should believe me.

[Guest guest]

1) I am sad about , because she doesn't want me.

2) I need her to see that I love her and that she is more important

to me than anyone else

3) She should believe me and trust me.

5) is sweet, sensitive, funny, loving, hard on herself, hard

on others, vulnerable, mistrusting, small, cute, sexy passionate,

wants to be right and doesn't see the truth.

6) I don't ever want to experience again how withdraws from me.

The work

1) I am sad about , because she doesn't want me.

- Is it true she doesn't want you?

* Yes, she says so. She wants me out of her life.

- So, is it really true she doesn't *want* you?

* No, I think she does want me. That makes it even harder to bare

that she doesn't want me to be with her.

- I hear it's not true for you that she doesn't want you. And she

should want you to be with her. Is *that* true? Does she?

* No, she doesn't. It's not true she should.

- And... how do you react, when you believe the thought she should

want you being with her, and apparently, she doesn't?

* I tell her she's wrong, in my mind. I try to " save " her from her

decision. It is painful to see she's not going where I think is best

for her.

- and she doesn't want to go where you want her to go. That's your

plan. Her's is different. How does it feel for you, if someone forces

you to go a different direction than you want to go?

* I get annoyed. And want to go there even more. I feel sad if I don't.

- And is that what you want for her? To feel sad, she doesn't go

where she decided to? Suppose she lets you come close to her,

although she doesn't feel like. Just to listen to you. Do you really

want her to feel like you just felt when you took her place?

* no, I don't want that for her.

- So, do you see a reason to let the thought go, she should want you

to be with her?

* yes, it is a painful thought to hold.

- And can you see one reason that is not stressful to let it go?

* No, it didn't help me so far. Not at all.

- So, who would you be, meeting , if you could not even think

that thought? If it never occured to you, she should want you to be

with her? The two of you meet, she totally rejects you, in your

perception, and you don't have the thought she should want you to be

with her?

* Ok, I just listen. And leave. Feels much better.

-So, turn the thought around: she should want you to be with her.

* She should NOT want me to be with her. - True, when she doesn't.

- Yes, she is doing exactly what she should. It's her job. Can you

find another turnaround?

* I should want me to be with her. - Yes, especially in her decision

to not be with me. I should want what she wants.

- Good, is there more?

* I should want me to be with me. - Right, because when I think of

her when she's not here, when I think she may have written, I leave

myself. I should stay with me, there.

- Good, next one.

2) I need her to see that I love her and that she is more important

to me than anyone else

* You NEED her to see that you love her. Is that true?

- No

* Good. How do you feel when you hold on to that thought?

- Sad. I get angry at her, because she doesn't give me what I need. I

call her lazy, and mean. I feel it in my throat.

* And who would you be, if you could never believe again that you

need ANYONE to give you something, when he doesn't?

- With her, she looks sweet, a little scared, somehow like a little

child that suspects me of wanting something from her. And she is

right. I want her love. And she doesn't want to. She does not want to

love me, because she believes it can hurt her so much. With anyone

else... I would see how dear they hold what I think I want. I see

awareness in their eyes. PEACEFUL.

* Turnarounds:

- I DON'T need her to see that I love her. I don't even WANT her to

see that I love her. I want ME to see that I love her. Enough to give

her what she asks for. Anything she asks for. She could have ANYTHING

from me, and doesn't even want it. Wise person!

- I need me to see that I love ME. - that's not as easy. I did so

many bad things... Ok, let's see if I can find something that's

loveable. I can give a very lovely hug to people. I CARE for my

friends. I cooked for my Kids their favourite dish.

I love to read to my kids. And others. I planted some trees. And try

to be a good son, sometimes. Tami asks me if I love my eyes, my

smile, the way I look at people... yes, sometimes, I do.

3) She should believe me and trust me.

- So she should believe you.

* I don't know. She doesn't trust me.

- So should she trust you?

*I'd like her to trust me.

- and does she?

* how do you react, when you believe the thougth, that she should

trust you?

- I get sad. I think I know what's best for her. I think I know

better. I feel like I want to protect her from herself. From making a

mistake.

* She should trust you. Who's buisness is it, whom she trusts?

- Hers. but I try to convince her that it's ok to trust me.

* Can you see a reason to drop the thought? - Well, it brings sadness.

* Good reason to let it go. And can you find one stress-free reason

to keep it? - No, not a stress-free one.

* Who would you be, if you could never again think the thought that

should trust you, especially when she doesn't? - I would be

someone who doesn't see a problem. She doesn't trust me, so that's

what she should do. I'd just accept her reaction, I wouldn't try to

convince her of anything. Which has never worked, anyway.

*Who would you be, if you could never again believe that ANYONE

should trust you, at ALL? - Actually, I'd be a damned free person.

I'd be free to do whatever I want, whithout ANY fear of disappointing

someone. I wouldn't have to do anything different from what I want. I

wouldn't fear people feeling let down. At ALL.

* And how does that feel?

- Much freer. Peaceful. I wouldn't tell her wrong. And I'd be able to

honor her wish.

*So, turn it around.

- She should not believe me. - Apparently, that's what she does. Duh!

- I should trust her. - especially in her decision not to trust me,

and not to believe me. Obviously it's for her best interest. And when

I go against that, I would feel that I want to take something away

from me, if I was her.

- I should trust myself - I did not trust myself completely, and

nevertheless, I invited Tami.

5) is sweet, sensitive, funny, loving, hard on herself, hard

on others, vulnerable, mistrusting, small, cute, sexy, passionate,

wants to be right and doesn't see the truth.

I am sweet, sensitive, funny, loving (yes, when I hold my kids in my

arms, sometimes), hard on myself (especially when it comes to being

loving), hard on others (especially when they don't match my plans),

vulnerable (from withdrawal, for instance), mistrusting (especially

when it comes to others judging my competence), small, cute, sexy,

passionate, want to be right (especially on what's best for )

and don't see the truth (that I should just leave her alone)

6) I don't ever want to experience again how withdraws from me.

I am willing to experience again how withdraws from me. -

Interesting, so I can notice what IS best for her.

I am looking forward to experience again how withdraws from

me. - Yes, so that I can see when I got too close.