Re: Ilness and funeral- should I stay or should I go?

[Guest guest]

This might sound severe to some, but you can honor your

grandfather's memory wherever you are. You are right to weigh the

consequences of an appearance at a funeral, when your grandfather is

already gone, and the living are the ones that would surround you

with the unpleasantness of your situation with nada.

If you go to his side, will he know you? It might cause more pain

for you.

You have every right to treasure your memories of you and your

grandfather -- and a funeral has nothing to do with it.

I wouldn't go. Go light a candle at a nearby church and thank God

for the gift of his life and the warm memories you have of your

relationship. Make a collage and hang it somewhere you can look at -

- donate time or money to a senior center that serves alzheimer's

(or ordinary) patients.

Funerals are an industry, don't forget. There's more than one way

to honor the dead. And you don't have to let your nada trample all

over your memories, including the last ones.

Good luck --

-Kyla

>

> Hi all, Its been a while for me, sorry, But I went no contact in

> December 04 from my nada, and it has been the best two years of my

> life in the area of personal growth and healing. That being said,

I

> knew there would come a time when I would have to face her. And

its

> here.

>

> My grandfather- nada's dad- is 92, very ill and will pass soon. I

> live on the other side of the country from all of my family. But

its

> mostly 'her' family now, because over the past 2 years, we have

all

> had minimal contact and nada has been busy as a bee setting me up

as

> the all bad devil child. (I'm 40 btw).

>

> If I go to be by my grandfather's side- he has severe alzheimers,

> nada will be there also. If I go to the funeral, nada will be

there.

> I will be a complete outsider to the entire family. Aren't

funerals

> for the living? Don't you go to support your family?

>

> Has anyone been here before? What was said? How did you handle

seeing

> nada? How did you handle being the bad child?

>

> I know my grandfather knows I love him. And he was always

sensitive

> to the fact that I have 4 kids and flying cross country ain't

cheap

> or easy, and was very forgiving if I could not get out to see him.

Am

> I wanting to go to 'save face " ? Prove nada wrong? Am I strong

enough

> to handle walking into a den of lions?

>

> Just need your thoughts. Thanks all in advance.

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

Of course only you can decide if you want to stay or go. But I'll

share a similar situation with my grand-nada's funeral almost 3 yrs

ago (I've been NC for 3 years.)

My opinion: funerals _are_ for the living. (You also mentioned your

grandfather has severe Alzheimers so...would he still know you, or

realize you came to see him, if you go before he passes?)

Anyway, I decided to miss grandnada's funeral, for several reasons. I

did not think my presence would be a true source of comfort to those

there. (Basically my nada's family.)

Like you, I had been demonized as the " devil child " after NC. I knew

my failure to show would just be another weapon in the arsenal,

too--how awful not to show for your grandmother's funeral! But on the

other hand, if I were to go, that would give them sadistic fun, too.

Oh the drama! Oh the gossip and backstabbing and snarky remarks and

the whispers. Oh the attempts to provoke a fight! Oh the tears!

Basically it was a lose-lose situation. So the question for me became,

if it's lose-lose, would I rather be there to " lose " in person, as a

target of their nastiness, or would I rather " lose " in absentia,

blissfully unaware of the unpleasant details?

My choice was, I just didn't want to deal with it. Nada would have

used me as a tool to create more attention for herself, the poor

long-suffering thing. No thanks. Nada's need for attention was not a

good reason for me to attend a funeral. And in terms of not going

because of what " they " thought, I decided I didn't care what " they "

thought because " they " didn't fully know the situation.

Good luck with your decision. It's a toughie!

Janie

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I think weddings and funerals are particularly difficult for KOs

because of the built-in obligation to attend, and the resulting

guilt for even considering not going. That's a nada's most ideal

situation, when she doesn't have to create the FOG herself - you're

doing the work for her!

I went to my grandfather's funeral. This was about ten years ago,

before I knew anything about BPD and before I went NC, but I had

limited contact with nada. She made it miserable for me. She went

out of her way to alienate me from other family members, to treat me

like a stranger in front of everyone. She raged at me for

not " grieving properly " (I actually felt a lot of shame about this,

until I realized how ridiculous it was). Then when it was over, she

wouldn't let me see my dad to say goodbye (it was his father that

had passed) and she kicked me out of the house.

