Re: Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex

[Guest guest]

Easier said then done...by learning to love yourself.

Nothing exudes sexy like self confidence!

>

> Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex, is this something that is

> common? I can't find a meaningful connection with a person of the

> opposite sex. I've always felt asshamed when I've been intimiate

with

> a women. It seems like god and nada are watching me and shaking

their

> heads, maybe like that Tito video. I feel like women are

> usually to good for me and deserve someone better, I think this that

> whole self esteem that nada has programed in my head, deal. Can

anyone

> relate? How do I get my mojo back aka self esteem?

>

[Guest guest]

,

You're getting your self-esteem back and it takes time. Yet, I think that you

will find a lot more of it after your Emerson trip in the woods. ;o)

Greg.

j1mcninc wrote:

Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex, is this something that is

common? I can't find a meaningful connection with a person of the

opposite sex. I've always felt asshamed when I've been intimiate with

a women. It seems like god and nada are watching me and shaking their

heads, maybe like that Tito video. I feel like women are

usually to good for me and deserve someone better, I think this that

whole self esteem that nada has programed in my head, deal. Can anyone

relate? How do I get my mojo back aka self esteem?

---------------------------------

Get your own web address for just $1.99/1st yr. We'll help. Yahoo! Small

Business.

[Guest guest]

,

One thing I've noticed about myself is that when I'm not connected to

myself or feeling like I'm going through a lot of changes and

rediscovering me or discovering me period, the people I attract aren't

always the ones that are there for the long haul- the ones that are

best for me and the ones that know me really well b/c of course during

those times, I don't exactly feel like I know me. Kind of like fishing

in a swamp and being depressed or waking up from this insanity and all

that jazz is like swamp fishing- what's caught is better of left in the

murky water vs wasting more bait.

I do remember last year when I got back from a HEAVY FOO encounter

after evacuating the hurricane and then being back in my own home turf,

I was totally upside down inside if that makes sense. My normal peace

was shattered and even this town I call home which is hundreds of miles

away from any relatives (well besides dh and the kids), just felt too

close. I couldn't get a firm grasp again on relationships b/c I'd been

burned so hardcore and I was just raw, raw, raw. Well, I remember being

stir crazy in the house (and gosh was I sooo stir crazy back then b/c I

didn't want to be alone w/my thoughts- just too darn depressing), and

deciding to take the kids out to the park downtown. It was a huge, huge

park and this guy said hello to us on one route and he was much bigger

than I and I had my double stroller w/both kids. Then later on I wanted

to go to this remote garden area where no one was and this stranger

shows up again. He seemed friendly enough, but I was sooooo out of

touch w/my inner self that I just walked away and said 'bye' and made

it really clear- 'stay the hell away from me'. I don't welcome

familiarity from an unfamiliar in my normal setting. I definitely knew

back then I was sooo out of touch w/me that I definitely had the

propensity to pull in a total freakazoid or something and God only

knows what kind of jeopardy it would put my kids in and so I resorted

to my father in law's statement of 'politeness is over rated.' I wanted

the guy to think I was a rude biotch just b/c I didn't want to get to

know him. I've got a freaking wedding ring on w/two kids and here this

guy is trying to keep making chitchat w/me when I'm just at peace at

the park, or trying to find peace, with my kids. I was disturbed by how

out of touch I was with my ability to read him and the situation. The

FOO totally turned me upside down and inside out and I was not about to

be friendly to a stranger just b/c deep down I was dying of loneliness

b/c of their recent abuse and just feeling so isolated. I think that is

how KOs get themselves in bigger trouble or even bps- looking for love

in all the wrong places and finding danger.

I know I've had some real whacked out situations in my younger years-

some psycho slashing my tires, a staulker boyfriend, a boyfriend who

broke my colar bone and held me hostage all night long - serious insane

situations I would not encounter in my world today b/c quite frankly I

do know myself and I don't want to be liked by everyone. In fact I

prefer not to be liked by some people. But when I'm psychologically

burned, the tendency is to look outside self for validation and love

and that's when I've run a muck. Not ironically, when I moved to

college and away from nada and started getting my life in order, I did

not have the tendency to pull as many nut jobs in my life.

Dysfunctional and colorful people, yes, but not people who would or did

seriously scare the crap out of me or hurt me. Only when I moved back

in w/nada for a few years to watch out for lil brother did I find

myself pulling some real whackos in my life.

