A letter to my Mom

September 30, 2007

Hi:

May I suggest that you do NOT include anything about her having BPD. There are

many, many reasons why--see Stop Walking on Eggshells. She will focus on nothing

but that, be the victim, and dismiss anything you have to say.

I do not know your situation, nor have I read your entire letter. However, I

would urge you to think through your goals. Changing the way she thinks about

things and seeing your point of view is NOT going to happen. Seeing herself as

attacked and the " real victim here " is a distinct posibility. Just a thought.

Randi Kreger

_____________________________________________________________

I haven't seen my mom in a month because I am finally done with our

relationship the way it is. I've felt better than ever before while

we haven't been speaking. I know I can't make her change, but if she

wants to, I will support her. If she doesn't, I am ready to go LC or

NC permanently depending on how she responds to this letter I have

written. I welcome feedback on the letter as I have not sent it

yet. Any advice is welcome.

Dear Mom:

Over the last month, I have been doing a lot of research in to why

you act the way you do. I've always known that you had a chemical

imbalance, but I just didn't know exactly what it was. Recently, I

came across a lot of information on a condition called BPD,

Borderline Personality Disorder. Most of the behaviors that you

display are found in people with this disorder and for the first time

I understand why you behave the way that you do. This doesn't mean I

have chosen to accept your behavior. Quite to the contrary. I have

learned how destructive this type of behavior can be to the children

of parents with BPD and I have finally accepted that in order for me

to be healthy, if you continue to exhibit this type of behavior, I

cannot be around you, although I wish I could be.

I've realized that no matter how much I reassure you of your

insecurities, how much I tell you that I do not favor my mother-in-

law over you, how many times I ask you to respect me and my

decisions, I cannot make you believe or respect me. I am tired of

defending myself to you. Explaining why I've made the decisions I've

made and having you completely ignore or discredit me. I wish you

would take care of yourself and get back into therapy and back on

medication so I could be around you and you could be with your

grandchildren, but I know that I can't force you to do that, and the

only person who can help you to get better again, is you.

You did it once before when you went into therapy and went on

medication. You said to me that you had never seen life so clearly

and you had never been so calm before, but then you went off the

medication and reverted to your old behaviors. I always felt I could

deal with these behaviors because I was the only one they affected.

But now that my children are old enough to be influenced by you, I

can't ignore the danger this presents. Especially when my own mother

encourages her grandchild to believe that his father purposely hurt

him. How ludicrous.

The only positive thing I can say that came from the way you abused

me as a child and an adult is that it made me want to be a good

parent and do everything differently from the way you did it. When I

was young and would leave our house after you would physically and

verbally abuse me, my spirit in a shambles, I'd cross the street to

go to Nery's house. There I learned how to dream of being a good

parent like she was. That's why I enjoyed being there so much.

That's why I enjoyed taking care of her children so much. There

wasn't one day I didn't think of how I would treat my own children in

similar situations. There hasn't been one day I haven't dreamed of

being a good parent.

Now that I am finally refusing to accept your abuse any longer, I

feel like I am finally becoming the good parent I've always dreamed

I'd be. I have so much less stress now that you haven't been around

and that comes through in how I treat my own children. In turn,

they are less stressed and happier also. I just wish you would get

treatment again, so you could share in our lives.

Unfortunately, you always allowed yourself to get out of control

and " rage. " When I was young, and you smashed the porcelain doll

that I had given you against the wall, when you took my hair in your

hands and shook my entire body back and forth by my head, when you

would hit me and scream at me, when you lunged at me in the backyard

with a knife and scarred my hand…all of these actions are symptoms of

BPD.

Later in life when you threw me out of the house, when you would

scream at me on the phone after I had gotten an apartment of my own,

when you would scream at me and start crying in my own home because

we were arguing over something I had asked you a million times not to

do...BPD

The way you always tried to control me by not wanting me to do things

that you yourself had done whether it was traveling, going into the

city, etc.…BPD.

The way you loved me…smothering and oblivious to how your overbearing

affection made me feel…BPD.

The way you showered me with undeserving praise, so much so, that it

was embarrassing and damaging to me, all for the sake of making

yourself look like a super parent with a super child,… " BPD. " Keep in

mind that I am a teacher and I AM NOT A PRINCIPAL and you should not

tell your friends that I am.

The way that you are so paranoid that everyone is always trying to do

you wrong, BPD.

The way that you obsess over my mother-in-law…BPD.

The way that you refuse to respect my wishes to stop bringing toys

for my children into my house when I tell you that I cannot be

organized with all the clutter…BPD.

Your fear of being alone when you get older and being abandoned…BPD.

Your inability to hold down jobs for long periods of time…BPD.

