Guest guest Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 Greg, I'm glad you left early!! (Sorry about having to go back for the computer, though, bummer.) Reading your post, as soon as I heard " the Wiggles " I just thought.... uh-oh. I SO know those kind of moms that are so controlling they keep their kids whooshed off for stupid planned events even during a family visit. Like, they're doing it mostly just to prove a point about how hard they have it and how hard they work and how rushed they are, and they're putting on a big show of too-busy-to-relax-with-you, uggghhhh! And then all the rest of her behavior, all those fleas... it just sounds awful! I mean, I can sympathize as there are few things in life more exhausting than having a 1 year-old AND a 3 year-old... I could even cut slack on being out of groceries when you arrive, but to go food shopping and not return with the food??? That's just creepy. In fact, your sister-in-law sounds creepy (no offense!) -- and nada-like and I really hope that, as your nephews get older, you and your brother and your nephews will start taking guy-only vacations together (like camping and stuff.) Your nephews are lucky to have you in their lives -- my favorite uncle always was and is now a hugely important relationship for me, especially growing up with such a psycho nada, and he always made time for me and I always appreciated it. Sorry it went so badly -- and please get some rest! Shana Vent and Advice To: wtoadultchildren1 > Hi Everybody, > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, > angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The > visit with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. > And my brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful > time, but way too little of it. One thing that we love to do > together is watch a movie or two. Once the children were put to > bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and watch a movie. It > is such a special time for both of us, like this bonding time. > Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like there is > this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love you > and appreciate you. > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops > and such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My > brother's wife had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party > for one of my nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, > Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was > only going to be there for 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day > thing and my brother and I had sat. morning together to catch up > on nada and her breast cancer and the stories were so different, > it was like we were talking about two different people. nada is > such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of things > and that was great. > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell > him to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and > shorter, b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red > Flag. > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever > helps her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in > 3 years). She is from China and separated from her family. So > I sympathize with her. Our nada is no help except financially > to them. > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially > with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned > the bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home > and is very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my > brother brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is > asking, she just walked into the other room. That was the other > weird thing. When I have company/family visit, I buy groceries. > They didn't even have coffee. So the kids are hungry and their > is no routine. I expected that with the three year old there > would be a routine bed time and even with the one year old. > These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. Their > bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law > feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is > learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning > just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then > learn english. What the hell? It is > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but > when they fully don't speak the same language it just further > divides them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all > over the place b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At > times, I just sat back and looked at how the kids are > controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a year ago, at > their asking, I made a list of things to do to build consistancy > and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more but > my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. > Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was > fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th > anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get > groceries and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to > spend some time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. > She came back and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut > and for the money, could get a huge (it was already a huge > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the > diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here > is never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about > the love and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he > said, yeah, exactly. > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was > about college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards > to go to three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my > dad even paid my sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. > He never did that for me. My brother didn't have to work > growing up adn I did. So I see how much difference a college > degree can make and have been paying my own way. I left a day > early when his wife told me that my nada set up college funds > for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy > people putting money for college for my nephews. They are > incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever > college they want. And then she said to me, so how are you > doing with college, knowing that I don't have the money to > finish the last year and a half (and she had that sick smile > that my nada had). flea. I told her that she knew the answer > to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and left. But I left > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my > trip. So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned > into being awake for 38 hours. > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or > should I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to > supressed anger = I just had to get it out. > > Thanks for " listening " > > > Greg. > > > --------------------------------- > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 Greg, I hear you. My family is totally wealthy but yet I don't get money at critical times, which I don't think I'm entitled. I drive around in land rovers and am flown out to exotic places to vocation. Yet, when it comes to buying textbooks, I can't afford a $67.00 book. I'm working in the economics department at UT, I pay for just about every. This year my last year of school has been very different, I have no money and wouldn't ask for any from the foo, because of previous blackmail and unpleasant experiences. I took out a private loan from Citibank. I have poor credit, so I had a friend co-sign and it has been no problem. But it still makes me sad that they don't believe in me or will afford me that chance. I guess if its going to be its up to me. My heart is in knots for you Greg, I too feel forgotten and cheated. I don't know why they haven't offered you the opportunity to finish school (I don't know the dynamic of your families illness)? I would be pissed as hell. I feel for you, man. > > Hi Everybody, > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way too little of it. One thing that we love to do together is watch a movie or two. Once the children were put to bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and watch a movie. It is such a special time for both of us, like this bonding time. Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like there is this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love you and appreciate you. > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops and such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's wife had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there for 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had sat. morning together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer and the stories were so different, it was like we were talking about two different people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of things and that was great. > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell him to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and shorter, b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever helps her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 years). She is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize with her. Our nada is no help except financially to them. > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she just walked into the other room. That was the other weird thing. When I have company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have coffee. So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I expected that with the three year old there would be a routine bed time and even with the one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then learn english. What the hell? It is > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but when they fully don't speak the same language it just further divides them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the place b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat back and looked at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things to do to build consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get groceries and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to spend some time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. She came back and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut and for the money, could get a huge (it was already a huge > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the love and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, exactly. > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was about college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go to three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid my sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that for me. My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I see how much difference a college degree can make and have been paying my own way. I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada set up college funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy people putting money for college for my nephews. They are incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever college they want. And then she said to me, so how are you doing with college, knowing that I don't have the money to finish the last year and a half (and she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. I told her that she knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and left. But I left > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my trip. So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into being awake for 38 hours. > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or should I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to supressed anger = I just had to get it out. > > Thanks for " listening " > > > Greg. > > > --------------------------------- > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 Holy Cow (((((Greg))))) I think you needed that. Well I can really Empathize with you. Although my parents never paid for my sister to go to ivy league they do pay for her collage and they also help any other soul they come across but shot me down at my chance even when they didn't have to pay. I hate this! It was the same with a car, care insurance, health insurance, life insurance, the will, cloths, and anything else having to do with money. They gave my husband a car (before he was my husband and split black), my sister a car, my husbands friend a car (after he betrayed us) and several other folks cars as well but not me I had to buy my own. They dole out money and gifts left and right but sure and hell not for me. I am sorry you S- I-L is such a witch. It really sounds to me like you tried to help them and be a good uncle and a good brother even a good brother-in- law. I can't understand this not teaching your child both languages like you said it divides the family. How sad. I know in our family we have 3 dominant languages and a fourth that is not dominant but useful for the vacation home but because English is the one every body at least knows a little that is how we raised our children. We still speak the other 2 sometimes and when we vacation we sometimes teach a few words in the 4th but they have a language that they speak to the whole family the others are more an asset but not necessary. I want them to be able to communicate to the family that is important. I can't believe she would rather look at jewels than get food for her family, how can your brother be married to somebody like that? You said she went to school right? Hello did they teach her people need food especially kids DUH! kids need routine can't she figure that out? I wonder why your brother is still w/ her? Sometimes like w/ my mom I really wonder did she cast a spell on my dad because she is not talented, nice, smart, or pretty what does he see in her? It sounds like this lady is filling the wrong role in life as a mother it sounds like that is not her talent. Moms like this enrage me. I have fleas with this to and I get so mad with I think about the poor kids. Please don't feel disloyal. I just hope your brother wakes up and smells the coffee soon! That is if she will buy some;) you have a right to be angry and betrayed. You did what you could to try and make the visit a good one. There is nothing else you could have done. Lets just pray your brother realizes it before the kids are in deep. And by the way her asking him to come to bed that is just sick! Give your self a hug and don't be hard on yourself. Good luck Love Lizzy Ps I hope nothing I said was to harsh! > > Greg, I'm glad you left early!! (Sorry about having to go back for the computer, though, bummer.) > > Reading your post, as soon as I heard " the Wiggles " I just thought.... uh-oh. I SO know those kind of moms that are so controlling they keep their kids whooshed off for stupid planned events even during a family visit. Like, they're doing it mostly just to prove a point about how hard they have it and how hard they work and how rushed they are, and they're putting on a big show of too-busy-to-relax-with-you, uggghhhh! > > And then all the rest of her behavior, all those fleas... it just sounds awful! > > I mean, I can sympathize as there are few things in life more exhausting than having a 1 year-old AND a 3 year-old... I could even cut slack on being out of groceries when you arrive, but to go food shopping and not return with the food??? That's just creepy. > > In fact, your sister-in-law sounds creepy (no offense!) -- and nada-like and I really hope that, as your nephews get older, you and your brother and your nephews will start taking guy-only vacations together (like camping and stuff.) > > Your nephews are lucky to have you in their lives -- my favorite uncle always was and is now a hugely important relationship for me, especially growing up with such a psycho nada, and he always made time for me and I always appreciated it. > > Sorry it went so badly -- and please get some rest! > > Shana > > Vent and Advice > To: wtoadultchildren1 > > > Hi Everybody, > > > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, > > angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The > > visit with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. > > And my brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful > > time, but way too little of it. One thing that we love to do > > together is watch a movie or two. Once the children were put to > > bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and watch a movie. It > > is such a special time for both of us, like this bonding time. > > Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like there is > > this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love you > > and appreciate you. > > > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops > > and such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My > > brother's wife had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party > > for one of my nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, > > Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was > > only going to be there for 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day > > thing and my brother and I had sat. morning together to catch up > > on nada and her breast cancer and the stories were so different, > > it was like we were talking about two different people. nada is > > such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of things > > and that was great. > > > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell > > him to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and > > shorter, b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red > > Flag. > > > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever > > helps her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in > > 3 years). She is from China and separated from her family. So > > I sympathize with her. Our nada is no help except financially > > to them. > > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially > > with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned > > the bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home > > and is very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my > > brother brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is > > asking, she just walked into the other room. That was the other > > weird thing. When I have company/family visit, I buy groceries. > > They didn't even have coffee. So the kids are hungry and their > > is no routine. I expected that with the three year old there > > would be a routine bed time and even with the one year old. > > These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. Their > > bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law > > feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is > > learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning > > just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then > > learn english. What the hell? It is > > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but > > when they fully don't speak the same language it just further > > divides them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all > > over the place b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At > > times, I just sat back and looked at how the kids are > > controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a year ago, at > > their asking, I made a list of things to do to build consistancy > > and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more but > > my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. > > Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was > > fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th > > anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get > > groceries and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to > > spend some time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. > > She came back and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut > > and for the money, could get a huge (it was already a huge > > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the > > diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here > > is never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about > > the love and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he > > said, yeah, exactly. > > > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was > > about college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards > > to go to three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my > > dad even paid my sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. > > He never did that for me. My brother didn't have to work > > growing up adn I did. So I see how much difference a college > > degree can make and have been paying my own way. I left a day > > early when his wife told me that my nada set up college funds > > for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy > > people putting money for college for my nephews. They are > > incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever > > college they want. And then she said to me, so how are you > > doing with college, knowing that I don't have the money to > > finish the last year and a half (and she had that sick smile > > that my nada had). flea. I told her that she knew the answer > > to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and left. But I left > > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my > > trip. So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned > > into being awake for 38 hours. > > > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or > > should I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to > > supressed anger = I just had to get it out. > > > > Thanks for " listening " > > > > > > Greg. > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 Greg, I'm glad you are home safe and sound and at least got to spend some quality time with your brother and nephews. Your SIL - yikes! I'm glad your nephews have you! I hope your brother will come around one day and do something about it, but in the mean time your nephews have a wonderful Uncle in their life and that can make all the difference. I'm glad you left early. It's not worth enduring all those triggers. I hope you and your brother can find a way to spend time together without her. Maybe he can send her to a spa for the weekend when you visit? :^) I hope you have caught up on your sleep and are proud of how you handles all that. You definitely should be! Fresabird > Hi Everybody, > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, angry, > and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit with my two > nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my brother, who is 2 > years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way too little of it. One > thing that we love to do together is watch a movie or two. Once the > children were put to bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and > watch a movie. It is such a special time for both of us, like this > bonding time. Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like > there is this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love > you and appreciate you. > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops and > such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's wife had > the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my nephews' > friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles > carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there for 3-4 days. I > declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had sat. morning > together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer and the stories > were so different, it was like we were talking about two different > people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of > things and that was great. > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell him to > come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and shorter, b/c > she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever helps her > (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 years). She > is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize with her. > Our nada is no help except financially to them. > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially with my > 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the bathrooms, > unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is very > appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother brought it > up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she just walked into > the other room. That was the other weird thing. When I have > company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have coffee. > So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I expected that with > the three year old there would be a routine bed time and even with the > one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. > Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law > feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is > learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning just > chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then learn > english. What the hell? It is > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but when > they fully don't speak the same language it just further divides them. > This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the place b/c they > don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat back and looked > at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a > year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things to do to build > consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more > but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. > Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was fleas. My > brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th anniversary ring. My > brother and I were going to go get groceries and she said no she would > do it. So I actually got to spend some time with my nephews and my > brother. we had a blast. She came back and said that Costco had a > similar diamond cut and for the money, could get a huge (it was > already a huge > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the diamonds > there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is never > satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the love and > thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, exactly. > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was about > college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go to > three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid my > sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that for me. > My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I see how much > difference a college degree can make and have been paying my own way. > I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada set up college > funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy > people putting money for college for my nephews. They are incredibly > intelligent and will have their pick of what ever college they want. > And then she said to me, so how are you doing with college, knowing > that I don't have the money to finish the last year and a half (and > she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. I told her that she > knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and > left. But I left > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my trip. So > I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into being awake > for 38 hours. > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or should I > say my sister-in-laws' family. > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to supressed > anger = I just had to get it out. > > Thanks for " listening " > > > Greg. > > > --------------------------------- > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 So sorry to hear about how the visit went. Sounds like the brother you love is buried beneath the life he's chosen for himself -- concerning the wife, I mean. It's sad when that happens, but I see it all the time. The " food thing " was a familiar one to me. My nada NEVER has anything to eat. Never troubled much with it as I was growing up, either. She always made it clear she wasn't much interested in cooking -- and she made me do the dishes every night while she sat down and read the paper or watched TV. Sometimes the mess was awful. Nothing shows people you don't care more than refusing to welcome them in with a meal. It's called hospitality, and nadas don't do it well. That would mean putting themselves out for someone else's benefit, now wouldn't it? Again, I was so sorry to see how your sister-in-law sabotaged your visit. -Kyla > > Hi Everybody, > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way too little of it. One thing that we love to do together is watch a movie or two. Once the children were put to bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and watch a movie. It is such a special time for both of us, like this bonding time. Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like there is this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love you and appreciate you. > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops and such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's wife had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there for 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had sat. morning together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer and the stories were so different, it was like we were talking about two different people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of things and that was great. > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell him to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and shorter, b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever helps her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 years). She is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize with her. Our nada is no help except financially to them. > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she just walked into the other room. That was the other weird thing. When I have company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have coffee. So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I expected that with the three year old there would be a routine bed time and even with the one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then learn english. What the hell? It is > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but when they fully don't speak the same language it just further divides them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the place b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat back and looked at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things to do to build consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get groceries and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to spend some time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. She came back and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut and for the money, could get a huge (it was already a huge > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the love and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, exactly. > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was about college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go to three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid my sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that for me. My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I see how much difference a college degree can make and have been paying my own way. I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada set up college funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy people putting money for college for my nephews. They are incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever college they want. And then she said to me, so how are you doing with college, knowing that I don't have the money to finish the last year and a half (and she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. I told her that she knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and left. But I left > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my trip. So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into being awake for 38 hours. > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or should I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to supressed anger = I just had to get it out. > > Thanks for " listening " > > > Greg. > > > --------------------------------- > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 One thing I noticed -- when your sister in law told your brother to come to bed, he should have said " I'll be up later, I'm spending time with my brother. " Everybody's entitled to time off to visit with friends and family. Kind of like guys night out, but you weren't even gone from home! But he didn't, and there was your problem. She needs to learn to sleep on her own. > > > Hi Everybody, > > > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, angry, > > and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit with my two > > nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my brother, who is 2 > > years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way too little of it. One > > thing that we love to do together is watch a movie or two. Once the > > children were put to bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and > > watch a movie. It is such a special time for both of us, like this > > bonding time. Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like > > there is this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love > > you and appreciate you. > > > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops and > > such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's wife had > > the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my nephews' > > friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles > > carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there for 3-4 days. I > > declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had sat. morning > > together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer and the stories > > were so different, it was like we were talking about two different > > people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of > > things and that was great. > > > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell him to > > come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and shorter, b/c > > she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever helps her > > (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 years). She > > is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize with her. > > Our nada is no help except financially to them. > > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially with my > > 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the bathrooms, > > unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is very > > appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother brought it > > up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she just walked into > > the other room. That was the other weird thing. When I have > > company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have coffee. > > So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I expected that with > > the three year old there would be a routine bed time and even with the > > one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. > > Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in- law > > feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is > > learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning just > > chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then learn > > english. What the hell? It is > > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but when > > they fully don't speak the same language it just further divides them. > > This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the place b/c they > > don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat back and looked > > at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a > > year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things to do to build > > consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more > > but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. > > Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was fleas. My > > brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th anniversary ring. My > > brother and I were going to go get groceries and she said no she would > > do it. So I actually got to spend some time with my nephews and my > > brother. we had a blast. She came back and said that Costco had a > > similar diamond cut and for the money, could get a huge (it was > > already a huge > > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the diamonds > > there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is never > > satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the love and > > thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, exactly. > > > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was about > > college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go to > > three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid my > > sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that for me. > > My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I see how much > > difference a college degree can make and have been paying my own way. > > I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada set up college > > funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy > > people putting money for college for my nephews. They are incredibly > > intelligent and will have their pick of what ever college they want. > > And then she said to me, so how are you doing with college, knowing > > that I don't have the money to finish the last year and a half (and > > she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. I told her that she > > knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and > > left. But I left > > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my trip. So > > I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into being awake > > for 38 hours. > > > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or should I > > say my sister-in-laws' family. > > > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to supressed > > anger = I just had to get it out. > > > > Thanks for " listening " > > > > > > Greg. > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 Greg, Your SIL is whacked! No need to feel disloyal to a person who obviously has NO loyalty to you or your relationship w/your brother though I understand the flea. That's how they keep abuse going- secrecy and making everything dirty and ugly and shameful. I'm glad you left early. That shows real progress in emotional boundary setting. I don't think I would ever clean up again for them or remotely offer and I was a bit bewildered when I read that you did that for them. Very generous, but also a role of you being subservient to them when if anything, they should be cleaning for your visit. We don't have too much of a routine w/a 3 year old and a 1 year old either. We've started recently with bedtime around 9-10pm, but some nights they'll stay up later than that. But I stay at home and my kids have never woken up that early,6:30,unless when we took the red eye once or had to live w/only one car for a few weeks-had to drop dh off at the park and ride. My kids usually get enough sleep if you ask me. And the grocery incident just kind of really got under my skin as a mom. I can understand the lack of routine around the dinner table at this age. For us its hit or miss w/maybe twice a week us all eating at the same time and same w/the bedtime, but those are normal battles parents have at this age w/their first kids and find a niche and knowing when a need for implimenting routine becomes apparent (the sleep one was for me a couple of months ago b/c my oldest wasn't getting enough and neither was dh but my youngest and I are wired differently, but I saw the need for a routine there to help them out and me out too and so we made the commitment and stick to it for the most part). But going to the store and getting side tracked by diamonds when you are there to shopfor your children's food?! Whoa- that's where I'd draw the line as that's just not the way moms are wired to be honest unless she's ADHD or depressed. Sounds more BPish from the way you described. BPs have no nationality, religion or generation and for that matter gender (though women are diagnosed a lot more w/it than men). One of my good friends has a Buddist mother from Tawaiian and her mom is clearly a bp. This friend is a twin girl and the other twin is NC while their younger brother hung the moon and stars. She tries to chaulk it up to Asain cultural differences, but that's just not true. Her mom's mentally ill and I get why her sis is NC though my friend doesn't- works on more FOG. I've seen her sis around once or twice, before I realized they were twins and wondering why she was blowing me off- lol- and she's very nice and a little more subdued than my friend. I really do believe to a large extent