For what its worth, I'd say just play low for now- keep a low profile

and figure out what makes you tick before trying to pull anyone else

into the equation. I don't need to tell you, but you definitely don't

want to end up w/a bp or something (that happened to me when I lived

w/nada-was engaged to the creep and moved in w/him for a year when I

went away to the four year university to finish my degree- totally had

the light dawn on me and dumped his butt- shudder to image that road

not taken).

Best wishes to you.

K

>

> Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex, is this something that is

> common? I can't find a meaningful connection with a person of the

> opposite sex. I've always felt asshamed when I've been intimiate with

> a women. It seems like god and nada are watching me and shaking their

> heads, maybe like that Tito video. I feel like women are

> usually to good for me and deserve someone better, I think this that

> whole self esteem that nada has programed in my head, deal. Can

anyone

> relate? How do I get my mojo back aka self esteem?

>

[Guest guest]

Confidence it is then, I've done some impossible things thus why not

just keep going?

> >

> > Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex, is this something that is

> > common? I can't find a meaningful connection with a person of the

> > opposite sex. I've always felt asshamed when I've been intimiate

> with

> > a women. It seems like god and nada are watching me and shaking

> their

> > heads, maybe like that Tito video. I feel like women are

> > usually to good for me and deserve someone better, I think this that

> > whole self esteem that nada has programed in my head, deal. Can

> anyone

> > relate? How do I get my mojo back aka self esteem?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ...yeah I can relate, and I can tell you that its better you're

asking yourself these sorts of questions instead of just settling for

something easy with the wrong person

K's post said it well: when we're in a rough place personally and not

sure of ourselves as individuals, there's not gonna be a great fish

hooked on your line.

It sounds like you've got some tapes playing in your head that have

brainwashed you into believing you're not good enough. A lot of us know

how THAT feels...but you won't always feel that way. You really won't.

One of the things that helped me the most was to listen to myself (not

the tapes) and find those things that truly pleased me and do them.

Like artistic stuff (I do lampworking-glass in a torch), fishing,

hunting, camping, going to art galleries, etc. The things that are

part of you that you deserve to do will strengthen your relationship

with yourself. It also helps define what YOUR life is like, which is

important when it comes to considering adding someone to your life. You

gotta know who is and what likes before you get in a

relationship, otherwise how will you know you're getting what you want?

Greg mentioned a trip you're planning, in the woods? Sounds like an

awesome decision, and he's right...it will help

The old adage is true...love yourself before others can love you. And

you got some major mindscrewing from the people that left tapes in your

head that make you think you're not good enough for a good woman.

You've got to believe it yourself before a good woman will see it. Its

the whole confidence thing, and its very true that confidence attracts!

Hope you enjoy your woods trip, and those tapes start to be recorded

over by YOUR voice

e

>

> Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex, is this something that is

> common? I can't find a meaningful connection with a person of the

> opposite sex. I've always felt asshamed when I've been intimiate with

> a women. It seems like god and nada are watching me and shaking their

> heads, maybe like that Tito video. I feel like women are

> usually to good for me and deserve someone better, I think this that

> whole self esteem that nada has programed in my head, deal. Can

anyone

> relate? How do I get my mojo back aka self esteem?

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate, too, . A variation: I always felt overly grateful

to women with whom I was engaged sexually. I've been married nine

years and I still struggle with this. " Ashamed " , yes, I concur. I

often feel like a predator, a deviant, ashamed of my sexual feelings.

And as everyone has said in the thread here, self-esteem is both the

source of the problem (lack of it) and the solution (more of it).

Personally, I think my issue is mired in my nada's " good boy " . I

recall introducing nada to a girl I was dating in college; after said

girl walked away, nada said to me, " That's too much woman for you. "

No, I don't have to looking too hard for the source of this one.

Another thing I'll share in kind, since you had the courage to raise a

topic that I'm not comfortable discussing: when I've been in a

relationship, and for any reason registering low self-esteem, I find

that this manifests as sexual neediness; so in this way, I set myself

up to be rejected--my " invitation " is indirect, unclear, and ripe for

dismissal.

So, yes, focus on the self. Build the self. And I'll recommend the

book " Betrayal of the Self " by Arno Gruen--it's years out of print but

well worth the effort if you can find it.