My nada took full advantage of the situation - in her " grieving "

state, she felt free to behave however she pleased. When I think

about the event I think about all the junk nada pulled that

weekend... in my mind it's not stored under " saying goodbye to

grandfather " , it's stored under " nasty things nada has done " (this

is a pretty big folder, by the way). It just wasn't worth it.

Funerals are a family thing. But I don't have a family; I have a

FOO. I firmly believe everyone has a right to grieve in their own

way, and that there are better ways to grieve than to subject

oneself to abusive, toxic people. I'm also guessing that your

grandfather would never want you to subject yourself to nada's abuse

on his behalf.

If you take away the FOG, if you stop worrying about what other

people might think about what you do or what the fallout will be

because of your decisions... what do YOU want to do? If you go, will

you be doing it not out of obligation, but because you want to be

there for your grandfather? And is that worth facing nada?

Conversely, if you don't go, will you look back and feel sorry that

you didn't go for his sake? I think it's a very personal decision,

but you can only make it when you shut out all those other voices in

your head.

Since that funeral, I haven't attended the funerals of my other

grandparents. I grieved them in my own way, far away from nada's

abuse, and I believe that was the right decision for me.

I hope you can find some peace about this; it's not an easy decision.

>

> Hi all, Its been a while for me, sorry, But I went no contact in

> December 04 from my nada, and it has been the best two years of my

> life in the area of personal growth and healing. That being said,

I

> knew there would come a time when I would have to face her. And

its

> here.

>

> My grandfather- nada's dad- is 92, very ill and will pass soon. I

> live on the other side of the country from all of my family. But

its

> mostly 'her' family now, because over the past 2 years, we have

all

> had minimal contact and nada has been busy as a bee setting me up

as

> the all bad devil child. (I'm 40 btw).

>

> If I go to be by my grandfather's side- he has severe alzheimers,

> nada will be there also. If I go to the funeral, nada will be

there.

> I will be a complete outsider to the entire family. Aren't

funerals

> for the living? Don't you go to support your family?

>

> Has anyone been here before? What was said? How did you handle

seeing

> nada? How did you handle being the bad child?

>

> I know my grandfather knows I love him. And he was always

sensitive

> to the fact that I have 4 kids and flying cross country ain't

cheap

> or easy, and was very forgiving if I could not get out to see him.

Am

> I wanting to go to 'save face " ? Prove nada wrong? Am I strong

enough

> to handle walking into a den of lions?

>

> Just need your thoughts. Thanks all in advance.

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I have had to handle this a few times over the last 13 years, and I did

it differently each time. My Great Aunt, who was like a Grandmother to

me became ill when I had been NC only a year or so. I had not been

able to talk to her, though I had written a letter. She was going

deaf, and also losing her eyesight. She died the night before she was

to move in with my Uncle (fada's brother). He and his wife were very

supportive of me, and I was going to see her there. I didn't get to

say goodbye, but I know she knew I loved her. I really wanted to go to

the funeral. I was able to stay with my Aunt and Uncle. My cousins,

their spouses and my Aunt and Uncle really looked out for me. They

made sure I was never alone. My Aunt knew the whole story (abuse

details and all), as did my cousins. We hadn't told my Uncle the whole

thing since he had heart problems, and he didn't ask - just loved me

and supported me. My Great Aunt was on my fada's side, so that made it

easier. I sat up front with my Uncle's family, went to the luncheon

afterwards, and it was really good for me. My nada attempted to

approach once but realized quickly that it would not be possible to get

me alone. My fada came and said " Hello " and that he was glad I came.

And that was it.

A few years later my Uncle died. His daughters are my age, and we have

always been close. I called my cousins and asked if they wanted me

there, or if they would prefer I stay away in case nada caused a scene.

They all said - " Please come! " I had to fly in, so I went to the city

where my brother lived and road to the funeral with him. As soon as I

arrived at my Uncle's, I was once again surrounded by his family. I

sat in the front row with his daughters and we all said a tearful

goodbye. And once again my nada was thwarted because while she hates

my fada's family, she is also scared of them I think.

My maternal Grandmother was a different story. I had suspected she

might have really early Alzheimer's when I went NC. I kept trying to

visit her, even was in the area twice, but every letter was intercepted

by nada and every time I was going to go - even if it was a surprise

visit - I would find out that nada was there. I think it was partly to

care for her, but I honestly think my nada was visiting her (a 5 hour

drive for nada) most weekends trying to catch me there. We eventually

moved away and I could no longer drive there. Grandmother was

declining and was moved to a care facility in a big city. I got in

touch with a cousin on that side through Christmas cards. He was kind

of the " black sheep " of the family, but very close to my Grandmother.

