Re: new to group and need support

[Guest guest]

" But I am so fed up, I don't know if I can put up with this stuff. Part of me

just wants my mom, at any cost, like a little kid, but the adult in me looks at

my own family now and wants to run away from her screaming, sick of this and

wanting to shield my 1 yr old from a crazy grandma.I don't know if that's a

clear answer... I guess I need to figure out what I want from our relationship.

Thanks. Grace "

Dear Grace, I just wanted to share my experiences with you. I did not know 40

years ago about BPD. I just knew that my mother was hateful to me, I walked

around on eggshells when I was around her. She told other people what a big

help I was at home; she never ever complimented me in person. I was stunned

when other adults said " you mom says such nice things about you " That is not

the way my mother treated me. I just knew that when I was around her I did not

feel good about myself and would be depressed after visiting or talking to her

on the phone. Fast forward 35 years: my stepfather died and I felt there was a

chance that bridges could be mended. I did visit during the 35 year perod and

wrote (infrequently) and sent cards on holidays.

There was a period of ten years when we did not see each other at all; I was

raising a large family on a very modest income. Nada had a lot going on in her

life also: raising two boys (my half brothers and my stepfather had a heart

attack with a slow recovery)

At the 35 year mark (death of stepfather), I made a sincere effort to

establish a relationship with her. I felt that time was running out; we were

both much older and we did not have much time left to have a relationship. I

began calling her once a week, sometimes twice a week. I did notice that when I

called, nada talked for 20 minutes, when nada called the conversation was 5

minutes long. I preferred calling her in a random pattern; I found that when I

told nada I would call at xx time, that nada would be waiting for the call and

unload on me. The conversation would be one sided and very negative.

The last five years were up and down; there were times the relationship had

some positive things happen. Overwhelmingly the BPD behavior was front and

center and pretty much ran the show

I am weary of her antics. She has never really been interested in me as a

person, only as an extension of her. She felt and expressed thoughts that I was

her possession and I would never be able to meet her standards. She never took

responsibility of anything she said or did.

In looking back, I am glad I did not let my children spend much time with her

and stepfather. I am grateful we lived far enough away that visiting was not

convenient. My adult children have had limited contact with her. Several of my

children are of modest means and nada wants nothing to do with them and has been

verbally abusive to them on several occasions. The children that are well off

financially, nada courts and coos over them until it is sickening.

A funny story: nada was verbally abusive to one of my daughters. My daughter

is the kind of person that is straight up and if you ask her what she is

thinking, she will tell you. When nada began a very ugly tirade at this

daughter, the buck stopped right there. The daughter told her in no uncertain

terms she had no right to speak to her like that and much much more.

When I visited nada, there were no pictures of this daughter nor of her

children. Daughter had been sending Christmas pictures for years. Nada did

have a picture of this daughter’s ex husband (who was abusive) and nada walking

together. When I told nada that daughter would be upset if she saw ex-husband’s

pictures and none of daughter’s children, nada stated “too bad.”

This daughter told me recently when nada came thru our area (courtesy of

younger brother) that she could not see her because of her work schedule. I

told her that she should do what is best for her. She was quiet for a while and

then said “mom, I do no do evil, and she is evil.”

I use to think that if I had “blown up, or told off” nada, our relationship

would be much better. Now I know this is just my fantasy of having a real

mother. It ain’t gonna happen.

I withdrew from nada November 2005 and have had very little contact with her

this year. I find that even a phone call with no histronics triggers such

negative emotions for me, that I am not calling her at this time. The price for

me emotionally is simply too high. In November 2005, she called me 10 times in

one day (this was a first for her) and then left a message that she would never

call me again; and she has not called.

At one time, nada would call, let the phone ring for one time and hang up. I

have caller ID; so I would call her back. She denied calling. When I discussed

with a cousin, the cousin stated “you mom says you will not answer her phone

calls”. Nada left a message with one son and then denied that she had called.

I am weary of coping with her poison and negative attitude. I do not have to

call her or make a decision to visit her today. Maybe I will call, and maybe I

won’t. I just know I deserve to be treated with respect and it will never come

from nada.

Just stuff from my side. Blessings, mg

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

Thanks for your message... your comment about " righteous

indignation " is so on the money... that is HER to a tee. She gets up

on this high horse and it's just nuts. She used to call herself " the

queen " when we lived at home. And if you're on her bad side, she

expects you to come crawling back.

" Victim mentality " is also so, so true. Wow. Everyone against her,

everyone misunderstands her, and she is just trying to be honest and

true and blah blah. Ironically, she has used that same phrase when

bashing her mother-in-law to me. That's the pot calling the kettle

black.

