Re: I have to go back in

[Guest guest]

Deanna,

I mostly lurk on this board, but your message really evoked

something in me. I'm so sorry this has happened! I'm sorry for your

father and for you.

I want to say that these last 6 months of detachment and healing

will NOT *poof* and disappear just because you decide to initiate

some contact with your FOO and nada. This experience has changed

your life (it has for me). For example, you can see patterns of

behavior more clearly, and you know that you can have " your own

space " when and where you need it.

Your father is ill and will need help, so you'll have a lot to

navigate as you consider what kind of role you could or should take

on. But, no matter what, I believe you can rely on yourself to

protect and care for you. And, you have this group. When you come

home, we KOs will be here to wrap our cyber arms around you.

- April

>

> Six months of NC, and just this morning I was thinking about how

much

> calmer I have been feeling, and less hopeless. I've let a couple

of

> unhealthy relationships go. Maybe I will date again? Maybe there

is

> someone out there for me? Maybe I can be that peaceful person I

have

> seen in other people? I've felt like I'm healing. Doing energy

work,

> emotional therapy.

>

> So the news is my father has alzheimer's (also, I'm sure, that I'm

a

> horrible person for being away for 6 months). I just knew

something

> would kill my opportunity at healing. My mother is a *horrible*

> caretaker. Angry, frustrated, complete lack of compassion. I

could

> totally see her abusing him as he declines by yelling at him and

> treating him like crap, the way she did when I came out of surgery

or

> was feeling awful.

>

> He is only 64, which, according to the internet, sounds like

Familial

> Alzheimer's, meaning it's hereditary and I have a 50/50 chance of

> getting it too. I am only 36, but my memory has been sucking for a

> couple years, which I had attributed to depression. I guess

> depression contributes to Alzheimer's.

>

> My father quit his job 2 years ago and just stopped doing

anything.

> He used to hunt and use the computer a lot and he quit doing this

> stuff to sit in the house alone with my toxic nada. So of course

he

> became depressed. We have all noticed his failing memory, so I

don't

> think she is making this up.

>

> Word is, she is dealing with this by drinking.

>

> I don't feel I have a choice but to go back in. This is crappy

enough

> without having a mother that sucks the life and the joy out of

you.

> And now I will have to deal with her again. I feel this might be

> bearable if I could come home and have someone to wrap their arms

> around me, but I don't even have that.

>

> I somehow knew I would not get the time to heal that I wanted. My

> nada was right; everything *does* just turn to shit.

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Six months of NC, and just this morning I was thinking about how much

> calmer I have been feeling, and less hopeless. I've let a couple of

> unhealthy relationships go. Maybe I will date again? Maybe there is

> someone out there for me? Maybe I can be that peaceful person I have

> seen in other people? I've felt like I'm healing. Doing energy work,

> emotional therapy.

Wow! This is so awesome! This post is a definite shift from some of

your past posts describing your feelings, former work situations, and

painful memories. It does now sound like things are thankfully moving

in a different direction.

I would like to agree with what April also posted. As important as it

is to maintain your personal distance, I did find after talking to my

nada after three months the only feeling I had when I got off the

phone wasn't " I feel like a terrible person; I feel guilty; I feel

worthless; I feel totally depressed and abandoned " (which I used to

feel after my weekly phone calls...)

Instead she didn't get to me as easily. I felt like, " I just as soon

never talk to you again. " This was SUCH a victory for me. It was

validation that things were really changing for me.

Whether or not you have this type of reaction, I bet you won't be

drawn into the guilt trips as easily and will know how to set better

boundaries. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? She'll stop

talking to you? ; )

Hang in there. The situation with your father sounds very

complicated. Sometimes healing can be complicated by real life

situations such as health, financial burden, children etc. This is

just a fact of life. It does not, however, mean that " everything

turns to shit " . One step back does not mean you can't take two steps

forward after you reinforce NC with nada after you make more

appropriate care arrangements for your father.

Stay gold,

G.