(Lucky for you, you finally found a government job from which you

couldn't be fired. They just kept transferring you around.)

Your inability to make close friends…BPD. Sure you have a few

friends from thirty years ago, but these are people you are not close

with, nor do you see them on a regular basis. Sure you have friends

you just met from the senior center, but you do not confide in them

or share your emotions with them. You keep them at arms length. You

tell me not to tell your " close friend " where our vacation home is

because she knows someone in the area and it's none of her

business….BPD. You've lied to another friend and told her you don't

have your cell phone anymore and you even had another friend record

your cell phone message for you so your other friend doesn't think

you're lying… but you are…BPD.

I could go on and on, but I won't. I don't want to waste any more

time on something I have no control over. Only you have control over

your behavior. If you choose to change it by getting back in to

therapy…real therapy where you tell the therapist the TRUTH, and

where you get back on medication, then there is a place in our lives

for you. If not, I will always love you because you are my mother,

but I will not allow you to hurt my children the way you hurt me. I

will not allow you to turn them against me or their father. I will

not allow you to anger me the way you have, so much so, that I then

lash out. I do not want to be reduced to that level ever again. I

want to be healthy. I can't be healthy when I allow your BPD

behaviors to negatively influence me. I can't be healthy when there

are no boundaries between us.

You're probably thinking right now of how ungrateful I am for all the

things you did for me and all the things you gave me as a child, how

you worked three jobs to take care of us financially after Dad died,

and how you selflessly gave of your time to take care of your grand

children over the last six years. I have always appreciated these

things and I still do and I always will. I feel fortunate to have

had these things in my life. However, I no longer feel that I am

indebted to you. Mother's do these things for their children because

they love them, not as a way of making up for past and present abuses.

I know you divorced yourself from your family for fifteen years and I

hope you don't choose to do that to your daughter and your

grandchildren. Please let me know if you will go back into therapy

and together we can find a therapist who knows how to effectively

deal with this. Columbia has doctors that are experts in this

disorder, so that might be a good place to start.

Please remember that no matter what your decision is, I will always

love you, but if you choose not to get help, I can't be there for you

emotionally. I just hope you choose to get help.

October 2, 2007

Dear razled2:

I like that letter because in writing it, you got all of those toxic

feelings and thoughts out of you and were able to express yourself.

However, I wouldn't send it. Just keep it -- write others if you

need to! Writing is great therapy.

You can keep it for yourself to remind yourself in the future --

when you might start to waver and question why you went NC. It

looks like you've poured out all of the feelings inside you and

that's healthy. HOWEVER, I wouldn't send this letter to your

mother. Her BPD radar will ONLY see the parts that point out her

behavior, and the defense army will come out, thus blinding her to

the heart of the message.

Many on this board have tried or thought about sending letters -- it

seems entirely appropriate when we've finally had enough and are

turning away from them to preserve our mental health. It seems

logical that something like that should be announced, right?!!!

Well, unfortunately, not always.

These types of NC announcement letters, more often than not, cause

more uproar (with very little attempts by the other side to listen

and understand your point of view) and misunderstanding.

In my opinion -- and what I've done myself -- is to simply change

how I respond to them, based on my new viewpoint on how I'm going to

relate to my parents. It sounds like you're at that point now.

You've had an awakening and you're ready to start taking care of

yourself. GOOD!

Just start " announcing " it through your behavior. If you want No

Contact, then see that your behavior communicates that. You don't

contact them. You don't come running when they demand it, etc.

etc. You don't return calls, etc. (Only you know what situations

are covered in your personal situation.) Set boundaries, politely,

and enforce them constantly until they get the message. (Whether

they grouse or mutter, or complain about it is not your concern.)

If they demand answers as to why you've started to act different,

simply say politely, with an air of detachment: " I've changed, and

I'm not going to do that anymore. " Or your words to that effect.

(Again, this is what I've done). Don't overexplain yourself. Give

your answer and let the silence hang between you.

Politely decline events that are fraught with discord and

dysfunction. Keep smiling until your mouth bleeds -- again,

detached and polite, but firm.

When they dispatch other relatives or friends to get you to do their

bidding, politely thank them for their concern and get off the phone

or walk away......

When your BPD family member tries to tie you up on the

phone.......Get off the phone. Or don't answer.

I think you get the idea -- Just disappear into your own life and

mental health. Cut out that which emotionally drains and hurts you.

That will transmit the same basic message that's in your letter: " I

can no longer tolerate the abuse you heap on me and I cannot be in

this relationship anymore " . Your actions will speak the words for

you -- without the BPD getting the chance to silence you.

