Guest guest Posted September 29, 2007 Report Share Posted September 29, 2007 Spill your instincts are right on. There is no precedent in 'nature' for surviving a needy mother. Life is not fair; mother rabbits will eat their own young when deprived of water. Get yourself free, escape. Move out and allow her to for once FEEL the consequences of using her child for her own comfort. Fellow escape, Carol In a message dated 9/29/2007 10:42:35 PM Eastern Standard Time, spillproof78@... writes: > If you need to read something hopeful, please don't read this post. > > I don't want to drop my shit on anyone here, but I need someplace to go that > isn't my own > head, but that still allows me to write. > > This isn't going to work ... we're going to lose the house. I brought my > mother with me to > a new town when I got a new job and moved, and for the last year and a half > she has > manipulated her way into being carried, financially, by me. > > When I drew a line and made her get a job, she threatened to kill herself. > > Every time I've tried to set a budget, she's thrown a huge tantrum. And > demands credit for > the cooking and the cleaning she's done, as if that has any bearing > whatsoever on the > finances. > > She's manipulated the math SO badly -- and this is what makes me the > angriest, because I > never feel I know what my own expenses are -- that I have spent the last > year and a half > bailing her out. She's even taken the bills into her room, as if she's paid > them, and I only > find out later that the bill in my name has gone into collection. > > And then, when she feels this God damned, pointless, childish, emotional > need to nest, > she goes out and spends $500 on groceries we don't need, or sweaters, or > other " comfort > purchases. " When I call her on this, when I get angry or sad or frustrated, > and she sees it, > she wants to know what's wrong. Demands to know, since I won't tell her, > because I know > what will come of it, until eventually she finds me and hounds me and breaks > down doors > or whathaveyou, because she NEEDS to know what's wrong. > > She NEEDS to know what's wrong because she needs to tell me how stupid it > is, how > dramatic I am ... she needs to know what's wrong so she can defend against > it by > browbeating me into a submissive state. > > I am filled with so much hatred toward the world right now I can feel it in > my throat ... the > scream I want to let out, the anger that is making my heart race. I hate > her. I hate my own > mother. I have put my life on hold for several years now to help her, and > it's done nothing > ... becase I know now that I can't help her. She'll only live off of my > energy and my money > and my life until I'm older and wondering what the hell I did with my young > adult years. > > I want to cry, but I cant cry. I hate that she is a worthless slug of a > mother who expects me > to carry her. I dont care that she's sick. I hate her. She's been to > counseling before and > given up. And I hate her for giving up. I hate her for not giving a shit > about me. > > We're going to lose this house. We're going to lose this house because > starting next > month, I am no longer going to pay more than my fair share of the bills and > the rent. I > have taken over the bills and have given her the rent as her sole financial > responsibility > every month -- and I will give her my portion of the rent, minus half of > whatever I've paid > for the bills. From now on, if she doesnt take care of the rent, it doest > get paid, we default > until we get evicted. > > Or maybe I can just go to the landlord and tell him this isn't working. We > can't afford the > rent anymore. I dont know. > > I can't do this anymore. > > Her back is bad, but she'll have to go to an assisted living facility. I > cant do this. > > I want to kick a hole in the sky. What the fuck kind of point does BPD > serve, in the context > of our evolutionary survival? What kind of a cruel fucking trick is this? > > I've tried so hard, spent years of my life doing what I thought a good > daughter would do ... > I've been mymother's crutch my entire life, and only a year ago, I come > across the concept > of BPD. But at this point ... great. Pointless fucking human condition. What > a sad sack of > shit this all is. > > I no longer think life is beautiful, or good, or fair and just. > > I just want to punch things and scream and curse God and myself and this > whole rotten > shit stinking planet of mindfucked, abused women who turn on their own > babies. > > > <BR><BR>**************************************<BR> See what's new at http://www.aol.com</HTML> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2007 Report Share Posted September 29, 2007 Wow, that sums up Borderline to me more than anything i have ever read. I too am 29 and have spent my entire life taking care of my mom and the part about her " needing " to know why you are angry is just her selfishness. I too feel like i hate my mom, not just the borderline