> >

> > Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex, is this something that is

> > common? I can't find a meaningful connection with a person of the

> > opposite sex. I've always felt asshamed when I've been intimiate with

> > a women. It seems like god and nada are watching me and shaking their

> > heads, maybe like that Tito video. I feel like women are

> > usually to good for me and deserve someone better, I think this that

> > whole self esteem that nada has programed in my head, deal. Can

> anyone

> > relate? How do I get my mojo back aka self esteem?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you e!

> >

> > Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex, is this something that is

> > common? I can't find a meaningful connection with a person of the

> > opposite sex. I've always felt asshamed when I've been intimiate with

> > a women. It seems like god and nada are watching me and shaking their

> > heads, maybe like that Tito video. I feel like women are

> > usually to good for me and deserve someone better, I think this that

> > whole self esteem that nada has programed in my head, deal. Can

> anyone

> > relate? How do I get my mojo back aka self esteem?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My Fada was the BP and I can say for certain that I ( & my sisters)

went thru some bad relationships with men we thought were " normal "

because they were just like Fada.

When I was a teenager my Fada told me in uncertain terms that men are

only in a relationship for sex, and basically that if I didn't put

out, any man would leave me. That kinda f-ed up how I saw men. I was

a bit surprised when I found out some men were interested in me for

other reasons.

I definitely agree that you have to be happy with yourself by yourself

before you'll ever be happy in a relationship. Confidence in yourself

is key, but achieving that is hard. For me, I needed to stop caring

what Fada (or anyone else) thought of my relationships. I needed to

start caring what I needed from a relationship, and drop expectations

for what I thought a relationship " should " be.

Feelings of confidence in a relationship come with trust &

communication. If you can't be emotionally intimate with a woman,

it'll probably be hard to be physically intimate with her as well. In

a good relationship you can talk-up the positives & ignore or downplay

the negatives, regarding any situation. If you avoid talking about

issues because you are afraid a woman will play-up your negatives

(like Nada probably did), you need to remind yourself that if they do

put you down habitually, you are better than that, & you should get

out of that relationship. On the other hand, [normal] people don't

tend to compliment you if they don't mean it, so keep your ear out for

compliments from women & let yourself feel good about it!

>

> Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex, is this something that is

> common? I can't find a meaningful connection with a person of the

> opposite sex. I've always felt asshamed when I've been intimiate with

> a women. It seems like god and nada are watching me and shaking their

> heads, maybe like that Tito video. I feel like women are

> usually to good for me and deserve someone better, I think this that

> whole self esteem that nada has programed in my head, deal. Can anyone

> relate? How do I get my mojo back aka self esteem?

>

[Guest guest]

Fvoic, Thanks for sharing such important information. I had to read and reread

your nada's response of " that is too much woman for you. " How the fuck would

she know? I think she was projecting that your girlfriend posed to much of a

challenge to her - the ole projection thing. I'm gay and my nada has said to me

over and over again, " No man would ever be good enough for you (when I was split

white). And besides, I want you all to myself. " The first time she said this,

I felt kinda angry and icky and told her that is not a healthy attitude,

especially for a mother. The next couple of times, I told interruputed her and

finally I hung up. I read this book by Mike Lew called " Victem No More " or

Longer. And, , this one is more for healing the sexual abuse that we each

sustained. It really helped empower me as a man to see where I was on the road

to recovery due to sexual abuse and what I needed to do next. I think that this

might be of interest in answering your

earlier question. If you think about it, about 10% of sex is between the

legs/physical; the other 90% is in the head/heart. I've been celebate for 6

years by choice - a frustrating choice at times. Yet, I don't want to hook up

with the wrong kinda guy or make my issues his. I'm almost done with the issues

that I thougth being celebate would be necessary.

All my best,

Greg.

fvoid06 wrote:

I can relate, too, . A variation: I always felt overly grateful

to women with whom I was engaged sexually. I've been married nine

years and I still struggle with this. " Ashamed " , yes, I concur. I

often feel like a predator, a deviant, ashamed of my sexual feelings.

And as everyone has said in the thread here, self-esteem is both the

source of the problem (lack of it) and the solution (more of it).

Personally, I think my issue is mired in my nada's " good boy " . I

recall introducing nada to a girl I was dating in college; after said

girl walked away, nada said to me, " That's too much woman for you. "

No, I don't have to looking too hard for the source of this one.

