Re: First email from nada in 10 months

[Guest guest]

Sylvia, Thanks for the reply, Good idea about if they ask not to lie

it may only cause more emails I didn`t think of that. I was thinking

about your statement on the prayers of a bp and magical thinking. I

think you are correct, I also think maybe it has to do with the fact

they are screwed up they don't even know it and wouldn't know how to

change if it change hit them in the face point blank. Because

nothing is wrong with them right? Change is to hard for them it

would mean they are not perfect which is not cool for a bp unless of

course they give you the general statement nobody's perfect in order

to dodge the blame. I find it really funny on here how all of our

mothers used the same lines or say the same things or try to hide

behind the same lines. It is like if you have talked to one bp you

have talked to them all. Thanks again for the reply It was very

helpful. Love Lizzy

> >

> > Hi All, I woke up this morning to check my emails and come on

here

> > and I got an email from nada. I have changed my accounts and my

> > phone numbers and where I have lived and we have tried being

> > unlisted and going n/c with everybody in my whole life and

living

> in

> > a shell it doesn't work. I feel controlled and she gets worse, I

> > think being anonyms works great for some people but my nada

turns

> > into like a crazy caged mad man and she will try anything to

hunt

> me

> > down and destroy me those are her words. So I just live my life

as

> > normal as I can but really what is normal? Well anyways like I

> said

> > I am not hiding and my nada just wrote me an email today, I have

> to

> > give her credit it was much less crazy than the rest, could she

be

> > slowing down?….NAH! Maybe this is just another calm before the

> > storm. She had the same old lines " This is my last time,

> > unconditional love " " I am sick you would care anyways " " Granny

is

> > hurt, your sister thinks she doesn't have a sister " " Your dad

> can't

> > take it anymore…your dad… " and btw my dad and I have been

talking

> > aside from this month we have been talking just fine! But she

did

> > throw in a new one and that surprised me " if you could forgive I

> > would start over today " Anyways would you all read it and let

me

> > know what you think. I am tempted to ask my dad personally if

this

> > is how he feels and try to stop the triangulation but would that

> be

> > stupid? Let me know your impute. And btw I talked to my sister

> last

> > spring when I dedicated her that song unwritten and she said to

me

> > she was happy to hear from me and she said she was happy I

> contacted

> > her when I did because it showed her I cared. One other thing

that

> > surprised me was they said something about life insurance on me?

> > Well that is new to me what were they planning? Also I am sure

her

> > Kidneys almost did fail she has been struggling w/ them but by

> fault

> > of her own. Remember I said she has conversion reaction formerly

> > known as hysteria She really thinks she is sick and suffering

with

> > things that she does not suffer from. Like fake fainting, fake

> > seizures fake tunnel vision. On top of it she has imaginary back

> > neck and shoulder pain but she really thinks she has it so she

> > doctor hops and takes massive amounts of morphine and other

strong

> > drugs on a daily basis. The doctors were warning her years ago

> when

> > I was still there that this and other things could happen, like

> > addictions and rebound head aches. Well sorry about this being

so

> > long It really rocked my world I feel like a basket of nerves.

> Sorry

> > if I seem really on edge I am. You will have to pardon me.

Thanks

> > for reading this Love Lizzy Here is the letter.

> >

> > Dear Lizzy, I have a Graduation picture of your sister for you

and

> I

> > also have your life insurance policy to send to you.(If you want

> it)

> > Dad would like to have this stuff sent to you because the

divided

> > family has become too hard on him and he and I have lost hope

that

> > you and your husband will ever forgive and come back to be part

of

> > the family. It has been just too depressing for Daddy and me to

> have

> > to deal with any more. With both of his parents being sick and

> with

> > me almost dying this past summer daddy just can't handle any

more

> of

> > this. I asked him to not tell you about me being so sick because

I

> > knew that it would not matter to you because he tells me what

you

> > say about me and you probally would not have believed him any

way

> if

> > he would have told you. I am back on my way to getting better

each

> > day but once your kidneys shut down it is a long haul back. I

> would

> > like to ask you to find it in your heart to let everything go

and

> > remember you have a family that loves you very much and misses

you

> > very much. This will be the last time I ask you to come back to

> our

> > family because I just can't handle the hurt any more and It is

> > something that I must just put out of my mind if it is never

going

> > to happen. It is really sad that so many people have been hurt

> from

> > this and that so many years have gone by with out any healing. I

> > want you and your husband to know that there has not been a day

> that

> > has passed that I have not prayed for the two of you and your

> > children. Dad and I have prayed each day for the restoration of

> our

> > family and I have watched your sister as she has become an

> > independent young woman that believes she no longer has a

sister.

