Re: new to group and need support

October 16, 2006

I'm sorry you are riding this rollercoaster; it's awful isn't it?

Have you seen a therapist for support?

I know this will be a hard question for you, but what do you want

out of this relationship with nada?

a

>

> I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a BP

> mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

year

> and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

coaster

> again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left

my

> dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm not

> just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

> upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and

was

> essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

treated

> me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my sister,

> her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone else.

> She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone. I

> was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

> until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

out, "

> a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

Things

> smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be fighting

> w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

fighting

> and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

myself,

> we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in

over

> a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/

her

> hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

> essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out... it's

so

> complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2 months

> now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them

for

> the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about

it

> w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't tell

> her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

thing.

> I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no one

> would believe all this.

> My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like

it's

> all going to explode anytime.

> Grace

>

October 16, 2006

Grace,

welcome to the group. You will find the people here completely understand

what you are talking about. In fact, what you wrote doesn't sound that

complicated or unreal to me (or most people here). You have a lot more control

than you realize. The question really comes down to what do you want and what

is realistic for you. All that craziness is going to go on forever; it has

nothing to do with you, unless you take part in it, even by listening to it.

The only BP that I have heard changed was that one young lady who wrote a book

about it. Other than that - what you see is what you get/got - and you deserved

a hell of a lot better than that.

Take good care and you're not alone,

Greg.

whatacutemom wrote:

I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a BP

mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a year

and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller coaster

again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left my

dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm not

just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and was

essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She treated

me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my sister,

her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone else.

She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone. I

was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-out, "

a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP. Things

smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be fighting

w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our fighting

and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing myself,

we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in over

a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/ her

hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out... it's so

complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2 months

now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them for

the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about it

w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't tell

her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation thing.

I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no one

would believe all this.

My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like it's

all going to explode anytime.

Grace

---------------------------------

All-new Yahoo! Mail - Fire up a more powerful email and get things done faster.

October 16, 2006

Grace, I certainly know the feeling and have been there many times

myself. I'm still in contact with my nada and at times it's not too

hard, but then there are other times when I get sucked into the drama!

It's good that your here and posting. I find this group really

helpful for getting coping strategies, validation, support. . .and

sometimes a little well-needed humor.

My nada did the hanging up thing to me for a while last year--she

freaks out whenever I set down a new boundary. Anyway, I eventually

said something to her about it--how I was getting sick of her hanging

up on me and that when she did it, I felt angry and that she was

trying to bully me. She even denied hanging up on me! But she did

stop it after a while. Also, as for your nada not calling for a week.

.. .isn't it kind of nice? I think you could get used to it!

Trish

>

> I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a BP

> mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a year

> and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller coaster

> again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left my

> dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm not

> just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

> upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and was

> essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She treated

> me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my sister,

> her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone else.

> She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone. I

> was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

> until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-out, "

> a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP. Things

> smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be fighting

> w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our fighting

> and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing myself,

> we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in over

> a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/ her

> hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

> essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out... it's so

> complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2 months

> now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them for

> the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about it

> w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't tell

> her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation thing.

> I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no one

> would believe all this.

> My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like it's

> all going to explode anytime.

> Grace

>

October 16, 2006

Grace,

Its sounds like it is probably good to be back in touch with your

sister. Congratulations on that.

And I feel for you on the other end of the spectrum that everything is

so complicated with your mother.

Because my situation is so similar to yours, I am concerned with

reading my own story into yours in my response and wondered if you

could explain a little more about your reaction to your current

situation.

What type of relationship do you have/want with your sister? What

type of relationship do you have with your mother when you are talking

and what part of it is important to you to preserve?

Caitlyn

October 16, 2006

Welcome to the group, Grace! And you don't know how much of your

post I could have written myself! I'm sure other regulars here

found familiar themes in your story as well.

It sounds like you're uncomfortable with just letting the " no

contact " just be. I think us KOs have a hard time not rushing in to

fix the situation. (After all, she'll talk about YOU now behind

your back, won't she?)

I'm struggling with the same uncomfortable feeling as my no contact

with my nada stretches into its fourth month.

I guess what you need to tell yourself is this is the situation SHE

sets up. You need to step out of the way and construct your own

life. Let her consequences fall.

My nada likes the " hang up " technique, too. She hasn't done it in

awhile, to be fair -- but she currently employs the " Silent

Treatment " . But the difference this time is that I haven't rushed

in to fill the void. I'm just letting it BE. I'm allowing myself

to be a separate, autonomous " grown-up " who doesn't trifle with

people who treat her that way.

As you change the way you deal with her, be ready for some increase

in the pressure from her side. It's like you've always done the

tango, and you've switched to the Cha-Cha. Guess what?: You get to

decide what kind of relationship you're willing to have with her.

(i.e. the " hang up " treatment may lose its effectiveness if you

don't respond, thereby making it useless in her arsenal.)

I'm learning to let someone's else's consequences be their own.

This episode has gone on a looooooong time, because I'm not fixing

it anymore. My fada has tried to guilt me into running back to her,

but I have held my ground. The longer it goes on, the easier it

gets. The picture gets clearer in your mind.

You don't have to be a victim of their histrionics and crazy moods

anymore. And the world won't end if your contact with her changes

to suit YOU. It's your world now. You don't have to allow anyone

in it that sucks the life out of you with their selfishness.

I'm sure others here have more to say on the subject --

Good luck!

-Kyla

>

> I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a BP

> mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

year

> and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

coaster

> again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left

my

> dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm not

> just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

> upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and

was

> essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

treated

> me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my sister,

> her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone else.

> She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone. I

> was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

> until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

out, "

> a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

Things

> smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be fighting

> w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

fighting

> and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

myself,

> we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in

over

> a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/

her

> hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

> essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out... it's

so

> complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2 months

> now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them

for

> the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about

it

> w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't tell

> her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

thing.

> I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no one

> would believe all this.

> My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like

it's

> all going to explode anytime.

> Grace

>

October 16, 2006

Hi a,

Thanks for your reply. I am calling around to see a therapist, and

trying to schedule something.

What a good question... you know, I don't think I've really asked

myself that. My dad thinks I'm mourning the loss of my mom, who I

thought she was... this is all relatively shocking and new to me,

and for so long I believed she was just misunderstood and she always

had bad luck in relationships. That is, until I fell from her

pedastal and went from good to bad. Splitting, right? The black and

white?

Well, what do I want... I just don't know, and that's part of the

problem. I'm trying to figure it out. I don't think she's capable of

having a low key relationship with me, one with kind of limits and

boundaries that I need. But I am so fed up, I don't know if I can

put up with this stuff. Part of me just wants my mom, at any cost,

like a little kid, but the adult in me looks at my own family now

and wants to run away from her screaming, sick of this and wanting

to shield my 1 yr old from a crazy grandma.

I don't know if that's a clear answer... I guess I need to figure

out what I want from our relationship.