When pressed for why you've " disappeared " ? -- In my case, I finally

stated my new " mission statement " . What I did with my Dad was

say " I'm not responsible for her misery. I'm not the reason she's

miserable -- she has never in her whole life been able to tolerate

adversity. This is nothing new. She needs help to regain

perspective. "

Brief, but to the point, and I didn't need to say anymore. (My dad

went ballistic, by the way. Called me names and told me not to

contact him anymore. Their fragile, dysfunctional system was

threatened and look what steps he took to defend it! Didn't even

listen to me! Even though he KNEW I was right about my mother!)

The point is: When I first decided to go NC, I just disappeared.

When Dad tried to get my attention and yank the leash -- I gave a

brief summation that I am not responsible for the miseries of my

mother. He didn't take it well -- which tells me that a letter

would have just started World War Three. My new " behavior "

continues to this day, and continues to send the same message I

would have written in a letter: " I'm an adult now, and I don't want

that dysfunction in my life, nor am I obligated to accept

mistreatment and manipulation from you. "

That was it.

That's my 2 cents' worth on the subject -- maybe something in my

experience can help you.

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> Hi:

>

> May I suggest that you do NOT include anything about her having

BPD. There are many, many reasons why--see Stop Walking on

Eggshells. She will focus on nothing but that, be the victim, and

dismiss anything you have to say.

>

> I do not know your situation, nor have I read your entire letter.

However, I would urge you to think through your goals. Changing the

way she thinks about things and seeing your point of view is NOT

going to happen. Seeing herself as attacked and the " real victim

here " is a distinct posibility. Just a thought.

>

> Randi Kreger

> _____________________________________________________________

>

> I haven't seen my mom in a month because I am finally done with our

> relationship the way it is. I've felt better than ever before

while

> we haven't been speaking. I know I can't make her change, but if

she

> wants to, I will support her. If she doesn't, I am ready to go LC

or

> NC permanently depending on how she responds to this letter I have

> written. I welcome feedback on the letter as I have not sent it

> yet. Any advice is welcome.

>

> Dear Mom:

>

> Over the last month, I have been doing a lot of research in to why

> you act the way you do. I've always known that you had a chemical

> imbalance, but I just didn't know exactly what it was. Recently, I

> came across a lot of information on a condition called BPD,

> Borderline Personality Disorder. Most of the behaviors that you

> display are found in people with this disorder and for the first

time

> I understand why you behave the way that you do. This doesn't

mean I

> have chosen to accept your behavior. Quite to the contrary. I

have

> learned how destructive this type of behavior can be to the

children

> of parents with BPD and I have finally accepted that in order for

me

> to be healthy, if you continue to exhibit this type of behavior, I

> cannot be around you, although I wish I could be.

>

> I've realized that no matter how much I reassure you of your

> insecurities, how much I tell you that I do not favor my mother-in-

> law over you, how many times I ask you to respect me and my

> decisions, I cannot make you believe or respect me. I am tired of

> defending myself to you. Explaining why I've made the decisions

I've

> made and having you completely ignore or discredit me. I wish you

> would take care of yourself and get back into therapy and back on

> medication so I could be around you and you could be with your

> grandchildren, but I know that I can't force you to do that, and

the

> only person who can help you to get better again, is you.

>

> You did it once before when you went into therapy and went on

> medication. You said to me that you had never seen life so clearly

> and you had never been so calm before, but then you went off the

> medication and reverted to your old behaviors. I always felt I

could

> deal with these behaviors because I was the only one they affected.

> But now that my children are old enough to be influenced by you, I

> can't ignore the danger this presents. Especially when my own

mother

> encourages her grandchild to believe that his father purposely hurt

> him. How ludicrous.

>

> The only positive thing I can say that came from the way you abused

> me as a child and an adult is that it made me want to be a good

> parent and do everything differently from the way you did it.

When I

> was young and would leave our house after you would physically and

> verbally abuse me, my spirit in a shambles, I'd cross the street to

> go to Nery's house. There I learned how to dream of being a good

> parent like she was. That's why I enjoyed being there so much.

> That's why I enjoyed taking care of her children so much. There

> wasn't one day I didn't think of how I would treat my own children

in

> similar situations. There hasn't been one day I haven't dreamed of

> being a good parent.

>

> Now that I am finally refusing to accept your abuse any longer, I

> feel like I am finally becoming the good parent I've always dreamed

> I'd be. I have so much less stress now that you haven't been

around

> and that comes through in how I treat my own children. In turn,

> they are less stressed and happier also. I just wish you would get

> treatment again, so you could share in our lives.