disorder. Is there any way to get out of taking care of her? This last suicidal go around i was able to pawn my mom off on my aunts and let them take a stab at dealing with her. If you have no one to go to, you may have to get out on your own and let what happens to your mom be your mom's responsibility. You are not responsible for your mom, it should have been the other way around. You are responsible for living your own life and being young and free. > > If you need to read something hopeful, please don't read this post. > > I don't want to drop my shit on anyone here, but I need someplace to go that isn't my own > head, but that still allows me to write. > > This isn't going to work ... we're going to lose the house. I brought my mother with me to > a new town when I got a new job and moved, and for the last year and a half she has > manipulated her way into being carried, financially, by me. > > When I drew a line and made her get a job, she threatened to kill herself. > > Every time I've tried to set a budget, she's thrown a huge tantrum. And demands credit for > the cooking and the cleaning she's done, as if that has any bearing whatsoever on the > finances. > > She's manipulated the math SO badly -- and this is what makes me the angriest, because I > never feel I know what my own expenses are -- that I have spent the last year and a half > bailing her out. She's even taken the bills into her room, as if she's paid them, and I only > find out later that the bill in my name has gone into collection. > > And then, when she feels this God damned, pointless, childish, emotional need to nest, > she goes out and spends $500 on groceries we don't need, or sweaters, or other " comfort > purchases. " When I call her on this, when I get angry or sad or frustrated, and she sees it, > she wants to know what's wrong. Demands to know, since I won't tell her, because I know > what will come of it, until eventually she finds me and hounds me and breaks down doors > or whathaveyou, because she NEEDS to know what's wrong. > > She NEEDS to know what's wrong because she needs to tell me how stupid it is, how > dramatic I am ... she needs to know what's wrong so she can defend against it by > browbeating me into a submissive state. > > I am filled with so much hatred toward the world right now I can feel it in my throat ... the > scream I want to let out, the anger that is making my heart race. I hate her. I hate my own > mother. I have put my life on hold for several years now to help her, and it's done nothing > ... becase I know now that I can't help her. She'll only live off of my energy and my money > and my life until I'm older and wondering what the hell I did with my young adult years. > > I want to cry, but I cant cry. I hate that she is a worthless slug of a mother who expects me > to carry her. I dont care that she's sick. I hate her. She's been to counseling before and > given up. And I hate her for giving up. I hate her for not giving a shit about me. > > We're going to lose this house. We're going to lose this house because starting next > month, I am no longer going to pay more than my fair share of the bills and the rent. I > have taken over the bills and have given her the rent as her sole financial responsibility > every month -- and I will give her my portion of the rent, minus half of whatever I've paid > for the bills. From now on, if she doesnt take care of the rent, it doest get paid, we default > until we get evicted. > > Or maybe I can just go to the landlord and tell him this isn't working. We can't afford the > rent anymore. I dont know. > > I can't do this anymore. > > Her back is bad, but she'll have to go to an assisted living facility. I cant do this. > > I want to kick a hole in the sky. What the fuck kind of point does BPD serve, in the context > of our evolutionary survival? What kind of a cruel fucking trick is this? > > I've tried so hard, spent years of my life doing what I thought a good daughter would do ... > I've been mymother's crutch my entire life, and only a year ago, I come across the concept > of BPD. But at this point ... great. Pointless fucking human condition. What a sad sack of > shit this all is. > > I no longer think life is beautiful, or good, or fair and just. > > I just want to punch things and scream and curse God and myself and this whole rotten > shit stinking planet of mindfucked, abused women who turn on their own babies. