Grief

[Guest guest]

Hey (and Gang);

I don't think I've still accepted that this is it for me. What is it

that people say about human condition and never giving up hope?

Everyone here has heard me write about my previous doctor and how she

practiced mind/body treatment. I couldn't work full time when I was

with her, but my pain was acceptable.

Well, it's been a year since I began seeing this particular pain

doctor. Everyone made sure I was cut off from all opiates for almost

three months before I saw him, so by the time I did, I was basically

in a passive suicidal attitude (I wouldn't take my life, but I would

be happy if someone did!). I took two things from the first meeting:

first, he asked me when I had last held down a regular job. I gave my

usual answer of a couple of years. (In my mind, it has been a couple).

My stbd hubby(soon to be divorced), cut in and said, " Seven years. "

Just like that. No hesitation. It pulled me up short. That long? No

wonder I'm broke all the time! Also, after examining me, the doctor

told me that with " Everything going on with me " , he would be satisfied

if he took away half my pain. At the time, I told him I wasn't

satisfied, and he shrugged with a take it or leave it attitude. I'm

still not satisfied!

A year later, and he did take away half the pain I was feeling when I

first saw him. And I'm still not satisfied. I'm worse than I was a

year ago. But I have a very vivid memory of who I am and was when I'm

not in pain, and the person I am now is not acceptable to me. I've

given up hope that I will hang glide or jump horses again. Or even

ride a good Saddlebred or dance for 15 hours straight? But I remember

how I felt when my meds were the right dose, when I had a doctor who

knew how to give an epidural the right way (only the past year have

they not helped me), and how well my body worked when I lived in warm

climates. I plan to move by next fall, so why can't I sit a horse

again? Or walk a few miles without pain? Or dance a Pow Wow all the

way through Grand Entry? I'm still at the point that if I didn't have

that hope, well...I would not be a good person to be around.

, and the rest of you-I feel so bad when I read your texts, as

you reach out in your incredible pain and try to find anything to make

it better, to find anything to get you through it and help you cope.

To live one precious day without pain. I've been at that exact point

more times than I can say. And always, somehow, when I could no longer

stand it, I found help, sometimes from out of nowhere. I'm sorry. I

refuse to believe this is the status quo. I will get better!

Once again, I am opening myself to the universe, asking for help, and

knowing that from somewhere, once again, I will find it. And I wish to

all of you the same. And please know that if we don't always seem like

we don't understand, we do. Good luck to all of us!

Where on Earth did all that come from? Am I campaigning or what? But I

meant every word, even as I sit here gritting my teeth. lol Oh yeah,

I also thank TPTB for this wonderful group and the wonderful people

that make it up!

Jeanne