>

> So the news is my father has alzheimer's (also, I'm sure, that I'm a

> horrible person for being away for 6 months). I just knew something

> would kill my opportunity at healing. My mother is a *horrible*

> caretaker. Angry, frustrated, complete lack of compassion. I could

> totally see her abusing him as he declines by yelling at him and

> treating him like crap, the way she did when I came out of surgery or

> was feeling awful.

>

> He is only 64, which, according to the internet, sounds like Familial

> Alzheimer's, meaning it's hereditary and I have a 50/50 chance of

> getting it too. I am only 36, but my memory has been sucking for a

> couple years, which I had attributed to depression. I guess

> depression contributes to Alzheimer's.

>

> My father quit his job 2 years ago and just stopped doing anything.

> He used to hunt and use the computer a lot and he quit doing this

> stuff to sit in the house alone with my toxic nada. So of course he

> became depressed. We have all noticed his failing memory, so I don't

> think she is making this up.

>

> Word is, she is dealing with this by drinking.

>

> I don't feel I have a choice but to go back in. This is crappy enough

> without having a mother that sucks the life and the joy out of you.

> And now I will have to deal with her again. I feel this might be

> bearable if I could come home and have someone to wrap their arms

> around me, but I don't even have that.

>

> I somehow knew I would not get the time to heal that I wanted. My

> nada was right; everything *does* just turn to shit.

>

[Guest guest]

Veg,

There are things that you can do before you get involved with the

foo again. Of course, make sure the diagnosis is valid, and then

find out what services are available for patients in your area.

There are organizations that provide support even for the family

members. Get advice and guidance in this area. Get your support

system into place - and of course - we on this board are going to be

there for you too.

This has hit you hard - so give yourself some time to think this all

through. But don't let your mother's negativity become a self

fullfilling prophesy for yourself. You deserve better than that,

and you have already seen yourself going in that direction. You can

deal with this and continue your healing, you have enough drive and

determination to do so. Remember that in a stressful situation, it

is most important to first take care of yourself, so keep your needs

as your top priority. That is the only way you will have energy to

help your dad.

What type of energy work have you been doing? (I just started

energy work for animals, and it is very interesting.)

You are in my thoughts, and I am send positive energy and thoughts

to you. Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Six months of NC, and just this morning I was thinking about how

much

> calmer I have been feeling, and less hopeless. I've let a couple

of

> unhealthy relationships go. Maybe I will date again? Maybe there

is

> someone out there for me? Maybe I can be that peaceful person I

have

> seen in other people? I've felt like I'm healing. Doing energy

work,

> emotional therapy.

>

> So the news is my father has alzheimer's (also, I'm sure, that I'm

a

> horrible person for being away for 6 months). I just knew

something

> would kill my opportunity at healing. My mother is a *horrible*

> caretaker. Angry, frustrated, complete lack of compassion. I

could

> totally see her abusing him as he declines by yelling at him and

> treating him like crap, the way she did when I came out of surgery

or

> was feeling awful.

>

> He is only 64, which, according to the internet, sounds like

Familial

> Alzheimer's, meaning it's hereditary and I have a 50/50 chance of

> getting it too. I am only 36, but my memory has been sucking for a

> couple years, which I had attributed to depression. I guess

> depression contributes to Alzheimer's.

>

> My father quit his job 2 years ago and just stopped doing

anything.

> He used to hunt and use the computer a lot and he quit doing this

> stuff to sit in the house alone with my toxic nada. So of course

he

> became depressed. We have all noticed his failing memory, so I

don't

> think she is making this up.

>

> Word is, she is dealing with this by drinking.

>

> I don't feel I have a choice but to go back in. This is crappy

enough

> without having a mother that sucks the life and the joy out of

you.

> And now I will have to deal with her again. I feel this might be

> bearable if I could come home and have someone to wrap their arms

> around me, but I don't even have that.

