Re: Has anyone lost family by cutting off contact with a BPD Parent?

[Guest guest]

Be careful -- confrontations with BPDs merely make them defensive and

mean. They never see their faults. And those who choose sides, will

choose sides on their own. It might be tough to " lose " your dad, but

the truth is the truth. You might as well find out now.

If he sees you in " secret " , he's chosen her -- there's really no

difference. I wouldn' t agree to that -- it merely dances around her

madness, it seems cowardly and fearful.

If your dad wants a relationship with you, then he'll make it happen.

Confronting your mom won't change her and will frustrate you, but

lessening contact will allow you to continue your life in a positive

way.

I vote for just lessening or stopping contact. It still sends the

same message without a confrontation. If your dad's a casualty, you

might as well find out now.

Good luck -- take your time weighing your options. " Stop Walking on

Eggshells " is an excellent book for what you're contemplating. You

might want to do some more reading before taking a course of action.

-Kyla

>

> I'm getting ready to confront my BPD mom and lessen contact with her

> if not completely leave the relationship. I have a strong suspicion

> that she will make my dad choose between her and I and that I'll

> lose. (I'm use to her taking my dad away - but in the past it was

by

> making him the bad guy.) The other possibility is that he keeps

> seeing me as a secret, which I'm not all to keen over either.

>

> Has any of you out there lost family over taking a stand for your

> personal health?

>

> Thanks,

> a

>

[Guest guest]

I forgot to answer your initial question: Yes, I've lost my father

because he chose my nada. Confronted with that reality -- upon

further reflection of my past with FOO, I realized he ALWAYS chose

her. Might as well see the stark truth and get on with my life.

I think you'll find many of the members here have " lost " family when

they opted to go NC and leave the destructive BPDs behind.

-Kyla

>

> I'm getting ready to confront my BPD mom and lessen contact with her

> if not completely leave the relationship. I have a strong suspicion

> that she will make my dad choose between her and I and that I'll

> lose. (I'm use to her taking my dad away - but in the past it was

by

> making him the bad guy.) The other possibility is that he keeps

> seeing me as a secret, which I'm not all to keen over either.

>

> Has any of you out there lost family over taking a stand for your

> personal health?

>

> Thanks,

> a

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I lost family. But I realized that nada had been slowly 'deleting'

people from my life without me being aware of it all along. She made

sure my relationship with my dad was forever damaged, and even though

they have been divorced for over 25 years, he rarely talks to me. She

tried to delete my step-father, after their divorce 2 years ago, and it

almost worked, except I sent a one line email to him after she had

kicked him out, called the cops, and told everyone in the family he was

a psychopathic killer: " Read 'Stop Walking on Egshells' and call me if

you want to talk. " Only 2 days later, he called and said " Oh my god,

this has been my life, I had no idea she was doing this to me, and to

you, you poor child. " He and I are tighter than anyone in my FOO.

I lost my brother, nada fed him crap- and I realize she had been doing

this our entire lives- setting us up against one another. I look back

and see that she only talked to us separately, and we never talked to

each other. So what she said, we believed. He and I never really got

along, and I did not understand why, but I sure do now.

My aunt (nada's sister) is on her 'side'. I have said nothing to anyone

about my nada. If they choose her, then they are unhealthy people that

I don't need to have around me.

And really, confronting will do nothing but cause YOU more pain. They

won't listen, and you will walk away feeling worse. Establish your new

boundaries, put them in writing, and make sure your dh/so is on board.

My list was something like:

1. If nada calls- I do not have to answer the phone

2. If nada writes, I do not have to read the letter- I can either give

it to somone I trust to read, or throw it away.

THis helped me A LOT to see my 'boundaries' in writing.

I wish you the best my friend, I have been there.