>

> Unfortunately, you always allowed yourself to get out of control

> and " rage. " When I was young, and you smashed the porcelain doll

> that I had given you against the wall, when you took my hair in

your

> hands and shook my entire body back and forth by my head, when you

> would hit me and scream at me, when you lunged at me in the

backyard

> with a knife and scarred my hand…all of these actions are symptoms

of

> BPD.

>

> Later in life when you threw me out of the house, when you would

> scream at me on the phone after I had gotten an apartment of my

own,

> when you would scream at me and start crying in my own home because

> we were arguing over something I had asked you a million times not

to

> do...BPD

>

> The way you always tried to control me by not wanting me to do

things

> that you yourself had done whether it was traveling, going into the

> city, etc.…BPD.

>

> The way you loved me…smothering and oblivious to how your

overbearing

> affection made me feel…BPD.

>

> The way you showered me with undeserving praise, so much so, that

it

> was embarrassing and damaging to me, all for the sake of making

> yourself look like a super parent with a super child,… " BPD. " Keep

in

> mind that I am a teacher and I AM NOT A PRINCIPAL and you should

not

> tell your friends that I am.

>

> The way that you are so paranoid that everyone is always trying to

do

> you wrong, BPD.

>

> The way that you obsess over my mother-in-law…BPD.

>

> The way that you refuse to respect my wishes to stop bringing toys

> for my children into my house when I tell you that I cannot be

> organized with all the clutter…BPD.

>

> Your fear of being alone when you get older and being abandoned…

BPD.

>

> Your inability to hold down jobs for long periods of time…BPD.

> (Lucky for you, you finally found a government job from which you

> couldn't be fired. They just kept transferring you around.)

>

> Your inability to make close friends…BPD. Sure you have a few

> friends from thirty years ago, but these are people you are not

close

> with, nor do you see them on a regular basis. Sure you have

friends

> you just met from the senior center, but you do not confide in them

> or share your emotions with them. You keep them at arms length.

You

> tell me not to tell your " close friend " where our vacation home is

> because she knows someone in the area and it's none of her

> business….BPD. You've lied to another friend and told her you

don't

> have your cell phone anymore and you even had another friend record

> your cell phone message for you so your other friend doesn't think

> you're lying… but you are…BPD.

>

> I could go on and on, but I won't. I don't want to waste any more

> time on something I have no control over. Only you have control

over

> your behavior. If you choose to change it by getting back in to

> therapy…real therapy where you tell the therapist the TRUTH, and

> where you get back on medication, then there is a place in our

lives

> for you. If not, I will always love you because you are my mother,

> but I will not allow you to hurt my children the way you hurt me.

I

> will not allow you to turn them against me or their father. I will

> not allow you to anger me the way you have, so much so, that I then

> lash out. I do not want to be reduced to that level ever again. I

> want to be healthy. I can't be healthy when I allow your BPD

> behaviors to negatively influence me. I can't be healthy when

there

> are no boundaries between us.

>

> You're probably thinking right now of how ungrateful I am for all

the

> things you did for me and all the things you gave me as a child,

how

> you worked three jobs to take care of us financially after Dad

died,

> and how you selflessly gave of your time to take care of your grand

> children over the last six years. I have always appreciated these

> things and I still do and I always will. I feel fortunate to have

> had these things in my life. However, I no longer feel that I am

> indebted to you. Mother's do these things for their children

because

> they love them, not as a way of making up for past and present

abuses.

>

> I know you divorced yourself from your family for fifteen years

and I

> hope you don't choose to do that to your daughter and your

> grandchildren. Please let me know if you will go back into therapy

> and together we can find a therapist who knows how to effectively

> deal with this. Columbia has doctors that are experts in this

> disorder, so that might be a good place to start.

>

> Please remember that no matter what your decision is, I will always

> love you, but if you choose not to get help, I can't be there for

you

> emotionally. I just hope you choose to get help.

>

October 2, 2007

I think you should stick to a summary of the facts without being BPD

specific. Just outline some of her behavior problems and maybe say

one or two things like there was no need for you to beat on me that

hard, etc. Then in closing say something like " I don't deserve to be

treated as something less than human. " Remember this letter is for

you not her. She wont comprehend anything as having to do with her

bad behavior. Keep it a few paragraphs and no more than one page.

Randi is right if you diagnose thier BPD might give them an excuse

and to blame others more for not being tolerant enough. Or they will

just laugh it off. You cant change them you cant point out anything

they did wrong. All you can do is state your case and move on having

been the better for believeing you told it like it is.

I have been in the same exact situation with the same things you

describe down to the shaking and kitchen utensils, all of which she

vehemently denies to this day ....and i did originally write a letter

long as yours here. But decided her child like emotions wouldn't

comprehend such complexities as other peoples feelings and opinions.