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2007 Report Share Posted September 29, 2007 Get out of that situation and don't look back. It doesn't have to be NC, but all the same, you shouldn't be living with her. I know you've lost your life to this woman, but, God willing you are just starting out in life... it is your choice. MD > > > > If you need to read something hopeful, please don't read this post. > > > > I don't want to drop my shit on anyone here, but I need someplace > to go that isn't my own > > head, but that still allows me to write. > > > > This isn't going to work ... we're going to lose the house. I > brought my mother with me to > > a new town when I got a new job and moved, and for the last year > and a half she has > > manipulated her way into being carried, financially, by me. > > > > When I drew a line and made her get a job, she threatened to kill > herself. > > > > Every time I've tried to set a budget, she's thrown a huge tantrum. > And demands credit for > > the cooking and the cleaning she's done, as if that has any bearing > whatsoever on the > > finances. > > > > She's manipulated the math SO badly -- and this is what makes me > the angriest, because I > > never feel I know what my own expenses are -- that I have spent the > last year and a half > > bailing her out. She's even taken the bills into her room, as if > she's paid them, and I only > > find out later that the bill in my name has gone into collection. > > > > And then, when she feels this God damned, pointless, childish, > emotional need to nest, > > she goes out and spends $500 on groceries we don't need, or > sweaters, or other " comfort > > purchases. " When I call her on this, when I get angry or sad or > frustrated, and she sees it, > > she wants to know what's wrong. Demands to know, since I won't tell > her, because I know > > what will come of it, until eventually she finds me and hounds me > and breaks down doors > > or whathaveyou, because she NEEDS to know what's wrong. > > > > She NEEDS to know what's wrong because she needs to tell me how > stupid it is, how > > dramatic I am ... she needs to know what's wrong so she can defend > against it by > > browbeating me into a submissive state. > > > > I am filled with so much hatred toward the world right now I can > feel it in my throat ... the > > scream I want to let out, the anger that is making my heart race. I > hate her. I hate my own > > mother. I have put my life on hold for several years now to help > her, and it's done nothing > > ... becase I know now that I can't help her. She'll only live off > of my energy and my money > > and my life until I'm older and wondering what the hell I did with > my young adult years. > > > > I want to cry, but I cant cry. I hate that she is a worthless slug > of a mother who expects me > > to carry her. I dont care that she's sick. I hate her. She's been > to counseling before and > > given up. And I hate her for giving up. I hate her for not giving a > shit about me. > > > > We're going to lose this house. We're going to lose this house > because starting next > > month, I am no longer going to pay more than my fair share of the > bills and the rent. I > > have taken over the bills and have given her the rent as her sole > financial responsibility > > every month -- and I will give her my portion of the rent, minus > half of whatever I've paid > > for the bills. From now on, if she doesnt take care of the rent, it > doest get paid, we default > > until we get evicted. > > > > Or maybe I can just go to the landlord and tell him this isn't > working. We can't afford the > > rent anymore. I dont know. > > > > I can't do this anymore. > > > > Her back is bad, but she'll have to go to an assisted living > facility. I cant do this. > > > > I want to kick a hole in the sky. What the fuck kind of point does > BPD serve, in the context > > of our evolutionary survival? What kind of a cruel fucking trick is > this? > > > > I've tried so hard, spent years of my life doing what I thought a > good daughter would do ... > > I've been mymother's crutch my entire life, and only a year ago, I > come across the concept > > of BPD. But at this point ... great. Pointless fucking human > condition. What a sad sack of > > shit this all is. > > > > I no longer think life is beautiful, or good, or fair and just. > > > > I just want to punch things and scream and curse God and myself and > this whole rotten > > shit stinking planet of mindfucked, abused women who turn on their > own babies. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2007 Report Share Posted September 29, 2007 > > If you need to read something hopeful, please don't read this post. > > I don't want to drop my shit on anyone here, but I need someplace to go that isn't my own > head, but that still allows me to write. > > This isn't going to work ... we're going to lose the house. I brought my mother with me to > a new town when I got a new job and moved, and for the last year and a half she has > manipulated her way into being carried, financially, by me. > > When I drew a line and made her get a job, she threatened to kill herself. > > Every time I've tried to set a budget, she's thrown a huge tantrum. And demands credit for > the cooking and the cleaning she's done, as if that has any bearing whatsoever on the > finances. > > She's manipulated the math SO badly -- and this is what makes me the angriest, because I > never feel I know what my own expenses are -- that I have spent the last year and a half > bailing her out. She's even taken the bills into her room, as if she's