[Guest guest]

I've just gone through - am going through - that loss, written in

earlier posts. As my aunt said today of the total loss of my nada,

fada, and bruda (what do we call a brother in aggressive denial who

takes on BPD characteristics of rages and black-and-white thinking

and smear campaigns??) - it's been a holocaust, emotionally. Not of

family, but of the small hope that someone people could come around

and be reasonable. That's been the greatest loss - of that hope.

but also a necdssary loss.

I also would caution about confrontation. If you feel it's the

thing - go for it! But with my own nada, who's a 'witch/waif' type,

confrontation only makes me more vulnerable. It gives her

more 'fuel.' Distance is the only thing that works for me. But

again, I certainly trust that you can evaluate your own situation.

> >

> > I'm getting ready to confront my BPD mom and lessen contact with

her

> > if not completely leave the relationship. I have a strong

suspicion

> > that she will make my dad choose between her and I and that I'll

> > lose. (I'm use to her taking my dad away - but in the past it

was

> by

> > making him the bad guy.) The other possibility is that he keeps

> > seeing me as a secret, which I'm not all to keen over either.

> >

> > Has any of you out there lost family over taking a stand for

your

> > personal health?

> >

> > Thanks,

> > a

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I went NC 13 years ago. My father to this day refuses to acknowledge

any of the abuse or craziness and I am NC with him also. I have LC

with my sister and see my brother once a year. I also basically lost

my father's entire extended family who I had seen at least twice a

year my whole life. One of my father's brothers and his family were

supportive and one cousin on my mother's side. That's it. It was hard

to accept at first. The lowest was when I was told by several family

members to sign up for the family email list, but was denied by the

moderator because I " make people uncomfortable " . This was on my fada's

side, so basically they chose my nada who hates them all over me, their

blood relative. I hurt, but I got over it and I don't regret my

decision. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. My children will

never experience the crazymaking, abusive behavior of my FOO. And I

have gone on to build a life that I am proud of. I still get tinges of

sadness when I hear about things in the extended family, but not too

often and not for too long.

I know it isn't easy. But it is good that you are considering all the

ramifications of your decision so you won't be blindsided. I think the

more you plan ahead, the less likely you are to get sucked into the

FOG. Keep focusing on what is best for you and for your future - make

your decisions based on that. You can't control how your FOO and your

fada choose to react. So control what you can control - how you react

to them, and how much you allow them into your life. I wish it were

different for all of us, and it is hard to let go of that fantasy

family we always wanted, but when you let them go and deal with reality

and what you can control, you can gain so much more peace in your

life. And isn't that what we all deserve?

Fresabird

> I'm getting ready to confront my BPD mom and lessen contact with her

> if not completely leave the relationship. I have a strong suspicion

> that she will make my dad choose between her and I and that I'll

> lose. (I'm use to her taking my dad away - but in the past it was by

> making him the bad guy.) The other possibility is that he keeps

> seeing me as a secret, which I'm not all to keen over either.

>

> Has any of you out there lost family over taking a stand for your

> personal health?

>

> Thanks,

> a

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I have lost my whole immediate family (Dad and sister). My

dishrag dad avoids confrontation at any cost, in this case, he was

willing to give up his relationship with me. I don't know what the

deal is with my sister. But I think it has to do with my going NC

causing her to doubt herself. She is almost as non-confrontational as

my father. Over the last few months, I have been trying to re-

establish our relationship. I haven't seen her since last November.

She has not come to visit me in my new home (purchasing my own home

was a significant accomplishment for me), there have been a few other

times over the last year where she knew I could have used her support,

but she chose not to be there for me. Over the last month, she has

not responded to my email or voice mail. I am not going to pursue

this relationship any further.

I am the 'black sheep' of the family, and I think my sister, and

possibly my father, set their own self-esteem by feeling that they are

better than I am because they can 'accept' nada, and I can't. Of

course, we know the price they are paying, and I am no longer

interested in this brand of sainthood.