Another thing I'll share in kind, since you had the courage to raise a

topic that I'm not comfortable discussing: when I've been in a

relationship, and for any reason registering low self-esteem, I find

that this manifests as sexual neediness; so in this way, I set myself

up to be rejected--my " invitation " is indirect, unclear, and ripe for

dismissal.

So, yes, focus on the self. Build the self. And I'll recommend the

book " Betrayal of the Self " by Arno Gruen--it's years out of print but

well worth the effort if you can find it.

> >

> > Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex, is this something that is

> > common? I can't find a meaningful connection with a person of the

> > opposite sex. I've always felt asshamed when I've been intimiate with

> > a women. It seems like god and nada are watching me and shaking their

> > heads, maybe like that Tito video. I feel like women are

> > usually to good for me and deserve someone better, I think this that

> > whole self esteem that nada has programed in my head, deal. Can

> anyone

> > relate? How do I get my mojo back aka self esteem?

> >

>

---------------------------------

Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

I always wanted to be single uncle , I thought that this was my

fate and I was OK with that. In the last 30 days I've had this great

awakening and I yern for something meaningful and healthy. I don't

want to be asexual any longer. I'm gonna be smart about it though, I

can wait for me to heal a bit and not jump on the first hussy that

comes along.

On another note, tomorrow I go into the wild. I will be back on the

same day. Talk to you later

Thanks Greg,

> > >

> > > Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex, is this something

that is

> > > common? I can't find a meaningful connection with a person of the

> > > opposite sex. I've always felt asshamed when I've been intimiate

with

> > > a women. It seems like god and nada are watching me and shaking

their

> > > heads, maybe like that Tito video. I feel like women are

> > > usually to good for me and deserve someone better, I think this

that

> > > whole self esteem that nada has programed in my head, deal. Can

> > anyone

> > > relate? How do I get my mojo back aka self esteem?

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com

>

>

[Guest guest]

Kath,

my fada told my sisters " men are only in relationships for sex " but

the message was " so stay away from them. " This " fact " about men was

relayed to me by my sisters and I've since gone through life thinking

women think of me as preying on them for sex. It sucks to have had

something natural poisoned like that; it can and must be undone.

Greg,

thanks--projections indeed. I can completely relate to feeling " icky

and angry " with respect to anything nada. Just having a phone to my

ear with her on the other end feels way too intimate. I do hope for

you that you're able to transcend whatever issues pushed you toward

celibacy; you show tremendous strength to have remained so six years,

and deserve a lifetime of romance when you're ready.

SP

[Guest guest]

Wow, this has been an amazing thread!

My nada's message to me was " there are no good men out there " -- which I always

assumed was meant to justify herself because she's always been alone. But now

I'm thinking maybe this was more about projection, and that maybe she was trying

to keep me single so I could continue being her surrogate spouse?

Ewwww......!!!

Shana

Re: Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Kath,

>

> my fada told my sisters " men are only in relationships for sex " but

> the message was " so stay away from them. " This " fact " about men was

> relayed to me by my sisters and I've since gone through life thinking

> women think of me as preying on them for sex. It sucks to have had

> something natural poisoned like that; it can and must be undone.

>

> Greg,

>

> thanks--projections indeed. I can completely relate to feeling " icky

> and angry " with respect to anything nada. Just having a phone to my

> ear with her on the other end feels way too intimate. I do hope for

> you that you're able to transcend whatever issues pushed you toward

> celibacy; you show tremendous strength to have remained so six years,

> and deserve a lifetime of romance when you're ready.

>

> SP

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Bingo

slarsen988@... wrote: Wow, this has been an amazing thread!

My nada's message to me was " there are no good men out there " -- which I always

assumed was meant to justify herself because she's always been alone. But now

I'm thinking maybe this was more about projection, and that maybe she was trying

to keep me single so I could continue being her surrogate spouse?

Ewwww......!!!

Shana

Re: Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Kath,

>

> my fada told my sisters " men are only in relationships for sex " but

> the message was " so stay away from them. " This " fact " about men was

> relayed to me by my sisters and I've since gone through life thinking

> women think of me as preying on them for sex. It sucks to have had

> something natural poisoned like that; it can and must be undone.

