Guest guest Posted April 14, 2006 Report Share Posted April 14, 2006 Hi all. My name is and I'm new to the group. I am wondering if anyone in this group is a parent to young children, that could possibly relate to my situation. I find that some of my issues as a single mother have posed especially difficult challenges to the theories of The Work. While I am able to do The Work to help myself feel more ok about the predicaments I face, I find that I'm still frequently overwhelmed with the tasks of doing Everything by myself. How can I feel ok and accepting about being the only one doing everything by myself to meet two young people's needs, entirely? The work that I do is exhausting. I am not only raising them by myself, I homeschool them as well. Their needs are tangible and in no way optional. SOMEbody has to do it (what I do for them) and it's always only me. On top of that challenge, I find that it's very difficult for me to accept that their fathers (each of my two children have a different father) are so uncommitted on the various levels that they are. To make things even trickier - I am married to the father of my second child, but we do not live together. He is involved very little in their lives. The reason we do not live together is b/c he is extremely emotionally abusive. We are trying to work on our marriage, but I find that it's very hard for me to maintain any motivation to stay married to this man when he sees parenthood as primarily my obligation, whilst he explores hobbies and leisure interests of his own. I find that I can accept that about him and feel ok about it (while doing The Work) but only if I sever my connection with him. He is a good person at heart and I love him - I hate to throw away the whole package b/c a part of it is bad, if you know what I mean. Sorry for the novel, folks, and thanks in advance for any feedback you can offer. With love, ~ --------------------------------- Blab-away for as little as 1¢/min. Make PC-to-Phone Calls using Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 14, 2006 Report Share Posted April 14, 2006 Thanks for the reply, Tami. If I had to choose a one-liner, it would be: I need M (my partner's initial) to take more responsibility for the care of this family if he wants to stay in it. Side note: I just want to clarify that I am able to be at peace (through doing The Work) with his lack of self-enforced obligation to us - but only if I don't stay married to him/emotionally close to him, myself. The conflict I'm having is in, for one example, watching him have predictable and diverse variety of leisure time while I'm sweating away and struggling to juggle all the family's work, and then still feeling loving and attractive feelings for him as a partner. ~ Tami wrote: Dear Single mom If you had to choose a 1 liner on what is the thing that gets to you the most What would it be? I need______ to_______. Thank you, T -- Intro Hi all. My name is and I'm new to the group. I am wondering if anyone in this group is a parent to young children, that could possibly relate to my situation. I find that some of my issues as a single mother have posed especially difficult challenges to the theories of The Work. While I am able to do The Work to help myself feel more ok about the predicaments I face, I find that I'm still frequently overwhelmed with the tasks of doing Everything by myself. How can I feel ok and accepting about being the only one doing everything by myself to meet two young people's needs, entirely? The work that I do is exhausting. I am not only raising them by myself, I homeschool them as well. Their needs are tangible and in no way optional. SOMEbody has to do it (what I do for them) and it's always only me. On top of that challenge, I find that it's very difficult for me to accept that their fathers (each of my two children have a different father) are so uncommitted on the various levels that they are. To make things even trickier - I am married to the father of my second child, but we do not live together. He is involved very little in their lives. The reason we do not live together is b/c he is extremely emotionally abusive. We are trying to work on our marriage, but I find that it's very hard for me to maintain any motivation to stay married to this man when he sees parenthood as primarily my obligation, whilst he explores hobbies and leisure interests of his own. I find that I can accept that about him and feel ok about it (while doing The Work) but only if I sever my connection with him. He is a good person at heart and I love him - I hate to throw away the whole package b/c a part of it is bad, if you know what I mean. Sorry for the novel, folks, and thanks in advance for any feedback you can offer. With love, ~ --------------------------------- Blab-away for as little as 1¢/min. Make PC-to-Phone Calls using Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 14, 2006 Report Share Posted April 14, 2006 Dear Single mom If you had to choose a 1 liner on what is the thing that gets to you the most What would it be? I need______ to_______. Thank you, T -- Intro Hi all. My name is and I'm new to the group. I am wondering if anyone in this group is a parent to young