have had de-tethering surgery 3 times. Once when I was

12, the second time at 21 and third and most recent when I was 30.

Prior to my third surgery I was having increased neurological

symptoms such as shooting pain up my spine, stabbing recurrent pain

in my neck, sharp dagger like pain along my lumbar spine/sciatic

region and down my left leg to my toes. I also have drop foot in my

right foot. After coming out of my third surgery I had permanent

nerve damage to my right foot, resulting in numbness, loss of

mobility, loss of sensation/touch and weakened ankle

tendons/ligaments. I lastly have pins and needles in both feet and

sometimes sharp pin like sensations in my right and left calves. I

consulted my neurosurgeon at the time (who performed my third

surgery) about all my symptoms and he said " oh well, that's to be

expected, the numbness in your foot will go away within 3-6 months.. "

Well it hasn't so I'm learning to live with it the best I can. I

started PT 6 weeks after my third surgery to regain/rebuild strength

in my lower back and core muscles especially. I worked with a

wonderful PT who had a residency at the well known spine center near

Stamford Univ in California prior to moving east. I live in Southern

Maine and to find someone close by who specializes in spinal

disorders, conditions such as mine was a great relief. I stayed with

Jeanne until September 2008 when I returned to work. I was doing

alright for a few months, keeping up with my excercises etc until

January when my neuropathy became absolutely unbearable. It was the

worst it's ever been and I this time was home alone for 2+ weeks as

my Mom was on vacation in Costa Rica for her birthday. I called my

primary doctor who sent a referral to PT. Jeanne called me and said

she would like for me to see and be evaluated by her colleague and

close friend Stephane who also treats spinal patients. I've been

working with him ever since, with exception to now as there was too

much of a wait. I thank you for being here and for the chance to

share and vent some of my frustrations. How many of you are in PT? or

some kind of alternate therapy? Is there anything especially soothing

people find helpful? I hopefully will hear back from my PT on Monday

if not I'll call.

I also find my chronic pain causes me to feel depressed, despondent

and anxious. I'm feeling a wreck right now and as you will see from

my sharing below nights are the worst for me.

I've been going through an especially hard time lately. My pain

levels have been through the roof and my depression has hit me hard

these past few months. I was forced to go off Lexapro at the end of

September b/c I ran out and with COBRA knew I wouldn't be able to

afford it w/out full rx coverage. I managed to get into a PA program

and now have a 3 month supply and can renew it 3 more times -- so

I'll have it for a year.

I'm not sure if it's getting fired from my steady job on Sept 30th

2008 and the rift & tumultous circumstances surrounding that as well

as my mom's on-going cancer treatments -- but I still feel myself

sinking & falling deeper and deeper into the black hole that is the

epicenter of my fear. I saw a neurosurgeon in November to follow up

and he ordered an MRI of both my neck & lumbar spine -- said it would

be easier to have at home -- well I'm still waiting to have this done

and there's been so MUCH confusion at my primary doctor's office

regarding this I'm not sure what's up anymore. They called me Monday

with my results and I said I had NOT had an MRI on Monday morning or

recently and it was urgent they figure things out.

My temp position has ended and two and a half weeks before I knew it

to be up I contacted my staffing consultant to ask her to submit my

paperwork for my background check -- to work for Lib Mutual as they

require one -- and I knew it would take up to two weeks -- I asked

her to do it then, so I'd be caught up and ready to continue on and

transition smoothly into my new job. Well after talking to her via e-

mail yesterday she never submitted my paperwork and asked oh would

you like for me to do that today? WTF????!!! I'm so utterly

frustrated and angry and feel like pulling my hair out. I've done

everything possible to remain upbeat and on top of things and this is

what happens.

That and I've been in more pain lately that just will not go away.

I've had several nerve blocks since September -- three to be exact. I

just had one last Tuesday. I'm feeling very alone and finding my PTSD

flashbacks returning as well as the violent nightmares and panic

attacks. I'm working to find a therapist but it's not easy. Night-

time is the absolute worst for me. If there were not the UK

Samaritians organization to write/e-mail to I don't know what I'd do

or where I'd be. They've been a real comfort and would highly

recommend them as an outreach resource. They can be reached by e-

mailing: jo@... and someone will reply within 24 hours

and one can write as often as needed.

My step mother and I had a huge blow up about me sharing a story on

my blog about when my father went to jail when I was 18 and in

college. It was just before Christmas. I also shared I was afraid to

come out to them for fear my college tuition would be cut off and/or

there would be further possible retribution from " his side of the

family. " I got an angry emotional e-mail from my step mother accusing

me of always discriminating against them and that my sisters and

father were extremely hurt and I did not once think of them or how

they'd feel when posting what I did. End result - things got somewhat

worked out between she and I but I'm still feeling uneasy about the

whole thing.

I'm crying all the time and find it very hard to get out of bed or

sleep at night due to the night terrors waking me up. I end up on the

couch reading or watching a movie. I wish I lived closer to Boston

where I could meet more people my age. I just don't know what to do.

I've thought about driving myself to the emergency room but that

would then involve my mother and I don't want her involved. My

flashbacks of my abuse have returned after lying dormant. I'm not

even sure how to find a therapist. I know I'm resourceful but am

feeling completely un-hinged. I e-mailed one therapist I found out

about through my doctor's office but she's still to return my e-mail.

Does anyone in the states know how to find psychotherapists, LMHC,

psychologists who are experienced & knowledgable in EMDR therapy as

well as art therapy and working with sexual assault/abuse victims?

I'm not sure where to start.

I'm crying as I write this. The Samaritians asked if I had a plan and

I said I've always had one but never put it into action. I'm not

feeling to that point now but just would like for someone to talk to -

- doesn't matter what about ... distractions are good. I've been

cleaning like mad. Is anyone here right now?

Would love some TLC, reassurance and a little hope sent my way .....

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