Guest guest Posted October 14, 2006 Report Share Posted October 14, 2006 My only blood relative I have any contact with is my oldest sister. She is a good hearted person with a good sense of humor and I love her very much. Only thing is, she is I guess what you call codependent. She is always handed out unwanted advice and judging the way I and her kids live our lives. It should be what she thinks is best or she badgers the hell out of you, but in a nice way. She is always on me about one thing or another and it is starting to make me really mad. She once told me people that don't have children are selfish. I do not want kids. He next move was to tell me I shouldn't say that I still have time to have a baby. I repeated to her I do not want kids. Than it is I should get out there and start dating again. Sorry, don't want to right now. still working on me. Well, that isn't healthy, get out there and meet people. And so on and so on,ect... I have explained to her many of times to stop handing that crap out, it makes somebody feel bad and it doesn't show respect to the other persons right to live life as they see fit. Well, she got mad this morning about that and told me, there is nothing wrong with trying to stop someone from making mistakes. I AM READY TO SCREAM!!! Any advice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 14, 2006 Report Share Posted October 14, 2006 Hi , I'm encouraged that you are getting mad. Propagating is no longer a 'social necessity for women', nor is it 'a prerequisite to contributing to the survival of the human race.' Life isn't about preserving, multiplying, our DNA. You are the SANE one in this exchange!!! Don't ever doubt that your choices are right ... for you. Stand your ground in the presence of this judgmental, 'little' thinking person whom you just by an accident of biology happen to be closely related to. Carol In a message dated 10/14/2006 12:18:52 PM Eastern Daylight Time, maryec73@... writes: My only blood relative I have any contact with is my oldest sister. She is a good hearted person with a good sense of humor and I love her very much. Only thing is, she is I guess what you call codependent. She is always handed out unwanted advice and judging the way I and her kids live our lives. It should be what she thinks is best or she badgers the hell out of you, but in a nice way. She is always on me about one thing or another and it is starting to make me really mad. She once told me people that don't have children are selfish. I do not want kids. He next move was to tell me I shouldn't say that I still have time to have a baby. I repeated to her I do not want kids. Than it is I should get out there and start dating again. Sorry, don't want to right now. still working on me. Well, that isn't healthy, get out there and meet people. And so on and so on,ect... I have explained to her many of times to stop handing that crap out, it makes somebody feel bad and it doesn't show respect to the other persons right to live life as they see fit. Well, she got mad this morning about that and told me, there is nothing wrong with trying to stop someone from making mistakes. I AM READY TO SCREAM!!! Any advice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 14, 2006 Report Share Posted October 14, 2006 90% of what people have to say is about them. That being said, how about something like this: " Sis I appreciate how much you value parenthood (etc). You are a great mom (whatever you believe here)! Everyone has their own path to walk. It's obvious motherhood gives you a lot of happiness. I am happy not having children. You can't force your happiness on someone else. I love you and you are driving me nuts. Please stop pushing me and support me in what makes ME happy. " Worth a shot? My $.02 a > > > > My only blood relative I have any contact with is my oldest sister. > She is a good hearted person with a good sense of humor and I love > her very much. Only thing is, she is I guess what you call > codependent. She is always handed out unwanted advice and judging > the way I and her kids live our lives. It should be what she thinks > is best or she badgers the hell out of you, but in a nice way. > > She is always on me about one thing or another and it is starting > to make me really mad. She once told me people that don't have > children are selfish. I do not want kids. He next move was to tell > me I shouldn't say that I still have time to have a baby. I repeated > to her I do not want kids. Than it is I should get out there and > start dating again. Sorry, don't want to right now. still working on > me. Well, that isn't healthy, get out there and meet people. And so > on and so on,ect... > > I have explained to her many of times to stop handing that crap > out, it makes somebody feel bad and it doesn't show respect to the > other persons right to live life as they see fit. Well, she got mad > this morning about that and told me, there is nothing wrong with > trying to stop someone from making mistakes. I AM READY TO SCREAM!!! > > Any advice? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 14, 2006 Report Share Posted October 14, 2006 Hi , Would your sister understand if you told her she was trying to play God with your life (and also the lives of one or more unborn children)? For instance, she thinks you should have children. Is she ready to be responsible for what happens to those children that she wants you to bring into the world? The same thing with your getting into a relationship. What if the relationship didn't work out - is she ready to take responsibility for that as well? She probably doesn't see or think this way. But she IS playing God when she thinks she knows, better than you do, what is in your best interest. Also, this is definitely not a matter of keeping someone from making a mistake. You are exercising your CHOICE. It is her 'mistake' to think that making a choice is the same as making a mistake. Since you have already explained yourself, maybe your next step is to set a boundary that these issues are not up for any kind of discussion. You and she have a difference of opinion. She should respect your opinion, and not try to force you to accept hers. I agree with your assessment that this might be a codependency issue. Otherwise she wouldn't feel responsible for your happiness. And there is something wrong with trying to stop people