Re: Grief

January 9, 2009

Wow...It's been a life time since I did a round dance at Pow Wow time.

Horses/Mustangs. I think my lumbar area would crack right open if I did that

again.

I miss it but I accept it. I just had to change what I do that makes me happy

but when the pain gets so bad....I think of those times again.

That part of my lose is never really gone and the depression that goes with it

but it's off and on.

It was just this morning when the burning in my leg from the compressed vertebra

was so bad...I just whined and curled up with the thought...how badly I want my

body back.

I don't like that I'm getting worse....what if my doctor gives up on me or some

awful thought like that. I managed well for almost 10 years with minimal

opiates but things are getting really hairy again.

I envision myself with a doctor like you're having problems with...I think my

temper would fall apart if I got that.

If I was asked to go three months without opiates the spasm that the opiates

block would come thundering back and I'd be at suicidal levels (hoping a truck

would hit me)...I don't think I could harm myself. I mean that...I don't have

many of those kind of spasms left in me to deal with.

I hope but I'm terrified of the back situation. This must be RSD people feel.

The horrible, horrible burning and stinging.

Lotacats

Express Chronic Pain Awareness

http://www.cafepress.com/lotacatspix/5815010

Lotacatsfunpix.com

http://www.lotacatsfunpix.com/

Deviantart

http://lotacats05.deviantart.com/

>

> Subject: Grief

> To: Hugs-N-Pain

> Date: Friday, January 9, 2009, 6:41 AM

> Hey (and Gang);

>

> I don't think I've still accepted that this is it

> for me. What is it

> that people say about human condition and never giving up

> hope?

> Everyone here has heard me write about my previous doctor

> and how she

> practiced mind/body treatment. I couldn't work full

> time when I was

> with her, but my pain was acceptable.

>

> Well, it's been a year since I began seeing this

> particular pain

> doctor. Everyone made sure I was cut off from all opiates

> for almost

> three months before I saw him, so by the time I did, I was

> basically

> in a passive suicidal attitude (I wouldn't take my

> life, but I would

> be happy if someone did!). I took two things from the

> first meeting:

> first, he asked me when I had last held down a regular job.

> I gave my

> usual answer of a couple of years. (In my mind, it has been

> a couple).

> My stbd hubby(soon to be divorced), cut in and said,

> " Seven years. "

> Just like that. No hesitation. It pulled me up short. That

> long? No

> wonder I'm broke all the time! Also, after examining

> me, the doctor

> told me that with " Everything going on with me " ,

> he would be satisfied

> if he took away half my pain. At the time, I told him I

> wasn't

> satisfied, and he shrugged with a take it or leave it

> attitude. I'm

> still not satisfied!

>

> A year later, and he did take away half the pain I was

> feeling when I

> first saw him. And I'm still not satisfied. I'm

> worse than I was a

> year ago. But I have a very vivid memory of who I am and

> was when I'm

> not in pain, and the person I am now is not acceptable to

> me. I've

> given up hope that I will hang glide or jump horses again.

> Or even

> ride a good Saddlebred or dance for 15 hours straight? But

> I remember

> how I felt when my meds were the right dose, when I had a

> doctor who

> knew how to give an epidural the right way (only the past

> year have

> they not helped me), and how well my body worked when I

> lived in warm

> climates. I plan to move by next fall, so why can't I

> sit a horse

> again? Or walk a few miles without pain? Or dance a Pow Wow

> all the

> way through Grand Entry? I'm still at the point that if

> I didn't have

> that hope, well...I would not be a good person to be

> around.

>

> , and the rest of you-I feel so bad when I read your

> texts, as

> you reach out in your incredible pain and try to find

> anything to make

> it better, to find anything to get you through it and help

> you cope.

> To live one precious day without pain. I've been at

> that exact point

> more times than I can say. And always, somehow, when I

> could no longer

> stand it, I found help, sometimes from out of nowhere.

> I'm sorry. I

> refuse to believe this is the status quo. I will get

> better!

>

> Once again, I am opening myself to the universe, asking for

> help, and

> knowing that from somewhere, once again, I will find it.

> And I wish to

> all of you the same. And please know that if we don't

> always seem like

> we don't understand, we do. Good luck to all of us!

>

> Where on Earth did all that come from? Am I campaigning or

> what? But I

> meant every word, even as I sit here gritting my teeth. lol

> Oh yeah,

> I also thank TPTB for this wonderful group and the

> wonderful people

> that make it up!

>

> Jeanne

January 12, 2009

Hi

Uh I know that feeling of wanting your old body back. Sometimes I just question

over and over WHY?? It's a HUGE thing to accept, living in this much pain. You

also stated my worst fear; my Dr giving up on me (I've already had my neuro &

pain Dr tell me there is nothing else they can do for me) and the pain meds

taken away. Somedays they don't even seem to work but I can't imagine how

intense it would be without them. We just need to try and have faith that our

Dr's are compassionate enough to continue treating us.

Most days I do try to be positive and think of how much I have vs how much I've

lost, other days it's tough. It's whne the pain is so bad that the negativity

sneaks in. The pain has been bad this last week especially; to the point of the

meds barely touching it; that I have a hard time dealing with. So if anyone has

ideas on how to get out of a " funk " I would greatly appreciate hearing them!

Thank you for letting me vent, it helps so much!

hugs to everyone!

> From: Jeanne Amequohi Wahali <amequohiwahali@ yahoo.com>