Guest guest Posted October 2, 2007 Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 Those little " lies " are protecting your innermost vulnerabilities -- and BPDs are famous for exploiting that information once they have it. I think sometimes the lies can be very useful tools -- and in the instances you've listed in your post, they are a smart strategy to gain peace in your home. You don't have to account for what you tell a BPD -- and if a white lie works and keeps her off your back, I don't see the harm. I wouldn't bend over backwards explaining myself --and if she catches you in a " lie " , just say you were trying to spare feelings. As we've seen many times on this board, telling the absolute truth to a BPD as to why we don't want to go around them doesn't go over so well. If your mother is thrown off the scent by what you tell her and it saves you trouble, then good for you! As to my situation, I lie by omission mostly. Little stuff -- because I don't want her in my business. They live far enough away that it's not a problem. Since I have little contact with them, it doesn't come up much. But I certainly don't share feelings with my mother anymore -- I don't trust her with them. It leaves me too vulnerable. I used to tell her my friends' business, and she would make judgements and ask follow-up questions all the time -- as if she's privy to their private stuff, too. I finally learned to keep my trap shut about everything. You don't have tear open your life to her. You are allowed your privacy. And if you and your husband would like a nice, peaceful Thanksgiving, you have that right. -Kyla > > > Hi all, > > > > I've only posted a little bit, I've mostly been a lurker here but > > have really been helped by all of your questions and comments. > > I've got one issue I'd love to hear your feedback on. I'm by > > nature a very honest person but I find with my smother I feel I > > have to lie all the time to keep the peace and my sanity. There > > are lies about my feelings, - I'd learned from times when I am > > frank with her about how I feel that she'd held my opinons over my > > head for YEARS (how cruel, unfeeling, etc. I am). Other lies are > > about what or how I'm doing. I find since she doesn't listen to > > anything I say it's not worth telling her my troubles because I'll > > only be hurt when she totally igores me. Then there are the really > > big lies, like that we're visiting my in-laws for Thanksgiving when > > we're really home, because I don't want her to be with us then. > > The big ones are the hardest for me to stomach, but the alternative > > (having her around ruining our holidays) is worse. > > > > What do you all do for the holidays? Do you flat out tell them you > > don't want to spend it with them? Make excuses (aka lie)? And > > what about all the other little lies, is everyone doing this with > > their BPD parent or is it just me? > > > > Thanks > > > > LJ > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 I agree with everything Kyla said. She worded so much better than I could, because I am tired, but I thought I would add this short thought. I have been NC since June but before then I did lie to my nada to protect myself. I don't consider that a lie, just self defense. One of the many reasons I finally decided to go NC is because my whole conversations with my nada was just one big lie, so what is the point of pretending to have a relationship with her? deedee > > > > > Hi all, > > > > > > I've only posted a little bit, I've mostly been a lurker here > but > > > have really been helped by all of your questions and comments. > > > I've got one issue I'd love to hear your feedback on. I'm by > > > nature a very honest person but I find with my smother I feel I > > > have to lie all the time to keep the peace and my sanity. > There > > > are lies about my feelings, - I'd learned from times when I am > > > frank with her about how I feel that she'd held my opinons over > my > > > head for YEARS (how cruel, unfeeling, etc. I am). Other lies > are > > > about what or how I'm doing. I find since she doesn't listen > to > > > anything I say it's not worth telling her my troubles because > I'll > > > only be hurt when she totally igores me. Then there are the > really > > > big lies, like that we're visiting my in-laws for Thanksgiving > when > > > we're really home, because I don't want her to be with us > then. > > > The big ones are the hardest for me to stomach, but the > alternative > > > (having her around ruining our holidays) is worse. > > > > > > What do you all do for the holidays? Do you flat out tell them > you > > > don't want to spend it with them? Make excuses (aka lie)? And > > > what about all the other little lies, is everyone doing this > with > > > their BPD parent or is it just me? > > > > > > Thanks > > > > > > LJ > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 I agree with Kyla and with Deedee. These are lies to protect yourself. I used to have a hard time with the concept. I felt that I had no right to keep any feelings, plans, actions to myself - because my nada never allowed that. She would pore through my journals, eavesdrop, do whatever she had to to " keep an eye on me " because that is " what mothers do " . Gives me the shivers just thinking about it! Today, I love being with my year-old son, but I can see that even at his age he needs some privacy, some playtime without intrusion. I had a therapy session a few years back where I was talking about how much guilt i felt for having plans to leave my job and not having told my unreasonable, harassing boss about it (she was the reason I was leaving). And my therapist asked me " Why? Why do you not have the right to a personal life, to have thoughts