If I knew I would lose these people, would I have still gone no

contact? YES!!! I really didn't lose anything....if there had been

good relationships in place, they would have continued. It is obvious

to me that the relationships were not solid. What hurts is knowing

that fact. But at the same time, with that knowledge I can build a

life that I would not have had if I continued living in a fantasy

world.

No contact is difficult, sometimes very difficult. But for many of

us, it is the only way to break free from the BPD craziness.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> I'm getting ready to confront my BPD mom and lessen contact with her

> if not completely leave the relationship. I have a strong suspicion

> that she will make my dad choose between her and I and that I'll

> lose. (I'm use to her taking my dad away - but in the past it was

by

> making him the bad guy.) The other possibility is that he keeps

> seeing me as a secret, which I'm not all to keen over either.

>

> Has any of you out there lost family over taking a stand for your

> personal health?

>

> Thanks,

> a

>

[Guest guest]

Wow! I'm sorry to hear that so many of you last family over it. One

thing that makes me angry about BPD is that it's so insidious and hard

to see. I guess I'm going to have to add validation to my grieving

list.

Thanks also for the warning on the confrontation. I'll nix that one

in the bud. I thought I had a chance in hell! I think I still have

to work on the FOG issues, know my truth and get comfortable. I

thought about confronting my dad around this, but I realize he knows

my mom is mentally ill (she even admits to the agoraphobia) and my

sharing this new information won't help him at all.

I had a AhHa moment today. I started to think about my character and

all my qualities and then I realized that I was nutured by my NADA to

be this way. God, this disease hits us children of BPD's to the very

core!

a

[Guest guest]

When I went NC, i decided I didn't really loose any family, becasue

the people who left weren't really family at all. But in the next

few months, when I go RC with my grannada, I run the risk of losing

contact with my grandfather, my aunts, and their children. I've

decided the only ones I can really claim to " loose " are my cousins,

because they won't be able to make the decision for themselves.

The truth is, your father will most likely choose your nada. I know

my grandfather will choose my grandmother, if it comes down to it,

because that's just how it is. He knows he married a " difficult "

woman (i.e. manipulative, lying, emotionally abusive, emotionally

needy, etc.), but he doesn't believe in divorce. So, to make his

life easier and still match up with his morals, I have to loose.

As far as the confrontation thing goes, in my experience, it doesn't

work. Arguing with my nada and grannada about ANYTHING leaves me

feeling frustrated and confused. It's kind of like arguing with a

parrot: there are a limited number of things they say, and they

don't actually understand what you're saying.

But, if you do decide to confront her, I would suggest trying to get

other family members in on it first. Do you have siblings? Enlighten

them. Aunts, uncles? ANybody can help. And if you think you're dad

might be willing to listen, try him.

Another thing: Maybe you should try to make it seem more like an

intervention than a confrontation. With my grannada, I've noticed

saying things like " I've noticed that you are upset pretty easily,

and I'm sure you don't like it. Have you thought about talking to

someone who doesn't upset you about it? Like maybe a therapist? "

gets me alot farther than " You've hurt and abused me for the better

part of my life and I think you've got a personality disorder! " . For

me, the most effective way to communicate has been to pretend the

BPD is a three year old, and treat them as such.

Good luck! Let us know what you decide.

Neko Jaimie

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Neko Jaimie. Good point about talking to a three year-old.

I've always felt that my nada was about five years-old.

I think I'm alone on this one. My only sibiling is looking like a

BP as well and she has already cut me out of her life. My nada

thinks I deserve that because I don't treat her like family! FOG

trick

I'm not quiet sure what my father will do. He knows something is

off, but is hesitant to really talk about it. When my nada stopped

talking to me for 2 years, he kept in contact with me and came to my

wedding. I'm not sure it would be the same if I cut off contact

100% with my mom, especially now that I have a son. My nada told me

the other night that her greatest fear is that I " take Cirdan away

from her. " She's brewing.