Thanks.

Grace

> >

> > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a

BP

> > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

> year

> > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

> coaster

> > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left

> my

> > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm

not

> > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

> > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and

> was

> > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

> treated

> > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

sister,

> > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone

else.

> > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone.

I

> > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

> > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

> out, "

> > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

> Things

> > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

fighting

> > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

> fighting

> > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

> myself,

> > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in

> over

> > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/

> her

> > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

> > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out...

it's

> so

> > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2

months

> > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them

> for

> > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about

> it

> > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't

tell

> > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

> thing.

> > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no

one

> > would believe all this.

> > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like

> it's

> > all going to explode anytime.

> > Grace

> >

>

October 16, 2006

Thanks for the encouragement, Greg. :-) You're right... I know it

won't change. I need to relaize that it's ok to decide what I want

and that I deserve more than this. I know she doesn't like the idea

of boundaries... I tried to set some last year and she exploded,

calling me a " nazi " (among other names). My husband calls my

relationship with my mom and abusive relationship, mentally and

emotionally. And I've watched her burn bridge after bridge. I'm not

responsible for her actions. Thanks, I need this encouragement!!!

Grace

> I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25

with a BP

> mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

year

> and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

coaster

> again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left

my

> dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm not

> just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

> upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and

was

> essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

treated

> me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my sister,

> her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone else.

> She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone. I

> was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

> until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

out, "

> a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

Things

> smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be fighting

> w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

fighting

> and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

myself,

> we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in

over

> a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/

her

> hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

> essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out... it's

so

> complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2 months

> now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them

for

> the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about

it

> w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't tell

> her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

thing.

> I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no one

> would believe all this.

> My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like

it's

> all going to explode anytime.

> Grace

>

> ---------------------------------

> All-new Yahoo! Mail - Fire up a more powerful email and get

things done faster.

>

October 16, 2006

Trish,

Thanks for the email... it made me smile. :-) It is kind of nice to

have a break... she calls a bit more than I would prefer. Yes,

sometimes our relationship is GREAT, and wonderful, and perfect. It

seemed that way until recently. Two things happened. First, we were

having a totally normal phone conversation when the subject turned

to whether or not my husband and I had a will. She asked what would

happen to our young daughter, and when I said that my husband's

parents would take her if something were to happen to us, she got

upset, said she had to go (in a very perky voice...???) and though I

said, " you're upset, Mom, " she denied it and said she just had to go

now, and then just hung up on me. Part one. Part two was the real

bomb, when my stepsister called her (for the first time in 3 years).

She wants a relationship with our parents now. My sister was in town

visiting when she called our folks, and made plans to see them,

accompanied by my brother and me (we wanted to go w/ her for

support). Now my mom knows I was talking to my sister for weeks

without telling her, and this must have been a shock to her because

when I was a teenager and we all still lived at home, my mom and I

would talk about EVERYTHING, but mainly about other people and my

mom would tell me stories about other people and how awful they

were. This included my sister. So duh, I'm not about to open that

can of worms w/ her until my sister made contact herself. I now

realize my sister was caught up in BP hell, and my mom pretty much

painted her out to be the stepdaughter from hell. This, of course,

was all a figment of my mom's imagination. SICK, SICK, SICK. I don't

know why she has to just hate people. It's sick and confusing. Like

throwing dice. My sister is actually a wonderful person, and was

just caught up in her dad getting married (very quickly) to a BP

with major issues. I'll never know why my mom made her looks so bad.

I could go on and on, but I should stop before this becomes a novel.

Thanks, though, I'm glad to know others go through this.

So how are you able to manage a relationship w/ your nada? Advice,

please!!!

Grace

> >

> > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a

BP

> > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

year

> > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

coaster

> > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left

my

> > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm

not

> > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

> > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and

was

> > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

treated

> > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

sister,

> > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone

else.

> > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone.

I

> > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

> > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

out, "

> > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

Things

> > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

fighting

> > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

fighting

> > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

myself,

> > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in

over

> > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/

her

> > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

> > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out...

it's so

> > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2

months

> > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them

for

> > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about

it

> > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't

tell

> > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

thing.

> > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no

one

> > would believe all this.

> > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like

it's

> > all going to explode anytime.

> > Grace

> >

>

October 16, 2006

Caitlyn,

Thanks for your response! To a explain a bit more, my mom married my

stepdad 15 years ago when my stepsister and I were both 10. We got

along great for a few years, but over time I started to get close to

my mom, but in a way I now realize wasn't good. She treated me more

like a best friend than a teenage daughter, telling me stuff about

others that was both inappropriate for my age, and because they were

my family. This included my stepsister, who she (for some reason)

had decided was " manipulative and divisive. " This created distance

w/ my sister, but not enough to break our friendship and bond.

My sister called me about two months ago, not knowing I was no

longer a " mini me " of my mom, a sponge who absorbed all her BP lies

and distortion campaigns. My sister and I talked for hours each day,

both catching up the past 7 years we lost, and comparing notes on

oue childhood. I realized that she had been grossly misrepresented

to me by my mom. And I believe this b/c my mom has misrepresented

others to me during my teenage years (like my dad) who I am now very

close with as an adult. Things w/ my sister could not be better now.

Words can't discribe my joy over this reconciliation!!!

As for my relationship w/ my mom, we were SOOO close until I was

about 22. She relied on me way too much, like a said, similar to a

best friend. Once I moved away and got married, I realized what it

was like to live with a NORMAL person (my husband) and the contrast

between living with my husband vs. living w/ my BP mom was shocking.

Two years ago it all came to a head w/ my mom... we had blow out

fights, I insisted on boundaries and told her to stop bashing my dad

(etc) to me, and she flipped out, caling me names, and was very

nasty. I kept calling her to check in after all this, mainly b/c I

was pregnant and didn't want to lose touch w/ her when my baby was

born. I was also brand new to the idea of BPD and still processing

the idea that maybe, just maybe I wasn't crazy and stupid. I wasn't

ready to lose her, so I kept calling her and putting up w/ her

coolness, which eventually became warmth and she even apologized for

a few things, and agreed to some boundaries.

Things have been awesome for a year and a half, until I got back in

touch w/ my sister. She feels bad for being the catalyst, but it was

unavoidable. I wanted to know her side of things, and it completed

the picture for me. A bad picture. That was ok, until I was talking

to my mom a week ago and she got upset and hung up on me because we

were discussing who would be the guardian of my child if my husband

and I were to pass away. My in-laws are our choice, and this upset

her. Bad timing, too, b/c the next day was the day my sister called

her and my stepdad, explainging that she wanted a relationship with

them again, and yes she has been in touch w/ me for weeks. This must

have shocked my mom.

Whew. Long story.

What is yours? You said it's similar?

Thanks for the support, I need it SO much.

Grace

>

> Grace,

>

> Its sounds like it is probably good to be back in touch with your

> sister. Congratulations on that.