and plans of your own? Why does no one else have to share their plans with you but you have to be totally transparent? " She said it more eloquently than this, but it really opened my eyes. My parents sure as hell aren't transparent with me. They have lied to me over and over again, particularly about finances and how much I owe them. As I have gone more and more LC, I lie a lot less because I am less frightened of letting them know that I will not put up with their behavior. But this is also because I've finally learned not to give them any information, as it will only be used against me. Sometimes when pressed to visit I lie and say we are too busy, or have too much with work. But I would really like to be able to tell the truth, and say that we are not visiting because it is no kind of a vacation to have someone spend a few days heaping abuse on my head. Sara > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > > > > > I've only posted a little bit, I've mostly been a lurker here > > but > > > > have really been helped by all of your questions and > comments. > > > > I've got one issue I'd love to hear your feedback on. I'm by > > > > nature a very honest person but I find with my smother I feel > I > > > > have to lie all the time to keep the peace and my sanity. > > There > > > > are lies about my feelings, - I'd learned from times when I am > > > > frank with her about how I feel that she'd held my opinons over > > my > > > > head for YEARS (how cruel, unfeeling, etc. I am). Other lies > > are > > > > about what or how I'm doing. I find since she doesn't listen > > to > > > > anything I say it's not worth telling her my troubles because > > I'll > > > > only be hurt when she totally igores me. Then there are the > > really > > > > big lies, like that we're visiting my in-laws for Thanksgiving > > when > > > > we're really home, because I don't want her to be with us > > then. > > > > The big ones are the hardest for me to stomach, but the > > alternative > > > > (having her around ruining our holidays) is worse. > > > > > > > > What do you all do for the holidays? Do you flat out tell them > > you > > > > don't want to spend it with them? Make excuses (aka lie)? > And > > > > what about all the other little lies, is everyone doing this > > with > > > > their BPD parent or is it just me? > > > > > > > > Thanks > > > > > > > > LJ > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 I do this too. It's very against my nature and makes me feel like crap. My nada is like a professional interragator which makes it very difficult to just avoid the things I'd rather not tell her. Over the past year I've attempted to stop almost all idle or intimate conversation. This has really pissed her off and I hear about it on a regular basis. She's says I'm so cold and distant. A couple of weeks ago I messed up and told her about a fight between my daughter and her best friend. When I hung up the phone I cried because I was so mad at myself for betraying my daughters trust. > > > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > > > > > > > I've only posted a little bit, I've mostly been a lurker > here > > > but > > > > > have really been helped by all of your questions and > > comments. > > > > > I've got one issue I'd love to hear your feedback on. I'm > by > > > > > nature a very honest person but I find with my smother I > feel > > I > > > > > have to lie all the time to keep the peace and my sanity. > > > There > > > > > are lies about my feelings, - I'd learned from times when I > am > > > > > frank with her about how I feel that she'd held my opinons > over > > > my > > > > > head for YEARS (how cruel, unfeeling, etc. I am). Other > lies > > > are > > > > > about what or how I'm doing. I find since she doesn't > listen > > > to > > > > > anything I say it's not worth telling her my troubles > because > > > I'll > > > > > only be hurt when she totally igores me. Then there are the > > > really > > > > > big lies, like that we're visiting my in-laws for > Thanksgiving > > > when > > > > > we're really home, because I don't want her to be with us > > > then. > > > > > The big ones are the hardest for me to stomach, but the > > > alternative > > > > > (having her around ruining our holidays) is worse. > > > > > > > > > > What do you all do for the holidays? Do you flat out tell > them > > > you > > > > > don't want to spend it with them? Make excuses (aka lie)? > > And > > > > > what about all the other little lies, is everyone doing this > > > with > > > > > their BPD parent or is it just me? > > > > > > > > > > Thanks > > > > > > > > > > LJ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 My husband and I are planning on lieing our asses off! Think of telling nada & fada we're going to his mother's house for X-mas (upstate). It's either that or just tell them we're staying home in our pj's all day. LL ************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 I've learned to become more comfortable with little white lies to protect myself through this forum. A lot of people here do it, and I feel it's helped support me in learning how to protect myself and try to do things that are comfortable for ME. After all, healing should be all about YOU, not your nada. Like I lie about where I'm going when I go for therapy because I don't want everyone to know where I'm going. Seeing that so many people in my position do little things like that too helps me know that I'm not a terrible person/liar just because I have extremely private things I want to keep to myself. The funny thing is that sometimes people prefer that you lie. One of my coworkers caught me reading a book related to separating from difficult families, and you could see how uncomfortable her