She had raised him the first year or two of his life and was like a

mother to him. He suggested that I come visit because she was really

mentally going downhill. He told no one I was coming, not even his own

mother. He had been visiting regularly so the nursing staff knew him,

and I think my nada and her sisters weren't visiting as regularly at

that point. We were able to take Grandmother out to eat. She knew me

- calling me " the middle one " - but she was definitely not herself. I

kind of got to see the spunky little girl she must have been. Two

weeks after my visit she died unexpectedly. I decided not to go to the

funeral. I had said my goodbyes, and knew if I showed up it would be a

huge scene. I had visited with my cousin's mother (nada's sister)

after visiting my Grandmother and she was polite, but I was never

particularly close to her. I was close to my nada's other sister

growing up, but she and her husband had been obviously very angry with

me at my brother's wedding a year or two before, so I knew I would get

no support there. And I felt like there was just no point in going. I

also thought that I should let me Aunts grieve in peace without my

nada's added antics. I felt guilty to some extent, but got over it

pretty quickly and don't regret my decision.

I also missed a dear high school friend's funeral a few months after

going NC. In that case I was afraid my mother would disrupt the

funeral, and my friend's family had already gone through enough. I

went to a beautiful lake at the time the funeral was scheduled and said

goodbye there. It was a good decision, as my nada showed up at my

friend's parents' house the night before the funeral and caused a huge

scene, crying hysterically and telling my friend's Dad that " she knew

how he felt because she had lost a child too " . He had to escort her to

her car. It was obvious she was looking for me, and all of my crowd

from high school were there except me. They called as soon as she

left, and that is when I told them all about NC and everything else. I

resented the fact that I had to miss the funeral, but know I made the

right decision. I just couldn't impose my own FOO problems on my

friends grieving family. Unfortunately nada went over there anyway,

but at least she didn't cause a scene at the funeral.

For me, the most important thing has been deciding what I need. If

someone is in ill health and I really want to see them, I try to figure

out a way. Find someone who can help me see them without the FOO

finding out. If someone dies, I consider whether the funeral would

help me grieve and if I need to be there to support the immediate

family. If I don't need to be there for my own grief, and there is no

one I need to support, then I don't go.

Is there anyone in your family who supports you? Is there anyone who

could help you see your Grandfather? Maybe arrange a visit during

non-visiting hours? or during a time they know your nada has other

obligations like church, or a club, or some other obligation? Will you

be at peace with everything if you are not able to see him? And the

same with the funeral - is there someone who can support you if you go?

Is it important for your grieving to go or is there some other way you

can honor your Grandfather? Is there anyone else that will be there

that needs your support?

Only you can make these decisions. The best piece of advice I can give

you is to make them based on what is best for you. Do what you need to

do to say goodbye, and don't base your decisions on that script running

through your head about " duty " and " family obligations " . In the end,

your Grandfather knows that you love him and you know that he loves

you. Nothing your FOO does can change that. I'm so sorry your

Grandfather is ill, and that your nada is causing so many problems. I

know from experience how hard that can be. I hope you are able to

figure something out that will help you have peace. It seems that all

those milestones in life bring out the worst in a FOO. When it is all

said and done, don't forget how far you have come and that you have

broken the cycle for your children. They will never have to experience

anything like this. You have given them a wonderful gift.

Fresabird

> Hi all, Its been a while for me, sorry, But I went no contact in

> December 04 from my nada, and it has been the best two years of my

> life in the area of personal growth and healing. That being said, I

> knew there would come a time when I would have to face her. And its

> here.

>

> My grandfather- nada's dad- is 92, very ill and will pass soon. I

> live on the other side of the country from all of my family. But its

> mostly 'her' family now, because over the past 2 years, we have all

> had minimal contact and nada has been busy as a bee setting me up as

> the all bad devil child. (I'm 40 btw).

>

> If I go to be by my grandfather's side- he has severe alzheimers,

> nada will be there also. If I go to the funeral, nada will be there.

> I will be a complete outsider to the entire family. Aren't funerals

> for the living? Don't you go to support your family?

>

> Has anyone been here before? What was said? How did you handle seeing

> nada? How did you handle being the bad child?