paid them, and I only > find out later that the bill in my name has gone into collection. > > And then, when she feels this God damned, pointless, childish, emotional need to nest, > she goes out and spends $500 on groceries we don't need, or sweaters, or other " comfort > purchases. " When I call her on this, when I get angry or sad or frustrated, and she sees it, > she wants to know what's wrong. Demands to know, since I won't tell her, because I know > what will come of it, until eventually she finds me and hounds me and breaks down doors > or whathaveyou, because she NEEDS to know what's wrong. > > She NEEDS to know what's wrong because she needs to tell me how stupid it is, how > dramatic I am ... she needs to know what's wrong so she can defend against it by > browbeating me into a submissive state. > > I am filled with so much hatred toward the world right now I can feel it in my throat ... the > scream I want to let out, the anger that is making my heart race. I hate her. I hate my own > mother. I have put my life on hold for several years now to help her, and it's done nothing > ... becase I know now that I can't help her. She'll only live off of my energy and my money > and my life until I'm older and wondering what the hell I did with my young adult years. > > I want to cry, but I cant cry. I hate that she is a worthless slug of a mother who expects me > to carry her. I dont care that she's sick. I hate her. She's been to counseling before and > given up. And I hate her for giving up. I hate her for not giving a shit about me. > > We're going to lose this house. We're going to lose this house because starting next > month, I am no longer going to pay more than my fair share of the bills and the rent. I > have taken over the bills and have given her the rent as her sole financial responsibility > every month -- and I will give her my portion of the rent, minus half of whatever I've paid > for the bills. From now on, if she doesnt take care of the rent, it doest get paid, we default > until we get evicted. > > Or maybe I can just go to the landlord and tell him this isn't working. We can't afford the > rent anymore. I dont know. > > I can't do this anymore. > > Her back is bad, but she'll have to go to an assisted living facility. I cant do this. > > I want to kick a hole in the sky. What the fuck kind of point does BPD serve, in the context > of our evolutionary survival? What kind of a cruel fucking trick is this? > > I've tried so hard, spent years of my life doing what I thought a good daughter would do .... > I've been mymother's crutch my entire life, and only a year ago, I come across the concept > of BPD. But at this point ... great. Pointless fucking human condition. What a sad sack of > shit this all is. > > I no longer think life is beautiful, or good, or fair and just. > > I just want to punch things and scream and curse God and myself and this whole rotten > shit stinking planet of mindfucked, abused women who turn on their own babies. As someone who has also been through the same shit with my own mther, the best advise i can give would be for you to look after your own sanity. You are a grown adult and so is she. Get out of that living situation as quickly as possible and move away as far away as possible. She has to be responsible for herself. This is not nor has it ever been your job, but as children I think we feel a certain sense of obligation. Get out now. Save yourself. Do not feel guilty for loving yourself. She is sick. good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 30, 2007 Report Share Posted September 30, 2007 Believe it or not, where you are is a GOOD place. Now you can go forward with YOUR life and let your nada live her own. To me the greatest thing about being an adult is that now I can make my own decisions and not let my parents decide how it's going to be. I know this may sound easy, but it is the last thing from easy, but worth all the work you put into it. I think it is called toughlove. Live has been difficult at times, but i am moving on with my life and you can too. You don't deserve this bitter pill, but it doesn't have to be this way, but you have to take the control back. Life sucks at times, there is hope and you can get there. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 30, 2007 Report Share Posted September 30, 2007 Get Out; get away from her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Protect yourself - she's certainly not going to. Your deserve to be free from the mental torment she's inflicted upon u. good luck. ************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 30, 2007 Report Share Posted September 30, 2007 I will just add my voice to the chorus - get out and save yourself! You have no responsibility to let your own life spiral out of control because of your mother's choices. I really thought your post was beautifully written - I have felt similar intense anger, particularly over my nada's financial patterns which sound so close to your