Thanks for your insight.

a

>

> When I went NC, i decided I didn't really loose any family,

becasue

> the people who left weren't really family at all. But in the next

> few months, when I go RC with my grannada, I run the risk of

losing

> contact with my grandfather, my aunts, and their children. I've

> decided the only ones I can really claim to " loose " are my

cousins,

> because they won't be able to make the decision for themselves.

>

> The truth is, your father will most likely choose your nada. I

know

> my grandfather will choose my grandmother, if it comes down to it,

> because that's just how it is. He knows he married a " difficult "

> woman (i.e. manipulative, lying, emotionally abusive, emotionally

> needy, etc.), but he doesn't believe in divorce. So, to make his

> life easier and still match up with his morals, I have to loose.

>

> As far as the confrontation thing goes, in my experience, it

doesn't

> work. Arguing with my nada and grannada about ANYTHING leaves me

> feeling frustrated and confused. It's kind of like arguing with a

> parrot: there are a limited number of things they say, and they

> don't actually understand what you're saying.

>

> But, if you do decide to confront her, I would suggest trying to

get

> other family members in on it first. Do you have siblings?

Enlighten

> them. Aunts, uncles? ANybody can help. And if you think you're dad

> might be willing to listen, try him.

>

> Another thing: Maybe you should try to make it seem more like an

> intervention than a confrontation. With my grannada, I've noticed

> saying things like " I've noticed that you are upset pretty easily,

> and I'm sure you don't like it. Have you thought about talking to

> someone who doesn't upset you about it? Like maybe a therapist? "

> gets me alot farther than " You've hurt and abused me for the

better

> part of my life and I think you've got a personality disorder! " .

For

> me, the most effective way to communicate has been to pretend the

> BPD is a three year old, and treat them as such.

>

> Good luck! Let us know what you decide.

>

> Neko Jaimie

>

[Guest guest]

I second what Leik says. My nada has cutt off so much of my extended

FOO that going NC with her wouldn't have any effect anymore. My

brothers don't speak to me anymore except to rope me into foo drama

and my dadn talks to me when nada is present only. I guess she could

cut me off from my dad slightly more than now. . .but I don't feel

like there's that much to loose (although I'm not NC).

I have, however, begun to forge a few relationships with aunts and

uncles that are my own and don't include nada at all. I think if/when

things ever hit the fan, maybe they'll have second thoughts about

whose fault it is.

Trish

>

> Yes, I lost family. But I realized that nada had been slowly 'deleting'

> people from my life without me being aware of it all along. She made

> sure my relationship with my dad was forever damaged, and even though

> they have been divorced for over 25 years, he rarely talks to me. She

> tried to delete my step-father, after their divorce 2 years ago, and it

> almost worked, except I sent a one line email to him after she had

> kicked him out, called the cops, and told everyone in the family he was

> a psychopathic killer: " Read 'Stop Walking on Egshells' and call me if

> you want to talk. " Only 2 days later, he called and said " Oh my god,

> this has been my life, I had no idea she was doing this to me, and to

> you, you poor child. " He and I are tighter than anyone in my FOO.

>

> I lost my brother, nada fed him crap- and I realize she had been doing

> this our entire lives- setting us up against one another. I look back

> and see that she only talked to us separately, and we never talked to

> each other. So what she said, we believed. He and I never really got

> along, and I did not understand why, but I sure do now.

>

> My aunt (nada's sister) is on her 'side'. I have said nothing to anyone

> about my nada. If they choose her, then they are unhealthy people that

> I don't need to have around me.

>

> And really, confronting will do nothing but cause YOU more pain. They

> won't listen, and you will walk away feeling worse. Establish your new

> boundaries, put them in writing, and make sure your dh/so is on board.

> My list was something like:

> 1. If nada calls- I do not have to answer the phone

> 2. If nada writes, I do not have to read the letter- I can either give

> it to somone I trust to read, or throw it away.

>

> THis helped me A LOT to see my 'boundaries' in writing.

>

> I wish you the best my friend, I have been there.

>