children, that could possibly relate to my situation. I find that some of my issues as a single mother have posed especially difficult challenges to the theories of The Work. While I am able to do The Work to help myself feel more ok about the predicaments I face, I find that I'm still frequently overwhelmed with the tasks of doing Everything by myself. How can I feel ok and accepting about being the only one doing everything by myself to meet two young people's needs, entirely? The work that I do is exhausting. I am not only raising them by myself, I homeschool them as well. Their needs are tangible and in no way optional. SOMEbody has to do it (what I do for them) and it's always only me. On top of that challenge, I find that it's very difficult for me to accept that their fathers (each of my two children have a different father) are so uncommitted on the various levels that they are. To make things even trickier - I am married to the father of my second child, but we do not live together. He is involved very little in their lives. The reason we do not live together is b/c he is extremely emotionally abusive. We are trying to work on our marriage, but I find that it's very hard for me to maintain any motivation to stay married to this man when he sees parenthood as primarily my obligation, whilst he explores hobbies and leisure interests of his own. I find that I can accept that about him and feel ok about it (while doing The Work) but only if I sever my connection with him. He is a good person at heart and I love him - I hate to throw away the whole package b/c a part of it is bad, if you know what I mean. Sorry for the novel, folks, and thanks in advance for any feedback you can offer. With love, ~ --------------------------------- Blab-away for as little as 1¢/min. Make PC-to-Phone Calls using Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 14, 2006 Report Share Posted April 14, 2006 You wrote that your husband is emotionally abusive.. i would think the fact he isnt very involved in the kids is best.. as if he was he might end up being abusive to them. - I would do the work on him and on I need help with parenting. But i hope alex writes or maria or steve or tami Also do you have to home school them if you feel overwhelmed ? A break from kids is sometimes good. cant judge for you though of course. love, roslyn -- In Loving-what-is , VitalHarvest wrote: > > Hi all. My name is and I'm new to the group. > > I am wondering if anyone in this group is a parent to young children, that could possibly relate to my situation. > > > > I find that some of my issues as a single mother have posed especially difficult challenges to the theories of The Work. While I am able to do The Work to help myself feel more ok about the predicaments I face, I find that I'm still frequently overwhelmed with the tasks of doing Everything by myself. How can I feel ok and accepting about being the only one doing everything by myself to meet two young people's needs, entirely? > > The work that I do is exhausting. I am not only raising them by myself, I homeschool them as well. Their needs are tangible and in no way optional. SOMEbody has to do it (what I do for them) and it's always only me. On top of that challenge, I find that it's very difficult for me to accept that their fathers (each of my two children have a different father) are so uncommitted on the various levels that they are. > > To make things even trickier - I am married to the father of my second child, but we do not live together. He is involved very little in their lives. The reason we do not live together is b/c he is extremely emotionally abusive. We are trying to work on our marriage, but I find that it's very hard for me to maintain any motivation to stay married to this man when he sees parenthood as primarily my obligation, whilst he explores hobbies and leisure interests of his own. I find that I can accept that about him and feel ok about it (while doing The Work) but only if I sever my connection with him. He is a good person at heart and I love him - I hate to throw away the whole package b/c a part of it is bad, if you know what I mean. > > Sorry for the novel, folks, and thanks in advance for any feedback you can offer. > > > > > With love, > > ~ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > Blab-away for as little as 1¢/min. Make PC-to-Phone Calls using Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 14, 2006 Report Share Posted April 14, 2006 I hear you, and thanks for the turnarounds, Tami. I suppose I should have used the word 'marriage' instead of 'family'. That would be the more accurate word to use, here. B/c, in my marriage - I DO have a choice whether or not to remain, right? Tami wrote: Ok " I need M (my partner's initial) to take more responsibility for the care of this family if he wants to stay in it. " Reality call M is in the family and he will keep on being a part of the family Even when he doesn't take responsibility WHY? Cause he is your child father, dah! So he is a part of the family And the turn around Invites you to join the family by being less judgmental and playing god (you will be a part of this family, only if: a, b, c happens) And more open to what