Oh, I hope I didn't make it sound like my sister has a bad role in

this... she had lunch w/ them (alone) for the first time in years,

and I actually picked her brain on how it went. I'm glad to know

though, that my suspicions were right... not that I WANT to be

talked about, but I knew I would be so it's just that I was relieved

in the sense that I know I'm not being suspicious and paranoid. I

just know my nada and how it is to be on her bad side.

You have some really excellent points. Thanks so much. You'll have

to keep me posted on your situation. Thanks!

Grace

> > > >

> > > > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with

a

> > BP

> > > > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for

a

> > > year

> > > > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

> > > coaster

> > > > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > > > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she

> left

> > > my

> > > > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that

I'm

> > not

> > > > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also

> so

> > > > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids,

> and

> > > was

> > > > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

> > > treated

> > > > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

> > sister,

> > > > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone

> > else.

> > > > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost

> everyone.

> > I

> > > > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD

> traits,

> > > > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> > > > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first

real " blow-

> > > out, "

> > > > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

> > > Things

> > > > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

> > fighting

> > > > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

> > > fighting

> > > > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> > > > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > > > I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

> > > myself,

> > > > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld

> in

> > > over

> > > > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call

ended

> w/

> > > her

> > > > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > > > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my

> mom

> > > > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I

know

> > > > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out...

> > it's

> > > so

> > > > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2

> > months

> > > > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see

> them

> > > for

> > > > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk

> about

> > > it

> > > > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but

didn't

> > tell

> > > > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a

manipulation

> > > thing.

> > > > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up,

no

> > one

> > > > would believe all this.

> > > > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel

> like

> > > it's

> > > > all going to explode anytime.

> > > > Grace

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sylvia,

Thanks for the encouragement... FOG, to a tee. I know it, I'm just

trying to deal with it. :-)

Yes, wonderful and stressful is the way to put it. I'm glad to be

here.

Grace

> >

> > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a

BP

> > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

> year

> > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

> coaster

> > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left

> my

> > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm

not

> > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

> > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and

> was

> > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

> treated

> > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

sister,

> > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone

else.

> > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone.

I

> > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

> > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

> out, "

> > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

> Things

> > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

fighting

> > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

> fighting

> > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

> myself,

> > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in

> over

> > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/

> her

> > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

> > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out...

it's

> so

> > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2

months

> > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them

> for

> > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about

> it

> > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't

tell

> > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

> thing.

> > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no

one

> > would believe all this.

> > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like

> it's

> > all going to explode anytime.

> > Grace

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Grace, I found so much of what you said very interesting especially

this, " I honestly think that the more I became like her, the more

people disliked me (my family, my friends) and then I had only her

to go to. You know, actually I think this is the first time I

thought of

it like like that. It's true. And then the opposite happened. I

moved out, got some space, and thought for myself. All of a sudden I

had friends. "

It was kind of the same for me. My nada was always mad at people and

organizations like I mentioned. I pretty much stayed out of it. This

made her very mad. But when all heck broke loose and I went n/c with

my nada it was funny all these people who nada hated were suddenly

rooting for me and telling me things that I never knew. I was

shocked at the love and support I got. I tried to apologize to them

for even being associated with her but they always said you had no

choice you never could hear another way. It was like all these

people were waiting for me to break away. They could see it was

going to happen. I tried to tell my sister this in an email and my

nada got a hold of it. She was livid telling me she would show it to

the courts saying I was saying bad things about her. Never mind my

nada was the one saying slanderous things about my family what I

said was true I only said who she had disputes with I never said

anything else. My nada one the other hand made up radical lies out

of the air with out a leg to stand on. So I let her have her letter

when we ended up in court it held no value for her in fact they

never even showed it because I think it would have worked in my

favor showing she is not a peaceful person. But it is amazing how

angry they are and how they want us to be the same way and end up

helpless with no friends so we are bound to them. Thank God every

day for freedom. I know even if my parents were to divorce she would

still be able to destroy my father so really I am not sure what is

the best solution I really don't care to be honest. To me they are

already gone. Well thanks for the chat I am glad you are here Love

Lizzy

> > >

> > > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a

> BP

> > > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

> > year

> > > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

> > coaster

> > > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she

left

> > my

> > > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm

> not

> > > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also

so

> > > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids,

and

> > was

> > > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

> > treated

> > > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

> sister,

> > > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone

> else.

> > > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost

everyone.

> I

> > > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD

traits,

> > > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> > > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

> > out, "

> > > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

> > Things

> > > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

> fighting

> > > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

> > fighting

> > > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> > > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > > I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

> > myself,

> > > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld

in

> > over

> > > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended

w/

> > her

> > > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my

mom

> > > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> > > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out...

> it's

> > so

> > > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2

> months

> > > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see

them

> > for

> > > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk

about

> > it

> > > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't

> tell

> > > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

> > thing.

> > > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no

> one

> > > would believe all this.

> > > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel

like

> > it's

> > > all going to explode anytime.

> > > Grace

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

MG,

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like it has been really

hard on your family. Thank you for helping me to realize that this

can and will affect more people than just myself, and though we only

have child (for now) who is only 1, they grow up quickly.

Thanks for sharing... it helps to hear your story, and gives me some

things to think about. I am feeling less trapped these days,

realizing that the world will not end if I do set some boundaries

with my mom, and if she reacts negativly and stops talking to me,

life will go on. Thanks for sharing. :-)

Grace

>

> " But I am so fed up, I don't know if I can put up with this stuff.

Part of me just wants my mom, at any cost, like a little kid, but

the adult in me looks at my own family now and wants to run away

from her screaming, sick of this and wanting to shield my 1 yr old

from a crazy grandma.I don't know if that's a clear answer... I

guess I need to figure out what I want from our

relationship. Thanks. Grace "

>

> Dear Grace, I just wanted to share my experiences with you. I

did not know 40 years ago about BPD. I just knew that my mother

was hateful to me, I walked around on eggshells when I was around

her. She told other people what a big help I was at home; she never

ever complimented me in person. I was stunned when other adults

said " you mom says such nice things about you " That is not the way

my mother treated me. I just knew that when I was around her I did

not feel good about myself and would be depressed after visiting or

talking to her on the phone. Fast forward 35 years: my stepfather

died and I felt there was a chance that bridges could be mended. I

did visit during the 35 year perod and wrote (infrequently) and sent

cards on holidays.

>

> There was a period of ten years when we did not see each other

at all; I was raising a large family on a very modest income. Nada

had a lot going on in her life also: raising two boys (my half

brothers and my stepfather had a heart attack with a slow recovery)

>

> At the 35 year mark (death of stepfather), I made a sincere

effort to establish a relationship with her. I felt that time was

running out; we were both much older and we did not have much time

left to have a relationship. I began calling her once a week,

sometimes twice a week. I did notice that when I called, nada

talked for 20 minutes, when nada called the conversation was 5

minutes long. I preferred calling her in a random pattern; I found

that when I told nada I would call at xx time, that nada would be

waiting for the call and unload on me. The conversation would be

one sided and very negative.

>

> The last five years were up and down; there were times the

relationship had some positive things happen. Overwhelmingly the

BPD behavior was front and center and pretty much ran the show

>

> I am weary of her antics. She has never really been interested

in me as a person, only as an extension of her. She felt and

expressed thoughts that I was her possession and I would never be

able to meet her standards. She never took responsibility of

anything she said or did.

>

> In looking back, I am glad I did not let my children spend much

time with her and stepfather. I am grateful we lived far enough

away that visiting was not convenient. My adult children have had

limited contact with her. Several of my children are of modest

means and nada wants nothing to do with them and has been verbally

abusive to them on several occasions. The children that are well

off financially, nada courts and coos over them until it is

sickening.

>

> A funny story: nada was verbally abusive to one of my

daughters. My daughter is the kind of person that is straight up

and if you ask her what she is thinking, she will tell you. When

nada began a very ugly tirade at this daughter, the buck stopped

right there. The daughter told her in no uncertain terms she had no

right to speak to her like that and much much more.

>

> When I visited nada, there were no pictures of this daughter nor

of her children. Daughter had been sending Christmas pictures for

years. Nada did have a picture of this daughter's ex husband (who

was abusive) and nada walking together. When I told nada that

daughter would be upset if she saw ex-husband's pictures and none of

daughter's children, nada stated " too bad. "

>

> This daughter told me recently when nada came thru our area

(courtesy of younger brother) that she could not see her because of

her work schedule. I told her that she should do what is best for

her. She was quiet for a while and then said " mom, I do no do evil,

and she is evil. "

>

> I use to think that if I had " blown up, or told off " nada, our

relationship would be much better. Now I know this is just my

fantasy of having a real mother. It ain't gonna happen.

>

> I withdrew from nada November 2005 and have had very little

contact with her this year. I find that even a phone call with no

histronics triggers such negative emotions for me, that I am not

calling her at this time. The price for me emotionally is simply too

high. In November 2005, she called me 10 times in one day (this

was a first for her) and then left a message that she would never

call me again; and she has not called.

>

> At one time, nada would call, let the phone ring for one time

and hang up. I have caller ID; so I would call her back. She

denied calling. When I discussed with a cousin, the cousin

stated " you mom says you will not answer her phone calls " . Nada

left a message with one son and then denied that she had called.

>

> I am weary of coping with her poison and negative attitude. I

do not have to call her or make a decision to visit her today.

Maybe I will call, and maybe I won't. I just know I deserve to be

treated with respect and it will never come from nada.

>

> Just stuff from my side. Blessings, mg

>

>

>

>

>