face got when I told her the title. Then she asked, " That's not for you, right? " " oh, no. " When I lied, it actually seemed to make her feel better, plus I didn't have to expose anything I didn't want to. Sometimes people just don't want to even know the ugly truth of what life is like with someone with BP! Just remember that you are in a unique situation and sometimes the game rules on how to protect yourself and put yourself number one may be bent a little bit.... You've probably been so deeply violated by someone with BP anyways, that to put up a wall to protect yourself is actually the least you can do, and oftentimes least confrontational with someone who has mental illness... G. > > > > > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > > > > > > > > > I've only posted a little bit, I've mostly been a lurker > > here > > > > but > > > > > > have really been helped by all of your questions and > > > comments. > > > > > > I've got one issue I'd love to hear your feedback on. I'm > > by > > > > > > nature a very honest person but I find with my smother I > > feel > > > I > > > > > > have to lie all the time to keep the peace and my sanity. > > > > There > > > > > > are lies about my feelings, - I'd learned from times when I > > am > > > > > > frank with her about how I feel that she'd held my opinons > > over > > > > my > > > > > > head for YEARS (how cruel, unfeeling, etc. I am). Other > > lies > > > > are > > > > > > about what or how I'm doing. I find since she doesn't > > listen > > > > to > > > > > > anything I say it's not worth telling her my troubles > > because > > > > I'll > > > > > > only be hurt when she totally igores me. Then there are the > > > > really > > > > > > big lies, like that we're visiting my in-laws for > > Thanksgiving > > > > when > > > > > > we're really home, because I don't want her to be with us > > > > then. > > > > > > The big ones are the hardest for me to stomach, but the > > > > alternative > > > > > > (having her around ruining our holidays) is worse. > > > > > > > > > > > > What do you all do for the holidays? Do you flat out tell > > them > > > > you > > > > > > don't want to spend it with them? Make excuses (aka lie)? > > > And > > > > > > what about all the other little lies, is everyone doing this > > > > with > > > > > > their BPD parent or is it just me? > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks > > > > > > > > > > > > LJ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 3, 2007 Report Share Posted October 3, 2007 I understand. I spent a lot of time trying to avoid my mom. She was so damn persistent always asking me to come visit. My god. I didn't want to go. I'm not a fan of lies, but sometimes you just have to protect yourself from abusive people that want to harm and not help. There is no shame in lying for self-preservation. B genevieveheller wrote: I've learned to become more comfortable with little white lies to protect myself through this forum. A lot of people here do it, and I feel it's helped support me in learning how to protect myself and try to do things that are comfortable for ME. After all, healing should be all about YOU, not your nada. Like I lie about where I'm going when I go for therapy because I don't want everyone to know where I'm going. Seeing that so many people in my position do little things like that too helps me know that I'm not a terrible person/liar just because I have extremely private things I want to keep to myself. The funny thing is that sometimes people prefer that you lie. One of my coworkers caught me reading a book related to separating from difficult families, and you could see how uncomfortable her face got when I told her the title. Then she asked, " That's not for you, right? " " oh, no. " When I lied, it actually seemed to make her feel better, plus I didn't have to expose anything I didn't want to. Sometimes people just don't want to even know the ugly truth of what life is like with someone with BP! Just remember that you are in a unique situation and sometimes the game rules on how to protect yourself and put yourself number one may be bent a little bit.... You've probably been so deeply violated by someone with BP anyways, that to put up a wall to protect yourself is actually the least you can do, and oftentimes least confrontational with someone who has mental illness... G. > > > > > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > > > > > > > > > I've only posted a little bit, I've mostly been a lurker > > here > > > > but > > > > > > have really been helped by all of your questions and > > > comments. > > > > > > I've got one issue I'd love to hear your feedback on. I'm > > by > > > > > > nature a very honest person but I find with my smother I > > feel > > > I > > > > > > have to lie all the time to keep the peace and my sanity. > > > > There > > > > > > are lies about my feelings, - I'd learned from times when I > > am > > > > > > frank with her about how I feel that she'd held my opinons > > over > > > > my > > > > > > head for YEARS (how cruel, unfeeling, etc. I am). Other > > lies > > > > are > > > > > > about what or how I'm doing. I find since she doesn't > > listen > > > > to > > > > > > anything I say it's not worth telling her my troubles > > because > > > > I'll > > > > > > only be hurt when she totally igores me. Then there are the > > > > really > > > > > > big lies, like that we're visiting my in-laws for > > Thanksgiving > > > > when > > > > > > we're really home, because I don't want her to be with us > > > > then. > > > > > > The big ones are the hardest for me to stomach, but the > > > > alternative > > > > > > (having her around ruining our holidays) is worse. > > > > > > > > > > > > What do you all do for the