>

> I somehow knew I would not get the time to heal that I wanted. My

> nada was right; everything *does* just turn to shit.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Deanna,

I'm sorry that you're in such a stressful situation

that is magnified because of your nada. I definitely

second what April said: that the time you have spent

away has changed you and you can use this strength to

negotiate what you need now. You might not have been

as clear about your needs in earlier interactions with

your nada.

There may be a 50/50 chance of you inheriting this

disease, but recent reseach has uncovered more and

more information about how to prevent it. A study

appeared just last week about how people who plan have

a much decreased chance of developing it.

You said that you need to go back in, but I wonder if

there is a way to get your father out. If he does

have an advanced case of Alzheimer's, he may need

additional care that would require a professional.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one. We

are all here for you.

is

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[Guest guest]

Hi Deanna,

I am sorry that your father has Alzheimer's Disease. You are strong,

you are a wonderful person and you deserve a great life. Even if your

foo has a crisis to get through, you can remain strong. I know it is

easy to get hoovered back in and you might not feel strong enough yet

but you can always pull back again when you need to. You can do this

your way.

Hugs

Karin

(patinage)

>

> Six months of NC, and just this morning I was thinking about how

much

> calmer I have been feeling, and less hopeless. I've let a couple of

> unhealthy relationships go. Maybe I will date again? Maybe there

is

> someone out there for me? Maybe I can be that peaceful person I

have

> seen in other people? I've felt like I'm healing. Doing energy

work,

> emotional therapy.

>

> So the news is my father has alzheimer's (also, I'm sure, that I'm a

> horrible person for being away for 6 months). I just knew something

> would kill my opportunity at healing. My mother is a *horrible*

> caretaker. Angry, frustrated, complete lack of compassion. I could

> totally see her abusing him as he declines by yelling at him and

> treating him like crap, the way she did when I came out of surgery

or

> was feeling awful.

>

> He is only 64, which, according to the internet, sounds like

Familial

> Alzheimer's, meaning it's hereditary and I have a 50/50 chance of

> getting it too. I am only 36, but my memory has been sucking for a

> couple years, which I had attributed to depression. I guess

> depression contributes to Alzheimer's.

>

> My father quit his job 2 years ago and just stopped doing anything.

> He used to hunt and use the computer a lot and he quit doing this

> stuff to sit in the house alone with my toxic nada. So of course he

> became depressed. We have all noticed his failing memory, so I

don't

> think she is making this up.

>

> Word is, she is dealing with this by drinking.

>

> I don't feel I have a choice but to go back in. This is crappy

enough

> without having a mother that sucks the life and the joy out of you.

> And now I will have to deal with her again. I feel this might be

> bearable if I could come home and have someone to wrap their arms

> around me, but I don't even have that.

>

> I somehow knew I would not get the time to heal that I wanted. My

> nada was right; everything *does* just turn to shit.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sylvia,

Thank you for your response. The energy work I am doing is Network

Spinal Analysis, with a chiropractor. I don't totally understand it

myself, but it has to do with releasing stuck energy. You can google

it to find out more. It is also covered by my insurance! (my

therapist is not).

-Deanna

> >

> > Six months of NC, and just this morning I was thinking about how

> much

> > calmer I have been feeling, and less hopeless. I've let a couple

> of

> > unhealthy relationships go. Maybe I will date again? Maybe there

> is

> > someone out there for me? Maybe I can be that peaceful person I

> have

> > seen in other people? I've felt like I'm healing. Doing energy

> work,

> > emotional therapy.

> >

> > So the news is my father has alzheimer's (also, I'm sure, that I'm

> a

> > horrible person for being away for 6 months). I just knew

> something

> > would kill my opportunity at healing. My mother is a *horrible*

> > caretaker. Angry, frustrated, complete lack of compassion. I

> could

> > totally see her abusing him as he declines by yelling at him and

> > treating him like crap, the way she did when I came out of surgery

> or

> > was feeling awful.

> >

> > He is only 64, which, according to the internet, sounds like

> Familial

> > Alzheimer's, meaning it's hereditary and I have a 50/50 chance of

> > getting it too. I am only 36, but my memory has been sucking for a

> > couple years, which I had attributed to depression. I guess

> > depression contributes to Alzheimer's.

