Work on stage fear / panic attacks

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I have not posted here more than a couple of times. I would

appreciate your feedback on my work on panic attacks I get when

performing on stage or having to speak publicly. I have had this

fear for 23 years and the only way I have been able to live with

it has been to confont it. So, I have pushed myself to do what I

fear, time and time again. It has made the fear a bit smaller, but I

still panic sometimes, and worst part is I never know when it will

happen.

* When I did my presentation, I panicked and failed and lost my face.

1) Is it true?

Yes! I really failed! My face was all red, my feet trembled, my

hands were shaking like hell, my voice weak with fear.

2) Can you absolutely know it's true?

No. It is true that I panicked. But probably not true that I failed

and lost my face. I could consider this: I panicked big time, but I

managed. This means that even if I panic, I will manage. This should

be VERY GOOD NEWS. Because it proves that that's the worst thing

that can happen!

3) How do you react when you think that?

Where does the feeling hit you, where do you feel it in your body

when you believe that thought? How far does the feeling travel?

Describe it. I start panicking again, my stomach hurts, I feel like

crying. The feeling travels to the core of me, it covers me 100%,

makes me totally isolated from my environment.

What pictures do you see when you believe that thought? Watch it, be

still, notice. I see myself as a total failure, people pitying me

for being so weak. I see my life before the panic and after. After

is like depression, being totally fake, weak, never succeeding in

anything again, my career ruined, my life ruined, I see myself

sitting alone, jobless, no family, I have lost all because I failed

and it became a self fulfilling prophecy.

When did that thought first occur to you? In 1983, so 23 years ago.

So long I have carried this fear inside, sometimes stronger fear,

sometimes a bit lighter. But always there. Life with anxiety…

How do you treat others when you believe that thought? What do you

say to them? What do you do? Whom does your mind attack and how? Be

specific. I withdraw, as I am ashamed of myself. I see others as

competent, 100% better than me. I see others as normal and myself as

abnormal. Crazy, strange woman in the world of winners. I also shut

out other people, I stop listening, all I can think about is my own

self-awareness and my raising panic.

How do you treat yourself when you believe that thought? Is this

where addictions kick in and you reach for food, alcohol, credit

cards, the TV remote? Do thoughts of self-hatred occur? What are

they? I treat me like a piece of shit. First, I try to avoid the

shitty feeling by lying to myself that all went fine, then I start

realizing I screwed up. I take a drink to get out of my panic, I

take junk food to consol myself like a baby. I hate myself for

screwing up my possibilities.

How have you lived your life because you believed that thought? Be

specific. Close your eyes, watch your past.I have panicked months

beforehand for any occasion where I need to speak in public. I have

forced myself to face my fear time and time again, being violent

towards myself, to avoid the utter feeling of despair and unability.

I have tried to play better, a person who has no issues.

Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life? So huge

stress, and for such a long time, that I absolutely hate it. The one

issue that has prevented me from enjoying my life.

Where does your mind travel when you believe that thought? (List any

underlying beliefs, and inquire later.) I am failure. I am abnormal.

I am not fit for this job – it should belong to someone who is

better. I am weak. I am crazy. This is the most terrible thing. I

cannot survive this. I fear this more than death.

Whose business are you in when you think that thought? Mine. Really?

Can you really have impact on your stage fear? A lot. By meeting my

fear with kindness and understanding. By meeting me, the fearful

girl, with kindness and understanding, even humour. Instead of

meeting me with criticism, harshness, ridicule.

What do you get for holding onto that belief? Nothing but pain. I

just create my panic, making me fail and fail again.

4) Who would you be without the thought?

How would you live life differently if you didn't believe that

thought? Close your eyes and imagine life without it. Being myself,

accepting and loving me just the way I am. No need to be better, but

need to be me. Different and proud of it. Relaxed, smiling, open.

Loving myself. Free to move. Enjoying my funny job.

Imagine you are meeting this issue for the very first time with no

story. What do you see? A woman doing her best, wanting to make a

good impression, being great at performing once she forgets her

fear. Very courageous woman who does not accept that her fears

control her. A woman willing to face all her fears to learn.

Who are you right now, sitting here without that thought? Free.

Absolutely free from my fears. Not fearing my fears, but welcoming

my fears when they come. Greeting my fears, my old friends, with

kindness. No shoulds, all is perfect as it is.

TA: I did not panic, I did not fail, I did not lose my face.

True… I labeled the experience as " panic " . But what I sensed was

heart pounding, knees weak, hands shaking, thoughts driving me mad.

Was it panic? I dunno.

If you lived this turnaround, what would you do, or how would you

live your life, differently? I would be open. I would not fear

failure. I would welcome failure when it comes.

TA: My thinking panicked, failed and lost its face.

Very true! It was not me, but my thinking. And to be precise, it was

not my thinking, but the fact that I attached to my insane thoughts,

that brought me the panic. Did you do it? No, it was totally against

my will, and that was the scary part. I desparately wanted it to

stop, but it only continued stronger. The more desparate I became,

the more panic increased.

Love,

La Naranja