my friend is extremely hypervigilant and her oldest son is ADHD and to us other friends it sometimes seem obvious why just b/c she's so hyper too. But I've told her before, its NOT an Asain thing. Its a mental illness thing- my mother in law is Asain and she's not like this at all. I feel bad for the kids and I feel bad for you. I'd probably visit less even though I'm sure you love your nephews. That was very rude and inhospitable. And by the way, just b/c people have credit cards, go to Ivy League schools and drive nice cars and wear nice clothes does not remotely mean they have wealth. It means only that they know how to spend money. Considering 70% of Americans would be devestated by the loss of one paycheck, I've learned not to judge those books by the cover. In fact I probably judge the opposite after reading Stanley's book, The Millionaire Next Door. Those who run around like peacocks tend to be the crow underneath all those feather. I don't buy it at all. I see it w/my nada. My son just turned 3 and even though we told her not send gifts anymore she went out to Gymboree and bought him all kinds of clothes (which we are giving away to more needy families/kids). We make roughly 2 1/2 Xs a year what she makes and we won't even shop there for clothes as its a rip off most times- even sale items are cheaper at Children's Place.But that's nada- wanting to impress w/image. My nada never saved anything for college and I took out loans and put myself through and just finished paying the loan this April 6 years out of school at 35 years old. I'm glad nada didn't pay in the long run for my school. She always complained about how she never went to school and threw away a basketball scholarship b/c her parents wouldn't help her. Granted loans weren't as easy to come by in her generation as mine and especially women back in the early 70s, but college was also much cheaper and she could've worked her way through just as I did. She needed something to be bitter about. I'm not bitter about my paying my way. I don't give her ANY credit for college except as a catalyst through her negative example of how I didn't want to be. I'm a stronger person for having paid my way and for learning what I did learn in college and never having to give credit to nada for that experience. Its all mine and all me and I'm proud of that accomplishment. But Ivy league schools are only really good if you are going into law or med or something to that effect like my SIL (went to Harvard and Hopkins medical schools). I happen to think its absurd to go to these kinds of school for elementary education.So really, I'm not at all impressed w/people who graduate Brown w/Sociology degrees or Vanderbilt w/speech therapy degrees or Rice w/elementary education or any of those fields where the education was cheaper elsewhere and the alma matter still doesn't start you off a year at more than 30K at best. Seems weird and backasswards American consumerism run amuck. Even if my kids got into Harvard and I had the money, I wouldn't pay for it if they tell me they want to be a gradeschool teacher. Its incongruent w/my value system to be so frivolous and pretentious as that though nada really Loved my SIL for going to Harvard. Ironically my SIL can't stand my mother b/c she's a psychiatrist and recognized her bpd instantly:p Touche! K > > Hi Everybody, > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way too little of it. One thing that we love to do together is watch a movie or two. Once the children were put to bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and watch a movie. It is such a special time for both of us, like this bonding time. Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like there is this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love you and appreciate you. > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops and such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's wife had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there for 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had sat. morning together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer and the stories were so different, it was like we were talking about two different people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of things and that was great. > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell him to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and shorter, b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever helps her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 years). She is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize with her. Our nada is no help except financially to them. > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she just walked into the other room. That was the other weird thing. When I have company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have coffee. So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I expected that with the three year old there would be a routine bed time and even with the one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then learn english. What the hell? It is > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but when they fully don't speak the same language it just further divides them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the place b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat back and looked at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things to do to build consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get groceries and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to spend some time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. She came back and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut and for the money, could get a huge (it was already a huge > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the love and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, exactly. > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was about college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go to three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid my sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that for me. My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I see how much difference a college degree can make and have been paying my own way. I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada set up college funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy people putting money for college for my nephews. They are incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever college they want. And then she said to me, so how are you doing with college, knowing that I don't have the money to finish the last year and a half (and she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. I told her that she knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and left. But I left > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my trip. So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into being awake for 38 hours. > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or should I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to supressed anger = I just had to get it out. > > Thanks for " listening " > > > Greg. > > > --------------------------------- > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 One other thing, Greg -- when you wrote " I feel disloyal writing this... " , my thought was " It's your brother who was the disloyal one by not protecting your time together (by standing up to the dictates of his wife) and letting you twist in the wind while she played bad hostess. " Think about it -- him staying in the background and doing nothing while giving her the control to treat you rudely (no food in the house when you're having a houseguest? Pulling your brother away from you so he could sing her a lullabye?) was as rude as she was. But, they've made it 10 years, so I don't think he's fighting it much. Sad, really, how some people let others run the show, rendering themselves invisible. (sorry, I'm ranting.....) In short: Don't feel disloyal. Your brother was disloyal first. You simply called it like you saw it. Kyla > > Hi Everybody, > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way too little of it. One thing that we love to do together is watch a movie or two. Once the children were put to bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and watch a movie. It is such a special time for both of us, like this bonding time. Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like there is this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love you and appreciate you. > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops and such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's wife had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there for 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had sat. morning together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer and the stories were so different, it was like we were talking about two different people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of things and that was great. > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell him to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and shorter, b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever helps her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 years). She is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize with her. Our nada is no help except financially to them. > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she just walked into the other room. That was the other weird thing. When I have company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have coffee. So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I expected that with the three year old there would be a routine bed time and even with the one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then learn english. What the hell? It is > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but when they fully don't speak the same language it just further divides them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the place b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat back and looked at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things to do to build consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get groceries and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to spend some time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. She came back and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut and for the money, could get a huge (it was already a huge > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the love and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, exactly. > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was about college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go to three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid my sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that for me. My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I see how much difference a college degree can make and have been paying my own way. I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada set up college funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy people putting money for college for my nephews. They are incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever college they want. And then she said to me, so how are you doing with college, knowing that I don't have the money to finish the last year and a half (and she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. I told her that she knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and left. But I left > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my trip. So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into being awake for 38 hours. > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or should I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to supressed anger = I just had to get it out. > > Thanks for " listening " > > > Greg. > > > --------------------------------- > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 Oh no, Greg. I'm so sorry. I somehow missed that post yesterday when I was checking my messages--I read something that led me to believe you'd had a great trip. Eeeek. Your description of your brother's wife is so vivid I feel like I know her--or have met her before. Actually, I just left the bay area so. . ... But seriously, she sounds evil and it must be frustrating to you to see that your brother has chosen such a person as a spouse and allows her to wreak havoc on your innocent nephews and disrupt your relationship with your brother. Yuck. My younger brother is a serial dater of evil women, so I understand how those kinds of relationships can disrupt the entire family. And I also understand the complexity of feelings that come up when you see the injustices and differences in how children of BP's are raised. My parents paid nothing for my college, the once contributed $300 to a piece of crap car that I otherwise bought for myself, but only after kicking and screaming and doing everything to prevent me from driving. All this in spite of my seriously hard work throughout high school and basically my perfect behavior. But my brothers? They always had a car available to them and never had to ask or say where they were going, while I had to beg, borrow, and fenegel my way to work(bro's never had a job growing up). My parents took out their retirement fund to pay for one brother's education--he now lives at home where he is unemployed. They have also gotten into the habit of spending thousands a month for both of my unemployed bro's cars--nicer cars than I'll ever own(because I choose not to spend my $ that way) and I've worked since I was 16. The inequity is hurtful and crapy, but I often tell myself that it has to do more with how sick they are than it does with my worthiness. Also, being on my own has forced me to make my own life and separate from my parents AND be financially independant of them--which is a godsend. My brothers cannot disentangle themselves from all of this crapola untill they cut the purse strings. And I know tough times are ahead for you--paying for college alone etc. But you can do it--I've done it twice now! I've lived off of ramen noodles, slept on the floor. . .all of it. And I have to say that I'm very proud of my ability to get through it all now that it's past. And you should be too. It may take you longer and be more difficult than if mommmy-dearest financed you. . .but it's worth it. And I really do think that you are following your calling by going back to study psychology because you have such insight and attention to others. When you're on the path you're meant to take, things just have a way of working themselves out. Trish > > Hi Everybody, > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way too little of it. One thing that we love to do together is watch a movie or two. Once the children were put to bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and watch a movie. It is such a special time for both of us, like this bonding time. Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like there is this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love you and appreciate you. > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops and such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's wife had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there for 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had sat. morning together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer and the stories were so different, it was like we were talking about two different people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of things and that was great. > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell him to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and shorter, b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever helps her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 years). She is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize with her. Our nada is no help except financially to them. > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she just walked into the other room. That was the other weird thing. When I have company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have coffee. So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I expected that with the three year old there would be a routine bed time and even with the one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then learn english. What the hell? It is > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but when they fully don't speak the same language it just further divides them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the place b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat back and looked at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things to do to build consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get groceries and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to spend some time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. She came back and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut and for the money, could get a huge (it was already a huge > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the love and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, exactly. > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was about college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go to three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid my sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that for me. My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I see how much difference a college degree can make and have been paying my own way. I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada set up college funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy people putting money for college for my nephews. They are incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever college they want. And then she said to me, so how are you doing with college, knowing that I don't have the money to finish the last year and a half (and she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. I told her that she knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and left. But I left > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my trip. So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into being awake for 38 hours. > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or should I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to supressed anger = I just had to get it out. > > Thanks for " listening " > > > Greg. > > > --------------------------------- > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 Kyla, Greg ,Kerri and All, Kerri I love what you said about the crow and the peacock that is soo sooo true. So often not only with the bp but people in general you see them throw money around and not save a dime! Just the other day we were talking about how I can't wait to go back to school. Anyways I am still very young only just turned 25 and this other lady was over 40 but we have our children the same age and she said " well by the time you get started with school it will be pretty much too late! " As she is telling how she is still paying off her loans and doesn't even have a job to show for! My aunt who is her neighbor and 5-10 years younger than her looked at her and said " really I already have my kids collage paid for and no, Lizzy is not to old to start collage I was 25 when I started and now I have a good job and I save my money " . But this neighbor loves to flaunt $$$$$ it makes me sick. She like many others would rather show off and have nothing rather than be realistic! I don't care if I do have loans so what I will get a job and pay them off so long as I don't have to go through my parents I am fine. I have a bank for that! And BYW I am a firm believer it is never to late to learn anything! I wanted to pick up the piano this past spring and a friend of mine and dh who is a dean at the collage here in the state I live said to me I should do it and she told me of a female student she has who is 60 and just starting the piano! She said you are never to old to learn anything that you want if you do it for yourself. I found these words inspiring. About the food thing I know I have said this here before but I recall one house we lived in (we moved alot because my dad was into design, architecture and building) but one house we lived in for about 4 years my mom never cooked even one meal. She never even packed my school lunch or prepared me a bowl of cereal in the morning. I think I lived of peaches and cream oat meal for breakfast lunch meat sandwiches for lunch. Plus I had really bad migraines and seizures and the medication