>

> And I feel for you on the other end of the spectrum that

everything is

> so complicated with your mother.

>

> Because my situation is so similar to yours, I am concerned with

> reading my own story into yours in my response and wondered if you

> could explain a little more about your reaction to your current

> situation.

>

> What type of relationship do you have/want with your sister? What

> type of relationship do you have with your mother when you are

talking

> and what part of it is important to you to preserve?

>

> Caitlyn

>

October 16, 2006

Wow, thank you so much for your reply, Kyla!

You are right... I already know she is talking about me behind my

back, b/c my sister repeated some comments she made. Ugh. And they

aren't even accurate! I mean, if you go to the trouble of saying

rude things about someone, can't you at least pick a REAL flaw

instead of one that is MADE UP???

I do rush to fix the situation. I always do. In more ways than I can

explain now. I put it on my shoulders.

Sorry you have no contact w/ your nada now... do you go in spurts,

on again and off again?

And thanks... I'm starting to realize I have the right to set my

boundaries and that is ok. And I'm not crazy.

It's amazing... I don't feel alone anymore. I thought I was crazy,

or dramatic, or mean for even BELIEVING what I already know to be

true about her BPD. She was diagnosed, but I still have struggled w/

feeling guilty even admitting it.

Thanks.

Grace

> >

> > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a

BP

> > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

> year

> > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

> coaster

> > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left

> my

> > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm

not

> > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

> > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and

> was

> > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

> treated

> > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

sister,

> > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone

else.

> > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone.

I

> > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

> > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

> out, "

> > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

> Things

> > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

fighting

> > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

> fighting

> > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

> myself,

> > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in

> over

> > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/

> her

> > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

> > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out...

it's

> so

> > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2

months

> > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them

> for

> > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about

> it

> > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't

tell

> > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

> thing.

> > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no

one

> > would believe all this.

> > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like

> it's

> > all going to explode anytime.

> > Grace

> >

>

October 16, 2006

Grace,

I understand where you are coming from. I was the split all good kid

for most of my childhood and then kicked out of the house at 25

(should have been gone way before that...but I was really emeshed with

nada) because I wouldn't given in to whatever her crazy demand was

(not even sure what it clearly was?). I think she was worried that I

was going to be engaged soon. She didn't speak to me for two years

and it was the most peaceful and freeing experience of my life

(mingled with grief over losing her). I did some really fast

developmental work in those two years with the help of my therapist

and my boyfriend/fiance and now husband.

It is ok to take time off from your nada before making decisions about

what you want. BP's can be very seductive and they'll instinctively

use a lot of sales and scam tactics to get you to make decisions in

their favor and urgently.

Hang in there.

a

> > >

> > > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a

> BP

> > > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

> > year

> > > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

> > coaster

> > > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left

> > my

> > > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm

> not

> > > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

> > > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and

> > was

> > > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

> > treated

> > > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

> sister,

> > > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone

> else.

> > > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone.

> I

> > > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

> > > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> > > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

> > out, "

> > > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

> > Things

> > > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

> fighting

> > > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

> > fighting

> > > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> > > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > > I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

> > myself,

> > > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in

> > over

> > > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/

> > her

> > > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

> > > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> > > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out...

> it's

> > so

> > > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2

> months

> > > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them

> > for

> > > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about

> > it

> > > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't

> tell

> > > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

> > thing.

> > > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no

> one

> > > would believe all this.

> > > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like

> > it's

> > > all going to explode anytime.

> > > Grace

> > >

> >

>

October 17, 2006

Grace,

That is wonderful about your sister. I have a sister a bit younger

than me, who was painted all bad, while I was all good. I learned

to be very accomodating to my mother - comforting her when she was

sad, believing everything she said and siding with her on things.

Even though I was a little kid, I feel so awful about this now. My

sister, on the other hand, was blamed by my mother for the problems

in my mother and father's marriage. My mother hated my dad's side

of the family and always saw my sister as one of " them " .

Retroactively, my mother would recall how my sister would try to

split up my parents from the time she was three years old.

My mother's parents died by the time I was five, she had no

siblings, she isolated herself from my father's side of the family,

felt neglected by my dad, etc. And I was " the only one she had " .

So I heard about all of her woes since I was little, and when I was

a teenager got to start hearing about how my father did

not " satisfy " her. Yuk! Yuk!

My mother and I started having rifts when I was a teenager and

became more independent. Then, she would team up with my sister,

and my poor sister would be happy to be in, and they would be

against me. And then my mother would again engage me against my

sister. Then my sister against me. Back and forth.

I finally started sticking up for my sister in high school, in spite

of all the wierd siding dynamics. I now know my sister has known

how much I have always loved her, but she still had so much

hostility toward me until very recently. Mainly because I got my

mother's " love " and she did not. And I'm sure, though it is

something I avoid thinking of, that she felt abondoned by me for a

lot of our childhood years.

My sisters and I are now unified with regard for our mother since

she had an outburst recently and we said " no more " . Now, how to

implement that? My mother doesn't call us. She waits for us to

call, and we are not calling because she has accepted no

responsibilty for her behavior and just wants us to return to the

status-quo. I feel that I am hurting her by not calling. But

calling and having things be the same as always is not an acceptable

option anymore.

To be honest, I no longer want a relationship with my mother,

because I know one is not possible. I would be relieved if she were

to cut me off. But that's not about to happen as far as I can see.

She periodically emails, and we will all be together for the

holidays. So, my sisters and I are just working on setting

boundaries with her.

A few other notes. I also forbid my mother to stop talking about my

father to me a few years ago. I had done the same with regard to my

sisters before that and have since started to redirect her when she

talks badly about her " friends " or other family members. She has

acquiesed and we have had an amicable, if distant, " relationship " in

recent years. She definitely no longer feels close to me since she

can't talk about other people with me. But, I do not openly battle

with her and I treat her well during visits, and that seems normally

to be good enough for her. (The problem comes in when there are

others around and she is not the center of attention.)

I admire you for telling your mother you selected your in-laws to

care for your child. I cannot imagine how ballistic my mother would

go. But of course you made the only reasonable decision for your

child, and then the only question was whether to be open about it or

secretive. Way to go for being open and honest and facing the

outfall.

I think I mourned, and still mourn, the loss / lack of a mother.

Someone who would love and believe in and encourage me to fulfill my

calling in the world. In spite of seeing all of my mother's

limitations and meanness and toxicity, I still believed somehow I

would ultimately reason with her and she would become an enlightened

person and love me as a person apart from her. Having lived with

the understanding for several years now that this will never happen,

I now accept it. I have yet, though, to figure out how to fill the

void.

Were I to offer any advice it would be (1) Let your mother not call -

take your time (some peace!) and figure out where you are at and

(2) Nurture the family relationships that have substance. Cherish

and protect them from your mother.