>

> I know my grandfather knows I love him. And he was always sensitive

> to the fact that I have 4 kids and flying cross country ain't cheap

> or easy, and was very forgiving if I could not get out to see him. Am

> I wanting to go to 'save face " ? Prove nada wrong? Am I strong enough

> to handle walking into a den of lions?

>

> Just need your thoughts. Thanks all in advance.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

God, , I have wondered about that one myself and don't know what I would

do either.

On the one hand, you have every right to go and say good-bye and start the

closure. On the other hand, you are right, they are going to be mean to you (or

I would prepare for it.)

When my dad was killed in his plane crash in '99, I found out about it through

an email. That is how black sheep I am. I flew my brother from London to

Anchorage for the funeral. His wife had a celebration of life = it was more a

celebration of her life and the 29.9 million she inherited. There were over 700

people there and over 1,000 at the funeral (people outside). Psychopaths are

very, very charming people. Plus, most were business: employees, associates

etc. But his wife had started a rumor that my dad committed suicide at the

celebration of life. I had people come up to me and spit on me, yell at me,

call me names, and etc. I passed out once from shock. But my brother and I

grabbed each other's hand and we made it through it. Funny thing was her

attorney told her to shut her mouth about the suicide thing b/c of the 6.4 mill

in life insurance that she wouldn't get if it was a suicide. She paid my cousin

to follow and keep track and report back to her on

everything we did and were planning on doing. It was a real living hell, but I

insisted on seeing my dad's body privately. I did and that was the real funeral

for me; the real letting go. I played polite to all the assholes there and took

the high ground. In fact, I am proud of myself for keeping my integrity. So

that might be something to consider in dealing with your FOO. Keep your

integrity and keep yourself safe. Oh, and another thing was that I asked a few

friends from high school to be there just in case. This helped a lot too. So,

if you have friends there, ask them to be there for your support.

Either way, I am sorry for your loss.

Take great care of yourself, .

Greg.

leik49832 wrote:

Hi all, Its been a while for me, sorry, But I went no contact in

December 04 from my nada, and it has been the best two years of my

life in the area of personal growth and healing. That being said, I

knew there would come a time when I would have to face her. And its

here.

My grandfather- nada's dad- is 92, very ill and will pass soon. I

live on the other side of the country from all of my family. But its

mostly 'her' family now, because over the past 2 years, we have all

had minimal contact and nada has been busy as a bee setting me up as

the all bad devil child. (I'm 40 btw).

If I go to be by my grandfather's side- he has severe alzheimers,

nada will be there also. If I go to the funeral, nada will be there.

I will be a complete outsider to the entire family. Aren't funerals

for the living? Don't you go to support your family?

Has anyone been here before? What was said? How did you handle seeing

nada? How did you handle being the bad child?

I know my grandfather knows I love him. And he was always sensitive

to the fact that I have 4 kids and flying cross country ain't cheap

or easy, and was very forgiving if I could not get out to see him. Am

I wanting to go to 'save face " ? Prove nada wrong? Am I strong enough

to handle walking into a den of lions?

Just need your thoughts. Thanks all in advance.

---------------------------------

Get your own web address for just $1.99/1st yr. We'll help. Yahoo! Small

Business.

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

That is a wonderful idea.

Greg.

kylaboo728 wrote:

This might sound severe to some, but you can honor your

grandfather's memory wherever you are. You are right to weigh the

consequences of an appearance at a funeral, when your grandfather is

already gone, and the living are the ones that would surround you

with the unpleasantness of your situation with nada.

If you go to his side, will he know you? It might cause more pain

for you.

You have every right to treasure your memories of you and your

grandfather -- and a funeral has nothing to do with it.

I wouldn't go. Go light a candle at a nearby church and thank God

for the gift of his life and the warm memories you have of your

relationship. Make a collage and hang it somewhere you can look at -

- donate time or money to a senior center that serves alzheimer's

(or ordinary) patients.

Funerals are an industry, don't forget. There's more than one way

to honor the dead. And you don't have to let your nada trample all

over your memories, including the last ones.

Good luck --

-Kyla

>

> Hi all, Its been a while for me, sorry, But I went no contact in

> December 04 from my nada, and it has been the best two years of my

> life in the area of personal growth and healing. That being said,

I

> knew there would come a time when I would have to face her. And

its

> here.