OR even something simple as cause and effect. They see it as blah

blah blah and will even tell it to your face first chance they get.

Throwing all your validated statements in the trash.

In the end i shortened my letter way down kind of like a book review,

with the main object of cutting off the relationship and why - then

sent it to her and also forwarded copies to select members of her FOO

so it was documented the relationship is over. They off course blew

it off at the time and prpbably had a good laugh with nada over it.

But guess who they came running to when she overstayed her welcome

and things " got out of hand " .

You have to go into it with the attitude it's for your own peace of

mind and wont do her a damn bit of good. In fact it will cut her to

the quick and make her so miserale because she will be faced with

having to look at her own self which BPDs are terrified of. But thats

her problem and no longer yours. You will be liberated.

Tina

>

> Hi:

>

> May I suggest that you do NOT include anything about her having

BPD. There are many, many reasons why--see Stop Walking on Eggshells.

She will focus on nothing but that, be the victim, and dismiss

anything you have to say.

>

> I do not know your situation, nor have I read your entire letter.

However, I would urge you to think through your goals. Changing the

way she thinks about things and seeing your point of view is NOT

going to happen. Seeing herself as attacked and the " real victim

here " is a distinct posibility. Just a thought.

>

> Randi Kreger

> _____________________________________________________________

>

> I haven't seen my mom in a month because I am finally done with our

> relationship the way it is. I've felt better than ever before while

> we haven't been speaking. I know I can't make her change, but if

she

> wants to, I will support her. If she doesn't, I am ready to go LC

or

> NC permanently depending on how she responds to this letter I have

> written. I welcome feedback on the letter as I have not sent it

> yet. Any advice is welcome.

>

> Dear Mom:

>

> Over the last month, I have been doing a lot of research in to why

> you act the way you do. I've always known that you had a chemical

> imbalance, but I just didn't know exactly what it was. Recently, I

> came across a lot of information on a condition called BPD,

> Borderline Personality Disorder. Most of the behaviors that you

> display are found in people with this disorder and for the first

time

> I understand why you behave the way that you do. This doesn't mean

I

> have chosen to accept your behavior. Quite to the contrary. I have

> learned how destructive this type of behavior can be to the children

> of parents with BPD and I have finally accepted that in order for me

> to be healthy, if you continue to exhibit this type of behavior, I

> cannot be around you, although I wish I could be.

>

> I've realized that no matter how much I reassure you of your

> insecurities, how much I tell you that I do not favor my mother-in-

> law over you, how many times I ask you to respect me and my

> decisions, I cannot make you believe or respect me. I am tired of

> defending myself to you. Explaining why I've made the decisions

I've

> made and having you completely ignore or discredit me. I wish you

> would take care of yourself and get back into therapy and back on

> medication so I could be around you and you could be with your

> grandchildren, but I know that I can't force you to do that, and the

> only person who can help you to get better again, is you.

>

> You did it once before when you went into therapy and went on

> medication. You said to me that you had never seen life so clearly

> and you had never been so calm before, but then you went off the

> medication and reverted to your old behaviors. I always felt I

could

> deal with these behaviors because I was the only one they affected.

> But now that my children are old enough to be influenced by you, I

> can't ignore the danger this presents. Especially when my own

mother

> encourages her grandchild to believe that his father purposely hurt

> him. How ludicrous.

>

> The only positive thing I can say that came from the way you abused

> me as a child and an adult is that it made me want to be a good

> parent and do everything differently from the way you did it. When

I

> was young and would leave our house after you would physically and

> verbally abuse me, my spirit in a shambles, I'd cross the street to

> go to Nery's house. There I learned how to dream of being a good

> parent like she was. That's why I enjoyed being there so much.

> That's why I enjoyed taking care of her children so much. There

> wasn't one day I didn't think of how I would treat my own children

in

> similar situations. There hasn't been one day I haven't dreamed of

> being a good parent.

>

> Now that I am finally refusing to accept your abuse any longer, I

> feel like I am finally becoming the good parent I've always dreamed

> I'd be. I have so much less stress now that you haven't been around

> and that comes through in how I treat my own children. In turn,

> they are less stressed and happier also. I just wish you would get

> treatment again, so you could share in our lives.

>

> Unfortunately, you always allowed yourself to get out of control

> and " rage. " When I was young, and you smashed the porcelain doll

> that I had given you against the wall, when you took my hair in your

> hands and shook my entire body back and forth by my head, when you

> would hit me and scream at me, when you lunged at me in the backyard

> with a knife and scarred my hand…all of these actions are symptoms

of

> BPD.