from making mistakes, when how you try to stop them is to nag at them all the time. Good luck, and take care, Sylvia > > > > My only blood relative I have any contact with is my oldest sister. > She is a good hearted person with a good sense of humor and I love > her very much. Only thing is, she is I guess what you call > codependent. She is always handed out unwanted advice and judging > the way I and her kids live our lives. It should be what she thinks > is best or she badgers the hell out of you, but in a nice way. > > She is always on me about one thing or another and it is starting > to make me really mad. She once told me people that don't have > children are selfish. I do not want kids. He next move was to tell > me I shouldn't say that I still have time to have a baby. I repeated > to her I do not want kids. Than it is I should get out there and > start dating again. Sorry, don't want to right now. still working on > me. Well, that isn't healthy, get out there and meet people. And so > on and so on,ect... > > I have explained to her many of times to stop handing that crap > out, it makes somebody feel bad and it doesn't show respect to the > other persons right to live life as they see fit. Well, she got mad > this morning about that and told me, there is nothing wrong with > trying to stop someone from making mistakes. I AM READY TO SCREAM!!! > > Any advice? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 15, 2006 Report Share Posted October 15, 2006 I agree- SCREAM! Maybe not at her though. Sounds like she's already got anger issues and codependency issues. Perhaps next time she brings the topic of kids up and you having them, you can play a little reverse psychology on her and start asking her why she wants you to have kids so badly? What do her kids mean to her? What about parenting does she think is so vital for you to go through? What is it she's afraid of deep down inside that makes her want to mold you into her exact image? And of course, listen to what she may have to say (not do what she wants you to do, but you may find more truthes about her than you are realizing when the tables get turned). I get the impression that she's very afraid she's screwing up as a mom and wants someone else who can relate to her journey. The thing she's not seeing is that empathy doesn't come from being in the exact same situation as another as it is much a product of being a friend. I'm betting neither of you were shown a lot of empathy growing up and so she's taken the path of codependency while you are seeking autonomy. There is a middle ground though it is difficult to navigate after being raised by a bp mom together under one roof as children. There are many things you could say in defense to snap her head off like only selfish people push their views onto others and that would spark a mental sparring game that would probably go no where. You saw that already w/the suppressed anger you are both feeling. She wants you to walk her path b/c she's so freaking lonely and you are getting pissed off b/c she's pushing you around psychologically. How to navigate communications so that you both have your needs met and feel heard and understood? That is the million dollar question for two children who are siblings raised by a borderline. I do believe it is possible, though much more difficult than if one is not raised in a bp household or weren't siblings. I'm a mom. It is a very scarey journey. I don't think people who chose not to have kids are necessarily selfish and everyone who has kids is necessarily selfless- hello, do we have nada's or what? I suppose by your own sister's logic, she sees nada as very selfless and not selfish at all? Hmm. These are things to ponder and meditate upon. Perhaps your sister is having a hard time reconciling that your mentally ill mother genuinely was very selfish and she doesn't want to see it b/c she loves her own kids so much and is having a hell of a time integrating the way she was raised to the way she feels about her own kids. Denial is powerful. It is a survival tool and as my psychiatrist sister-in-law says, she never takes away people's coping mechanisms until she has replaced them w/other more healthy coping mechanisms. I thought that was brilliant and so if you do decide to psychologically open up your sister like a can of worms, be sure there's a back up plan of how you guys can communicate together in the future, how you can plan on sharing some of these obvious insecurities she has about her own ability to parent that she's not sharing. Best wishes to you and your sister. Good relationships are worth fighting for though often the fight is rarely about arguing and more and more about learning how to grow together vs apart. You're at an impasse for a good reason and I seriously do not think these are your issues as much as her issues she's projecting (and everyone projects at one time or another. The borderline just does it on an extreme level like everything else a bp does). Kerrie > > > > My only blood relative I have any contact with is my oldest sister. > She is a good hearted person with a good sense of humor and I love > her very much. Only thing is, she is I guess what you call > codependent. She is always handed out unwanted advice and judging > the way I and her kids live our lives. It should be what she thinks > is best or she badgers the hell out of you, but in a nice way. > > She is always on me about one thing or another and it is starting > to make me really mad. She once told me people that don't have > children are selfish. I do not want kids. He next move was to tell > me I shouldn't say that I still have time to have a baby. I repeated > to her I do not want kids. Than it is I should get out there and > start dating again. Sorry, don't want to right now. still working on > me. Well, that isn't healthy, get out there and meet people. And so > on and so on,ect... > > I have explained to her many of times to stop handing that crap > out, it makes somebody feel bad and it doesn't show respect to the > other persons right to live life as they see fit. Well, she got mad > this morning about that and told me, there is nothing wrong with > trying to stop someone from making mistakes. I AM READY TO SCREAM!!! > > Any advice? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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