> I

> > guess this has gone on for so long there is not one of us that

> ever

> > believes that you will ever return. I just want you to know that

I

> > have never quit loving you and your family and I will love you

> until

> > the day that I die. I have left letters for all of you just in

> case

> > that we never talk again. The letters will let each one of you

> know

> > how much I love you, and how sad that I am that we wasted all of

> > those years not talking and not fixing the things that were

wrong.

> I

> > may not be perfect, but I do love you from the depth of my soul

> and

> > I would do just about anything to have you back into our family.

I

> > really miss my daughter. I try each day to hold on to the

memories

> > of how you were and I know that you are not the same girl that

> left

> > this home that terrible night. I realize that I don't even know

> you

> > any more and you don't know me either. You don't know your

sister

> or

> > your daddy any more either. Granny, who used to be one of your

> > favorite people on the earth was thrown away by you and she was

> > extreamly hurt and does not understand why you did it. She

> struggles

> > with forgiving what happened to her. The only thing that waiting

> > this long to fix things has done is mess them up worse. If you

> would

> > like to repair all of the relationships I would love to start

> right

> > away on ours. My cell number is ******* Please feel free to call

> and

> > I would love to see you again. If you can forgive I could start

> over

> > today. My love for you is unconditional. I will never stop

loving

> > you. We all love you very much! Love, Mom

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Lizzy,

Well, my nada has had so many medical issues over the years, when

medical professionals couldn't find anything wrong with her. I'm not

sure if any of them would count as exactly a conversion reaction, but

she always has mysterious and according to her, serious, ailments.

Her favorite one is her imaginary heart problems. She seems to

think she has " almost died " many times. But every test she's ever had,

her heart is fine. When my brother and I were young and ignorant, that

was a good way to manipulate us--if we don't do what she wants and

keep her happy, she'll DIE! It was so scary at the time, and it just

seems so horrible and contemptible now, to scare your kids like that.

So, your post on that really resonated! It's just so frustrating,

even as an adult. And for those outside the family, who don't know

what she's doing, they think how can you (the child) be so heartless

to your poor sick mother? Totally crazy-making!

Oh, and to reply to something in your other post, yes, I am

thinking of seeing my family doc in the meantime, but it's a long

boring story... my family doc on my health plan is no longer available

and I have not signed up for a new one. So, it would be dealing with

bureaucracy, and then seeing a total stranger. Not sure I'm up for

that, but I'm considering it.

The one thing I'm going to " accomplish " today is take the kids to

the pumpkin patch, they really want to do that. (Clean the house

....or... pumpkin patch? ohhh, tough choice haha) Then I will try your

coffee trick, what a great idea (and it sure beats spending $3.50).

Thanks for everything, Lizzy!

Love,

Janie

[Guest guest]

Janie, You know it is hard when you have a mom who is always sick

with something. I have the same thing like you, I can't even tell

you how many times my mom has " almost died " Like your mom last

summer it was my nada's heart. She has had every fruggen ailment out

there from cancer a few times, to kidney failure to heart infections

heart attacks seizures fainting permanent pain in the neck just like

she is ha-ha or 30 " surgeries " I get so fed up. If something were to

happen for real I am not sure anybody would believe her. My grandma

and I have a bet going her next problem will be " undiscovered " or

very rare maybe she will make the medical books lol. I think she has

used up every real problem out there so now she has to come up with

a new one. I have compassion on you for having to deal with this I

now it can be so hard.

Anyways, Have fun at the pumpkin patch! That sounds like a blast! I

love those kinds of things. Every year I take my kids to this small

town close by and they have the corn maze with a different theme

each year last year it was Alice in wonderland lol. But they have

hay rides pulled by these beautiful horses and apple orchards and

lots of flower gardens. You can buy dried flowers crafts like

pottery, pies, jewelry it is a whole farm of joy! I think they have

every fruit that can be grown and the most beautiful chickens are

running all over the place. It is just fun to let the kids pick

their own apples sit down enjoy some fresh caramel apples and look

at all the sights of nature. I look forward to it all year. Fall is

my favorite season. Coffee, baked goods, changing leaves, the

weather is perfect. Nothing about fall that I don't like except that

winter is next ha-ha. Well I am so glad that you will be having fun

today! Now I have to go do something fun outside to you inspired me!

Have a fun day Love Lizzy

>

> Hi, Lizzy,

> Well, my nada has had so many medical issues over the years,

when

> medical professionals couldn't find anything wrong with her. I'm

not

> sure if any of them would count as exactly a conversion reaction,

but

> she always has mysterious and according to her, serious, ailments.