I was taking made people " gain weight " . I was thin and survived on what I knew how to cook my self at age 6-10. I was always underweight and some years I even was losing weight instead of gaining like normal children I always looked sick and mal-nutritious Every bone stuck out and I have dark rings around my eyes. Then my sister was born in the mix. My sister was just more out spoken she would bellow out " I want Mcs " and they would take her almost every day. Not me just her. This pattern continued for years. The took her to fruggen Mc's all the time but not me. Then one day after my mom stopped her 6 year affair (just one of many affairs) she decided to cook one day and she made steaks on the grill. I ate and ate and ate till the cows came home. (no pun intended) My parents thought something was wrong with me I was about 12. No nothing was wrong with me but if you cook the children will eat! Shortly after that something my nada did start that was nice was a Sunday dinner and she usually made steaks or a big roast. But this never happened until I was a teen. The dinners were surprisingly peaceful and fairly good memories some of the very few. Not that her cooking was the best I still think she was a pretty rotten cook lol. any body can dump a box of instant mashed potatoes and a box of rice a roni and canned beans. But that was what we had every Sunday pretty much after she discovered we would eat if she would cook maybe 14 years into being a mother! So yes the cooking and lack of food this bothers me tremendously. I think that is why I strive to be not a good cook, not a great cook, but an excellent cook. When my grandma or mother in law teaches me a recipe I have to master it so when people try it they say wow this is good this is better than so and so's. Then I can think in my mind yes I know and my mom can't cook so I didn't get this from her! I tell people all the time my grandma (dad's mom) and my MIL are the ones who have helped me in the kitchen. I buy cookbooks like cooking healthy, cooking Asian, I subscribe to cooking magazines and health magazines . One thing I did that I am most proud of was I even had a cook book published for a non profit organization it had lots of healthy foods and lots of ethnic foods from 10+ different cultures! This cooking is a HUGE deal to me if you can't tell… I guess you can say it is a flea;) I just want my family to be fed healthy and enough. I buy the right foods I study healthy eating. I want my family to be raised right and not the way I was raised. I wish no child needs to go through that ever. That is my wish. Love Lizzy > > > > Hi Everybody, > > > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, > angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit > with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my > brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way > too little of it. One thing that we love to do together is watch a > movie or two. Once the children were put to bed, my brother and I > would go downstairs and watch a movie. It is such a special time for > both of us, like this bonding time. Everything feels safe in the > world and it feels like there is this energy that flows back and > forth that just says I love you and appreciate you. > > > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops and > such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's wife > had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my > nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go to > a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there for > 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had > sat. morning together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer and > the stories were so different, it was like we were talking about two > different people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same page > about a lot of things and that was great. > > > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell him > to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and shorter, > b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever helps > her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 years). > She is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize > with her. Our nada is no help except financially to them. > > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially > with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the > bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is > very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother > brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she just > walked into the other room. That was the other weird thing. When I > have company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have > coffee. So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I expected > that with the three year old there would be a routine bed time and > even with the one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and then > get up at 6 a.m. Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like > my sister-in-law feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three > year old is learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is > learning just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn > then learn english. What the hell? It is > > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but > when they fully don't speak the same language it just further divides > them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the place > b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat back > and looked at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are > exhuasted and a year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things to > do to build consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't > yell any more but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - > flea big time. Actually, now that i have written this out, most of > it was fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th > anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get groceries > and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to spend some > time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. She came back > and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut and for the money, > could get a huge (it was already a huge > > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the > diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is > never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the love > and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, > exactly. > > > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was about > college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go to > three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid my > sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that for > me. My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I see > how much difference a college degree can make and have been paying my > own way. I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada set > up college funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six > wealthy people putting money for college for my nephews. They are > incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever college > they want. And then she said to me, so how are you doing with > college, knowing that I don't have the money to finish the last year > and a half (and she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. I > told her that she knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and > packed my stuff and left. But I left > > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my trip. > So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into being > awake for 38 hours. > > > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or should > I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to supressed > anger = I just had to get it out. > > > > Thanks for " listening " > > > > > > Greg. > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 Greg, Sorry to hear about your trip! I have a very similar BP-ish SIL as well, and visits are very stressful, just as you described. Your story about cleaning the carpets and the bathrooms and unclogging the sinks reminded me of similar visits to my SIL. I think as a KO--even as a KO who is aware of that fact, and who is dealing with his/her nada issues--sometimes it is easy for us to fall into a pattern of trying to please another BP. And we can't win that game! And then we feel naturally so angry and frustrated at the outcome. The average person might say a " typical guest role " is offering to help with the dishes, or offering to take the family out to dinner one night. Kind of lightweight stuff. But if the BP-ish SIL is complaining about " no one helping, " then... we pitch right in, scrubbing the toilets! Then we feel disappointed when our efforts are unrecognized. A similar thing happened to me. I used to always host the holiday dinners for the extended family. One time, I think because she wanted to look good, SIL offered to host one Thanksgiving. Then she proceeded to complain to me for weeks about how much work it was, how a lot of people were coming, no one was offering to help, blah blah. So I kept offering to help her out more and more. I think I brought an appetizer, two vegetable casseroles, the cranberries and the pies, and then offered to come early to " help " her with the rest of the cooking. But when I got there, she hadn't even started, and the minute I got there, she retired to her bedroom to " rest " . I then made the other appetizers, the turkey, the stuffing, the potatoes, homemade rolls, the gravy; cleaned the kitchen, living room, dining room; set the table, made sure everyone had what they needed all afternoon. She came down just as I was finishing the gravy and about to set all the food out. She " helped " transport the food to the table, and then presided as a smiling hostess, saying how it hadnt been so bad, and that she ought to host holiday dinners more often. In retrospect it's funny, but at the time I was seething! Seeeething! And felt so unappreciated. But later I considered how I had played the game...I had rescued her and tried to please her, just as I was in the habit in younger days of rescuing or trying to please my nada. Just as I had to learn to smile and nod and not respond to my nada, I have to learn to smile and nod and not respond to people like her also. I am learning not to play a game that can't be won, that will never have a good outcome. I can see why, since you love your brother and nephews, why you would want to get along with SIL and be an agreeable guest and be liked by her. I can also see how you would be frustrated at the things you saw happening (no food, the diamond incident, no schedule, the lack of her appreciation over the diamond, etc). And, because you love your brother and nephews, seeing these things going on would naturally cause you distress. And our natural KO reaction is sometimes to try to fix things we can't fix. Or to want to control things that we can't control. What I do in those situations is try to think, What can I control here? You care about your brother and newphews, so you might think about how you can have a nice impact on their lives, regardless of SIL and her impact on them. It's all easier said than done of course. I'm sure you recognize how much your nephews will appreciate having someone like you stay involved with them! Other people have said that too. (I sure wish someone had done that in my FOO.) Welcome back from your trip. Janie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 Shana, Thanks for the reply. My God you nailed her character to a T. When you wrote: Reading your post, as soon as I heard " the Wiggles " I just thought.... uh-oh. I SO know those kind of moms that are so controlling they keep their kids whooshed off for stupid planned events even during a family visit. Like, they're doing it mostly just to prove a point about how hard they have it and how hard they work and how rushed they are, and they're putting on a big show of too-busy-to- relax-with- you, uggghhhh! I was stunned. That is exactly how she is; the martyr but with bpish traits. When I was living in Dallas, my psychiatrist there told me that my broher needed to grow some balls and stand up to his wife, especially for my nephews' sake. That is what is so frustrating: I didn't cause it, control it, nor cure it. I just send drawings and things like that for the three year old, so he knows Uncle Greg is there. I'm glad you have such an Uncle. Take good care, Greg. slarsen988@... wrote: Greg, I'm glad you left early!! (Sorry about having to go back for the computer, though, bummer.) Reading your post, as soon as I heard " the Wiggles " I just thought.... uh-oh. I SO know those kind of moms that are so controlling they keep their kids whooshed off for stupid planned events even during a family visit. Like, they're doing it mostly just to prove a point about how hard they have it and how hard they work and how rushed they are, and they're putting on a big show of too-busy-to-relax-with-you, uggghhhh! And then all the rest of her behavior, all those fleas... it just sounds awful! I mean, I can sympathize as there are few things in life more exhausting than having a 1 year-old AND a 3 year-old... I could even cut slack on being out of groceries when you arrive, but to go food shopping and not return with the food??? That's just creepy. In fact, your sister-in-law sounds creepy (no offense!) -- and nada-like and I really hope that, as your nephews get older, you and your brother and your nephews will start taking guy-only vacations together (like camping and stuff.) Your nephews are lucky to have you in their lives -- my favorite uncle always was and is now a hugely important relationship for me, especially growing up with such a psycho nada, and he always made time for me and I always appreciated it. Sorry it went so badly -- and please get some rest! Shana Vent and Advice To: wtoadultchildren1 > Hi Everybody, > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, > angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The > visit with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. > And my brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful > time, but way too little of it. One thing that we love to do > together is watch a movie or two. Once the children were put to > bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and watch a movie. It > is such a special time for both of us, like this bonding time. > Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like there is > this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love you > and appreciate you. > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops > and such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My > brother's wife had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party > for one of my nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, > Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was > only going to be there for 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day > thing and my brother and I had sat. morning together to catch up > on nada and her breast cancer and the stories were so different, > it was like we were talking about two different people. nada is > such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of things > and that was great. > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell > him to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and > shorter, b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red > Flag. > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever > helps her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in > 3 years). She is from China and separated from her family. So > I sympathize with her. Our nada is no help except financially > to them. > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially > with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned > the bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home > and is very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my > brother brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is > asking, she just walked into the other room. That was the other > weird thing. When I have company/family visit, I buy groceries. > They didn't even have coffee. So the kids are hungry and their > is no routine. I expected that with the three year old there > would be a routine bed time and even with the one year old. > These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. Their > bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law > feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is > learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning > just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then > learn english. What the hell? It is > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but > when they fully don't speak the same language it just further > divides them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all > over the place b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At > times, I just sat back and looked at how the kids are > controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a year ago, at > their asking, I made a list of things to do to build consistancy > and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more but > my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. > Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was > fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th > anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get > groceries and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to > spend some time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. > She came back and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut > and for the money, could get a huge (it was already a huge > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the > diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here > is never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about > the love and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he > said, yeah, exactly. > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was > about college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards > to go to three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my > dad even paid my sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. > He never did that for me. My brother didn't have to work > growing up adn I did. So I see how much difference a college > degree can make and have been paying my own way. I left a day > early when his wife told me that my nada set up college funds > for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy > people putting money for college for my nephews. They are > incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever > college they want. And then she said to me, so how are you > doing with college, knowing that I don't have the money to > finish the last year and a half (and she had that sick smile > that my nada had). flea. I told her that she knew the answer > to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and left. But I left > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my > trip. So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned > into being awake for 38 hours. > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or > should I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to > supressed anger = I just had to get it out. > > Thanks for " listening " > > > Greg. > > > --------------------------------- > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 , I can really tell you hear me when you wrote about being forgotten and cheated. It makes absolutely no sense how they dish out their money. Just the same as why they paint one black and one white. It's like it is all for show for them. However, a college education is an investment in a child's life that will open doorways. I used to resent my brother but I don't anymore. I will move beyond this, but right now I feel angry that my parents abused me in every way you can abuse a child into the teen years, and then threw me out. My nada didn't because I was still convinced that I needed to take care of her = FOG. But not anymore. She is dead as far as I am concerned. And that boundry that I set with her to only call with information about her breast cancer; no more of that either. Stick a fork in her, she' s done. I've blocked her numbers from calling in and also in email. This is what she will do and has done in the past; she will call the police and report me missing. The police will ask her all these questions and in Dallas and other places I lived, they came to my door. humiliating. I hope that the Seattle PD doesn't do anything. I will probably end up taking out student loans again next year. I am going to work full time this year while i get in state tuition. Thanks for your support, . I am so happy for you that you are taking great care of yourself and graduating this year! And this Thanksgiving break, IMO, take a break - you are going through so much. Greg. j1mcninc wrote: Greg, I hear you. My family is totally wealthy but yet I don't get money at critical times, which I don't think I'm entitled. I drive around in land rovers and am flown out to exotic places to vocation. Yet, when it comes to buying textbooks, I can't afford a $67.00 book. I'm working in the economics department at UT, I pay for just about every. This year my last year of school has been very different, I have no money and wouldn't ask for any from the foo, because of previous blackmail and unpleasant experiences. I took out a private loan from Citibank. I have poor credit, so I had a friend co-sign and it has been no problem. But it still makes me sad that they don't believe in me or will afford me that chance. I guess if its going to be its up to me. My heart is in knots for you Greg, I too feel forgotten and cheated. I don't know why they haven't offered you the opportunity to finish school (I don't know the dynamic of your families illness)? I would be pissed as hell. I feel for you, man. > > Hi Everybody, > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way too little of it. One thing that we love to do together is watch a movie or two. Once the children were put to bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and watch a movie. It is such a special time for both of us, like this bonding time. Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like there is this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love you and appreciate you. > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops and such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's wife had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there for 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had sat. morning together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer and the stories were so different, it was like we were talking about two different people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of things and that was great. > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell him to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and shorter, b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever helps her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 years). She is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize with her. Our nada is no help except financially to them. > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she just walked into the other room. That was the other weird thing. When I have company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have coffee. So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I expected that with the three year old there would be a routine bed time and even with the one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then learn english. What the hell? It is > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but when they fully don't speak the same language it just further divides them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the place b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat back and looked at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things to do to build consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get groceries and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to spend some time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. She came back and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut and for the money, could get a huge (it was already a huge > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the love and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, exactly. > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was about college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go to three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid my sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that for me. My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I see how much difference a college degree can make and have been paying my own way. I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada set up college funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy people putting money for college for my nephews. They are incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever college they want. And then she said to me, so how are you doing with college, knowing that I don't have the money to finish the last year and a half (and she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. I told her that she knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and left. But I left > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my trip. So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into being awake for 38 hours. > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or should I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to supressed anger = I just had to get it out. > > Thanks for " listening " > > > Greg. > > > --------------------------------- > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 Lizzy, I know, isn't it nuts! Everything you wrote really hit a chord with me. I'm sorry that they did that to you and your sister; it just goes to show how f'd up they are; treating you and your sister so differently. You deserved better from them. And thank you for your words of wisdom about my brother and his wife and my nephews. I really appreciate it. Take great care. Greg. lizzyboo81 wrote: Holy Cow (((((Greg))))) I think you needed that. Well I can really Empathize with you. Although my parents never paid for my sister to go to ivy league they do pay for her collage and they also help any other soul they come across but shot me down at my chance even when they didn't have to pay. I hate this! It was the same with a car, care insurance, health insurance, life insurance, the will, cloths, and anything else having to do with money. They gave my husband a car (before he was my husband and split black), my sister a car, my husbands friend a car (after he betrayed us) and several other folks cars as well but not me I had to buy my own. They dole out money and gifts left and right but sure and hell not for me. I am sorry you S- I-L is such a witch. It really sounds to me like you tried to help them and be a good uncle and a good brother even a good brother-in- law. I can't understand this not teaching your child both languages like you said it divides the family. How sad. I know in our family we have 3 dominant languages and a fourth that is not dominant but useful for the vacation home but because English is the one every body at least knows a little that is how we raised our children. We still speak the other 2 sometimes and when we vacation we sometimes teach a few words in the 4th but they have a language that they speak to the whole family the others are more an asset but not necessary. I want them to be able to communicate to the family that is important. I can't believe she would rather look at jewels than get food for her family, how can your brother be married to somebody like that? You said she went to school right? Hello did they teach her people need food especially kids DUH! kids need routine can't she figure that out? I wonder why your brother is still w/ her? Sometimes like w/ my mom I really wonder did she cast a spell on my dad because she is not talented, nice, smart, or pretty what does he see in her? It sounds like this lady is filling the wrong role in life as a mother it sounds like that is not her talent. Moms like this enrage me. I have fleas with this to and I get so mad with I think about the poor kids. Please don't feel disloyal. I just hope your brother wakes up and smells the coffee soon! That is if she will buy some;) you have a right to be angry and betrayed. You did what you could to try and make the visit a good one. There is nothing else you could have done. Lets just pray your brother realizes it before the kids are in deep. And by the way her asking him to come to bed that is just sick! Give your self a hug and don't be hard on yourself. Good luck Love Lizzy Ps I hope nothing I said was to harsh! > > Greg, I'm glad you left early!! (Sorry about having to go back for the computer, though, bummer.) > > Reading your post, as soon as I heard " the Wiggles " I just thought.... uh-oh. I SO know those kind of moms that are so controlling they keep their kids whooshed off for stupid planned events even during a family visit. Like, they're doing it mostly just to prove a point about how hard they have it and how hard they work and how rushed they are, and they're putting on a big show of too-busy-to-relax-with-you, uggghhhh! > > And then all the rest of her behavior, all those fleas... it just sounds awful! > > I mean, I can sympathize as there are few things in life more exhausting than having a 1 year-old AND a 3 year-old... I could even cut slack on being out of groceries when you arrive, but to go food shopping and not return with the food??? That's just creepy. > > In fact, your sister-in-law sounds creepy (no offense!) -- and nada-like and I really hope that, as your nephews get older, you and your brother and your nephews will start taking guy-only vacations together (like camping and stuff.) > > Your nephews are lucky to have you in their lives -- my favorite uncle always was and is now a hugely important relationship for me, especially growing up with such a psycho nada, and he always made time for me and I always appreciated it. > > Sorry it went so badly -- and please get some rest! > > Shana > > Vent and Advice > To: wtoadultchildren1 > > > Hi Everybody, > > > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, > > angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The > > visit with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. > > And my brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful > > time, but way too little of it. One thing that we love to do > > together is watch a movie or two. Once the children were put to > > bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and watch a movie. It > > is such a special time for both of us, like this bonding time. > > Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like there is > > this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love you > > and appreciate you. > > > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops > > and such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My > > brother's wife had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party > > for one of my nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, > > Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was > > only going to be there for 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day > > thing and my brother and I had sat. morning together to catch up > > on nada and her breast cancer and the stories were so different, > > it was like we were talking about two different people. nada is > > such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of things > > and that was great. > > > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell > > him to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and > > shorter, b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red > > Flag. > > > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever > > helps her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in > > 3 years). She is from China and separated from her family. So > > I sympathize with her. Our nada is no help except financially > > to them. > > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially > > with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned > > the bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home > > and is very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my > > brother brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is > > asking, she just walked into the other room. That was the other > > weird thing. When I have company/family visit, I buy groceries. > > They didn't even have coffee. So the kids are hungry and their > > is no routine. I expected that with the three year old there > > would be a routine bed time and even with the one year old. > > These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. Their > > bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law > > feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is > > learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning > > just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then > > learn english. What the hell? It is > > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but > > when they fully don't speak the same language it just further > > divides them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all > > over the place b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At > > times, I just sat back and looked at how the kids are > > controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a year ago, at > > their asking, I made a list of things to do to build consistancy > > and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more but > > my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. > > Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was > > fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th > > anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get > > groceries and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to > > spend some time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. > > She came back and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut > > and for the money, could get a huge (it was already a huge > > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the > > diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here > > is never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about > > the love and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he > > said, yeah, exactly. > > > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was > > about college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards > > to go to three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my > > dad even paid my sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. > > He never did that for me. My brother didn't have to work > > growing up adn I did. So I see how much difference a college > > degree can make and have been paying my own way. I left a day > > early when his wife told me that my nada set up college funds > > for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy > > people putting money for college for my nephews. They are > > incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever > > college they want. And then she said to me, so how are you > > doing with college, knowing that I don't have the money to > > finish the last year and a half (and she had that sick smile > > that my nada had). flea. I told her that she knew the answer > > to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and left. But I left > > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my > > trip. So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned > > into being awake for 38 hours. > > > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or > > should I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to > > supressed anger = I just had to get it out. > > > > Thanks for " listening " > > > > > > Greg. > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2006 Report Share Posted October 1, 2006 Fresabird, That is the thing; I haven't spent one day with my brother since he and his wife got married in China and they came back to the US. She completely monopolizes his time, which really pisses me off. I told him so and he says that now with the kids, it's impossible. But I don't think that he really sees the bigger picture of each person needs time away from their spouse to be themselves. Thanks for your support. All my best, Greg. fresabird@... wrote: Greg, I'm glad you are home safe and sound and at least got to spend some quality time with your brother and nephews. Your SIL - yikes! I'm glad your nephews have you! I hope your brother will come around one day and do something about it, but in the mean time your nephews have a wonderful Uncle in their life and that can make all the difference. I'm glad you left early. It's not worth enduring all those triggers. I hope you and your brother can find a way to spend time together without her. Maybe he can send her to a spa for the weekend when you visit? :^) I hope you have caught up on your sleep and are proud of how you handles all that. You definitely should be! Fresabird > Hi Everybody, > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, angry, > and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit with my two > nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my brother, who is 2 > years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way too little of it. One > thing that we love to do together is watch a movie or two. Once the > children were put to bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and > watch a movie. It is such a special time for both of us, like this > bonding time. Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like > there is this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love > you and appreciate you. > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops and > such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's wife had > the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my nephews' > friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles > carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there for 3-4 days. I > declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had sat. morning > together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer and the stories > were so different, it was like we were talking about two different > people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of > things and that was great. > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell him to > come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and shorter, b/c > she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever helps her > (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 years). She > is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize with her. > Our nada is no help except financially to them. > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially with my > 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the bathrooms, > unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is very > appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother brought it > up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she just walked into > the other room. That was the other weird thing. When I have > company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have coffee. > So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I expected that with > the three year old there would be a routine bed time and even with the > one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. > Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law > feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is > learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning just > chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then learn > english. What the hell? It is > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but when > they fully don't speak the same language it just further divides them. > This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the place b/c they > don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat back and looked > at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a > year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things to do to build > consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more > but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. > Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was fleas. My > brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th anniversary ring. My > brother and I were going to go get groceries and she said no she would > do it. So I actually got to spend some time with my nephews and my > brother. we had a blast. She came back and said that Costco had a > similar diamond cut and for the money, could get a huge (it was > already a huge > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the diamonds > there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is never > satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the love and > thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, exactly. > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was