Growing old ;-)

[Guest guest]

My 82 y/o mother will love these - the one about the eggs was on her

refrigerator door for years. Jan

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly

widow and asked, " How old was your husband? " " 98, " she replied. " Two years

older than me. " " So you're 96, " the undertaker commented. She responded,

" Hardly worth going home, is it? "

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: " And what do you think is the

best thing about being 104? " the reporter asked. She simply replied, " No peer

pressure. "

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new

knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear

anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me

dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor

circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or

92! . Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's

license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape , so I got my doctor's

permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an

aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and

perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was

over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had

two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted

her ashes scattered over Walmart. " Walmart? " the preacher exclaimed. " Why

Walmart? " " Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as

it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, " For fast

relief. "

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because

you stop laughing.

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never

liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight

to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh

heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Jan Patenaude, RD

Director of Medical Nutrition

Signet Diagnostic Corporation

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