is: I need me to take less responsibility (playing god) If I want to be a part of the family I was just playing here Take it or live it T -- Intro Hi all. My name is and I'm new to the group. I am wondering if anyone in this group is a parent to young children, that Could possibly relate to my situation. I find that some of my issues as a single mother have posed especially Difficult challenges to the theories of The Work. While I am able to do The Work to help myself feel more ok about the predicaments I face, I find that I'm still frequently overwhelmed with the tasks of doing Everything by Myself. How can I feel ok and accepting about being the only one doing Everything by myself to meet two young people's needs, entirely? The work that I do is exhausting. I am not only raising them by myself, I Homeschool them as well. Their needs are tangible and in no way optional. SOMEbody has to do it (what I do for them) and it's always only me. On top Of that challenge, I find that it's very difficult for me to accept that Their fathers (each of my two children have a different father) are so Uncommitted on the various levels that they are. To make things even trickier - I am married to the father of my second Child, but we do not live together. He is involved very little in their Lives. The reason we do not live together is b/c he is extremely Emotionally abusive. We are trying to work on our marriage, but I find that it's very hard for me to maintain any motivation to stay married to this man When he sees parenthood as primarily my obligation, whilst he explores Hobbies and leisure interests of his own. I find that I can accept that About him and feel ok about it (while doing The Work) but only if I sever my Connection with him. He is a good person at heart and I love him - I hate To throw away the whole package b/c a part of it is bad, if you know what I Mean. Sorry for the novel, folks, and thanks in advance for any feedback you can Offer. With love, ~ --------------------------------- Blab-away for as little as 1¢/min. Make PC-to-Phone Calls using Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 14, 2006 Report Share Posted April 14, 2006 You cant force someone to be interested in their kids.. I have a funny story i went to all my 2 sons open houses at school Kindergarten to twelfth grade.. When my son was a senior in high school my husband went to an open house with me and he enjoyed it.. he never got a chance to go to one again ever.. as it was my sons last year. oh well. I never felt he did enough with our kids either .. His dad had not with him either and so he never had a role model that did. I drove them to soccer ,boyscouts ,hebrew school, baseball , basketball watched the games etc. they were not in those things all at once -one at a time oh well.. they still love their dad. And a pushy dad i think would be worse. love, roslyn -- In Loving-what-is , VitalHarvest wrote: > > Thanks for the reply, Tami. > > > If I had to choose a one-liner, it would be: > > > I need M (my partner's initial) to take more responsibility for the care of this family if he wants to stay in it. > > > > Side note: > > I just want to clarify that I am able to be at peace (through doing The Work) with his lack of self-enforced obligation to us - but only if I don't stay married to him/emotionally close to him, myself. The conflict I'm having is in, for one example, watching him have predictable and diverse variety of leisure time while I'm sweating away and struggling to juggle all the family's work, and then still feeling loving and attractive feelings for him as a partner. > > > ~ > > > > > > > > > Tami wrote: > Dear Single mom > > If you had to choose a 1 liner on what is the thing that gets to you the > most > What would it be? > > I need______ to_______. > > Thank you, T > > -- Intro > > Hi all. My name is and I'm new to the group. > > I am wondering if anyone in this group is a parent to young children, that > could possibly relate to my situation. > > > > I find that some of my issues as a single mother have posed especially > difficult challenges to the theories of The Work. While I am able to do The > Work to help myself feel more ok about the predicaments I face, I find that > I'm still frequently overwhelmed with the tasks of doing Everything by > myself. How can I feel ok and accepting about being the only one doing > everything by myself to meet two young people's needs, entirely? > > The work that I do is exhausting. I am not only raising them by myself, I > homeschool them as well. Their needs are tangible and in no way optional. > SOMEbody has to do it (what I do for them) and it's always only me. On top > of that challenge, I find that it's very difficult for me to accept that > their fathers (each of my two children have a different father) are so > uncommitted on the various levels that they are. > > To make things even trickier - I am married to the father of my second > child, but we do not live together. He is involved very little in their > lives. The reason we do not live together is b/c he is extremely > emotionally abusive. We are trying to work on our marriage, but I find that > it's very hard for me to maintain any motivation to stay married to this man > when he sees parenthood as primarily my obligation, whilst he explores > hobbies and leisure interests of his own. I find that I can accept that > about him and feel ok about it (while doing The Work) but only if I sever my > connection with him. He is a good person at heart and I love him - I hate > to throw away the whole package b/c a part of it is bad, if you know what I > mean. > > Sorry for the novel, folks, and thanks in advance for any feedback you can > offer. > > > > > With love, > > ~ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > Blab-away for as little as 1¢/min. Make PC-to-Phone Calls using Yahoo! > Messenger with Voice. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 14, 2006 Report Share Posted April 14, 2006 That's cool. Thanks for your assistance! Tami wrote: Oh Marriage... I am not the one to ask Cause I tend to date married man Lovethework is the expert in marriage Maybe he could be more helpful than me Love, T -- Intro Hi all. My name is and I'm new to the group. I am wondering if anyone in this group is a parent to young children, that Could possibly relate to my situation. I find that some of my issues as a single mother have posed especially Difficult challenges to the theories of The Work. While I am able to do The Work to help myself feel more ok about the predicaments I face, I find that I'm still frequently overwhelmed with the tasks of doing Everything by Myself. How can I feel ok and accepting about being the only one doing Everything by myself to meet two young people's needs, entirely? The work that I do is exhausting. I am not only raising them by myself, I Homeschool them as well. Their needs are tangible and in no way optional. SOMEbody has to do it (what I do for them) and it's always only me. On top Of that challenge, I find that it's very difficult for me to accept that Their fathers (each of my two children have a different father) are so Uncommitted on the various levels that they are. To make things even trickier - I am married to the father of my second Child, but we do not live together. He is involved very little in their Lives. The reason we do not live together is b/c he is extremely Emotionally abusive. We are trying to work on our marriage, but I find that it's very hard for me to maintain any motivation to stay married to this man When he sees parenthood as primarily my obligation, whilst he explores Hobbies and leisure interests of his own. I find that I can accept that About him and feel ok about it (while doing The Work) but only if I sever my Connection with him. He is a good person at heart and I love him - I hate To throw away the whole package b/c a part of it is bad, if you know what I Mean. Sorry for the novel, folks, and thanks in advance for any feedback you can Offer. With love, ~ --------------------------------- Blab-away for as little as 1¢/min. Make PC-to-Phone Calls using Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 14, 2006 Report Share Posted April 14, 2006 Ok " I need M (my partner's initial) to take more responsibility for the care of this family if he wants to stay in it. " Reality call M is in the family and he will keep on being a part of the family Even when he doesn't take responsibility WHY? Cause he is your child father, dah! So he is a part of the family And the turn around Invites you to join the family by being less judgmental and playing god (you will be a part of this family, only if: a, b, c happens) And more open to what is: I need me to take less responsibility (playing god) If I want to be a part of the family I was just playing here Take it or live it T -- Intro Hi all. My name is and I'm new to the group. I am wondering if anyone in this group is a parent to young children, that Could possibly relate to my situation. I find that some of my issues as a single mother have posed especially Difficult challenges to the theories of The Work. While I am able to do The Work to help myself feel more ok about the predicaments I face, I find that I'm still frequently overwhelmed with the tasks of doing Everything by Myself. How can I feel ok and accepting about being the only one doing Everything by myself to meet two young people's needs, entirely? The work that I do is exhausting. I am not only raising them by myself, I Homeschool them as well. Their needs are tangible and in no way optional. SOMEbody has to do it (what I do for them) and it's always only me. On top Of that challenge, I find that it's very difficult for me to accept that Their fathers (each of my two children have a different father) are so Uncommitted on the various levels that they are. To make things even trickier - I am married to the father of my second Child, but we do not live together. He is involved very little in their Lives. The reason we do not live together is b/c he is extremely Emotionally abusive. We are trying to work on our marriage, but I find that it's very hard for me to maintain any motivation to stay married to this man When he sees parenthood as primarily my obligation, whilst he explores Hobbies and leisure interests of his own. I find that I can accept that About him and feel ok about it (while doing The Work) but only if I