about > college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go to > three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid my > sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that for me. > My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I see how much > difference a college degree can make and have been paying my own way. > I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada set up college > funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy > people putting money for college for my nephews. They are incredibly > intelligent and will have their pick of what ever college they want. > And then she said to me, so how are you doing with college, knowing > that I don't have the money to finish the last year and a half (and > she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. I told her that she > knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and > left. But I left > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my trip. So > I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into being awake > for 38 hours. > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or should I > say my sister-in-laws' family. > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to supressed > anger = I just had to get it out. > > Thanks for " listening " > > > Greg. > > > --------------------------------- > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2006 Report Share Posted October 1, 2006 Kerrie, Thanks for sharing your experience with a 1 and 3 year old. I know that it is taxing, to say the least, but it doesn'thave to be total chaos. And the brothers need to speak the same language in order to bond. This one really bothers me. And they don't live extravagently. They went 10 years before even getting a wedding ring. I am working on getting them to come up to my place = get her out of her environment = takes away some of her power. I am not going to let their craziness ruin my time with my nephews, so I will just make my trips shorter to a day or two. I'm proud of you for putting yourself through college. I've done the same up to this point. However, things changed on March 17th, 2003, when I had back surgery and the neurosurgeon let the disc ronger (drill) slip and it went into my spinal cord. I am in constant pain and will be, b/c they can't remove scar tissue and the scar tissue has bound part of my thecal sac (sack around the spinal cord) to my L4/5 vertibrae. So I take 18 pain pills a day. Before this, I was taking 22 credit hours with the Dean's permission. Now, 12 is pushing it. I don't know how adding work to this is going to work, but I will find a way. Or take less credit hours. But it is kinda comforting to know that, like put it, if it's going to be, it's up to me. I don't believe anymore lies of " oh, i'll help you...blah blah blah " since I know understand how BPD work. Again, thanks to you and everyone one on the list who has responded. Greg. Kerrie wrote: Greg, Your SIL is whacked! No need to feel disloyal to a person who obviously has NO loyalty to you or your relationship w/your brother though I understand the flea. That's how they keep abuse going- secrecy and making everything dirty and ugly and shameful. I'm glad you left early. That shows real progress in emotional boundary setting. I don't think I would ever clean up again for them or remotely offer and I was a bit bewildered when I read that you did that for them. Very generous, but also a role of you being subservient to them when if anything, they should be cleaning for your visit. We don't have too much of a routine w/a 3 year old and a 1 year old either. We've started recently with bedtime around 9-10pm, but some nights they'll stay up later than that. But I stay at home and my kids have never woken up that early,6:30,unless when we took the red eye once or had to live w/only one car for a few weeks-had to drop dh off at the park and ride. My kids usually get enough sleep if you ask me. And the grocery incident just kind of really got under my skin as a mom. I can understand the lack of routine around the dinner table at this age. For us its hit or miss w/maybe twice a week us all eating at the same time and same w/the bedtime, but those are normal battles parents have at this age w/their first kids and find a niche and knowing when a need for implimenting routine becomes apparent (the sleep one was for me a couple of months ago b/c my oldest wasn't getting enough and neither was dh but my youngest and I are wired differently, but I saw the need for a routine there to help them out and me out too and so we made the commitment and stick to it for the most part). But going to the store and getting side tracked by diamonds when you are there to shopfor your children's food?! Whoa- that's where I'd draw the line as that's just not the way moms are wired to be honest unless she's ADHD or depressed. Sounds more BPish from the way you described. BPs have no nationality, religion or generation and for that matter gender (though women are diagnosed a lot more w/it than men). One of my good friends has a Buddist mother from Tawaiian and her mom is clearly a bp. This friend is a twin girl and the other twin is NC while their younger brother hung the moon and stars. She tries to chaulk it up to Asain cultural differences, but that's just not true. Her mom's mentally ill and I get why her sis is NC though my friend doesn't- works on more FOG. I've seen her sis around once or twice, before I realized they were twins and wondering why she was blowing me off- lol- and she's very nice and a little more subdued than my friend. I really do believe to a large extent my friend is extremely hypervigilant and her oldest son is ADHD and to us other friends it sometimes seem obvious why just b/c she's so hyper too. But I've told her before, its NOT an Asain thing. Its a mental illness thing- my mother in law is Asain and she's not like this at all. I feel bad for the kids and I feel bad for you. I'd probably visit less even though I'm sure you love your nephews. That was very rude and inhospitable. And by the way, just b/c people have credit cards, go to Ivy League schools and drive nice cars and wear nice clothes does not remotely mean they have wealth. It means only that they know how to spend money. Considering 70% of Americans would be devestated by the loss of one paycheck, I've learned not to judge those books by the cover. In fact I probably judge the opposite after reading Stanley's book, The Millionaire Next Door. Those who run around like peacocks tend to be the crow underneath all those feather. I don't buy it at all. I see it w/my nada. My son just turned 3 and even though we told her not send gifts anymore she went out to Gymboree and bought him all kinds of clothes (which we are giving away to more needy families/kids). We make roughly 2 1/2 Xs a year what she makes and we won't even shop there for clothes as its a rip off most times- even sale items are cheaper at Children's Place.But that's nada- wanting to impress w/image. My nada never saved anything for college and I took out loans and put myself through and just finished paying the loan this April 6 years out of school at 35 years old. I'm glad nada didn't pay in the long run for my school. She always complained about how she never went to school and threw away a basketball scholarship b/c her parents wouldn't help her. Granted loans weren't as easy to come by in her generation as mine and especially women back in the early 70s, but college was also much cheaper and she could've worked her way through just as I did. She needed something to be bitter about. I'm not bitter about my paying my way. I don't give her ANY credit for college except as a catalyst through her negative example of how I didn't want to be. I'm a stronger person for having paid my way and for learning what I did learn in college and never having to give credit to nada for that experience. Its all mine and all me and I'm proud of that accomplishment. But Ivy league schools are only really good if you are going into law or med or something to that effect like my SIL (went to Harvard and Hopkins medical schools). I happen to think its absurd to go to these kinds of school for elementary education.So really, I'm not at all impressed w/people who graduate Brown w/Sociology degrees or Vanderbilt w/speech therapy degrees or Rice w/elementary education or any of those fields where the education was cheaper elsewhere and the alma matter still doesn't start you off a year at more than 30K at best. Seems weird and backasswards American consumerism run amuck. Even if my kids got into Harvard and I had the money, I wouldn't pay for it if they tell me they want to be a gradeschool teacher. Its incongruent w/my value system to be so frivolous and pretentious as that though nada really Loved my SIL for going to Harvard. Ironically my SIL can't stand my mother b/c she's a psychiatrist and recognized her bpd instantly:p Touche! K > > Hi Everybody, > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way too little of it. One thing that we love to do together is watch a movie or two. Once the children were put to bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and watch a movie. It is such a special time for both of us, like this bonding time. Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like there is this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love you and appreciate you. > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops and such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's wife had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there for 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had sat. morning together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer and the stories were so different, it was like we were talking about two different people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of things and that was great. > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell him to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and shorter, b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever helps her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 years). She is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize with her. Our nada is no help except financially to them. > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she just walked into the other room. That was the other weird thing. When I have company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have coffee. So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I expected that with the three year old there would be a routine bed time and even with the one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then learn english. What the hell? It is > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but when they fully don't speak the same language it just further divides them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the place b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat back and looked at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things to do to build consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get groceries and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to spend some time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. She came back and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut and for the money, could get a huge (it was already a huge > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the love and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, exactly. > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was about college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go to three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid my sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that for me. My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I see how much difference a college degree can make and have been paying my own way. I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada set up college funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy people putting money for college for my nephews. They are incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever college they want. And then she said to me, so how are you doing with college, knowing that I don't have the money to finish the last year and a half (and she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. I told her that she knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and left. But I left > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my trip. So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into being awake for 38 hours. > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or should I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to supressed anger = I just had to get it out. > > Thanks for " listening " > > > Greg. > > > --------------------------------- > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2006 Report Share Posted October 1, 2006 Trish, Everything you wrote is exactly how I feel and see things. it is so easy as an adult to say, " That the way it is " regarding the inequity of treatment. However, to the child inside, it still is a wound. So my best revenge is success. It always has been. And it wouldn't surprise me if success was your tool of choice, as well. Thank you for your support when I was down. Take Care, Greg. tlblack2006 wrote: Oh no, Greg. I'm so sorry. I somehow missed that post yesterday when I was checking my messages--I read something that led me to believe you'd had a great trip. Eeeek. Your description of your brother's wife is so vivid I feel like I know her--or have met her before. Actually, I just left the bay area so. . ... But seriously, she sounds evil and it must be frustrating to you to see that your brother has chosen such a person as a spouse and allows her to wreak havoc on your innocent nephews and disrupt your relationship with your brother. Yuck. My younger brother is a serial dater of evil women, so I understand how those kinds of relationships can disrupt the entire family. And I also understand the complexity of feelings that come up when you see the injustices and differences in how children of BP's are raised. My parents paid nothing for my college, the once contributed $300 to a piece of crap car that I otherwise bought for myself, but only after kicking and screaming and doing everything to prevent me from driving. All this in spite of my seriously hard work throughout high school and basically my perfect behavior. But my brothers? They always had a car available to them and never had to ask or say where they were going, while I had to beg, borrow, and fenegel my way to work(bro's never had a job growing up). My parents took out their retirement fund to pay for one brother's education--he now lives at home where he is unemployed. They have also gotten into the habit of spending thousands a month for both of my unemployed bro's cars--nicer cars than I'll ever own(because I choose not to spend my $ that way) and I've worked since I was 16. The inequity is hurtful and crapy, but I often tell myself that it has to do more with how sick they are than it does with my worthiness. Also, being on my own has forced me to make my own life and separate from my parents AND be financially independant of them--which is a godsend. My brothers cannot disentangle themselves from all of this crapola untill they cut the purse strings. And I know tough times are ahead for you--paying for college alone etc. But you can do it--I've done it twice now! I've lived off of ramen noodles, slept on the floor. . .all of it. And I have to say that I'm very proud of my ability to get through it all now that it's past. And you should be too. It may take you longer and be more difficult than if mommmy-dearest financed you. . .but it's worth it. And I really do think that you are following your calling by going back to study psychology because you have such insight and attention to others. When you're on the path you're meant to take, things just have a way of working themselves out. Trish > > Hi Everybody, > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way too little of it. One thing that we love to do together is watch a movie or two. Once the children were put to bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and watch a movie. It is such a special time for both of us, like this bonding time. Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like there is this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love you and appreciate you. > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops and such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's wife had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there for 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had sat. morning together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer and the stories were so different, it was like we were talking about two different people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of things and that was great. > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell him to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and shorter, b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever helps her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 years). She is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize with her. Our nada is no help except financially to them. > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she just walked into the other room. That was the other weird thing. When I have company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have coffee. So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I expected that with the three year old there would be a routine bed time and even with the one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then learn english. What the hell? It is > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but when they fully don't speak the same language it just further divides them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the place b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat back and looked at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things to do to build consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get groceries and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to spend some time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. She came back and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut and for the money, could get a huge (it was already a huge > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the love and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, exactly. > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was about college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go to three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid my sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that for me. My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I see how much difference a college degree can make and have been paying my own way. I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada set up college funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy people putting money for college for my nephews. They are incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever college they want. And then she said to me, so how are you doing with college, knowing that I don't have the money to finish the last year and a half (and she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. I told her that she knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and left. But I left > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my trip. So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into being awake for 38 hours. > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or should I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to supressed anger = I just had to get it out. > > Thanks for " listening " > > > Greg. > > > --------------------------------- > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2006 Report Share Posted October 1, 2006 Janie, Oh My God, you just described last Christmas. Only with one small difference. They don't celebrate Christmas in China. So I flew in and my brother was so happy and had all these plans. SIL was a royal B. She didn't help or have anything to do with Christmas. And then my brother and his wife started fighting; I mean the yelling, throwing glass kind of fighting. So I left for the store and got all the stuff, including the presents for the kids. When I came back, my brother saw that he did have someone on his side to help him and we made an 8 course chistmas dinner with guests. SIL was fuming. But I was not going to have my nephews, especially my 3 year old nephew (permanent memories now) go without