>

> Later in life when you threw me out of the house, when you would

> scream at me on the phone after I had gotten an apartment of my own,

> when you would scream at me and start crying in my own home because

> we were arguing over something I had asked you a million times not

to

> do...BPD

>

> The way you always tried to control me by not wanting me to do

things

> that you yourself had done whether it was traveling, going into the

> city, etc.…BPD.

>

> The way you loved me…smothering and oblivious to how your

overbearing

> affection made me feel…BPD.

>

> The way you showered me with undeserving praise, so much so, that it

> was embarrassing and damaging to me, all for the sake of making

> yourself look like a super parent with a super child,… " BPD. " Keep

in

> mind that I am a teacher and I AM NOT A PRINCIPAL and you should not

> tell your friends that I am.

>

> The way that you are so paranoid that everyone is always trying to

do

> you wrong, BPD.

>

> The way that you obsess over my mother-in-law…BPD.

>

> The way that you refuse to respect my wishes to stop bringing toys

> for my children into my house when I tell you that I cannot be

> organized with all the clutter…BPD.

>

> Your fear of being alone when you get older and being abandoned…BPD.

>

> Your inability to hold down jobs for long periods of time…BPD.

> (Lucky for you, you finally found a government job from which you

> couldn't be fired. They just kept transferring you around.)

>

> Your inability to make close friends…BPD. Sure you have a few

> friends from thirty years ago, but these are people you are not

close

> with, nor do you see them on a regular basis. Sure you have friends

> you just met from the senior center, but you do not confide in them

> or share your emotions with them. You keep them at arms length.

You

> tell me not to tell your " close friend " where our vacation home is

> because she knows someone in the area and it's none of her

> business….BPD. You've lied to another friend and told her you don't

> have your cell phone anymore and you even had another friend record

> your cell phone message for you so your other friend doesn't think

> you're lying… but you are…BPD.

>

> I could go on and on, but I won't. I don't want to waste any more

> time on something I have no control over. Only you have control

over

> your behavior. If you choose to change it by getting back in to

> therapy…real therapy where you tell the therapist the TRUTH, and

> where you get back on medication, then there is a place in our lives

> for you. If not, I will always love you because you are my mother,

> but I will not allow you to hurt my children the way you hurt me. I

> will not allow you to turn them against me or their father. I will

> not allow you to anger me the way you have, so much so, that I then

> lash out. I do not want to be reduced to that level ever again. I

> want to be healthy. I can't be healthy when I allow your BPD

> behaviors to negatively influence me. I can't be healthy when there

> are no boundaries between us.

>

> You're probably thinking right now of how ungrateful I am for all

the

> things you did for me and all the things you gave me as a child, how

> you worked three jobs to take care of us financially after Dad died,

> and how you selflessly gave of your time to take care of your grand

> children over the last six years. I have always appreciated these

> things and I still do and I always will. I feel fortunate to have

> had these things in my life. However, I no longer feel that I am

> indebted to you. Mother's do these things for their children

because

> they love them, not as a way of making up for past and present

abuses.

>

> I know you divorced yourself from your family for fifteen years and

I

> hope you don't choose to do that to your daughter and your

> grandchildren. Please let me know if you will go back into therapy

> and together we can find a therapist who knows how to effectively

> deal with this. Columbia has doctors that are experts in this

> disorder, so that might be a good place to start.

>

> Please remember that no matter what your decision is, I will always

> love you, but if you choose not to get help, I can't be there for

you

> emotionally. I just hope you choose to get help.

>

October 3, 2007

P.S. Just to clarify a point on my original post that wasn't

clear: I first changed my behavior. Then, when my Dad pressed me

as to why I wasn't coming around and calling to comfort my

distraught mother, I DID write him a brief note (which was my new

mission statement from months earlier)......My note said " I'm not

responsible for her misery. She's acted this way her whole life --

she needs a professional to help her gain perspective. " I was

officially detaching myself -- and it was, in fact, in writing.

Of course, all hell broke loose, but they still knew I meant

business. Between my behavior change and that letter, I was a

different person. And it felt really good to send that letter. (e-

mail, actually!) It was my official declaration of adulthood -- at

44!

-Kyla

> >

> > Hi:

> >

> > May I suggest that you do NOT include anything about her having

> BPD. There are many, many reasons why--see Stop Walking on

> Eggshells. She will focus on nothing but that, be the victim, and

> dismiss anything you have to say.

> >

> > I do not know your situation, nor have I read your entire

letter.

> However, I would urge you to think through your goals. Changing

the

> way she thinks about things and seeing your point of view is NOT

> going to happen. Seeing herself as attacked and the " real victim

> here " is a distinct posibility. Just a thought.