> >

> > My father quit his job 2 years ago and just stopped doing

> anything.

> > He used to hunt and use the computer a lot and he quit doing this

> > stuff to sit in the house alone with my toxic nada. So of course

> he

> > became depressed. We have all noticed his failing memory, so I

> don't

> > think she is making this up.

> >

> > Word is, she is dealing with this by drinking.

> >

> > I don't feel I have a choice but to go back in. This is crappy

> enough

> > without having a mother that sucks the life and the joy out of

> you.

> > And now I will have to deal with her again. I feel this might be

> > bearable if I could come home and have someone to wrap their arms

> > around me, but I don't even have that.

> >

> > I somehow knew I would not get the time to heal that I wanted. My

> > nada was right; everything *does* just turn to shit.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you, and it is nice to finally met you, Karin!

I really appreciate your kind words. When my SIL called to tell me

about this, she said, " Why couldn't it have been her instead of him " ?

Then she said, " I know that sounds awful. "

The last time I saw my SIL we discussed the horror, the HORROR of the

possibility that my father would go before my mother, and how much it

would make her really lose her ability to function emotionally. How

ironic that we had that discussion.

-Deanna

> >

> > Six months of NC, and just this morning I was thinking about how

> much

> > calmer I have been feeling, and less hopeless. I've let a couple of

> > unhealthy relationships go. Maybe I will date again? Maybe there

> is

> > someone out there for me? Maybe I can be that peaceful person I

> have

> > seen in other people? I've felt like I'm healing. Doing energy

> work,

> > emotional therapy.

> >

> > So the news is my father has alzheimer's (also, I'm sure, that I'm a

> > horrible person for being away for 6 months). I just knew something

> > would kill my opportunity at healing. My mother is a *horrible*

> > caretaker. Angry, frustrated, complete lack of compassion. I could

> > totally see her abusing him as he declines by yelling at him and

> > treating him like crap, the way she did when I came out of surgery

> or

> > was feeling awful.

> >

> > He is only 64, which, according to the internet, sounds like

> Familial

> > Alzheimer's, meaning it's hereditary and I have a 50/50 chance of

> > getting it too. I am only 36, but my memory has been sucking for a

> > couple years, which I had attributed to depression. I guess

> > depression contributes to Alzheimer's.

> >

> > My father quit his job 2 years ago and just stopped doing anything.

> > He used to hunt and use the computer a lot and he quit doing this

> > stuff to sit in the house alone with my toxic nada. So of course he

> > became depressed. We have all noticed his failing memory, so I

> don't

> > think she is making this up.

> >

> > Word is, she is dealing with this by drinking.

> >

> > I don't feel I have a choice but to go back in. This is crappy

> enough

> > without having a mother that sucks the life and the joy out of you.

> > And now I will have to deal with her again. I feel this might be

> > bearable if I could come home and have someone to wrap their arms

> > around me, but I don't even have that.

> >

> > I somehow knew I would not get the time to heal that I wanted. My

> > nada was right; everything *does* just turn to shit.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the info, Deanna. I am going to check this out. I think

a chiro in my area may be doing this. Goodness knows I probably

have blocked energy!!!

Sylvia

> > >

> > > Six months of NC, and just this morning I was thinking about

how

> > much

> > > calmer I have been feeling, and less hopeless. I've let a

couple

> > of

> > > unhealthy relationships go. Maybe I will date again? Maybe

there

> > is

> > > someone out there for me? Maybe I can be that peaceful person

I

> > have

> > > seen in other people? I've felt like I'm healing. Doing

energy

> > work,

> > > emotional therapy.

> > >

> > > So the news is my father has alzheimer's (also, I'm sure, that

I'm

> > a

> > > horrible person for being away for 6 months). I just knew

> > something

> > > would kill my opportunity at healing. My mother is a

*horrible*

> > > caretaker. Angry, frustrated, complete lack of compassion. I

> > could

> > > totally see her abusing him as he declines by yelling at him

and

> > > treating him like crap, the way she did when I came out of

surgery

> > or

> > > was feeling awful.