sever my Connection with him. He is a good person at heart and I love him - I hate To throw away the whole package b/c a part of it is bad, if you know what I Mean. Sorry for the novel, folks, and thanks in advance for any feedback you can Offer. With love, ~ --------------------------------- Blab-away for as little as 1¢/min. Make PC-to-Phone Calls using Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 14, 2006 Report Share Posted April 14, 2006 Oh Marriage... I am not the one to ask Cause I tend to date married man Lovethework is the expert in marriage Maybe he could be more helpful than me Love, T -- Intro Hi all. My name is and I'm new to the group. I am wondering if anyone in this group is a parent to young children, that Could possibly relate to my situation. I find that some of my issues as a single mother have posed especially Difficult challenges to the theories of The Work. While I am able to do The Work to help myself feel more ok about the predicaments I face, I find that I'm still frequently overwhelmed with the tasks of doing Everything by Myself. How can I feel ok and accepting about being the only one doing Everything by myself to meet two young people's needs, entirely? The work that I do is exhausting. I am not only raising them by myself, I Homeschool them as well. Their needs are tangible and in no way optional. SOMEbody has to do it (what I do for them) and it's always only me. On top Of that challenge, I find that it's very difficult for me to accept that Their fathers (each of my two children have a different father) are so Uncommitted on the various levels that they are. To make things even trickier - I am married to the father of my second Child, but we do not live together. He is involved very little in their Lives. The reason we do not live together is b/c he is extremely Emotionally abusive. We are trying to work on our marriage, but I find that it's very hard for me to maintain any motivation to stay married to this man When he sees parenthood as primarily my obligation, whilst he explores Hobbies and leisure interests of his own. I find that I can accept that About him and feel ok about it (while doing The Work) but only if I sever my Connection with him. He is a good person at heart and I love him - I hate To throw away the whole package b/c a part of it is bad, if you know what I Mean. Sorry for the novel, folks, and thanks in advance for any feedback you can Offer. With love, ~ --------------------------------- Blab-away for as little as 1¢/min. Make PC-to-Phone Calls using Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 15, 2006 Report Share Posted April 15, 2006 Dear Vital, Am 14.04.2006 um 23:54 schrieb VitalHarvest: > Thanks for the reply, Tami. > > > If I had to choose a one-liner, it would be: > > > I need M (my partner's initial) to take more responsibility for > the care of this family if he wants to stay in it. > > > > Side note: > > I just want to clarify that I am able to be at peace (through > doing The Work) with his lack of self-enforced obligation to us - > but only if I don't stay married to him/emotionally close to him, > myself. > The conflict I'm having is in, for one example, watching him have > predictable and diverse variety of leisure time while I'm sweating > away and struggling to juggle all the family's work, and then still > feeling loving and attractive feelings for him as a partner. Well, of course. Because you think you are doing what you think he should do. What would it look like to YOU if he took more responsibility for the care of this family. He should do more with the kids? He should help in the household? what for? What would improve? > ~ Love, ___________________________________________________________ Telefonate ohne weitere Kosten vom PC zum PC: http://messenger.yahoo.de Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 15, 2006 Report Share Posted April 15, 2006 Hi , Am 14.04.2006 um 21:19 schrieb VitalHarvest: > Hi all. My name is and I'm new to the group. > > I am wondering if anyone in this group is a parent to young > children, that could possibly relate to my situation. Yes, they are 4 and 7. > I find that some of my issues as a single mother have posed > especially difficult challenges to the theories of The Work. The work is practice. Not theory. Attempts to " understand " the work are fruitless. And futile. > While I am able to do The Work to help myself feel more ok about > the predicaments I face, I find that I'm still frequently > overwhelmed with the tasks of doing Everything by myself. How can > I feel ok and accepting about being the only one doing everything > by myself to meet two young people's needs, entirely? Ok, list their needs you are taking care of. Let's start with that. Don't " try " to feel ok. Be honest, instead. > The work that I do is exhausting. Yes, it is. > I am not only raising them by myself, I homeschool them as well. > Their needs are tangible and in no way optional. SOMEbody has to > do it (what I do for them) and it's always only me. That's *very* sweet of you. I like that. You sound like a very loving mother. > On top of that challenge, I find that it's very difficult for me to > accept that their fathers (each of my