Caitlyn

October 17, 2006

Grace, I don't know how much reading you've done on BP so far, but

choosing to hate certain people, seemingly at random is called

splitting. For nada's sometimes they see certain people as all bad or

all good. Also there are times when they can see a person as all good

and then suddenly all bad. It sounds like you might have been split

good a lot of your life--which is why your nada wanted to be so close

to you and when you do things she doesn't like, you run the risk of

having her split you bad and raging at you for a time. I've been

there anyway. I have a younger brother that's split bad, but I have

been known to be split either way. Only the baby of our family seems

really safe.

As for keeping a relationship with your nada, I've found that

DISTANCE, DISTANCE, DISTANCE has worked for me. My nada was way too

involved and pushy in so many aspects of my life. I try to avoid all

discussion of our finances, investment decisions, life decisions etc

around nada. When I deviate from this, I always end up kicking myself

because I should have known better.

Another kind of much-needed distance for me is just plain physical

distance, I've lived FAR away from my FOO since I was 18 and now live

in another country. For me, that's the best solution.

Yet another kind of distance I'm slowly creating is the refusal to let

nada trash family members or others I care about in front of me. This

has been a hard one because she gets mad when I speak up. But I've

learned to say, " I don't care, I like ____(insert smeared family

member here)___! " and just end the conversation. Then I don't have to

argue with her about whethet the person in question actually did or

didn't do all the things that she accuses them of.

And finally, it takes time, but slowly I've become less upset by her

raging or showing signs of impending rage (like hanging up the phone

abruptly). I think it comes from being able to offer myself safety

from her rages. If she rages, I leave, hang up or whatever. I also

remember that my relationship with my nada is OPTIONAL. I can go NC

if I choose to and will if she abuses me. This also keeps me feeling

safe and sound.

Anyway, if you have more questions let me know, but I'm sure that

you'll hear lots more advice just hanging around this board.

Trish

> > >

> > > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a

> BP

> > > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

> year

> > > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

> coaster

> > > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left

> my

> > > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm

> not

> > > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

> > > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and

> was

> > > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

> treated

> > > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

> sister,

> > > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone

> else.

> > > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone.

> I

> > > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

> > > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> > > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

> out, "

> > > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

> Things

> > > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

> fighting

> > > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

> fighting

> > > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> > > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > > I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

> myself,

> > > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in

> over

> > > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/

> her

> > > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

> > > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> > > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out...

> it's so

> > > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2

> months

> > > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them

> for

> > > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about

> it

> > > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't

> tell

> > > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

> thing.

> > > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no

> one

> > > would believe all this.

> > > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like

> it's

> > > all going to explode anytime.

> > > Grace

> > >

> >

>

October 17, 2006

Hi Grace, and welcome!

Just wanted to let you know that I can SO relate to your relationship with your

nada -- I've gone my whole life bopping from " honeymoon " love-fests (where I'm

split all white, and really do love her during these times) to insane,

irrational rages (where I'm split black) -- and during those " all-black " periods

have always had the hanging-up-the-phones, the Silent Treatments, the smear

campaigns to my entire family.... Probably the most frustrating part is not

being able to predict or control WHAT will set off a split (but knowing that,

sooner or later, something always does.)

I think it's probably natural your nada would react to your marriage and having

a baby as being all about her and your abandonment of her. That you would

re-unite with your sister (congrats, by the way!) just adds fuel to the fire.

Only a BP mom would view a daughter's marriage as a " betrayal " ... but my nada

was not at all happy to see me taking on a real-life spouse (because then I

couldn't be her exclusive surrogate spouse anymore!) To my nada, my marriage

really WAS an infidelity, although she'd never admit it. And my son has never

been more to her than a pawn -- a barometer she could use to measure my

" loyalty " to her.

One thing that's helped me cope -- painful as it was at first to recognize -- is

to accept that, whether she sees me as " white " or " black, " she doesn't really

see ME in either instance. In both cases, I'm just a projection.

The real challenge, for me, in maintaining the relationship has been about

learning to take the focus off my nada -- BPs WANT all the attention on

themselves -- and just being my nice normal self in the face of whether she's

seeing me black or white. I just don't buy into it anymore. I roll my eyes when

she's not speaking to me, and I work on protecting my boundaries when she's got

me white. I've kind of given up the idea I can control or change her perceptions

of me -- and have found a great deal of peace in just watching her split me back

and forth like a ping-pong ball without becoming invested in it emotionally

either way.

Anyhow, just wanted to let you know I can relate to your struggles, wish you the

best of luck, and also recommend you read some of the great books about dealing

with a BP (Stop Walking on Eggshells, Understanding the Borderline Mother, etc.)

if you haven't already, as this really helps de-personalize the whole thing,

too!

Shana

Re: new to group and need support

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Wow, thank you so much for your reply, Kyla!

> You are right... I already know she is talking about me behind

> my

> back, b/c my sister repeated some comments she made. Ugh. And

> they

> aren't even accurate! I mean, if you go to the trouble of saying

> rude things about someone, can't you at least pick a REAL flaw

> instead of one that is MADE UP???

>

> I do rush to fix the situation. I always do. In more ways than I

> can

> explain now. I put it on my shoulders.

>

> Sorry you have no contact w/ your nada now... do you go in

> spurts,

> on again and off again?

>

> And thanks... I'm starting to realize I have the right to set my

> boundaries and that is ok. And I'm not crazy.

>

> It's amazing... I don't feel alone anymore. I thought I was

> crazy,

> or dramatic, or mean for even BELIEVING what I already know to

> be

> true about her BPD. She was diagnosed, but I still have

> struggled w/

> feeling guilty even admitting it.

>

> Thanks.

>

> Grace

>

> > >

> > > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with

> a

> BP

> > > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for

> a

> > year

> > > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

> > coaster

> > > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she

> left

> > my

> > > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that

> I'm

> not

> > > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also

> so

> > > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids,

> and

> > was

> > > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

> > treated

> > > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

> sister,

> > > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone

> else.

> > > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost

> everyone.

> I

> > > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD

> traits,

> > > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> > > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real

> " blow-

> > out, "

> > > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

> > Things

> > > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

> fighting

> > > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

> > fighting

> > > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> > > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > > I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

> > myself,

> > > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld

> in

> > over

> > > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call

> ended w/

> > her

> > > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my

> mom

> > > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I

> know

> > > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out...

> it's

> > so

> > > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2

> months

> > > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see

> them

> > for

> > > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk

> about

> > it

> > > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but

> didn't

> tell

> > > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a

> manipulation

> > thing.

> > > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up,

> no

> one

> > > would believe all this.

> > > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel

> like

> > it's

> > > all going to explode anytime.

> > > Grace

> > >

> >

>

October 17, 2006

Hi Grace,

Welcome to our group. I am glad you found us. This is a great

support group for what you are going through right now. It sounds

like you are dealing with some elements of FOG (fear, obligation,

guilt), three big ways that the BPs in our lives manipulate us into

doing what they want us to do.

