as a caregiver

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pt. or caregiver this disease ,as any, takes a terrable tole on both parties as

far as i can see. when bobby glenn started his treatments, he did it for me,

thus started my quilt, he only did it for me.he wanted to do nothing, but he

knew i couldnt nor can i bear to loose him so he did it. each week as i stuck

that poison shot into his belly i felt like i was hurting him further, i knew

what was coming in a few hours, with each twice a day dose of 3 riba. pills i

knew what would follow. i watched him go from functioning to not being able to

make it to the bathroom without my help. i watched him suffer so terrably ,i

begged him to forgive me for being so selfish,and would tell him he didnt have

to do it anymore, but he cont. for me for us.until the dr. said we had to

abandon treatment cause it was doing what i already knew it was..killing him

faster. now in those short but very long 6 weeks of treatment. i went from 154

lbs. to 127 lbs. my nerves were shot, i realized i had no right to subject

another human being to my wants and desires.i had no right to subject my wishes

on him, i really dont know what i am trying to say here guys. outside of

sometimes its just as hard on a caregiver as a pt. just in a different way. i

was tortured watching him be tortured, we both suffered ,i got angry some days i

wanted to scream at him get the hell up, stop dieing in front of me...how

selfish is that??!! at this time (which is subject to change lol)i choose to

accept where we are. i have gained 3 lbs. back ,my hair has stopped falling out

and we laugh at what we just went through together instead of crying or butting

heads over it. we are where we are TOGETHER. i choose to let him decide his

fate, do i like it no, but a good friend of mine has taught me alot about this

journey,thank you diane, and bobby, who choose to do what their loved one wanted

,setting aside their own agendas. will i like this journey..probably not, do i

love this man beside me, absolutely.so he gets to deal the deck. we always dont

like the hand dealt to us, but we must play it the best way we know how. talk to

your loved ones, try to understand their point of view,try to love

unconditionally without the what about me's. like i said earlier i dont really

know what made me start writing this post or what i am trying to say, except

love each other, respect each other,trust each other ,gods got this one. much

love barby