> Her favorite one is her imaginary heart problems. She seems to

> think she has " almost died " many times. But every test she's ever

had,

> her heart is fine. When my brother and I were young and ignorant,

that

> was a good way to manipulate us--if we don't do what she wants and

> keep her happy, she'll DIE! It was so scary at the time, and it

just

> seems so horrible and contemptible now, to scare your kids like

that.

> So, your post on that really resonated! It's just so

frustrating,

> even as an adult. And for those outside the family, who don't know

> what she's doing, they think how can you (the child) be so

heartless

> to your poor sick mother? Totally crazy-making!

> Oh, and to reply to something in your other post, yes, I am

> thinking of seeing my family doc in the meantime, but it's a long

> boring story... my family doc on my health plan is no longer

available

> and I have not signed up for a new one. So, it would be dealing

with

> bureaucracy, and then seeing a total stranger. Not sure I'm up for

> that, but I'm considering it.

> The one thing I'm going to " accomplish " today is take the kids

to

> the pumpkin patch, they really want to do that. (Clean the house

> ...or... pumpkin patch? ohhh, tough choice haha) Then I will try

your

> coffee trick, what a great idea (and it sure beats spending $3.50).

> Thanks for everything, Lizzy!

> Love,

> Janie

>

[Guest guest]

The good thing is that you can now block nada's email. She will never know and

you do not have to read the hoover mail.

Blessings, mg

[Guest guest]

MG, Yes I can, I still have not decided if I should block or not.

Because of the fact I don't think my nada has a very high IQ she

often gives away her next step. She will flat out tell us if you

don't come back I will..... This information has been helpful to us

in the past. But I typically have not been the one reading the

emails, I leave it to dh I just can't take it. He skims them if

there is useful info like she is using my name or plans to take us

to court or slash a relatives brake lines or something it is a nice

warning. We then are able to have the email as proof for court which

seems to be a pattern with her. So I still am not sure what to do

about this yet. The fact that my BIL has had his life saved as a

result of her warning me what she would do to him and we had many

court warnings that took place, her stupidity is to my families

benefit. To block or not to block that is the question. Love Lizzy

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , C D wrote:

>

> The good thing is that you can now block nada's email. She will

never know and you do not have to read the hoover mail.

>

> Blessings, mg

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Janie and Lizzy,

This is sounding like a common issue with nada's. My nada is

precisely the same. She has at least one doctor's appoint every week.

She's been diagnosed borderline diabetic, fibromyalgic (sp?), has had

spastic colons, spurs, a knee replacement surgery, is sensitive to

smells and perfumes, etc. etc. etc. And she uses the ailments all the

time playing the poor me card. " How dare you cause me more problems

when I'm already feeling bad! How selfish can you be! "

I believe in a connection between mind, body, and spirit. Do you

think it's possible that by denying their feelings the pain has seeped

into a physical manifestation?

a

> >

> > Hi, Lizzy,

> > Well, my nada has had so many medical issues over the years,

> when

> > medical professionals couldn't find anything wrong with her. I'm

> not

> > sure if any of them would count as exactly a conversion reaction,

> but

> > she always has mysterious and according to her, serious, ailments.

> > Her favorite one is her imaginary heart problems. She seems to

> > think she has " almost died " many times. But every test she's ever

> had,

> > her heart is fine. When my brother and I were young and ignorant,

> that

> > was a good way to manipulate us--if we don't do what she wants and

> > keep her happy, she'll DIE! It was so scary at the time, and it

> just

> > seems so horrible and contemptible now, to scare your kids like

> that.

> > So, your post on that really resonated! It's just so

> frustrating,

> > even as an adult. And for those outside the family, who don't know

> > what she's doing, they think how can you (the child) be so

> heartless

> > to your poor sick mother? Totally crazy-making!

> > Oh, and to reply to something in your other post, yes, I am

> > thinking of seeing my family doc in the meantime, but it's a long

> > boring story... my family doc on my health plan is no longer

> available

> > and I have not signed up for a new one. So, it would be dealing

> with

> > bureaucracy, and then seeing a total stranger. Not sure I'm up for

> > that, but I'm considering it.

> > The one thing I'm going to " accomplish " today is take the kids

> to

> > the pumpkin patch, they really want to do that. (Clean the house

> > ...or... pumpkin patch? ohhh, tough choice haha) Then I will try

> your

> > coffee trick, what a great idea (and it sure beats spending $3.50).