> >

> > Randi Kreger

> > _____________________________________________________________

> >

> > I haven't seen my mom in a month because I am finally done with

our

> > relationship the way it is. I've felt better than ever before

> while

> > we haven't been speaking. I know I can't make her change, but

if

> she

> > wants to, I will support her. If she doesn't, I am ready to go

LC

> or

> > NC permanently depending on how she responds to this letter I

have

> > written. I welcome feedback on the letter as I have not sent it

> > yet. Any advice is welcome.

> >

> > Dear Mom:

> >

> > Over the last month, I have been doing a lot of research in to

why

> > you act the way you do. I've always known that you had a

chemical

> > imbalance, but I just didn't know exactly what it was.

Recently, I

> > came across a lot of information on a condition called BPD,

> > Borderline Personality Disorder. Most of the behaviors that you

> > display are found in people with this disorder and for the first

> time

> > I understand why you behave the way that you do. This doesn't

> mean I

> > have chosen to accept your behavior. Quite to the contrary. I

> have

> > learned how destructive this type of behavior can be to the

> children

> > of parents with BPD and I have finally accepted that in order

for

> me

> > to be healthy, if you continue to exhibit this type of behavior,

I

> > cannot be around you, although I wish I could be.

> >

> > I've realized that no matter how much I reassure you of your

> > insecurities, how much I tell you that I do not favor my mother-

in-

> > law over you, how many times I ask you to respect me and my

> > decisions, I cannot make you believe or respect me. I am tired

of

> > defending myself to you. Explaining why I've made the decisions

> I've

> > made and having you completely ignore or discredit me. I wish

you

> > would take care of yourself and get back into therapy and back on

> > medication so I could be around you and you could be with your

> > grandchildren, but I know that I can't force you to do that, and

> the

> > only person who can help you to get better again, is you.

> >

> > You did it once before when you went into therapy and went on

> > medication. You said to me that you had never seen life so

clearly

> > and you had never been so calm before, but then you went off the

> > medication and reverted to your old behaviors. I always felt I

> could

> > deal with these behaviors because I was the only one they

affected.

> > But now that my children are old enough to be influenced by you,

I

> > can't ignore the danger this presents. Especially when my own

> mother

> > encourages her grandchild to believe that his father purposely

hurt

> > him. How ludicrous.

> >

> > The only positive thing I can say that came from the way you

abused

> > me as a child and an adult is that it made me want to be a good

> > parent and do everything differently from the way you did it.

> When I

> > was young and would leave our house after you would physically

and

> > verbally abuse me, my spirit in a shambles, I'd cross the street

to

> > go to Nery's house. There I learned how to dream of being a good

> > parent like she was. That's why I enjoyed being there so much.

> > That's why I enjoyed taking care of her children so much. There

> > wasn't one day I didn't think of how I would treat my own

children

> in

> > similar situations. There hasn't been one day I haven't dreamed

of

> > being a good parent.

> >

> > Now that I am finally refusing to accept your abuse any longer, I

> > feel like I am finally becoming the good parent I've always

dreamed

> > I'd be. I have so much less stress now that you haven't been

> around

> > and that comes through in how I treat my own children. In turn,

> > they are less stressed and happier also. I just wish you would

get

> > treatment again, so you could share in our lives.

> >

> > Unfortunately, you always allowed yourself to get out of control

> > and " rage. " When I was young, and you smashed the porcelain doll

> > that I had given you against the wall, when you took my hair in

> your

> > hands and shook my entire body back and forth by my head, when

you

> > would hit me and scream at me, when you lunged at me in the

> backyard

> > with a knife and scarred my hand…all of these actions are

symptoms

> of

> > BPD.

> >

> > Later in life when you threw me out of the house, when you would

> > scream at me on the phone after I had gotten an apartment of my

> own,

> > when you would scream at me and start crying in my own home

because

> > we were arguing over something I had asked you a million times

not

> to

> > do...BPD

> >

> > The way you always tried to control me by not wanting me to do

> things

> > that you yourself had done whether it was traveling, going into

the

> > city, etc.…BPD.

> >

> > The way you loved me…smothering and oblivious to how your

> overbearing

> > affection made me feel…BPD.

> >

> > The way you showered me with undeserving praise, so much so,

that

> it

> > was embarrassing and damaging to me, all for the sake of making

> > yourself look like a super parent with a super child,… " BPD. "

Keep

> in

> > mind that I am a teacher and I AM NOT A PRINCIPAL and you should

> not

> > tell your friends that I am.

> >

> > The way that you are so paranoid that everyone is always trying

to

> do

> > you wrong, BPD.

> >

> > The way that you obsess over my mother-in-law…BPD.

> >

> > The way that you refuse to respect my wishes to stop bringing

toys

> > for my children into my house when I tell you that I cannot be

> > organized with all the clutter…BPD.