>

> My grandfather- nada's dad- is 92, very ill and will pass soon. I

> live on the other side of the country from all of my family. But

its

> mostly 'her' family now, because over the past 2 years, we have

all

> had minimal contact and nada has been busy as a bee setting me up

as

> the all bad devil child. (I'm 40 btw).

>

> If I go to be by my grandfather's side- he has severe alzheimers,

> nada will be there also. If I go to the funeral, nada will be

there.

> I will be a complete outsider to the entire family. Aren't

funerals

> for the living? Don't you go to support your family?

>

> Has anyone been here before? What was said? How did you handle

seeing

> nada? How did you handle being the bad child?

>

> I know my grandfather knows I love him. And he was always

sensitive

> to the fact that I have 4 kids and flying cross country ain't

cheap

> or easy, and was very forgiving if I could not get out to see him.

Am

> I wanting to go to 'save face " ? Prove nada wrong? Am I strong

enough

> to handle walking into a den of lions?

>

> Just need your thoughts. Thanks all in advance.

>

>

---------------------------------

Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

I think there are many ways to say goodbye, a funeral is the social

way to do it. If the society at the funeral isn't going to help you

say goodbye, I say find another way that helps you to grieve and

process.

a

>

> Hi all, Its been a while for me, sorry, But I went no contact in

> December 04 from my nada, and it has been the best two years of my

> life in the area of personal growth and healing. That being said,

I

> knew there would come a time when I would have to face her. And

its

> here.

>

> My grandfather- nada's dad- is 92, very ill and will pass soon. I

> live on the other side of the country from all of my family. But

its

> mostly 'her' family now, because over the past 2 years, we have

all

> had minimal contact and nada has been busy as a bee setting me up

as

> the all bad devil child. (I'm 40 btw).

>

> If I go to be by my grandfather's side- he has severe alzheimers,

> nada will be there also. If I go to the funeral, nada will be

there.

> I will be a complete outsider to the entire family. Aren't

funerals

> for the living? Don't you go to support your family?

>

> Has anyone been here before? What was said? How did you handle

seeing

> nada? How did you handle being the bad child?

>

> I know my grandfather knows I love him. And he was always

sensitive

> to the fact that I have 4 kids and flying cross country ain't

cheap

> or easy, and was very forgiving if I could not get out to see him.

Am

> I wanting to go to 'save face " ? Prove nada wrong? Am I strong

enough

> to handle walking into a den of lions?

>

> Just need your thoughts. Thanks all in advance.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Well I really think funerals are about what you the mourner feel

comfortable with. They are not necessary unless you want one. Yes,

funerals are for social reasons and for the living, but also the dead

if you a person of faith (burrying the dead is one of the decrees of

Christianity while I know in Hinduism they do cremation). You,

however, are not obligated even as a person of faith since this is

not your parent or your responsibility if you felt pressure from that

angle.

People do often desire to go to a funeral or burrial or whatnot for

their own personal reasons such as making it real. I know for me, it

does help make it more real whereas I am not a burrial person. I

can't handle the burrial part though the funeral part is something I

feel like I need just for my psychological surity. Everyone is

different though- some do not need it and some need the burrial. It

really depends upon what your needs are.

A funeral can be about supporting each other in a functional family.

Clearly if you went for a funeral that would not be the case. I would

assume if you went it would be for yourself and for your own personal

needs of closure or respect for the dead or whatever you will. I

would not suggest if you went to the funeral to announce your coming

nor would I suggest getting there early and leaving late. I'd suggest

if you do go that route after pondering it sufficiently, to go late

and leave early and not be noticed as you wouldn't be there for the

FOO, but for your personal needs.

In so far as visiting him, well it sounds like that is out of the

question since nada is watching him and there's no way you can avoid

her running interference.

If you opt out of going to the funeral, which should be respected as

it doesn't matter even if you come from a normal family, some people

can't do funerals and their methods of grieving should be respected

and appreciated, you could find other ways to express your own need

for closure and celebration of his life. You could plant a tree, take

a vacation to the ocean and meditate on the mysteries of life, you

could send money to your favorite charity in honor of his life or an

Alziehiemer's charity or what have you. There are lots of things you

can do to help you cope with this death process that has absolutely

nothing to do w/the FOO and like I said, I think it may even be

possible to go to the funeral if you need that and go late, stand in

the back and leave quickly so you are not noticed at all...or barely

at best and you don't have to interact with anyone.