> > Thanks for everything, Lizzy!

> > Love,

> > Janie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

a,

Hi! Yeah, I think a lot of nadas have this issue. Also, even when they

have a real problem, IMO they play it up a lot more than the average

person would. Everyone has aches and pains, and everyone has some kind

of health problem, but not everyone is milking it for every ounce of

sympathy and manipulation possible.

And yes, I think everyone has that mind-body connection--and maybe

people who have a hard time getting rid of their stress, tend to have

it crop up in physical problems more so...

Sorry to hear your nada does the " health thing " too!

Janie

[Guest guest]

Janie -- when you wrote " not everybody milks it for sympathy and

manipulation " you hit directly on something that I think is very true

with nadas, and not just with medical issues. My nada is milking

sympathy for the health problems of her mother (she's 90 and slowly

dying).

Medical stuff is a powerful tool of the BPD. All of humanity can list

losses of loved ones in their lives. The healthy ones deal with it

and move on, continuing to enrich their own lives and continuing to

build futures. But BPDs, on the other hand, hide behind the grief and

make it their identity.

My nada continually uses setbacks like these (illnesses and death of

family and friends -- normal life passages) to go nuts and mistreat

everybody. My fada defends her when she acts like this. It's

actually a pretty good setup: who dares to call her on it when, after

all, her mother is dying?! The rest of us look heartless when we've

grown immune to their histrionics. The temptation to roll my eyes is

almost irresistible!!

She acts as if she's the only human being who has to deal with

adversity, when it's part of the human condition. Self-centeredness

takes many forms.

I liked the way you put that, when you said " They play it up more

than the average person would. "

-Kyla

>

> a,

> Hi! Yeah, I think a lot of nadas have this issue. Also, even when

they

> have a real problem, IMO they play it up a lot more than the average

> person would. Everyone has aches and pains, and everyone has some

kind

> of health problem, but not everyone is milking it for every ounce of

> sympathy and manipulation possible.

> And yes, I think everyone has that mind-body connection--and maybe

> people who have a hard time getting rid of their stress, tend to have

> it crop up in physical problems more so...

> Sorry to hear your nada does the " health thing " too!

> Janie

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

When I read your reply, it reminded me of the Buddhist story of the

mustard seed. Have you heard that one? I am bad at retelling stories

so I copied this version from a website. It's like a Buddhist parable:

" A woman's only child died, and she was beside herself with grief. She

wandered from house to house in her village, begging for medicine that

would bring her dead son back to life. Of course, the householders

told her that there was no medicine in the world that could bring a

child back to life.

" In total desperation, she went to the Buddha to see what medicine he

could provide. The Buddha told her to go to the city and to bring back

a mustard seed from any household that had not experienced death. She

thought that there was something in the mustard seed she collected

that would be able to bring her son back to life. But as she

progressed first to one household and then to another she met with the

same response. None of the households she visited were free from

someone who had died. By the time she returned to the Buddha she had

come to realize that death was ubiquitous and that what had happened

to her had also happened to everyone else. There was, in fact, no cure

for death but she herself had been cured of her grief. "

This woman learned the Buddha's lesson, but our nadas never do. They

need to be exceptional, unique, special, even in such universal

experiences as sickness and death. They put themselves at center stage

in the middle of life's troubles, doing--quite noisily, and for their

own benefit--what countless others do quietly and for the benefit of

others.

Janie

[Guest guest]

No, I had not ever heard that parable before -- what a perfect

analogy!

Thinking about it further, even though my nada complains

about " having to go attend to grandma's needs " (she chooses to go,

but has herself and fada convinced she has no choice), the truth is,

it's become her hiding place. After all, how could she make plans

and do things to fulfill her own hopes and dreams -- what if

grandnada needs her? Her life has nothing in it but waiting for a

phone call about her 90 year old mother. (who has no problem using

her daughter like a slave to save some money on nursing care. Money

she definitely has.) No aspirations, no reservations to go

anywhere, no brochures from local continuing education or travel

agencies. She just sits there and alternately treats everybody like

dirt, or makes her bottom lip quiver when you look at her.

Blecchhh.....

Her mother's declining health (not uncommon in 90 year olds, for

pete's sake!) is the PERFECT hiding place from the world, with the

added fringe benefit of milking sympathy from it.

Thanks for the Mustard Seed story -- I'm saving that one...

-Kyla

>

> Kyla,

> When I read your reply, it reminded me of the Buddhist story of the

> mustard seed. Have you heard that one? I am bad at retelling

stories

> so I copied this version from a website. It's like a Buddhist

parable:

>

> " A woman's only child died, and she was beside herself with grief.