two children have a different > father) are so uncommitted on the various levels that they are. I'd say it is even MORE difficult not to accept it. List all the things they are uncommited towards. > To make things even trickier - I am married to the father of my > second child, but we do not live together. He is involved very > little in their lives. The reason we do not live together is b/c > he is extremely emotionally abusive. List some ways that he is. Doing a work on " he is emotionally abusive " , does not free him of his responsibilities in any way. And it may help to take a close look on how to access your freedom. > We are trying to work on our marriage, but I find that it's very > hard for me to maintain any motivation to stay married to this man > when > he sees parenthood as primarily my obligation, turn that around. > whilst he explores hobbies and leisure interests of his own. I > find that I can accept that about him and feel ok about it (while > doing The Work) but only if I sever my connection with him. Well, " feeling ok " is a start. And it is not nearly enough. > He is a good person at heart and I love him - I hate to throw away > the whole package b/c a part of it is bad, if you know what I mean. Yes, I know what you mean. And take a closer look at the bad part. > Sorry for the novel, folks, Well, make it longer. > > and thanks in advance for any feedback you can offer. You're welcome. > With love, > > ~ Love, ___________________________________________________________ Gesendet von Yahoo! Mail - Jetzt mit 1GB Speicher kostenlos - Hier anmelden: http://mail.yahoo.de Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 15, 2006 Report Share Posted April 15, 2006 wrote: Hi , Am 14.04.2006 um 21:19 schrieb VitalHarvest: > Hi all. My name is and I'm new to the group. > > I am wondering if anyone in this group is a parent to young > children, that could possibly relate to my situation. Yes, they are 4 and 7. I'm sure you know a lot about what I'm saying, then. > I find that some of my issues as a single mother have posed > especially difficult challenges to the theories of The Work. The work is practice. Not theory. Attempts to " understand " the work are fruitless. And futile. > While I am able to do The Work to help myself feel more ok about > the predicaments I face, I find that I'm still frequently > overwhelmed with the tasks of doing Everything by myself. How can > I feel ok and accepting about being the only one doing everything > by myself to meet two young people's needs, entirely? Ok, list their needs you are taking care of. Let's start with that. - Feed them EVERY DAY - Wash their dishes EVERY DAY - Wash their clothes EVERY DAY - Clean and care for their home EVERY DAY - Educate them EVERY DAY - Drive them to their classes almost EVERY DAY - Drive them to play dates almost EVERY DAY - Juggle and arrange their schedules EVERY DAY - Run errands to stores all over town, WITH them, to buy things that they need such as food, clothes, school supplies, sporting/music supplies, etc. - Take them to the doctor when they need it - Many other things that are smaller. Don't " try " to feel ok. Be honest, instead. This is very good guidance. I can really see the point you make there. So, let me ask you a question - when we're 'loving what is' does that sometimes mean to move on/away from someone b/c we've accepted the truth about us/them/our relationship together and that truth is that we aren't meant to be together or that our work together has been completed? > The work that I do is exhausting. Yes, it is. > I am not only raising them by myself, I homeschool them as well. > Their needs are tangible and in no way optional. SOMEbody has to > do it (what I do for them) and it's always only me. That's *very* sweet of you. I like that. You sound like a very loving mother. Thank you, that's nice to hear. > On top of that challenge, I find that it's very difficult for me to > accept that their fathers (each of my two children have a different > father) are so uncommitted on the various levels that they are. I'd say it is even MORE difficult not to accept it. True, but... the conflict is the staying-married part. With my first child's father - I am at peace about his lack of involvement exactly b/c I'm not having a close relationship with him, myself. In fact, I actually feel happiness that he is so uninvolved b/c I get to make all the choices my way! But with my husband, well, I'm trying to maintain a close and loving relationship with him, so I feel like it's only fair that he carry some of the weight around here. List all the things they are uncommited towards. Literally everything listed above. > To make things even trickier - I am married to the father of my > second child, but we do not live together. He is involved very > little in their lives. The reason we do not live together is b/c > he is extremely emotionally abusive. List some ways that he is. Perfect example: When I needed help and asked for it, yesterday, he got defensive, aggressive and adversarial (typical for whenever I ask him for anything from him, no matter how gently and respectfully I request it)and started beating his chest (his ego screaming) that he already