It really is your call (and same w/everyone), but you are not

obligated to be there for people who have never been there for you. I

don't see that as honoring any form of life, but rather a worshipping

of a mindframe of death- death of the soul and spirit and I can't

imagine your grandfather or anyone who genuinely loves you wanting

that.

When I had a similar situation happen earlier this year, I had my

cousin go with me to the Memorial service. I think it is important to

have a balast in your own storm as you too have a right to grieve and

to do what is necessary for your healing and grieving process.

Best wishes. It is a hard situation to be in and I don't envy you,

but i support whatever decision you make and hope it is the best for

you.

Kerrie

>

> Hi all, Its been a while for me, sorry, But I went no contact in

> December 04 from my nada, and it has been the best two years of my

> life in the area of personal growth and healing. That being said, I

> knew there would come a time when I would have to face her. And its

> here.

>

> My grandfather- nada's dad- is 92, very ill and will pass soon. I

> live on the other side of the country from all of my family. But

its

> mostly 'her' family now, because over the past 2 years, we have all

> had minimal contact and nada has been busy as a bee setting me up

as

> the all bad devil child. (I'm 40 btw).

>

> If I go to be by my grandfather's side- he has severe alzheimers,

> nada will be there also. If I go to the funeral, nada will be

there.

> I will be a complete outsider to the entire family. Aren't funerals

> for the living? Don't you go to support your family?

>

> Has anyone been here before? What was said? How did you handle

seeing

> nada? How did you handle being the bad child?

>

> I know my grandfather knows I love him. And he was always sensitive

> to the fact that I have 4 kids and flying cross country ain't cheap

> or easy, and was very forgiving if I could not get out to see him.

Am

> I wanting to go to 'save face " ? Prove nada wrong? Am I strong

enough

> to handle walking into a den of lions?

>

> Just need your thoughts. Thanks all in advance.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I believe the bottom line in everything we KOs decide to do is how

it will affect us. That may sound selfish, maybe it even is

selfish, but we have to protect and take care of ourselves in every

interaction with the foo, as they are not usually supportive of our

needs.

You have already received great advice from others on this board. I

just want to remind you that you have the support of this board,

regardless of what you chose to do. We all understand that this

difficult situation is made even more difficult because of having a

nada.

Many people do go to funerals to support the family. But the

definition of family is different for each of us. Are these people

your family in any way other than biological? Have they provided

support to you when you needed it? If you feel that going there is

like walking into a den of lions, I would say that first, is there a

greater benefit to doing so, and second, even though we have been

taught to 'sacrifice' for nada and others, that is not a noral

response. People don't voluntarily go into a den of lions unless

they believe there is a far greater benefit for doing so.

I am also a split black child - I went to a family wedding two years

ago, facing nada and her foo, because that is what I wanted to do.

Since that time, I have chosen not to go to another wedding and to

the funeral of my aunt. My choice was based on not wanting to feel

uncomfortable at the wedding, and not wanting to created a stressful

situation for my aunt's family, who are really nice people, and they

didn't need the nada drama that would have been created had I come

to the funeral. In that way, I felt I was more respectful of my

aunt than by actually being there.

Please remember in all of this to take care of yourself,

Sylvia

>

> Hi all, Its been a while for me, sorry, But I went no contact in

> December 04 from my nada, and it has been the best two years of my

> life in the area of personal growth and healing. That being said,

I

> knew there would come a time when I would have to face her. And

its

> here.

>

> My grandfather- nada's dad- is 92, very ill and will pass soon. I

> live on the other side of the country from all of my family. But

its

> mostly 'her' family now, because over the past 2 years, we have

all

> had minimal contact and nada has been busy as a bee setting me up

as

> the all bad devil child. (I'm 40 btw).

>

> If I go to be by my grandfather's side- he has severe alzheimers,

> nada will be there also. If I go to the funeral, nada will be

there.

> I will be a complete outsider to the entire family. Aren't

funerals

> for the living? Don't you go to support your family?

>

> Has anyone been here before? What was said? How did you handle

seeing

> nada? How did you handle being the bad child?

>

> I know my grandfather knows I love him. And he was always

sensitive

> to the fact that I have 4 kids and flying cross country ain't

cheap

> or easy, and was very forgiving if I could not get out to see him.

Am

> I wanting to go to 'save face " ? Prove nada wrong? Am I strong

enough

> to handle walking into a den of lions?

>

> Just need your thoughts. Thanks all in advance.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

What came to mind as I read your post was:

What do you have to gain if you go?