>

> Greg,

>

> thanks--projections indeed. I can completely relate to feeling " icky

> and angry " with respect to anything nada. Just having a phone to my

> ear with her on the other end feels way too intimate. I do hope for

> you that you're able to transcend whatever issues pushed you toward

> celibacy; you show tremendous strength to have remained so six years,

> and deserve a lifetime of romance when you're ready.

>

> SP

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think that a father cautioning his daughter about boys wanting sex

from her would be more normal, as long as it's in context (the old

" sex is for when two people love eachother very much... " ) But

relaying the message to son's & daughters that sex is the only thing

all men want, that's f-ed up. Like you said: it can make boys feel

like a constant preditor, and make them think their feelings of " love "

are unnatural. And girls then don't ever expect a man to love them,

they expect to love a man who has sex with them.

My brother told me for his 18th birthday Fada gave him a 6pack of beer

& a box of condoms.

After I posted that yesterday, I was thinking about it more and I

remembered more about the specific incident that f-ed up my view of

sex. I think it was my 16th birthday, and he had gotten me flowers

for my birthday. Now, I've always been a tom-boy, play-in-the-dirt

type of girl. I really don't think much of jewelry or flowers. You'd

think after 16yrs Fada would know this... and so I made some comment

about not being that into flowers. But what I didn't realize was; the

flowers weren't for me, they were for me to appreciate him for getting

me! And obviously I didn't appreciate them enough. I'm not quite

sure how he went from raging on me about not appreciating flowers to

sex, but during his rage he sang a bit of Barbera Streisand's " You

Don't Bring Me Flowers, " which he said the real meaning behind was

" You don't give me blowjobs any more. "

For a long while I thought sex & love could & should be separate

things in life. I can say now from experience that trying to separate

them ruined both.

>

> Kath,

>

> my fada told my sisters " men are only in relationships for sex " but

> the message was " so stay away from them. " This " fact " about men was

> relayed to me by my sisters and I've since gone through life thinking

> women think of me as preying on them for sex. It sucks to have had

> something natural poisoned like that; it can and must be undone.

>

> Greg,

>

> thanks--projections indeed. I can completely relate to feeling " icky

> and angry " with respect to anything nada. Just having a phone to my

> ear with her on the other end feels way too intimate. I do hope for

> you that you're able to transcend whatever issues pushed you toward

> celibacy; you show tremendous strength to have remained so six years,

> and deserve a lifetime of romance when you're ready.

>

> SP

>

[Guest guest]

Kath,

Then that is really sick and f'd up with him giving you flowers. I'm sorry

you have such a perv for a dad, which is part of their insanity. you deserve a

loving dad.

greg.

Kath wrote:

I think that a father cautioning his daughter about boys wanting sex

from her would be more normal, as long as it's in context (the old

" sex is for when two people love eachother very much... " ) But

relaying the message to son's & daughters that sex is the only thing

all men want, that's f-ed up. Like you said: it can make boys feel

like a constant preditor, and make them think their feelings of " love "

are unnatural. And girls then don't ever expect a man to love them,

they expect to love a man who has sex with them.

My brother told me for his 18th birthday Fada gave him a 6pack of beer

& a box of condoms.

After I posted that yesterday, I was thinking about it more and I

remembered more about the specific incident that f-ed up my view of

sex. I think it was my 16th birthday, and he had gotten me flowers

for my birthday. Now, I've always been a tom-boy, play-in-the-dirt

type of girl. I really don't think much of jewelry or flowers. You'd

think after 16yrs Fada would know this... and so I made some comment

about not being that into flowers. But what I didn't realize was; the

flowers weren't for me, they were for me to appreciate him for getting

me! And obviously I didn't appreciate them enough. I'm not quite

sure how he went from raging on me about not appreciating flowers to

sex, but during his rage he sang a bit of Barbera Streisand's " You

Don't Bring Me Flowers, " which he said the real meaning behind was

" You don't give me blowjobs any more. "

For a long while I thought sex & love could & should be separate

things in life. I can say now from experience that trying to separate

them ruined both.

>

> Kath,

>

> my fada told my sisters " men are only in relationships for sex " but

> the message was " so stay away from them. " This " fact " about men was

> relayed to me by my sisters and I've since gone through life thinking

> women think of me as preying on them for sex. It sucks to have had

> something natural poisoned like that; it can and must be undone.