She

> wandered from house to house in her village, begging for medicine

that

> would bring her dead son back to life. Of course, the householders

> told her that there was no medicine in the world that could bring a

> child back to life.

>

> " In total desperation, she went to the Buddha to see what medicine

he

> could provide. The Buddha told her to go to the city and to bring

back

> a mustard seed from any household that had not experienced death.

She

> thought that there was something in the mustard seed she collected

> that would be able to bring her son back to life. But as she

> progressed first to one household and then to another she met with

the

> same response. None of the households she visited were free from

> someone who had died. By the time she returned to the Buddha she

had

> come to realize that death was ubiquitous and that what had

happened

> to her had also happened to everyone else. There was, in fact, no

cure

> for death but she herself had been cured of her grief. "

>

> This woman learned the Buddha's lesson, but our nadas never do.

They

> need to be exceptional, unique, special, even in such universal

> experiences as sickness and death. They put themselves at center

stage

> in the middle of life's troubles, doing--quite noisily, and for

their

> own benefit--what countless others do quietly and for the benefit

of

> others.

>

> Janie

>

[Guest guest]

a,

I read this and it sounded almost like it came out of my own mouth!

My grannada is borderline diabetic, fibromyalgic, has had both knees

replaced and is working on her hips, she's asthmatic and " prone to

heart failure. " A lot of the problems she has I think can be

controlled with minor lifestyle changes, like not eating both a bowl

of cereal and a bowl of ice cream for both breakfast and dinner. But

she always claims she's just too old to change or that her problems

run deeper than her diet (I agree whole heartedly with that one!),

so she's not gonna change.

I think to an extent it can be a physical manifestation, but I also

think that BPDs know how to exaggerate situations to get the maximum

amount of sympathy, attention, or whatever it is they're actually

after. I know I've gone to the doctor with my grannada a few times

where her doctor just looked at her and said " There's nothing I can

do for you because you're not actually sick. " Course, the rest of

the family only got to hear about the first part of that one.

Neko Jaimie

>

> Janie and Lizzy,

>

> This is sounding like a common issue with nada's. My nada is

> precisely the same. She has at least one doctor's appoint every

week.

> She's been diagnosed borderline diabetic, fibromyalgic (sp?), has

had

> spastic colons, spurs, a knee replacement surgery, is sensitive to

> smells and perfumes, etc. etc. etc. And she uses the ailments all

the

> time playing the poor me card. " How dare you cause me more

problems

> when I'm already feeling bad! How selfish can you be! "

>

> I believe in a connection between mind, body, and spirit. Do you

> think it's possible that by denying their feelings the pain has

seeped

> into a physical manifestation?

>

> a

>

>

[Guest guest]

My dishrag fada has been around my nada so long, he actually tried

to sell me on the idea that the reason that they always turn down

our invitations to come by, eat dinner or watch the kids' sports

events is that they're just too old -- too much trouble to get

ready, get out, manage the dog (huh? he has a pet door and the

neighbor looks after him when they're gone), etc....

They're only 64 and 66! Puhleeze. My 75 year old in-laws just got

back from Thailand! Reaching your 60's doesn't mean you're

decrepit. But fada tried to sell me on that, so he could convince

me to come " comfort " my suffering nada.

But, see, that enables my fada and nada to claim poor old victim

status and shake their finger at me for not coming to their house.

Oh, and my fada manages to drive out of state (2 days' drive) to go

to car shows all the time. I live 20 minutes away. My nada walks 3

miles a day with her neighbors. Neither one has health problems

that diet and exercise couldn't cure. They're healthy and their

genetic history suggests living into ripe old age.

Yep, they're old and sick when they want to be. Judging from the

posts on this thread, I think I can expect some medical ailments to

be marched out soon?

-Kyla

> >

> > Janie and Lizzy,

> >

> > This is sounding like a common issue with nada's. My nada is

> > precisely the same. She has at least one doctor's appoint every

> week.

> > She's been diagnosed borderline diabetic, fibromyalgic (sp?),

has

> had

> > spastic colons, spurs, a knee replacement surgery, is sensitive

to

> > smells and perfumes, etc. etc. etc. And she uses the ailments

all

> the

> > time playing the poor me card. " How dare you cause me more

> problems

> > when I'm already feeling bad! How selfish can you be! "

> >

> > I believe in a connection between mind, body, and spirit. Do you

> > think it's possible that by denying their feelings the pain has

> seeped

> > into a physical manifestation?

> >

> > a

> >

> >

>