You are starting on a wonderful (although at times stressful)

journey of recovery from the effecs of being raised by a BP.

Sylvia

>

> I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a BP

> mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

year

> and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

coaster

> again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left

my

> dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm not

> just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

> upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and

was

> essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

treated

> me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my sister,

> her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone else.

> She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone. I

> was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

> until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

out, "

> a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

Things

> smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be fighting

> w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

fighting

> and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

myself,

> we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in

over

> a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/

her

> hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

> essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out... it's

so

> complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2 months

> now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them

for

> the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about

it

> w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't tell

> her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

thing.

> I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no one

> would believe all this.

> My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like

it's

> all going to explode anytime.

> Grace

>

October 17, 2006

a,

It's amazing that someone else has experienced what I have. I left

home at 20, but would have probably stayed longer b/c I, too, was so

caught up in her world and her ways. Joined at the hip. I left to

move closer to my fiance (now husband). My mom also freaked out when

she felt like we weren't as close b/c I was married. Fear of

abandonment.

I can relate to the feelings of freedom and grief... I feel both

now, even though nothing has actually happened to cause a blow out

or a break in our relationship. I'm just not calling right now b/c

she hung up on me, and I know she wants me to call (a manipulation

thing) and she isn't calling. A game of chicken now, I feel.

I'll take this time to figure out what I want, and CAN get out of

the relationship.

I feel like my confidence is growing daily.

Thanks so much,

I REALLY need this!!!

Grace

> > > >

> > > > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with

a

> > BP

> > > > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for

a

> > > year

> > > > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

> > > coaster

> > > > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > > > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she

left

> > > my

> > > > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that

I'm

> > not

> > > > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also

so

> > > > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids,

and

> > > was

> > > > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

> > > treated

> > > > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

> > sister,

> > > > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone

> > else.

> > > > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost

everyone.

> > I

> > > > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD

traits,

> > > > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> > > > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first

real " blow-

> > > out, "

> > > > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

> > > Things

> > > > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

> > fighting

> > > > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

> > > fighting

> > > > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> > > > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > > > I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

> > > myself,

> > > > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld

in

> > > over

> > > > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call

ended w/

> > > her

> > > > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > > > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my

mom

> > > > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I

know

> > > > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out...

> > it's

> > > so

> > > > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2

> > months

> > > > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see

them

> > > for

> > > > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk

about

> > > it

> > > > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but

didn't

> > tell

> > > > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a

manipulation

> > > thing.

> > > > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up,

no

> > one

> > > > would believe all this.

> > > > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel

like

> > > it's

> > > > all going to explode anytime.

> > > > Grace

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

October 17, 2006

Shana,

Thanks for your message. It's still a new concept for me to realize

she really does see people in black and white. There are NO gray

areas!!!

It helps me to think about now my mom doesn't see the real me. I

never thought of that. When I've been white, it's like I could do no

wrong, and she would tell me how I was her favorite (of us 4 kids)

and stuff like that. When I'm black, I'm stupid, manipulative, etc.

What a roller coaster.

That's interesting that your mom also viewed your marriage as a

betrayal. My nada has gotten ticked at my husband, but mainly for

ONE comment he made a year and a half ago. My nada and I were

arguing about who I wanted in the delivery room w/ me. I wanted my

hubby and a best girlfriend. She disagreed, thinking she should have

that other place instead of my friend. Backing me into a corner, she

(sweetly) said, " Other than your husband, who do you love most in

the world. " My husband jumped in and said, " honey, don't answer

that. " She fled the room, crying, and referenced his comment for a

LONG time, saying it put her in a bad position, the position of my

adversary. BS. AAAHHHHH!

I have millions of stories that I'm still processing, now able to

view thru the lens of, " oooh, that's why she... " now that I know

about BPD.

Thanks for your reply, this support is very valuable to me and each

message is a huge relief, knowing that I am not alone.

I thought I was alone, and crazy.

My sister felt the same way, isolated from her family b/c my BP mom

went on a distortion campaign against her, saying terrible things.

My brother also felt alone, he was kicked out of our house. Our

nada also went on a distortion campaign against him, literally

telling things to rooms full of people.

What a mess.

Thanks for the support. The three of us kids are now leaning on each

other and trying to heal, reassuring each other that we're not crazy.

Thanks,

Grace

> > > >

> > > > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with

> > a

> > BP

> > > > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for

> > a

> > > year

> > > > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

> > > coaster

> > > > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > > > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she

> > left

> > > my

> > > > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that

> > I'm

> > not

> > > > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also

> > so

> > > > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids,

> > and

> > > was

> > > > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

> > > treated

> > > > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

> > sister,

> > > > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone

> > else.

> > > > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost

> > everyone.

> > I

> > > > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD

> > traits,

> > > > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> > > > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real

> > " blow-

> > > out, "

> > > > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

> > > Things

> > > > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

> > fighting

> > > > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

> > > fighting

> > > > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> > > > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > > > I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

> > > myself,

> > > > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld

> > in

> > > over

> > > > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call

> > ended w/

> > > her

> > > > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > > > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my

> > mom

> > > > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I

> > know

> > > > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out...

> > it's

> > > so

> > > > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2

> > months

> > > > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see

> > them

> > > for

> > > > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk

> > about

> > > it

> > > > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but

> > didn't

> > tell

> > > > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a

> > manipulation

> > > thing.

> > > > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up,

> > no

> > one

> > > > would believe all this.

> > > > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel

> > like

> > > it's

> > > > all going to explode anytime.

> > > > Grace

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

October 17, 2006

Grace, Welcome to the group, I was so busy for a few days I had no

time to come on the board. Then when I came on and saw your post I

tried to reply 2 times both times my youngest ended up needing me so

I was preoccupied and I find that I need to concentrate and think

while writing anything over a few sentences. But I wanted to welcome

you to the group and tell you I can relate to much of what you say.

There where times when my nada would go through phases and she

wanted to doll me up to be mini her as well. Hair, clothes and she

was always trying to get me on her bandwagon of people and

organizations to hate weather it was crest toothpaste inc. or the

government or the family next door. She always wanted me to feel

what she was feeling and when I didn't voice her opinions you would

have sworn hell just froze over. I remember when she would dress me

or do my hair, I never liked it, it was not my style but the fear of

what would happen if I spoke up usually kept me silent. When I did

start to speak up over time and the more I showed my true opinions

the more she fell apart. Eventually it lead to our falling out, her

blowing up and now we have not spoken for over 4 years. The best 4

years of my life to be exact. The hardest part is that my dad spoke

w/ the Dr and he told him of her condition but her refused to hear.