> > >

> > > He is only 64, which, according to the internet, sounds like

> > Familial

> > > Alzheimer's, meaning it's hereditary and I have a 50/50 chance

of

> > > getting it too. I am only 36, but my memory has been sucking

for a

> > > couple years, which I had attributed to depression. I guess

> > > depression contributes to Alzheimer's.

> > >

> > > My father quit his job 2 years ago and just stopped doing

> > anything.

> > > He used to hunt and use the computer a lot and he quit doing

this

> > > stuff to sit in the house alone with my toxic nada. So of

course

> > he

> > > became depressed. We have all noticed his failing memory, so

I

> > don't

> > > think she is making this up.

> > >

> > > Word is, she is dealing with this by drinking.

> > >

> > > I don't feel I have a choice but to go back in. This is

crappy

> > enough

> > > without having a mother that sucks the life and the joy out of

> > you.

> > > And now I will have to deal with her again. I feel this might

be

> > > bearable if I could come home and have someone to wrap their

arms

> > > around me, but I don't even have that.

> > >

> > > I somehow knew I would not get the time to heal that I

wanted. My

> > > nada was right; everything *does* just turn to shit.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Deanna,

The first thing that came to my mind when I read your e-mail was " Wow.

That's a lot to go through and think about. Take a deep breath. " It

sounds like you're worrying about too many things at once, and with

good reason. I know what that's like, and I find that it helps to just

sit down and take a really deep breath. And then take another. And

another. Just focus on your breathing for a while and don't allow

yourself to think about anything else.

Secondly, your nada is wrong. Everything does not turn to shit, but

things can get difficult. It sucks, but you can get through it. Easy

for me to say, as a bystander. But I'm sure a lot of people here have

been through some really tough situations. So you can too.

Thirdly, you mentioned that you were concerned about inheriting

Alzheimer's disease and pointed to your recent spotty memory as

evidence. I don't know if it's related, but I've suffered from poor

memory as a result of adrenal fatigue, which is pretty similar to

PTSD. Perhaps your memory issues are related to PTSD or something

similar as a result of being in a BPD environment?

That said, my memory, concentration, and retention have improved quite

a lot as my adrenal fatigue improves. Two things that help in

particular are balancing Omega-3 to Omega-6 fats (i.e. supplementing

with unpolluted fish or krill oil, or flax seeds) and exercising your

memory. Our neurons can actually form new connections, but we must

continue to use our brains in order to form those new connections.

When I have difficulty remembering something, I think about it or talk

about it until I remember. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

But I feel like the effort, in and of itself, is useful.

Hang in there!

qwerty

>

> He is only 64, which, according to the internet, sounds like Familial

> Alzheimer's, meaning it's hereditary and I have a 50/50 chance of

> getting it too. I am only 36, but my memory has been sucking for a

> couple years, which I had attributed to depression. I guess

> depression contributes to Alzheimer's.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Deanna,

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. It does suck when something

like this happens to pull us back in. I know exactly what you mean

when you say that your mother taught you that " everything turns to

shit " - this was the primary lesson from my nada. After nearly a

year and a half LC, I am just starting to stop anticipating every

day that something will happen to make my life come apart at the

seams. I was constantly expecting news of FOO crises that will make

it harder for me to keep this distance that has allowed me to grow

so much.

That said, I want to thank you for all of your honest and thought-

provoking posts - I mean to write and tell you that every time i

read them, and never do! You express yourself so well, and your

words make it so much easier for me to identify and come to terms

with my own feelings. Only someone with considerable inner strength

could write as you do. While our mothers taught us that " everything

turns to shit " - i.e. that we will never be able to have what we

want (perhaps because what they are missing inside is so deep that

they will never be able to have what THEY want???) - that is only

true insofar as our relationships with them. Within that

relationship, they will always make sure that you don't have what

you want. But outside that mother-daughter relationship, the sky's

the limit. You can continue to maintain your boundaries and the new

parts of yourself that you have developed even if you choose to

revoke your NC status to help your family at this time. You are the

one choosing, not them.