does things with them such as play board games and that I never play board games with them. I felt so angry! Uh, yeah, I don't play board games with them - that is correct. HOWEVER, I do everything on the list I made, above, and more EVERY SINGLE DAY - none of which he does! And he chooses to point out that I don't play board games with them?! It's like - he doesn't ever compliment my mothering or say what a good job I'm doing or ANYTHING EVER along those lines (even though I've expressed my need for that from him)and yet he's perfectly willing to rub my face in the slightest perceived flaw in his eyes such as me not playing board games with them. I felt so unheard, so disrespected, so unloved! It really hurt that he'd use that as a weapon. That's what he frequently does - uses his personal energy/power as a weapon. Another example - when I ask for things such as help from him, he ARGUES like crazy till I'm sorry I ever asked. Frequently, I'll call up another single mother friend of mine and we trade help. But I feel disgusted with him, afterwards, when I see how two highly-challenged women have to depend on each other while he just coasts through his sterile, controlled, childless world. Again - I could be at peace about it if he weren't my PARTNER, but, being that he IS my partner - I feel highly repulsed at these times. It just is disgraceful to me. Doing a work on " he is emotionally abusive " , does not free him of his responsibilities in any way. And it may help to take a close look on how to access your freedom. What do you mean by this? I am especially interested in this part, here, that you say. I have done some work on the emotional abuse, already, and the truth that I've found inside me is that I do it to myself, too, sometimes. When I realized that, I started to practice behaving better toward myself. Once I started behaving better toward myself, I felt less attracted, less CONNECTED with him. I felt distant but peaceful. I think I am afraid that there is this truth in me that he is not who I am supposed to be with, romantically. On the subject of being honest instead of being 'ok' - is honest sometimes to turn away from? With the work - do we always have to stay/accept? > We are trying to work on our marriage, but I find that it's very > hard for me to maintain any motivation to stay married to this man > when > he sees parenthood as primarily my obligation, turn that around. > whilst he explores hobbies and leisure interests of his own. I > find that I can accept that about him and feel ok about it (while > doing The Work) but only if I sever my connection with him. Well, " feeling ok " is a start. And it is not nearly enough. > He is a good person at heart and I love him - I hate to throw away > the whole package b/c a part of it is bad, if you know what I mean. Yes, I know what you mean. And take a closer look at the bad part. > Sorry for the novel, folks, Well, make it longer. Hee hee. > > and thanks in advance for any feedback you can offer. You're welcome. > With love, > > ~ Love, ___________________________________________________________ Gesendet von Yahoo! Mail - Jetzt mit 1GB Speicher kostenlos - Hier anmelden: http://mail.yahoo.de Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 15, 2006 Report Share Posted April 15, 2006 Hi , > > Am 14.04.2006 um 21:19 schrieb VitalHarvest: > > > Hi all. My name is and I'm new to the group. > > > > I am wondering if anyone in this group is a parent to young > > children, that could possibly relate to my situation. > Yes, they are 4 and 7. > > > > I'm sure you know a lot about what I'm saying, then. > > > > > I find that some of my issues as a single mother have posed > > especially difficult challenges to the theories of The Work. > The work is practice. Not theory. Attempts to " understand " the work > are fruitless. And futile. > > > While I am able to do The Work to help myself feel more ok about > > the predicaments I face, I find that I'm still frequently > > overwhelmed with the tasks of doing Everything by myself. How can > > I feel ok and accepting about being the only one doing everything > > by myself to meet two young people's needs, entirely? > Ok, list their needs you are taking care of. Let's start with that. > > - Feed them EVERY DAY > - Wash their dishes EVERY DAY > - Wash their clothes EVERY DAY > - Clean and care for their home EVERY DAY > - Educate them EVERY DAY > - Drive them to their classes almost EVERY DAY > - Drive them to play dates almost EVERY DAY > - Juggle and arrange their schedules EVERY DAY > - Run errands to stores all over town, WITH them, to buy things that they need such as food, clothes, school supplies, sporting/music supplies, etc. > - Take them to the doctor when they need it > - Many other things that are smaller. > > > > > > Don't " try " to feel ok. Be honest, instead. > > > This is very good guidance. I can really see the point you make there. So, let me ask you a question - when we're 'loving what is' does that sometimes mean to move on/away from someone b/c we've accepted the truth about us/them/our relationship together and that truth is that we aren't meant to be together or that our work together has been completed? > > > > > The