>

> Greg,

>

> thanks--projections indeed. I can completely relate to feeling " icky

> and angry " with respect to anything nada. Just having a phone to my

> ear with her on the other end feels way too intimate. I do hope for

> you that you're able to transcend whatever issues pushed you toward

> celibacy; you show tremendous strength to have remained so six years,

> and deserve a lifetime of romance when you're ready.

>

> SP

>

---------------------------------

Get your own web address for just $1.99/1st yr. We'll help. Yahoo! Small

Business.

[Guest guest]

,

Your so not alone. I'm 36 and I hate the thoughts of dating. My

last boyfriend was someone I worked with and got to know that way and

was just so sweet and comfy to be around that he put me at ease. I

broke up with him 4 years ago and I have tried dating and I HATE IT!!!

I do think learning to love yourself is important and that is what I

am working on know. All this bpd stuff and nadas death went down after

I broke up with this guy. I am enjoying being alone and free right

now, however I do want someone one day to grow old with and heck if I

know how you do that? I think my only shot is I'm pretty, got that

from nada. So, heres what I figure, if I look good and stand there and

force a smile and say hello to people maybe it will stick on a decent

fellow-HA HA HA!!!

I keep thinking about what Elaine on Seinfeld said, " 95% of the

population is undatable " , Jerry replied, Undatable? than how are all

these people getting together? " Elaine- " ALCOHOL " .

>

> Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex, is this something that is

> common? I can't find a meaningful connection with a person of the

> opposite sex. I've always felt asshamed when I've been intimiate

with

> a women. It seems like god and nada are watching me and shaking

their

> heads, maybe like that Tito video. I feel like women are

> usually to good for me and deserve someone better, I think this that

> whole self esteem that nada has programed in my head, deal. Can

anyone

> relate? How do I get my mojo back aka self esteem?

>

[Guest guest]

,

I know what you mean about dating not being fun. I used to hate it, but I

haven't been on a date in years b/c I knew I had work to do on myself first.

But I read in this gay e-zine tips on how to date and they were really helpful.

I'll share a few.

- Watch your expectations!!! And then know them so that you can recite them

verbatim. What do you expect from this date? You're of my generation and know

all those Golden book fairy tales? Well, those damn F'ers are still lurking

around in our subconscious. Get this: 12% of our behavior is directed by our

conscious mind; 88% is directed by our subconscious mind. We train our

subconscious how to do things through many methods, experience being the

biggest. Think about it: every time you drive your car, you make the conscious

decision to go somewhere, but your driving is mainly done by the subconscious

(turning the car on, pushing the clutch in, puttint it in drive, steering, etc).

If it wasn't you would have to relearn how to drive everytime you got in the

car.

Back to dating. We all have these hidden expectations in our subconscious and

some in our conscious. I call it the Golden Book syndrome: Underneath it all,

(this is an informal study I did for fun) we all think that Mr. or Mrs. Right is

predestined to come and meet us with little effort. In fact, from our training

in those folk tales/books, they will save us. Just think of all the

expectations that are loaded in that!! That's a lot to put on one man/woman. I

sure wouldn't want that. = RUN! But I do believe in Romance and I don't

believe in coincidences. I've studied " Choas Theory " and it was just to messy.

LMAOROTF

So here is (for us) Mr. Right (in our MINDS) sitting across the table from us

for dinner or coffee. We have all these expectations secretly DEMANDING that

this guy fits them. And so does HE. Enter all the nervousness and anxiety and

it makes a business transaction look like playing.

So, know what expectations you have that you can reach, some are hidden.

Realistic or not realistic? Check them out with a trusted friend.

Bottom line: Date with a mindset of " I'm might meet a potential friend

today/tonight. So I'm going out to have fun. "

This takes the pressure off b/c it'snot a date date. When those expectations

pop up, remind yourself (I've done this and it works) that I am meeting a man

that might be a new friend. If they can't be a friend, the relationship won't

work. This is where to start.

Other things that take stress out of dating:

- Know what you want in your Big, Strong, Steed - Hunk-of-a-Hunk-a-Man.

haha. Yes, it has been over six years; bear with me.

- Know your strengths and areas to work on in relationships.

- Know what things you are willing to compromise on and what areas are not.

- Know how far you are willing to go that evening or afternoon/that meeting.

- Keep the date to no more than 2 hours max.

- Date in a safe place, drive yourself, phone a girlfriend, etc.