Personally, I've found that even when I do have interactions with my

nada now, the fact that I have come more to terms with my KO issues

and become so much stronger and more dependent means that she

treats me very differently than she used to. Not well - no BPDs

treat me well! - but she is a lot more cautious about crossing

boundaries. I sincerely hope that your family finds that while you

may be choosing to help them now out of compassion, today's Deanna

is a lot harder to mess with.

Sara

>

> Six months of NC, and just this morning I was thinking about how

much

> calmer I have been feeling, and less hopeless. I've let a couple

of

> unhealthy relationships go. Maybe I will date again? Maybe there

is

> someone out there for me? Maybe I can be that peaceful person I

have

> seen in other people? I've felt like I'm healing. Doing energy

work,

> emotional therapy.

>

> So the news is my father has alzheimer's (also, I'm sure, that I'm

a

> horrible person for being away for 6 months). I just knew

something

> would kill my opportunity at healing. My mother is a *horrible*

> caretaker. Angry, frustrated, complete lack of compassion. I

could

> totally see her abusing him as he declines by yelling at him and

> treating him like crap, the way she did when I came out of surgery

or

> was feeling awful.

>

> He is only 64, which, according to the internet, sounds like

Familial

> Alzheimer's, meaning it's hereditary and I have a 50/50 chance of

> getting it too. I am only 36, but my memory has been sucking for a

> couple years, which I had attributed to depression. I guess

> depression contributes to Alzheimer's.

>

> My father quit his job 2 years ago and just stopped doing

anything.

> He used to hunt and use the computer a lot and he quit doing this

> stuff to sit in the house alone with my toxic nada. So of course

he

> became depressed. We have all noticed his failing memory, so I

don't

> think she is making this up.

>

> Word is, she is dealing with this by drinking.

>

> I don't feel I have a choice but to go back in. This is crappy

enough

> without having a mother that sucks the life and the joy out of

you.

> And now I will have to deal with her again. I feel this might be

> bearable if I could come home and have someone to wrap their arms

> around me, but I don't even have that.

>

> I somehow knew I would not get the time to heal that I wanted. My

> nada was right; everything *does* just turn to shit.

>

[Guest guest]

I can truly relate to this as health issues within my family have

drawn me back in and led to the breakdown of some boundaries which

had helped me manage in dealing with them. First I'd say take the

time to allow yourself your feelings about this - your frustration at

your time away being cut short and your worries about what increased

contact may bring. All the thoughts and feelings of dealing with the

situation for your father and whatever difficulties your mother will

throw in the mix will soon try to take center stage. As hard as it

is, try to keep coming back to the center of you what is happening in

you so that you get that acknowledgment and don't lose yourself.

Elderly parents with health issues is one of the few things that can

pull us back in based on our own sense of honor and necessity it hard

for this to come right when your focus was on healing yourself. The

pressure from people in normal society as well for you to act is

tremendous. I am very sorry to hear about your father having the

Alzheimer's though and I hope he can get some treatment soon. There

are some drugs out there that really can make a difference in terms

of his function right now and slowing the decline.

Just in terms of practical matters, try to get as many " outsiders "

involved in his care and evaluation as possible. Regular home visits

from assistance people and the like. The more of that you can get,

the less your mother can mistreat him, the more you can have

influence, and it lessens the burden of responsibility on you as

well. Take care.

julie

>

> Six months of NC, and just this morning I was thinking about how

much

> calmer I have been feeling, and less hopeless. I've let a couple of

> unhealthy relationships go. Maybe I will date again? Maybe there

is

> someone out there for me? Maybe I can be that peaceful person I

have

> seen in other people? I've felt like I'm healing. Doing energy

work,

> emotional therapy.

