A post I made to my live journal after someone got mad

[Guest guest]

about me asking other people for advice on something that the original

person said. *grumbles*

Here's the post:

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Just so everyone knows, I have a specific, restricted friends filter,

composed of a group of people who have proven themselves, over time, as

fairly adept at explaining things to me when I don't understand

something (and I'm talking mainly about social-interaction; most other

stuff I can look up in a book).

If I'm not sure whether someone meant to insult me, or if something

someone says to me seems to be coming totally out of left field, I will

often post to this filter and ask " Um, this is what happened; am I out

of line by being irritated? Is there another way to interpret what this

person said? " I rarely if ever name names, and I may quote from emails

or online conversations or my best recollection of spoken conversations

to show what confused and/or upset me. I do my best to preserve

anonymity in all cases.

Absent this tool, my only other option is to go with my assumptions of

what was meant and (probably) start a fight. Or cut off a friendship.

And that may not be necessary. I don't have the internal check-in

mechanisms to figure out what someone might have meant; if the wording

reads to me like " fuck off and die, " then I'm going to assume that's

what was meant unless I can check in with a group of unbiased observers

and get a reality check.

If this bothers you, interaction with me is going to be very difficult,

because this is a necessary tool and I am not giving it up. I do not do

this to say " Oh, look: I'm right and this person is wrong. " Even when

I'm angry, even when I may 'sound' that way (and I put 'sound' in quotes

because I just don't get the tone thing, either), I am not doing this

just to validate my own views. I am doing it to get a reality check, and

to learn. The people in the filter in question are very good at pointing

out my blind spots. Sometimes, I will include one or more of my loves in

the filter (they all have separate filters), sometimes not, because

sometimes I have to do this *about* something one of my loves has said.

This is part of interacting with me. It's a fact of my life. If you are

part of my life, then I need you to trust me when I say that this is not

something I do for self-gratification, validation, or being right. I do

it to figure out why people are so different from me, because absent

that understanding, I can't interact successfully with anyone for any

length of time.

It may seem like I'm angry about something a person said; what it really

is is that I'm angry that I don't understand their perspective. This is

frustrating for me. I need explanations, and I've found that asking an

angry person for explanations of their perspective doesn't get me

anywhere, and often makes things worse. Going to a third party (or

parties, as in this case) is often enormously helpful in understanding

what I did wrong or where I misunderstood the communication in question.

I do not see this as the same thing as gossip. Gossip is talking about

someone behind their back in a malicious manner. I also don't see it as

a breach of confidentiality; I do my best to anonymize everything. If

you see this as gossip or a breach of confidentiality, then I can't

interact with you, because doing so would be detrimental to both of us.

The reason I'm posting this now is because recently, someone saw a post

that was meant to be filtered to this group and accidentally got posted

publically for a short time. It was about them, and they took it

personally (as I would have in their shoes). It read very much like I

was mad at them and wanted to be told I was right and they were wrong;

that's how I often sound when I make these posts, apparently. But that

wasn't the intent behind the post, and I'm just letting you all know

that if you see a post that I've made that did not get filtered when it

should have been, take it with a grain of salt and remember that posts

of that nature are me saying to my trusted group, " I don't get it;

explain this to me, please. "

And I guess that's all I can say. If you choose to be offended, that is

your choice, but my explanation stands.

- - -

So what do you all think? Everyone who friends me knows I'm autistic.

Griff

--

.... The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are

always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. -

Bertrand