In fact non of her family will admit it. They all want to shut their

ears. I think it is great that your dad knows. I wish my parents

would divorce and he would admit it. That would be a dream come true

and a prayer answered. I am so happy that you found this place. I am

sure you coming here and sharing your stories will be a great

addition to the board. I hope we all can help you. I have never seen

this kind of love and support anywhere. It feels so different and so

much better when you finally get a chance to talk to others who have

walked in your shoes. There is a connection you cant find in

anybody else. And by the way your situation may be messed up but

that is why we are all here we all have messed up situations that we

are working out and we believe you. You can say you wouldn't believe

what my nada did but the funny thing is so many of the nada's do the

same things most of us can share the same stories and it makes it a

little easier. Well again welcome I hope you like it here. Love

Lizzy

>

> I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a BP

> mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

year

> and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

coaster

> again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left

my

> dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm not

> just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

> upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and

was

> essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

treated

> me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my sister,

> her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone else.

> She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone. I

> was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

> until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

out, "

> a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

Things

> smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be fighting

> w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

fighting

> and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

myself,

> we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in

over

> a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/

her

> hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

> essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out... it's

so

> complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2 months

> now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them

for

> the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about

it

> w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't tell

> her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

thing.

> I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no one

> would believe all this.

> My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like

it's

> all going to explode anytime.

> Grace

>

October 17, 2006

This is by far the longest we've ever gone. And it's all due to me

not running back to her. She tried this (and other vindictive

tricks) on my 2 years ago and my fada managed to get me back over

there.

Well, now, she's trying it again, and this time, I'm simply getting

on with my life. And I'm SURE they're talking about me behind my

back. Just ignore it. They always get the facts wrong --

stretching them to suit themselves and make themselves look like the

severely injured party. Righteous indignation is like a drug with

them. It goes hand-in-hand with the victim mentality. Ignore it

for the noise that it is. (Although I know it's hard! I'm so

tempted to argue points with my fada!!!! It's pointless to try and

argue your case to them. In fact, it's counterproductive for you --

they'll just be glad you're engaging with them.)

In fact, if you want, you can nicely tell your sister -- " Oh well,

whatever.... " and change the subject! Let your sister know that you

don't have any interest in becoming mired in that muck.

Your visits with your sister should be about the two of you. Keep

changing the subject if she wants to bring nada and fada into the

conversation. Be polite, act like you wish them well, say it with a

smile and then move on!!!

I wish us both luck on this!!

-Kyla

> > >

> > > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a

> BP

> > > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

> > year

> > > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

> > coaster

> > > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she

left

> > my

> > > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm

> not

> > > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also

so

> > > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids,

and

> > was

> > > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

> > treated

> > > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

> sister,

> > > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone

> else.

> > > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost

everyone.

> I

> > > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD

traits,

> > > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> > > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

> > out, "

> > > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

> > Things

> > > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

> fighting

> > > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

> > fighting

> > > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> > > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > > I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

> > myself,

> > > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld

in

> > over

> > > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended

w/

> > her

> > > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my

mom

> > > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> > > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out...

> it's

> > so

> > > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2

> months

> > > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see

them

> > for

> > > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk

about

> > it

> > > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't

> tell

> > > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

> > thing.

> > > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no

> one

> > > would believe all this.

> > > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel

like

> > it's

> > > all going to explode anytime.

> > > Grace

> > >

> >

>

October 17, 2006

You're welcome! That's what we're all here for -- support.

When a BP is calling the shots, it IS a crazy rollercoaster ride. The beauty

part is, the more you come to understand about this illness -- and read the

experiences of other people who've been on that same ride their whole lives --

the easier it is to FINALLY get off the rollercoaster. It CAN be done.

For some people, that means ending all contact. For others, (myself included),

it means limiting contact or changing the rules and learning to create and

enforce healthy boundaries (for a change!) regardless of how the BP responds to

it.

Either way, it's an exciting, life-affirming journey -- diagnosing my nada, and

reading the posts from the people on this board have literally changed my life!

Shana

Re: new to group and need support

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Shana,

> Thanks for your message. It's still a new concept for me to

> realize

> she really does see people in black and white. There are NO gray

> areas!!!

>

> It helps me to think about now my mom doesn't see the real me. I

> never thought of that. When I've been white, it's like I could

> do no

> wrong, and she would tell me how I was her favorite (of us 4

> kids)

> and stuff like that. When I'm black, I'm stupid, manipulative,

> etc.

> What a roller coaster.

>

> That's interesting that your mom also viewed your marriage as a

> betrayal. My nada has gotten ticked at my husband, but mainly

> for

> ONE comment he made a year and a half ago. My nada and I were

> arguing about who I wanted in the delivery room w/ me. I wanted

> my

> hubby and a best girlfriend. She disagreed, thinking she should

> have

> that other place instead of my friend. Backing me into a corner,

> she

> (sweetly) said, " Other than your husband, who do you love most

> in

> the world. " My husband jumped in and said, " honey, don't answer

> that. " She fled the room, crying, and referenced his comment for

> a

> LONG time, saying it put her in a bad position, the position of

> my

> adversary. BS. AAAHHHHH!

>

> I have millions of stories that I'm still processing, now able

> to

> view thru the lens of, " oooh, that's why she... " now that I know

> about BPD.

>

> Thanks for your reply, this support is very valuable to me and

> each

> message is a huge relief, knowing that I am not alone.

>

> I thought I was alone, and crazy.

> My sister felt the same way, isolated from her family b/c my BP

> mom

> went on a distortion campaign against her, saying terrible things.

> My brother also felt alone, he was kicked out of our house. Our

> nada also went on a distortion campaign against him, literally

> telling things to rooms full of people.

>

> What a mess.

>

> Thanks for the support. The three of us kids are now leaning on

> each

> other and trying to heal, reassuring each other that we're not crazy.

>

> Thanks,

> Grace

>

> > > > >

> > > > > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25

> with

> > > a

> > > BP

> > > > > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis

> for

> > > a

> > > > year

> > > > > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the

> roller

> > > > coaster

> > > > > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > > > > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before

> she

> > > left

> > > > my

> > > > > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief

> that

> > > I'm

> > > not

> > > > > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but

> also

> > > so

> > > > > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4

> kids,

> > > and

> > > > was

> > > > > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick.

> She

> > > > treated

> > > > > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother,

> my

> > > sister,

> > > > > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and

> everyone

> > > else.

> > > > > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost

> > > everyone.

> > > I

> > > > > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD

> > > traits,

> > > > > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then

> got

> > > > > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real

> > > " blow-

> > > > out, "

> > > > > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a

> BP.

> > > > Things

> > > > > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to

> be

> > > fighting

> > > > > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru

> our

> > > > fighting

> > > > > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with

> everyone

> > > > > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > > > > I really need support on this. I am sick of second

> guessing

> > > > myself,

> > > > > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't

> clld

> > > in

> > > > over

> > > > > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call

> > > ended w/

> > > > her

> > > > > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > > > > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us,

> after my

> > > mom

> > > > > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18.

> I

> > > know

> > > > > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her

> out...