What do you have to lose if you go?

The stress of the unpredictability of the FOO, or worse yet, the

predictability of the FOO, can take a huge toll, beginning when we

even contemplate being around them and building and building until

we actually do.

I think it all depends on how strong one is. If you are at a place

of strength and resolve you may be able to go and not be too

affected by the negative energy and/or confrontations.

However, if you are not feeling that stable, then it could feel like

an all out assault and take time to recover from. It could push you

back and make real all the pain that you are more distanced from

right now.

If your FOO has split you all bad then I would imagine they will

direct that onto you and it is hard to take, even for the strongest

person. It is like going back to the war zone where we used to be in

constant battle and often injured. Once we have found a safe place

to heal and grow stronger it is hard to return to such conditions.

I mean, we know what is there and what it can do to us. If you do

go, put on your heavy armour.

If you don't go, it is okay. If our intentions are good and we are

doing what is best for ourselves, that is never wrong.

My sister didn't go to our fathers funeral because she has a

horrible social anxiety disorder and can't easily be around people.

I know she SO wanted to be there, but couldn't. She expressed to me

that 'dad understood' and I said " Absolutely, he did!'

It is what's in our hearts that matter, not whether we physically

go to a certain place. I know my sister had her own private service

within her heart and I bet it was more special than the one the

funeral home put on.

Take care,

>

> Hi all, Its been a while for me, sorry, But I went no contact in

> December 04 from my nada, and it has been the best two years of my

> life in the area of personal growth and healing. That being said,

I

> knew there would come a time when I would have to face her. And

its

> here.

>

> My grandfather- nada's dad- is 92, very ill and will pass soon. I

> live on the other side of the country from all of my family. But

its

> mostly 'her' family now, because over the past 2 years, we have

all

> had minimal contact and nada has been busy as a bee setting me up

as

> the all bad devil child. (I'm 40 btw).

>

> If I go to be by my grandfather's side- he has severe alzheimers,

> nada will be there also. If I go to the funeral, nada will be

there.

> I will be a complete outsider to the entire family. Aren't

funerals

> for the living? Don't you go to support your family?

>

> Has anyone been here before? What was said? How did you handle

seeing

> nada? How did you handle being the bad child?

>

> I know my grandfather knows I love him. And he was always

sensitive

> to the fact that I have 4 kids and flying cross country ain't

cheap

> or easy, and was very forgiving if I could not get out to see him.

Am

> I wanting to go to 'save face " ? Prove nada wrong? Am I strong

enough

> to handle walking into a den of lions?

>

> Just need your thoughts. Thanks all in advance.

>

>

[Guest guest]

, how bad is your grandfather's alzeimer's? I went to visit my

grandfather for the last time with my nada 2 years before he died. He

already didn't remember me. At any rate, he might not be coherant now

or be able to know you're there--It's something to consider before you

decide to go.

I personally would say, go for your grandfather, if he's awake enough,

visit while he's alive if you can and if you can avoid too much wrath

from your nada. I wouldn't bother with the funeral--BP funerals are

abundantly weird and crappy and the deceased is not concerned about if

you went or not.

Hugs,

Trish

>

> Hi all, Its been a while for me, sorry, But I went no contact in

> December 04 from my nada, and it has been the best two years of my

> life in the area of personal growth and healing. That being said, I

> knew there would come a time when I would have to face her. And its

> here.

>

> My grandfather- nada's dad- is 92, very ill and will pass soon. I

> live on the other side of the country from all of my family. But its

> mostly 'her' family now, because over the past 2 years, we have all

> had minimal contact and nada has been busy as a bee setting me up as

> the all bad devil child. (I'm 40 btw).

>

> If I go to be by my grandfather's side- he has severe alzheimers,

> nada will be there also. If I go to the funeral, nada will be there.

> I will be a complete outsider to the entire family. Aren't funerals

> for the living? Don't you go to support your family?

>

> Has anyone been here before? What was said? How did you handle seeing

> nada? How did you handle being the bad child?

>

> I know my grandfather knows I love him. And he was always sensitive

> to the fact that I have 4 kids and flying cross country ain't cheap

> or easy, and was very forgiving if I could not get out to see him. Am

> I wanting to go to 'save face " ? Prove nada wrong? Am I strong enough

> to handle walking into a den of lions?

>

> Just need your thoughts. Thanks all in advance.

>

>