>

> So the news is my father has alzheimer's (also, I'm sure, that I'm a

> horrible person for being away for 6 months). I just knew something

> would kill my opportunity at healing. My mother is a *horrible*

> caretaker. Angry, frustrated, complete lack of compassion. I could

> totally see her abusing him as he declines by yelling at him and

> treating him like crap, the way she did when I came out of surgery

or

> was feeling awful.

>

> He is only 64, which, according to the internet, sounds like

Familial

> Alzheimer's, meaning it's hereditary and I have a 50/50 chance of

> getting it too. I am only 36, but my memory has been sucking for a

> couple years, which I had attributed to depression. I guess

> depression contributes to Alzheimer's.

>

> My father quit his job 2 years ago and just stopped doing anything.

> He used to hunt and use the computer a lot and he quit doing this

> stuff to sit in the house alone with my toxic nada. So of course he

> became depressed. We have all noticed his failing memory, so I

don't

> think she is making this up.

>

> Word is, she is dealing with this by drinking.

>

> I don't feel I have a choice but to go back in. This is crappy

enough

> without having a mother that sucks the life and the joy out of you.

> And now I will have to deal with her again. I feel this might be

> bearable if I could come home and have someone to wrap their arms

> around me, but I don't even have that.

>

> I somehow knew I would not get the time to heal that I wanted. My

> nada was right; everything *does* just turn to shit.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for the suggestions. I am glad you are getting

better from the adrenal fatigue. It could very well be a chronic, low

grade depression of....I don't even know how many years....that has

contributed to my memory difficulties. I will definitely invest in

the flax oil.

I am taking some classes right now too, so that is good work for my

memory.

> >

> > He is only 64, which, according to the internet, sounds like Familial

> > Alzheimer's, meaning it's hereditary and I have a 50/50 chance of

> > getting it too. I am only 36, but my memory has been sucking for a

> > couple years, which I had attributed to depression. I guess

> > depression contributes to Alzheimer's.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sara, that was so nice of you to say. I appreciate it so much. I was

very touched by your response. I don't want to bore everyone by

responding to everyone who resplied to my post. I do want to say how

nice all of you are and how great it is to have that, especially from

people who really understand this stuff about my mother.

> >

> > Six months of NC, and just this morning I was thinking about how

> much

> > calmer I have been feeling, and less hopeless. I've let a couple

> of

> > unhealthy relationships go. Maybe I will date again? Maybe there

> is

> > someone out there for me? Maybe I can be that peaceful person I

> have

> > seen in other people? I've felt like I'm healing. Doing energy

> work,

> > emotional therapy.

> >

> > So the news is my father has alzheimer's (also, I'm sure, that I'm

> a

> > horrible person for being away for 6 months). I just knew

> something

> > would kill my opportunity at healing. My mother is a *horrible*

> > caretaker. Angry, frustrated, complete lack of compassion. I

> could

> > totally see her abusing him as he declines by yelling at him and

> > treating him like crap, the way she did when I came out of surgery

> or

> > was feeling awful.

> >

> > He is only 64, which, according to the internet, sounds like

> Familial

> > Alzheimer's, meaning it's hereditary and I have a 50/50 chance of

> > getting it too. I am only 36, but my memory has been sucking for a

> > couple years, which I had attributed to depression. I guess

> > depression contributes to Alzheimer's.

> >

> > My father quit his job 2 years ago and just stopped doing

> anything.

> > He used to hunt and use the computer a lot and he quit doing this

> > stuff to sit in the house alone with my toxic nada. So of course

> he

> > became depressed. We have all noticed his failing memory, so I

> don't

> > think she is making this up.

> >

> > Word is, she is dealing with this by drinking.

> >

> > I don't feel I have a choice but to go back in. This is crappy

> enough

> > without having a mother that sucks the life and the joy out of

> you.

> > And now I will have to deal with her again. I feel this might be

> > bearable if I could come home and have someone to wrap their arms

> > around me, but I don't even have that.

> >

> > I somehow knew I would not get the time to heal that I wanted. My

> > nada was right; everything *does* just turn to shit.

> >

>