work that I do is exhausting. > Yes, it is. > > > I am not only raising them by myself, I homeschool them as well. > > Their needs are tangible and in no way optional. SOMEbody has to > > do it (what I do for them) and it's always only me. > That's *very* sweet of you. I like that. You sound like a very loving > mother. > > > Thank you, that's nice to hear. > > > > On top of that challenge, I find that it's very difficult for me to > > accept that their fathers (each of my two children have a different > > father) are so uncommitted on the various levels that they are. > > > I'd say it is even MORE difficult not to accept it. > > True, but... the conflict is the staying-married part. > > With my first child's father - I am at peace about his lack of involvement exactly b/c I'm not having a close relationship with him, myself. In fact, I actually feel happiness that he is so uninvolved b/c I get to make all the choices my way! But with my husband, well, I'm trying to maintain a close and loving relationship with him, so I feel like it's only fair that he carry some of the weight around here. > > > > List all the things they are uncommited towards. > > > Literally everything listed above. > > > > > > To make things even trickier - I am married to the father of my > > second child, but we do not live together. He is involved very > > little in their lives. The reason we do not live together is b/c > > he is extremely emotionally abusive. > > > > List some ways that he is. > > > Perfect example: > > When I needed help and asked for it, yesterday, he got defensive, aggressive and adversarial (typical for whenever I ask him for anything from him, no matter how gently and respectfully I request it)and started beating his chest (his ego screaming) that he already does things with them such as play board games and that I never play board games with them. I felt so angry! Uh, yeah, I don't play board games with them - that is correct. HOWEVER, I do everything on the list I made, above, and more EVERY SINGLE DAY - none of which he does! And he chooses to point out that I don't play board games with them?! It's like - he doesn't ever compliment my mothering or say what a good job I'm doing or ANYTHING EVER along those lines (even though I've expressed my need for that from him) and yet he's perfectly willing to rub my face in the slightest perceived flaw in his eyes such as me not playing board games with them. I felt so unheard, so disrespected, so unloved! It really > hurt that he'd use that as a weapon. > > That's what he frequently does - uses his personal energy/power as a weapon. > > Another example - when I ask for things such as help from him, he ARGUES like crazy till I'm sorry I ever asked. Frequently, I'll call up another single mother friend of mine and we trade help. But I feel disgusted with him, afterwards, when I see how two highly- challenged women have to depend on each other while he just coasts through his sterile, controlled, childless world. Again - I could be at peace about it if he weren't my PARTNER, but, being that he IS my partner - I feel highly repulsed at these times. It just is disgraceful to me. > > > > > > Doing a work on " he is emotionally abusive " , does not free him of his > responsibilities in any way. And it may help to take a close look on > how to access your freedom. > > > > > What do you mean by this? I am especially interested in this part, here, that you say. I have done some work on the emotional abuse, already, and the truth that I've found inside me is that I do it to myself, too, sometimes. When I realized that, I started to practice behaving better toward myself. Once I started behaving better toward myself, I felt less attracted, less CONNECTED with him. I felt distant but peaceful. I think I am afraid that there is this truth in me that he is not who I am supposed to be with, romantically. > > On the subject of being honest instead of being 'ok' - is honest sometimes to turn away from? With the work - do we always have to stay/accept? > > > > > We are trying to work on our marriage, but I find that it's very > > hard for me to maintain any motivation to stay married to this man > > when > > > he sees parenthood as primarily my obligation, > turn that around. > > > whilst he explores hobbies and leisure interests of his own. I > > find that I can accept that about him and feel ok about it (while > > doing The Work) but only if I sever my connection with him. > Well, " feeling ok " is a start. And it is not nearly enough. > > > He is a good person at heart and I love him - I hate to throw away > > the whole package b/c a part of it is bad, if you know what I mean. > Yes, I know what you mean. And take a closer look at the bad part. > > > Sorry for the novel, folks, > Well, make it longer. > > Hee hee. > > > > > and thanks in advance for any feedback you can offer. > You're welcome. > > > With love, > > > > ~ > Love, > > > > > > > > > > > ___________________________________________________________ > Gesendet von Yahoo! Mail - Jetzt mit 1GB Speicher kostenlos - Hier anmelden: http://mail.yahoo.de > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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