> >

> > Your fear of being alone when you get older and being abandoned…

> BPD.

> >

> > Your inability to hold down jobs for long periods of time…BPD.

> > (Lucky for you, you finally found a government job from which you

> > couldn't be fired. They just kept transferring you around.)

> >

> > Your inability to make close friends…BPD. Sure you have a few

> > friends from thirty years ago, but these are people you are not

> close

> > with, nor do you see them on a regular basis. Sure you have

> friends

> > you just met from the senior center, but you do not confide in

them

> > or share your emotions with them. You keep them at arms

length.

> You

> > tell me not to tell your " close friend " where our vacation home

is

> > because she knows someone in the area and it's none of her

> > business….BPD. You've lied to another friend and told her you

> don't

> > have your cell phone anymore and you even had another friend

record

> > your cell phone message for you so your other friend doesn't

think

> > you're lying… but you are…BPD.

> >

> > I could go on and on, but I won't. I don't want to waste any

more

> > time on something I have no control over. Only you have control

> over

> > your behavior. If you choose to change it by getting back in to

> > therapy…real therapy where you tell the therapist the TRUTH, and

> > where you get back on medication, then there is a place in our

> lives

> > for you. If not, I will always love you because you are my

mother,

> > but I will not allow you to hurt my children the way you hurt

me.

> I

> > will not allow you to turn them against me or their father. I

will

> > not allow you to anger me the way you have, so much so, that I

then

> > lash out. I do not want to be reduced to that level ever

again. I

> > want to be healthy. I can't be healthy when I allow your BPD

> > behaviors to negatively influence me. I can't be healthy when

> there

> > are no boundaries between us.

> >

> > You're probably thinking right now of how ungrateful I am for

all

> the

> > things you did for me and all the things you gave me as a child,

> how

> > you worked three jobs to take care of us financially after Dad

> died,

> > and how you selflessly gave of your time to take care of your

grand

> > children over the last six years. I have always appreciated

these

> > things and I still do and I always will. I feel fortunate to

have

> > had these things in my life. However, I no longer feel that I am

> > indebted to you. Mother's do these things for their children

> because

> > they love them, not as a way of making up for past and present

> abuses.

> >

> > I know you divorced yourself from your family for fifteen years

> and I

> > hope you don't choose to do that to your daughter and your

> > grandchildren. Please let me know if you will go back into

therapy

> > and together we can find a therapist who knows how to effectively

> > deal with this. Columbia has doctors that are experts in this

> > disorder, so that might be a good place to start.

> >

> > Please remember that no matter what your decision is, I will

always

> > love you, but if you choose not to get help, I can't be there

for

> you

> > emotionally. I just hope you choose to get help.

> >

>

October 3, 2007

One other thing, Don't give her anything in writing. at least with my

nada giving her a paper (e-mail or otherwise) is just ASKING for her

to save it and cherish it, to forward it to a huge list of people,

many of whom you don't even know, snipping and pasting her responses

to your outlandish accusations and generally using it as reinforcement

for her crucifix on which she loves to hang herself.

I wouldn't give her a letter for the same reason I wouldn't keep a

diary as a child, which is the same reason you don't give your enemies

bullets for Christmas. If you have something to say, say it out

loud...I recommend the phone because it's easier to leave the

conversation and she doesn't have the chance to throw herself in front

of the car as you try to drive away

my $0.02

Delta

>

> Hi:

>

> May I suggest that you do NOT include anything about her having BPD.

There are many, many reasons why--see Stop Walking on Eggshells. She

will focus on nothing but that, be the victim, and dismiss anything

you have to say.

>

October 3, 2007

I have a question for the group in regards to this. As i have stated

in previous posts, my mother recently attempted suicide as a result

of an intervention my sis and i had on her current and past behavior.

I will add that Borderline did not ever come up in the convo. We

basically gave her examples of the times she has crossed major

boundaries with us, her selfish behavior, and how we raised

ourselves while she was out doing whatever she wanted.

My mother never admitted we were right. She defended herself by

repeating how she was trying to protect us and she knows she did

everything right and we are all she has ever lived for.

My point is, these letters or confrontations are purely for the KO's.

Arent the end results all the same or am i wrong?

Do we not ever get validated no matter how eloquent the letter, or

the content?

I feel like whatever you want to say to cleanse yourself fine. if you

post your letter, i will read it and go " uh huh, thats right!, you go

woman/man " but i know the borderline won't take it well.

So why edit it ir give suggestions?

The only way to control the future is to control yourself and put

boundaries on the BPD: This is what i need, and you dont need to know

why.

Anyone else feel this way or am i wrong?