- This is an important one for us survivors: Don't divulge too much info too

soon. If he/she is Mr(s) Right then you both have a life time to explore each

other. Same goes for your date. Too much info too soon is a HUGE red flag.

Most of us were taught to do this from our insane parents.

- Keep it fun, do things that are fun and talk about things that interest you.

Don't put the label of DATE on it; you're meeting a stranger that could become a

friend and then more.

- Oh, research shows that the more you have in common the greater the

likelihood that you will stay together for the long term, if that is your goal.

- My mentor, Dr. _______ told me that it takes about 9 dates to meet one

suitable man to move forwards on. I nearly cried.

- Bring your style into it.

- Think of questions that you would dread being asked and find good answers to

them or change the subject. practice with a friend.

Above all = have fun!!!!! And this is where I think being a survivor enters

in again = spontenaiety (sp?). So, say yes when he asks, Do you want to go

bungie jumping? hahah.

- Humor is very important. Seriously.

Greg.

PS - please keep this and email it to me when I freak out about dating. ;o)

PPS - IF you laughed and had some fun reading this, that is what a date should

feel like. Fun, exciting, safe-relaxed, and unknown.

maryec73 wrote:

,

Your so not alone. I'm 36 and I hate the thoughts of dating. My

last boyfriend was someone I worked with and got to know that way and

was just so sweet and comfy to be around that he put me at ease. I

broke up with him 4 years ago and I have tried dating and I HATE IT!!!

I do think learning to love yourself is important and that is what I

am working on know. All this bpd stuff and nadas death went down after

I broke up with this guy. I am enjoying being alone and free right

now, however I do want someone one day to grow old with and heck if I

know how you do that? I think my only shot is I'm pretty, got that

from nada. So, heres what I figure, if I look good and stand there and

force a smile and say hello to people maybe it will stick on a decent

fellow-HA HA HA!!!

I keep thinking about what Elaine on Seinfeld said, " 95% of the

population is undatable " , Jerry replied, Undatable? than how are all

these people getting together? " Elaine- " ALCOHOL " .

>

> Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex, is this something that is

> common? I can't find a meaningful connection with a person of the

> opposite sex. I've always felt asshamed when I've been intimiate

with

> a women. It seems like god and nada are watching me and shaking

their

> heads, maybe like that Tito video. I feel like women are

> usually to good for me and deserve someone better, I think this that

> whole self esteem that nada has programed in my head, deal. Can

anyone

> relate? How do I get my mojo back aka self esteem?

>

---------------------------------

Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+

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[Guest guest]

, I think it's great that your working through this now. YES, it

is very common for KO's to struggle with relationships(same or

opposite sex depending on their orientation). I know I have. I

definitely think that awareness of BP helps--I didn't find out about

BP until I was already married, but once I learned about it and how it

had affected me, it made my relationship with my husband so much

easier(after about a year of therapy). The things that helped me were

realizing that my husband was not like nada (deliberately trying to

hurt me etc.), realizing that there was nothing secretly wrong with

me, and learning to feel and express my anger appropriately(at DH and

everyone else).

I think that for guys with a BP mother, there's an additional area to

explore. I look at my brothers and see that they use my nada as their

model for women. It's hard to avoid. I used to use her as my model

for women and it made me not want to be a woman--I'm glad I'm over

that now:) One of my brothers gets really angry whenever his

girlfirends remind him of my nada and he then heads for the hills.

The other brother continually searches out women that remind us all of

nada and then begins these awful, entangled, manipulative

relationships with them.

Anyway, I think dealing with your general KO issues through therapy

can really help you clean up your act in terms of relationships.

Things will get exponentially better in that respect once you know

about dealing with anger, expressing boundaries etc. And, of course,

once you begin to believe that you are really a good person and that

there is nothing else wrong with you. That last one sounded like a

hard thing to accomplish when I first started out--but I got there

eventually and even when I backslide now, I at least know not to dwell

there. You can do it.

Trish

>

> Strange relationships w/ the opposite sex, is this something that is

> common? I can't find a meaningful connection with a person of the

> opposite sex. I've always felt asshamed when I've been intimiate with

> a women. It seems like god and nada are watching me and shaking their

> heads, maybe like that Tito video. I feel like women are

> usually to good for me and deserve someone better, I think this that

> whole self esteem that nada has programed in my head, deal. Can anyone

> relate? How do I get my mojo back aka self esteem?

>