holidays? Do you flat out tell > > them > > > > you > > > > > > don't want to spend it with them? Make excuses (aka lie)? > > > And > > > > > > what about all the other little lies, is everyone doing this > > > > with > > > > > > their BPD parent or is it just me? > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks > > > > > > > > > > > > LJ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- Got a little couch potato? Check out fun summer activities for kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 4, 2007 Report Share Posted October 4, 2007 Hi LJ, I agree with Kyla. (Hi Kyla!) I learned that, for me, it’s better to rarely (because I’m RC with my FOO) deal with their bad attitudes, false claims and misbehavior when it’s based on their own crazy misperceptions, than to have them stomp on, twist and shout all about something that I told them about myself. I had the entirely reasonable, loving, familial and human idea that it would be good to let my family know what’s going on in my life, on the assumption that they would care and be loving and supportive. Just one problem: THEY’RE NOT A FAMILY! They’re a collection is severely disturbed people who want to grind me to a pulp for their own use and satisfaction, just because they THINK they can because we share some of the same chromosomes! Sometimes, dealing with BPD is a matter of survival and thriving versus a living death of brainwashing, constant chaos, emotional disturbance, spiritual bankruptcy and physical abuse. I’ve made my choice and with the help of you and all the other posters here past and present, my life is better. One Non-BP Recovering Man --- kylaboo728 wrote: > Those little " lies " are protecting your > innermost vulnerabilities -- > and BPDs are famous for exploiting that > information once they have > it. I think sometimes the lies can be very > useful tools -- and in > the instances you've listed in your post, they > are a smart strategy > to gain peace in your home. > > You don't have to account for what you tell a > BPD -- and if a white > lie works and keeps her off your back, I don't > see the harm. > > I wouldn't bend over backwards explaining > myself --and if she > catches you in a " lie " , just say you were > trying to spare feelings. > > As we've seen many times on this board, telling > the absolute truth > to a BPD as to why we don't want to go around > them doesn't go over > so well. If your mother is thrown off the > scent by what you tell > her and it saves you trouble, then good for > you! > > As to my situation, I lie by omission mostly. > Little stuff -- > because I don't want her in my business. They > live far enough away > that it's not a problem. Since I have little > contact with them, it > doesn't come up much. > > But I certainly don't share feelings with my > mother anymore -- I > don't trust her with them. It leaves me too > vulnerable. I used to > tell her my friends' business, and she would > make judgements and ask > follow-up questions all the time -- as if she's > privy to their > private stuff, too. I finally learned to keep > my trap shut about > everything. > > You don't have tear open your life to her. You > are allowed your > privacy. And if you and your husband would > like a nice, peaceful > Thanksgiving, you have that right. > > -Kyla > > > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > > > I've only posted a little bit, I've mostly > been a lurker here > but > > > have really been helped by all of your > questions and comments. > > > I've got one issue I'd love to hear your > feedback on. I'm by > > > nature a very honest person but I find with > my smother I feel I > > > have to lie all the time to keep the peace > and my sanity. > There > > > are lies about my feelings, - I'd learned > from times when I am > > > frank with her about how I feel that she'd > held my opinons over > my > > > head for YEARS (how cruel, unfeeling, etc. > I am). Other lies > are > > > about what or how I'm doing. I find since > she doesn't listen > to > > > anything I say it's not worth telling her > my troubles because > I'll > > > only be hurt when she totally igores me. > Then there are the > really > > > big lies, like that we're visiting my > in-laws for Thanksgiving > when > > > we're really home, because I don't want her > to be with us > then. > > > The big ones are the hardest for me to > stomach, but the > alternative > > > (having her around ruining our holidays) is > worse. > > > > > > What do you all do for the holidays? Do > you flat out tell them > you > > > don't want to spend it with them? Make > excuses (aka lie)? And > > > what about all the other little lies, is > everyone doing this > with > > > their BPD parent or is it just me? > > > > > > Thanks > > > > > > LJ > > > > > > > > ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Boardwalk for $500? In 2007? Ha! Play Monopoly Here and Now (it's updated for today's economy) at Yahoo! Games. http://get.games.yahoo.com/proddesc?gamekey=monopolyherenow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 4, 2007 Report Share Posted October 4, 2007 I think as children of BPD, we're all a hyper-compassionate. I lie to perserve my sanity and to protect the feelings of nada (lying about why we can't visit or talk longer on the phone). We lie to keep things status-quo and because we like to please people, but the lies pack on more guilt. IMO, I think lying isn't the best way to handle issues, but lies that are told in self-preservation rather than malice are just a survival technique. I'm glad to know I " m not the only one that lies about things in life (and all the lies are around BPD). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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