> > > it's

> > > > so

> > > > > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for

> about 2

> > > months

> > > > > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to

> see

> > > them

> > > > for

> > > > > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to

> talk

> > > about

> > > > it

> > > > > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but

> > > didn't

> > > tell

> > > > > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a

> > > manipulation

> > > > thing.

> > > > > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed

> up,

> > > no

> > > one

> > > > > would believe all this.

> > > > > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I

> feel

> > > like

> > > > it's

> > > > > all going to explode anytime.

> > > > > Grace

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

October 17, 2006

Grace,

Having gone through something so similar, I beg to differ with you

on the comment that " nothing has actually happened to cause a blow

out or a break in our relationship. " Something did happen and it

was very important! You decided to think for yourself. This is a

very brave step to do in the KO process. Very brave!

When my hubby and I talk about this FOO drama, he reminds me

that " Hundreds, if not thousands, of descendants count on us getting

it right. " Talk about pressure! LOL But seriously. You do have

the power to say " NO " and move forward in a healthy relationship

with family members. We don't " owe " anything to our Nada's as they

would have us believe, but we do have a responsibility to ourselves,

our spouses and our children to help develop in a safe and loving

environment.

Hang in there,

a

> > > > >

> > > > > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25

with

> a

> > > BP

> > > > > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis

for

> a

> > > > year

> > > > > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the

roller

> > > > coaster

> > > > > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > > > > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before

she

> left

> > > > my

> > > > > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that

> I'm

> > > not

> > > > > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but

also

> so

> > > > > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4

kids,

> and

> > > > was

> > > > > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick.

She

> > > > treated

> > > > > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

> > > sister,

> > > > > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and

everyone

> > > else.

> > > > > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost

> everyone.

> > > I

> > > > > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD

> traits,

> > > > > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then

got

> > > > > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first

> real " blow-

> > > > out, "

> > > > > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a

BP.

> > > > Things

> > > > > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

> > > fighting

> > > > > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru

our

> > > > fighting

> > > > > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with

everyone

> > > > > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > > > > I really need support on this. I am sick of second

guessing

> > > > myself,

> > > > > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't

clld

> in

> > > > over

> > > > > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call

> ended w/

> > > > her

> > > > > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > > > > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after

my

> mom

> > > > > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I

> know

> > > > > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her

out...

> > > it's

> > > > so

> > > > > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about

2

> > > months

> > > > > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to

see

> them

> > > > for

> > > > > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk

> about

> > > > it

> > > > > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but

> didn't

> > > tell

> > > > > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a

> manipulation

> > > > thing.

> > > > > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up,

> no

> > > one

> > > > > would believe all this.

> > > > > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel

> like

> > > > it's

> > > > > all going to explode anytime.

> > > > > Grace

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

October 17, 2006

Grace,

You definitely have your answer in what you wrote: listen to that adult in

you; she's right and will take care of the inner you. Your nada will never and

instead, use your inner child up.

Welcome to the group.

Greg.

whatacutemom wrote:

Hi a,

Thanks for your reply. I am calling around to see a therapist, and

trying to schedule something.

What a good question... you know, I don't think I've really asked

myself that. My dad thinks I'm mourning the loss of my mom, who I

thought she was... this is all relatively shocking and new to me,

and for so long I believed she was just misunderstood and she always

had bad luck in relationships. That is, until I fell from her

pedastal and went from good to bad. Splitting, right? The black and

white?

Well, what do I want... I just don't know, and that's part of the

problem. I'm trying to figure it out. I don't think she's capable of

having a low key relationship with me, one with kind of limits and

boundaries that I need. But I am so fed up, I don't know if I can

put up with this stuff. Part of me just wants my mom, at any cost,

like a little kid, but the adult in me looks at my own family now

and wants to run away from her screaming, sick of this and wanting

to shield my 1 yr old from a crazy grandma.

I don't know if that's a clear answer... I guess I need to figure

out what I want from our relationship.

Thanks.

Grace

> >

> > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a

BP

> > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

> year

> > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

> coaster

> > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left

> my

> > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm

not

> > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

> > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and

> was

> > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

> treated

> > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

sister,

> > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone

else.

> > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone.

I

> > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

> > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

> out, "

> > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

> Things

> > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

fighting

> > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

> fighting

> > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

> myself,

> > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in

> over

> > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/

> her

> > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

> > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out...

it's

> so

> > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2

months

> > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them

> for

> > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about

> it

> > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't

tell

> > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

> thing.

> > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no

one

> > would believe all this.

> > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like

> it's

> > all going to explode anytime.

> > Grace

> >

>

__________________________________________________

October 17, 2006

a,

Good point! I guess something DID happen to cause a break... once I

separated myself from her and started thinking for myself, things

started to build. Then an event triggered (but did not cause) the

first blow out. I guess more and more has happened (my thinking for

myself, in a lot of different areas) to cause another one this time,

only it has not been pushed to the point where I think it may go

where it actually explodes, if that makes sense. Thanks... I know

it's brave but I fight feelings of guilt and betrayal still.

Thank you for your point about " owing " things to people... I do owe

it to my husband and daughter to put our relationships first and not

let myself feel manipulated by my mom, and then have that

manipulation ooze into our own family. I know my mom drives my

husband NUTS, and I wonder how things will go as my daughter gets

older... who knows if my mom would talk to my daughter the way she

talked to me, trying to bash people, you know?

Excellent points... thanks, a.

Grace

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25

> with

> > a

> > > > BP

> > > > > > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis

> for

> > a

> > > > > year

> > > > > > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the

> roller

> > > > > coaster

> > > > > > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > > > > > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before

> she

> > left

> > > > > my

> > > > > > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief

that

> > I'm

> > > > not

> > > > > > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but

> also

> > so

> > > > > > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4

> kids,

> > and

> > > > > was

> > > > > > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick.

> She

> > > > > treated

> > > > > > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother,

my

> > > > sister,

> > > > > > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and

> everyone

> > > > else.

> > > > > > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost

> > everyone.

> > > > I

> > > > > > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD

> > traits,

> > > > > > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then

> got

> > > > > > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first

> > real " blow-

> > > > > out, "

> > > > > > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a

> BP.

> > > > > Things

> > > > > > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to

be

> > > > fighting

> > > > > > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru

> our

> > > > > fighting

> > > > > > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with

> everyone

> > > > > > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > > > > > I really need support on this. I am sick of second

> guessing

> > > > > myself,

> > > > > > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't

> clld

> > in

> > > > > over

> > > > > > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call

> > ended w/

> > > > > her

> > > > > > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > > > > > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us,

after

> my

> > mom

> > > > > > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18.

I

> > know

> > > > > > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her

> out...

> > > > it's

> > > > > so

> > > > > > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for

about

> 2

> > > > months

> > > > > > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to

> see

> > them

> > > > > for

> > > > > > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to

talk

> > about

> > > > > it

> > > > > > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but

> > didn't

> > > > tell

> > > > > > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a

> > manipulation

> > > > > thing.

> > > > > > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed

up,

> > no

> > > > one

> > > > > > would believe all this.

> > > > > > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I

feel

> > like

> > > > > it's

> > > > > > all going to explode anytime.

> > > > > > Grace

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

October 17, 2006

Shana,

Thanks. :-) Your email was very encouraging... more and more I

realize that I do need to make changes, like standing up for myself,

saying what I think, and in general drawing some lines.

Thanks, Shana!

Grace

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25

> > with

> > > > a

> > > > BP

> > > > > > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis

> > for

> > > > a

> > > > > year

> > > > > > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the

> > roller

> > > > > coaster

> > > > > > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > > > > > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before

> > she

> > > > left

> > > > > my

> > > > > > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief

> > that

> > > > I'm

> > > > not

> > > > > > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but

> > also

> > > > so

> > > > > > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4

> > kids,

> > > > and

> > > > > was

> > > > > > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick.

> > She

> > > > > treated

> > > > > > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother,

> > my

> > > > sister,

> > > > > > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and

> > everyone

> > > > else.

> > > > > > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost

> > > > everyone.

> > > > I

> > > > > > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD

> > > > traits,

> > > > > > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then

> > got

> > > > > > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real

> > > > " blow-

> > > > > out, "

> > > > > > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a

> > BP.

> > > > > Things

> > > > > > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to

> > be

> > > > fighting

> > > > > > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru

> > our

> > > > > fighting

> > > > > > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with

> > everyone

> > > > > > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > > > > > I really need support on this. I am sick of second

> > guessing

> > > > > myself,

> > > > > > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't

> > clld

> > > > in

> > > > > over

> > > > > > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call

> > > > ended w/

> > > > > her

> > > > > > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > > > > > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us,

> > after my

> > > > mom

> > > > > > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18.

> > I

> > > > know

> > > > > > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her

> > out...

> > > > it's

> > > > > so

> > > > > > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for

> > about 2

> > > > months

> > > > > > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to

> > see

> > > > them

> > > > > for

> > > > > > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to

> > talk

> > > > about

> > > > > it

> > > > > > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but

> > > > didn't

> > > > tell

> > > > > > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a

> > > > manipulation

> > > > > thing.

> > > > > > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed

> > up,

> > > > no

> > > > one

> > > > > > would believe all this.

> > > > > > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I

> > feel

> > > > like

> > > > > it's

> > > > > > all going to explode anytime.

> > > > > > Grace

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

October 17, 2006

Lizzy,

Thank you so much for your message! You are right... the support so

far has been amazing. Especially since I felt so confused by all of

my nada's behavior for so long.

Yes, my mom tried to get me to hate my dad, my brother, my

stepsister, my stepdad's ex-wife, her new in-laws, her family, and

bunch of others, and it's just nuts. So much hate!!! I don't get it.

She would be proud of me if I spoke up in class against something,

like a policy or an opinion a teacher had, and then the more people

it ticked off, the more she was convinced it must be right. I

honestly think that the more I became like her, the more people

disliked me (my family, my friends) and then I had only her to go

to. You know, actually I think this is the first time I thought of

it like like that. It's true. And then the opposite happened. I

moved out, got some space, and thought for myself. All of a sudden I

had friends. Then I got back in touch w/ my dad (she encouraged me

to break off my relationship w/ him, and I did), my brother, my

sister, etc. The more I got back in touch w/ people she hated, the

more I realized the sick truth of it all... by seeing that my dad is

actually WONDERFUL, and so is my brother and stepsister, and my mom

was just badmouthing them to me and I actually BELIEVED her. Getting

back in touch w/ my sister JUST happened, and my mom hasn't clld me

since she found out, 10 days ago. Also, the day she found out

happened to be the day after she hung up on me over something else,

so she was primed to be mad at me in the first place, and it must

have really set the stage when my sister called her and my stepdad

to get back in touch w/ them, and then she told them she had been

talking to me for a few weeks already.

Ehhh... so much. Sooo much! I don't mean to go on too much, but I

start and it just pours out of me.

I'm sorry to hear that your family doesn't listen to her diagnosis.

That is such a key thing to understanding all of this!!!

I know what you mean about wishing for divorce... though my parents

are divorced, I feel like she has ruined my stepdad's life. Since

they've been married, she has essentially declared war on his

family. One by one, a relationship will break and be cut off.

Ok, my husband is calling... our kid's asleep and her uncle is here

to hang while we go get ice cream.

Again, I don't want to go on too much, but it just POURS out of me.

25 years worth of pent up questions and hurt.

Thanks, Lizzy,

Love, Grace

> >

> > I just joined this group, and boy do I need to. I am 25 with a

BP

> > mom, and I have only been aware of BPD and her diagnosis for a

> year

> > and a half. However, recent uproars have started the roller

> coaster

> > again and I'm sick of it, and sick of feeling crazy.

> > She was diagnosed when I was about 7 or 8, right before she left

> my

> > dad. And wow, does she fit the profile. It's a relief that I'm

not

> > just a " bad daughter " to think bad stuff about her, but also so

> > upsetting b/c for 23 yrs I was the " favorite " of her 4 kids, and

> was

> > essentially her " mini me " and her main companion. Sick. She

> treated

> > me more like a best friend, bashing my dad, my brother, my

sister,

> > her in-laws, her family, my step-dad's ex wife, and everyone

else.

> > She told me inappropriate, hateful things about almost everyone.

I

> > was on the road to be just like her, picking up her BPD traits,

> > until I moved out of the house, got some space, and then got

> > married. It was when I was 23 when we had our first real " blow-

> out, "

> > a long time coming. That's when my dad told me she was a BP.

> Things

> > smoothed over w/ us (I was pregnant and didn't want to be

fighting

> > w/ her when my daughter was born, so I just blazed thru our

> fighting

> > and didn't let her cut me off, which she does with everyone

> > eventually it seems). Now, things are stirred up again.

> > I really need support on this. I am sick of second guessing

> myself,

> > we're playing a game of chicken right now as she hasn't clld in

> over

> > a week (a loooong time for her) and our last phone call ended w/

> her

> > hanging up on me after getting upset w/ me.

> > Ick. My sister has just gotten back in touch w/ us, after my mom

> > essentially drove her out of our house when she was 18. I know

> > having my sister back in touch with us must freak her out...

it's

> so

> > complicated. My sister and I have been in touch for about 2

months

> > now, and it was last weekend that she clld our folks to see them

> for

> > the first time in a few years. I know my mom wants to talk about

> it

> > w/ me, and wants to know why I was in touch w/ her but didn't

tell

> > her. She isn't calling though, and I know it's a manipulation

> thing.

> > I feel like my family situation w/ my mom is so messed up, no

one

> > would believe all this.

> > My mom also doesn't know that I know about BPD, and I feel like

> it's

> > all going to explode anytime.

> > Grace

> >

>

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