mother's, right down to the nesting - I loved your description of that. I spent so many years feeling hopeless and lying awake at night calculating how much I would have to earn to fix all of my parents' financial problems. In my late twenties, I was still giving huge chunks of my salary to my parents because with the " math manipulation " you describe - they had convinced me that i owed them so much. With a lot of work from my therapist, I finally broke free and realized that it was not normal for me to spend all my time and money taking on my parents' problems. Sometiems I do feel a twinge of guilt, but most of the time not - they have found other victims now. I wish you the best of luck - please do keep us posted. Sara > > If you need to read something hopeful, please don't read this post. > > I don't want to drop my shit on anyone here, but I need someplace to go that isn't my own > head, but that still allows me to write. > > This isn't going to work ... we're going to lose the house. I brought my mother with me to > a new town when I got a new job and moved, and for the last year and a half she has > manipulated her way into being carried, financially, by me. > > When I drew a line and made her get a job, she threatened to kill herself. > > Every time I've tried to set a budget, she's thrown a huge tantrum. And demands credit for > the cooking and the cleaning she's done, as if that has any bearing whatsoever on the > finances. > > She's manipulated the math SO badly -- and this is what makes me the angriest, because I > never feel I know what my own expenses are -- that I have spent the last year and a half > bailing her out. She's even taken the bills into her room, as if she's paid them, and I only > find out later that the bill in my name has gone into collection. > > And then, when she feels this God damned, pointless, childish, emotional need to nest, > she goes out and spends $500 on groceries we don't need, or sweaters, or other " comfort > purchases. " When I call her on this, when I get angry or sad or frustrated, and she sees it, > she wants to know what's wrong. Demands to know, since I won't tell her, because I know > what will come of it, until eventually she finds me and hounds me and breaks down doors > or whathaveyou, because she NEEDS to know what's wrong. > > She NEEDS to know what's wrong because she needs to tell me how stupid it is, how > dramatic I am ... she needs to know what's wrong so she can defend against it by > browbeating me into a submissive state. > > I am filled with so much hatred toward the world right now I can feel it in my throat ... the > scream I want to let out, the anger that is making my heart race. I hate her. I hate my own > mother. I have put my life on hold for several years now to help her, and it's done nothing > ... becase I know now that I can't help her. She'll only live off of my energy and my money > and my life until I'm older and wondering what the hell I did with my young adult years. > > I want to cry, but I cant cry. I hate that she is a worthless slug of a mother who expects me > to carry her. I dont care that she's sick. I hate her. She's been to counseling before and > given up. And I hate her for giving up. I hate her for not giving a shit about me. > > We're going to lose this house. We're going to lose this house because starting next > month, I am no longer going to pay more than my fair share of the bills and the rent. I > have taken over the bills and have given her the rent as her sole financial responsibility > every month -- and I will give her my portion of the rent, minus half of whatever I've paid > for the bills. From now on, if she doesnt take care of the rent, it doest get paid, we default > until we get evicted. > > Or maybe I can just go to the landlord and tell him this isn't working. We can't afford the > rent anymore. I dont know. > > I can't do this anymore. > > Her back is bad, but she'll have to go to an assisted living facility. I cant do this. > > I want to kick a hole in the sky. What the fuck kind of point does BPD serve, in the context > of our evolutionary survival? What kind of a cruel fucking trick is this? > > I've tried so hard, spent years of my life doing what I thought a good daughter would do ... > I've been mymother's crutch my entire life, and only a year ago, I come across the concept > of BPD. But at this point ... great. Pointless fucking human condition. What a sad sack of > shit this all is. > > I no longer think life is beautiful, or good, or fair and just. > > I just want to punch things and scream and curse God and myself and this whole rotten > shit stinking planet of mindfucked, abused women who turn on their own babies. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2007 Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 I agree -- Get Out. Now you have identified what this is doing to you. You have identified that she is the variable you can't control, and she doesn't want to be a team player. If you remain in this horribly draining (if you're " angry at the world " because of it, that's the best indicator) situation after seeing it clearly, then it's your choice. Remaining in this misery is optional. Take your option to save yourself. Let her start living her own life. She'll never call you her hero or think you're wonderful -- she'll just suck the life right out of you, such that her dysfunction claims TWO lives instead of just one. You're not responsible for what she chooses to do after you cut ties with her. SHE IS. -Kyla > > > > > > If you need to read something hopeful, please don't read this post. > > > > > > I don't want to drop my shit on anyone here, but I need someplace > > to go that isn't my own > > > head, but that still allows me to write. > > > > > > This isn't going to work ... we're going to lose the house. I > > brought my mother with me to > > > a new town when I got a new job and moved, and for the last year > > and a half she has > > > manipulated her way into being carried, financially, by me. > > > > > > When I drew a line and made her get a job, she threatened to kill > > herself. > > > > > > Every time I've tried to set a budget, she's thrown a huge tantrum. > > And demands credit for > > > the cooking and the cleaning she's done, as if that has any bearing > > whatsoever on the > > > finances. > > > > > > She's manipulated the math SO badly -- and this is what makes me > > the angriest, because I > > > never feel I know what my own expenses are -- that I have spent the > > last year and a half > > > bailing her out. She's even taken the bills into her room, as if > > she's paid them, and I only > > > find out later that the bill in my name has gone into collection. > > > > > > And then, when she feels this God damned, pointless, childish, > > emotional need to nest, > > > she goes out and spends $500 on groceries we don't need, or > > sweaters, or other " comfort > > > purchases. " When I call her on this, when I get angry or sad or > > frustrated, and she sees it, > > > she wants to know what's wrong. Demands to know, since I won't tell > > her, because I know > > > what will come of it, until eventually she finds me and hounds me > > and breaks down doors > > > or whathaveyou, because she NEEDS to know what's wrong. > > > > > > She NEEDS to know what's wrong because she needs to tell me how > > stupid it is, how > > > dramatic I am ... she needs to know what's wrong so she can defend > > against it by > > > browbeating me into a submissive state. > > > > > > I am filled with so much hatred toward the world right now I can > > feel it in my throat ... the > > > scream I want to let out, the anger that is making my heart race. I > > hate her. I hate my own > > > mother. I have put my life on hold for several years now to help > > her, and it's done nothing > > > ... becase I know now that I can't help her. She'll only live off > > of my energy and my money > > > and my life until I'm older and wondering what the hell I did with > > my young adult years. > > > > > > I want to cry, but I cant cry. I hate that she is a worthless slug > > of a mother who expects me > > > to carry her. I dont care that she's sick. I hate her. She's been > > to counseling before and > > > given up. And I hate her for giving up. I hate her for not giving a > > shit about me. > > > > > > We're going to lose this house. We're going to lose this house > > because starting next > > > month, I am no longer going to pay more than my fair share of the > > bills and the rent. I > > > have taken over the bills and have given her the rent as her sole > > financial responsibility > > > every month -- and I will give her my portion of the rent, minus > > half of whatever I've paid > > > for the bills. From now on, if she doesnt take care of the rent, it > > doest get paid, we default > > > until we get evicted. > > > > > > Or maybe I can just go to the landlord and tell him this isn't > > working. We can't afford the > > > rent anymore. I dont know. > > > > > > I can't do this anymore. > > > > > > Her back is bad, but she'll have to go to an assisted living > > facility. I cant do this. > > > > > > I want to kick a hole in the sky. What the fuck kind of point does > > BPD serve, in the context > > > of our evolutionary survival? What kind of a cruel fucking trick is > > this? > > > > > > I've tried so hard, spent years of my life doing what I thought a > > good daughter would do ... > > > I've been mymother's crutch my entire life, and only a year ago, I > > come across the concept > > > of BPD. But at this point ... great. Pointless fucking human > > condition. What a sad sack of > > > shit this all is. > > > > > > I no longer think life is beautiful, or good, or fair and just. > > > > > > I just want to punch things and scream and curse God and myself and > > this whole rotten > > > shit stinking planet of mindfucked, abused women who turn on their > > own babies. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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