Santa Claus. I had so much fun with him and little 1 year old, explaining Santa and watching those old movies for kids in that funny animation. And every toy was one that was to express creativity and in no way could anyone control them, like a guitar. I blew a butt load of my inhieritance, but it was worth it. This Christmas, I am staying in Seattle. They can have their drama, but Uncle Greg is going to send some really fun, creative stuff for them. Janie, Thanks for sharing; it's amazing what we do and then learn not to do. Take Great Care, Greg. j_psmythe wrote: Greg, Sorry to hear about your trip! I have a very similar BP-ish SIL as well, and visits are very stressful, just as you described. Your story about cleaning the carpets and the bathrooms and unclogging the sinks reminded me of similar visits to my SIL. I think as a KO--even as a KO who is aware of that fact, and who is dealing with his/her nada issues--sometimes it is easy for us to fall into a pattern of trying to please another BP. And we can't win that game! And then we feel naturally so angry and frustrated at the outcome. The average person might say a " typical guest role " is offering to help with the dishes, or offering to take the family out to dinner one night. Kind of lightweight stuff. But if the BP-ish SIL is complaining about " no one helping, " then... we pitch right in, scrubbing the toilets! Then we feel disappointed when our efforts are unrecognized. A similar thing happened to me. I used to always host the holiday dinners for the extended family. One time, I think because she wanted to look good, SIL offered to host one Thanksgiving. Then she proceeded to complain to me for weeks about how much work it was, how a lot of people were coming, no one was offering to help, blah blah. So I kept offering to help her out more and more. I think I brought an appetizer, two vegetable casseroles, the cranberries and the pies, and then offered to come early to " help " her with the rest of the cooking. But when I got there, she hadn't even started, and the minute I got there, she retired to her bedroom to " rest " . I then made the other appetizers, the turkey, the stuffing, the potatoes, homemade rolls, the gravy; cleaned the kitchen, living room, dining room; set the table, made sure everyone had what they needed all afternoon. She came down just as I was finishing the gravy and about to set all the food out. She " helped " transport the food to the table, and then presided as a smiling hostess, saying how it hadnt been so bad, and that she ought to host holiday dinners more often. In retrospect it's funny, but at the time I was seething! Seeeething! And felt so unappreciated. But later I considered how I had played the game...I had rescued her and tried to please her, just as I was in the habit in younger days of rescuing or trying to please my nada. Just as I had to learn to smile and nod and not respond to my nada, I have to learn to smile and nod and not respond to people like her also. I am learning not to play a game that can't be won, that will never have a good outcome. I can see why, since you love your brother and nephews, why you would want to get along with SIL and be an agreeable guest and be liked by her. I can also see how you would be frustrated at the things you saw happening (no food, the diamond incident, no schedule, the lack of her appreciation over the diamond, etc). And, because you love your brother and nephews, seeing these things going on would naturally cause you distress. And our natural KO reaction is sometimes to try to fix things we can't fix. Or to want to control things that we can't control. What I do in those situations is try to think, What can I control here? You care about your brother and newphews, so you might think about how you can have a nice impact on their lives, regardless of SIL and her impact on them. It's all easier said than done of course. I'm sure you recognize how much your nephews will appreciate having someone like you stay involved with them! Other people have said that too. (I sure wish someone had done that in my FOO.) Welcome back from your trip. Janie --------------------------------- Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+ countries) for 2¢/min or less. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2006 Report Share Posted October 1, 2006 Lizzy, My parents did something similar to yours. From 6-10 there was no food regularly. And lunch money would go to my brother and not to me. So the cashier at the school, Cassie, would wait until she closed out her til and then feed me in the back for free. Angels come in human form sometimes. What our parents did keeps reminding me of the craziness of the concentration camps. Greg. lizzyboo81 wrote: Kyla, Greg ,Kerri and All, Kerri I love what you said about the crow and the peacock that is soo sooo true. So often not only with the bp but people in general you see them throw money around and not save a dime! Just the other day we were talking about how I can't wait to go back to school. Anyways I am still very young only just turned 25 and this other lady was over 40 but we have our children the same age and she said " well by the time you get started with school it will be pretty much too late! " As she is telling how she is still paying off her loans and doesn't even have a job to show for! My aunt who is her neighbor and 5-10 years younger than her looked at her and said " really I already have my kids collage paid for and no, Lizzy is not to old to start collage I was 25 when I started and now I have a good job and I save my money " . But this neighbor loves to flaunt $$$$$ it makes me sick. She like many others would rather show off and have nothing rather than be realistic! I don't care if I do have loans so what I will get a job and pay them off so long as I don't have to go through my parents I am fine. I have a bank for that! And BYW I am a firm believer it is never to late to learn anything! I wanted to pick up the piano this past spring and a friend of mine and dh who is a dean at the collage here in the state I live said to me I should do it and she told me of a female student she has who is 60 and just starting the piano! She said you are never to old to learn anything that you want if you do it for yourself. I found these words inspiring. About the food thing I know I have said this here before but I recall one house we lived in (we moved alot because my dad was into design, architecture and building) but one house we lived in for about 4 years my mom never cooked even one meal. She never even packed my school lunch or prepared me a bowl of cereal in the morning. I think I lived of peaches and cream oat meal for breakfast lunch meat sandwiches for lunch. Plus I had really bad migraines and seizures and the medication I was taking made people " gain weight " . I was thin and survived on what I knew how to cook my self at age 6-10. I was always underweight and some years I even was losing weight instead of gaining like normal children I always looked sick and mal-nutritious Every bone stuck out and I have dark rings around my eyes. Then my sister was born in the mix. My sister was just more out spoken she would bellow out " I want Mcs " and they would take her almost every day. Not me just her. This pattern continued for years. The took her to fruggen Mc's all the time but not me. Then one day after my mom stopped her 6 year affair (just one of many affairs) she decided to cook one day and she made steaks on the grill. I ate and ate and ate till the cows came home. (no pun intended) My parents thought something was wrong with me I was about 12. No nothing was wrong with me but if you cook the children will eat! Shortly after that something my nada did start that was nice was a Sunday dinner and she usually made steaks or a big roast. But this never happened until I was a teen. The dinners were surprisingly peaceful and fairly good memories some of the very few. Not that her cooking was the best I still think she was a pretty rotten cook lol. any body can dump a box of instant mashed potatoes and a box of rice a roni and canned beans. But that was what we had every Sunday pretty much after she discovered we would eat if she would cook maybe 14 years into being a mother! So yes the cooking and lack of food this bothers me tremendously. I think that is why I strive to be not a good cook, not a great cook, but an excellent cook. When my grandma or mother in law teaches me a recipe I have to master it so when people try it they say wow this is good this is better than so and so's. Then I can think in my mind yes I know and my mom can't cook so I didn't get this from her! I tell people all the time my grandma (dad's mom) and my MIL are the ones who have helped me in the kitchen. I buy cookbooks like cooking healthy, cooking Asian, I subscribe to cooking magazines and health magazines . One thing I did that I am most proud of was I even had a cook book published for a non profit organization it had lots of healthy foods and lots of ethnic foods from 10+ different cultures! This cooking is a HUGE deal to me if you can't tell… I guess you can say it is a flea;) I just want my family to be fed healthy and enough. I buy the right foods I study healthy eating. I want my family to be raised right and not the way I was raised. I wish no child needs to go through that ever. That is my wish. Love Lizzy > > > > Hi Everybody, > > > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, > angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit > with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my > brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way > too little of it. One thing that we love to do together is watch a > movie or two. Once the children were put to bed, my brother and I > would go downstairs and watch a movie. It is such a special time for > both of us, like this bonding time. Everything feels safe in the > world and it feels like there is this energy that flows back and > forth that just says I love you and appreciate you. > > > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops and > such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's wife > had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my > nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go to > a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there for > 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had > sat. morning together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer and > the stories were so different, it was like we were talking about two > different people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same page > about a lot of things and that was great. > > > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell him > to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and shorter, > b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever helps > her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 years). > She is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize > with her. Our nada is no help except financially to them. > > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially > with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the > bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is > very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother > brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she just > walked into the other room. That was the other weird thing. When I > have company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have > coffee. So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I expected > that with the three year old there would be a routine bed time and > even with the one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and then > get up at 6 a.m. Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like > my sister-in-law feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three > year old is learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is > learning just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn > then learn english. What the hell? It is > > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but > when they fully don't speak the same language it just further divides > them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the place > b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat back > and looked at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are > exhuasted and a year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things to > do to build consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't > yell any more but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - > flea big time. Actually, now that i have written this out, most of > it was fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th > anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get groceries > and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to spend some > time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. She came back > and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut and for the money, > could get a huge (it was already a huge > > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the > diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is > never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the love > and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, > exactly. > > > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was about > college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go to > three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid my > sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that for > me. My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I see > how much difference a college degree can make and have been paying my > own way. I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada set > up college funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six > wealthy people putting money for college for my nephews. They are > incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever college > they want. And then she said to me, so how are you doing with > college, knowing that I don't have the money to finish the last year > and a half (and she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. I > told her that she knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and > packed my stuff and left. But I left > > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my trip. > So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into being > awake for 38 hours. > > > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or should > I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to supressed > anger = I just had to get it out. > > > > Thanks for " listening " > > > > > > Greg. > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2006 Report Share Posted October 1, 2006 Greg, (By the way, the earlier double post, is because my screen froze after the first one, and it appeared to be lost. Not trying to repeat myself haha.) Ohhhhhh, sounds like a charming Christmas. (Shudder) But for your nephews, I'm sure it was such a nice thing to have you there! Our SILs are quite similar in another way. She, too, is from a culture that doesn't celebrate Christmas. The first--and last--Xmas we spent " with " them was as follows: We woke up Xmas morning (at our home). Our kids opened presents, then we all piled in the car for the three-hour drive to their place. Kids were so excited to be seeing their cousins--they didn't even mind leaving their toys and making the long drive. We got there, and within half an hour, SIL took " her " husband and kids to her family's place. Her family doesn't do Christmas! They don't give a rip about Christmas! She sees her family several times a week. And yet she left us there alone, on Christmas day. Our kids were horribly disappointed, and absolutely didn't understand why their cousins had to visit their " other " cousins (whom they see every week) and not them, who had traveled a long way just to see them. They never came back until well into the night. So we spent Xmas in a deserted house--with very sad kids and nothing for dinner! I scrounged for something to make them, but it was not a " Xmas dinner " type thing. It was so horrible, it was almost comic. I mean, even by SIL's standards, this was especially outrageous, and DH and I couldn't believe she really did it (nor could we believe that brother had gone along with it--another " brother who needs to grow some balls " ). But I was really angry on behalf of my kids. It's like, they valued driving a long way to see their cousins above staying at home and playing with their toys. And in return, they got the message (via their aunt) that their visit was utterly worthless. I certainly am not surprised you want to stay in Seattle after the Xmas you had. Janie (hoping the screen does not freeze again) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2006 Report Share Posted October 1, 2006 Greg,I keep thinking about your SIL this weekend, one thing that bothers me is… Why does she feel entitled to get help from everybody in the first place? I can see why if somebody is having a hard time they need help and a shoulder to lean on but give me a break. From what I understand it sounds as though she is complaining that the family doesn't drop it all and pander to her wants so she can sit around. I have a family member like this she is a little bit of a poop and her husband (my in-law) is a big poop to say the least. I can't stand him. It drives me nuts because they feel entitled and are unhappy for other peoples good news or happy times. I can't even feel comfortable telling them when we get something good in our lives because they won't be happy for us they will only complain they need more. And they need help watching their kid cleaning shopping blablab. Makes me sick. I have 2 kids and I can function I can shop by my self and clean my own gosh darn floors. I don't need my cancer grandma to do it, or in your case back problem BIL to do it. NOT FAIR OR RIGHT~ HELLO! I just don't see why if you come to visit why should you clean her floors if you are her guest? You just traveled and you have back pain. If you were my guest I would be making you a specialty coffee having you kick up your feet and make sure there was something fresh coming out of the oven! My house would be tidy in advance and that way I would have time to sit back and relax. Sometime when dh and I have friends spend the night, girls get the bedroom boys take the living room and girls stay up watching chick flix boys play games all night long. Girls bake and paint toes but I don't ever ask my guest or expect my guest to cook or clean it is all very laid back! I just don't understand maybe it is better this way. So next time I think you are having a good idea giving them less control you will have to think this through carefully. Set up guide lines so they don't drive you up a wall! But maybe you are on to something at least you wouldn't be her personal house keeper that way! Love Lizzy > > > > Hi Everybody, > > > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, > angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit > with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my > brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way > too little of it. One thing that we love to do together is watch a > movie or two. Once the children were put to bed, my brother and I > would go downstairs and watch a movie. It is such a special time for > both of us, like this bonding time. Everything feels safe in the > world and it feels like there is this energy that flows back and > forth that just says I love you and appreciate you. > > > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops and > such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's wife > had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my > nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go to > a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there for > 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had > sat. morning together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer and > the stories were so different, it was like we were talking about two > different people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same page > about a lot of things and that was great. > > > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell him > to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and shorter, > b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever helps > her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 years). > She is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize > with her. Our nada is no help except financially to them. > > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially > with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the > bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is > very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother > brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she just > walked into the other room. That was the other weird thing. When I > have company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have > coffee. So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I expected > that with the three year old there would be a routine bed time and > even with the one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and then > get up at 6 a.m. Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like > my sister-in-law feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three > year old is learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is > learning just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn > then learn english. What the hell? It is > > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but > when they fully don't speak the same language it just further divides > them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the place > b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat back > and looked at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are > exhuasted and a year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things to > do to build consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't > yell any more but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - > flea big time. Actually, now that i have written this out, most of > it was fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th > anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get groceries > and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to spend some > time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. She came back > and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut and for the money, > could get a huge (it was already a huge > > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the > diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is > never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the love > and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, > exactly. > > > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was about > college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go to > three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid my > sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that for > me. My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I see > how much difference a college degree can make and have been paying my > own way. I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada set > up college funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six > wealthy people putting money for college for my nephews. They are > incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever college > they want. And then she said to me, so how are you doing with > college, knowing that I don't have the money to finish the last year > and a half (and she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. I > told her that she knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and > packed my stuff and left. But I left > > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my trip. > So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into being > awake for 38 hours. > > > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or should > I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to supressed > anger = I just had to get it out. > > > > Thanks for " listening " > > > > > > Greg. > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 2, 2006 Report Share Posted October 2, 2006 Greg,you said, " Angels come in human form sometimes. " How true, I am glad at least somebody would watch over your little soul and body. Thank God she was there to see you and took compassion when your parents wouldn't. I think of my neighbor girl's mom and how she would let me in the house in the dead of winter, so cold when I had no way to get in the house it was below freezing sometimes below 0. My mom would be in the bars with her boyfriends and I had no place to go. She took me in the house when I didn't have a key and she would feed me and let me play. She was my angel. I know she doesn't know the impact she had and I hope someday I can share that with her. I think my chance is coming soon to tell her. Love Lizzy > > > > > > Hi Everybody, > > > > > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, > > angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit > > with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my > > brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way > > too little of it. One thing that we love to do together is watch > a > > movie or two. Once the children were put to bed, my brother and I > > would go downstairs and watch a movie. It is such a special time > for > > both of us, like this bonding time. Everything feels safe in the > > world and it feels like there is this energy that flows back and > > forth that just says I love you and appreciate you. > > > > > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops > and > > such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's > wife > > had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my > > nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go > to > > a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there > for > > 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had > > sat. morning together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer > and > > the stories were so different, it was like we were talking about > two > > different people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same > page > > about a lot of things and that was great. > > > > > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell > him > > to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and > shorter, > > b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > > > > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever > helps > > her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 > years). > > She is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize > > with her. Our nada is no help except financially to them. > > > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially > > with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the > > bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is > > very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother > > brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she > just > > walked into the other room. That was the other weird thing. When > I > > have company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have > > coffee. So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I > expected > > that with the three year old there would be a routine bed time and > > even with the one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and > then > > get up at 6 a.m. Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's > like > > my sister-in-law feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the > three > > year old is learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is > > learning just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three > adn > > then learn english. What the hell? It is > > > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but > > when they fully don't speak the same language it just further > divides > > them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the > place > > b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat > back > > and looked at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are > > exhuasted and a year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things > to > > do to build consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother > doesn't > > yell any more but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - > > flea big time. Actually, now that i have written this out, most > of > > it was fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th > > anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get groceries > > and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to spend some > > time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. She came > back > > and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut and for the money, > > could get a huge (it was already a huge > > > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the > > diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is > > never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the > love > > and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, > > exactly. > > > > > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was > about > > college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go > to > > three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid > my > > sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that > for > > me. My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I > see > > how much difference a college degree can make and have been paying > my > > own way. I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada > set > > up college funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have > six > > wealthy people putting money for college for my nephews. They are > > incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever > college > > they want. And then she said to me, so how are you doing with > > college, knowing that I don't have the money to finish the last > year > > and a half (and she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. > I > > told her that she knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and > > packed my stuff and left. But I left > > > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my > trip. > > So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into > being > > awake for 38 hours. > > > > > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or > should > > I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > > > > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to > supressed > > anger = I just had to get it out. > > > > > > Thanks for " listening " > > > > > > > > > Greg. > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 2, 2006 Report Share Posted October 2, 2006 Janie, HOly Cow! That is beyond the limit! Yep, our SIL are very similar. I feel for you and your family, especially your children. They deserve better than her insanity. Next Chirstmas, you could invite them to your house and when they arrive, have your dh go out and deflate two of their car tires, so SIL can't control everything. hahhaha. Have a tire pump, but take hours to find it so the kids can play. hahaha. Gotta get creative with these psychos. Greg. j_psmythe wrote: Greg, (By the way, the earlier double post, is because my screen froze after the first one, and it appeared to be lost. Not trying to repeat myself haha.) Ohhhhhh, sounds like a charming Christmas. (Shudder) But for your nephews, I'm sure it was such a nice thing to have you there! Our SILs are quite similar in another way. She, too, is from a culture that doesn't celebrate Christmas. The first--and last--Xmas we spent " with " them was as follows: We woke up Xmas morning (at our home). Our kids opened presents, then we all piled in the car for the three-hour drive to their place. Kids were so excited to be seeing their cousins--they didn't even mind leaving their toys and making the long drive. We got there, and within half an hour, SIL took " her " husband and kids to her family's place. Her family doesn't do Christmas! They don't give a rip about Christmas! She sees her family several times a week. And yet she left us there alone, on Christmas day. Our kids were horribly disappointed, and absolutely didn't understand why their cousins had to visit their " other " cousins (whom they see every week) and not them, who had traveled a long way just to see them. They never came back until well into the night. So we spent Xmas in a deserted house--with very sad kids and nothing for dinner! I scrounged for something to make them, but it was not a " Xmas dinner " type thing. It was so horrible, it was almost comic. I mean, even by SIL's standards, this was especially outrageous, and DH and I couldn't believe she really did it (nor could we believe that brother had gone along with it--another " brother who needs to grow some balls " ). But I was really angry on behalf of my kids. It's like, they valued driving a long way to see their cousins above staying at home and playing with their toys. And in return, they got the message (via their aunt) that their visit was utterly worthless. I certainly am not surprised you want to stay in Seattle after the Xmas you had. Janie (hoping the screen does not freeze again) --------------------------------- All-new Yahoo! Mail - Fire up a more powerful email and get things done faster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 2, 2006 Report Share Posted October 2, 2006 Lizzy, I an thankful that you had her, too. I have to remind myself sometimes of hte good in people and remember God/Higher Power/Creator... Greg. lizzyboo81 wrote: Greg,you said, " Angels come in human form sometimes. " How true, I am glad at least somebody would watch over your little soul and body. Thank God she was there to see you and took compassion when your parents wouldn't. I think of my neighbor girl's mom and how she would let me in the house in the dead of winter, so cold when I had no way to get in the house it was below freezing sometimes below 0. My mom would be in the bars with her boyfriends and I had no place to go. She took me in the house when I didn't have a key and she would feed me and let me play. She was my angel. I know she doesn't know the impact she had and I hope someday I can share that with her. I think my chance is coming soon to tell her. Love Lizzy > > > > > > Hi Everybody, > > > > > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, > > angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The visit > > with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. And my > > brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful time, but way > > too little of it. One thing that we love to do together is watch > a > > movie or two. Once the children were put to bed, my brother and I > > would go downstairs and watch a movie. It is such a special time > for > > both of us, like this bonding time. Everything feels safe in the > > world and it feels like there is this energy that flows back and > > forth that just says I love you and appreciate you. > > > > > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops > and > > such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My brother's > wife > > had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party for one of my > > nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, Sunday, was to go > to > > a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was only going to be there > for > > 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day thing and my brother and I had > > sat. morning together to catch up on nada and her breast cancer > and > > the stories were so different, it was like we were talking about > two > > different people. nada is such a liar. So we got on the same > page > > about a lot of things and that was great. > > > > > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell > him > > to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and > shorter, > > b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red Flag. > > > > > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever > helps > > her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in 3 > years). > > She is from China and separated from her family. So I sympathize > > with her. Our nada is no help except financially to them. > > > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially > > with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned the > > bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home and is > > very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my brother > > brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is asking, she > just > > walked into the other room. That was the other weird thing. When > I > > have company/family visit, I buy groceries. They didn't even have > > coffee. So the kids are hungry and their is no routine. I > expected > > that with the three year old there would be a routine bed time and > > even with the one year old. These kids are up until 11 pm and > then > > get up at 6 a.m. Their bodies and minds need more sleep. It's > like > > my sister-in-law feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the > three > > year old is learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is > > learning just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three > adn > > then learn english. What the hell? It is > > > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but > > when they fully don't speak the same language it just further > divides > > them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all over the > place > > b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At times, I just sat > back > > and looked at how the kids are controlling them. Both of them are > > exhuasted and a year ago, at their asking, I made a list of things > to > > do to build consistancy and a schedule. Nothing. My brother > doesn't > > yell any more but my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - > > flea big time. Actually, now that i have written this out, most > of > > it was fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th > > anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get groceries > > and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to spend some > > time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. She came > back > > and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut and for the money, > > could get a huge (it was already a huge > > > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the > > diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here is > > never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about the > love > > and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he said, yeah, > > exactly. > > > > > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was > about > > college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards to go > to > > three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my dad even paid > my > > sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. He never did that > for > > me. My brother didn't have to work growing up adn I did. So I > see > > how much difference a college degree can make and have been paying > my > > own way. I left a day early when his wife told me that my nada > set > > up college funds for their kids. This is great b/c they now have > six > > wealthy people putting money for college for my nephews. They are > > incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever > college > > they want. And then she said to me, so how are you doing with > > college, knowing that I don't have the money to finish the last > year > > and a half (and she had that sick smile that my nada had). flea. > I > > told her that she knew the answer to that and I went upstairs and > > packed my stuff and left. But I left > > > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my > trip. > > So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned into > being > > awake for 38 hours. > > > > > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or > should > > I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > > > > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to > supressed > > anger = I just had to get it out. > > > > > > Thanks for " listening " > > > > > > > > > Greg. > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 2, 2006 Report Share Posted October 2, 2006 Bingo, Shana! You nailed it -- My nada plays that martyr game, too! Complains about being used up for free nursing care by her own tightwad, elderly mother, but yet nada rushes to her side to do it for weeks at a time. It conveniently gets her out of family events, including my college graduation. (can't have me be the center of attention, now, can we?) She loves to get sympathy from people for it, but the truth is: it's her hiding place from the world. When my grandmother passes away, my nada is going to be left with wondering what to do with the rest of her life. She has successfully avoided venturing out into the world by being the one-woman " Medical Crisis Team " . Will be interesting to see what happens once her excuse is removed. > > Greg, I'm glad you left early!! (Sorry about having to go back for the computer, though, bummer.) > > Reading your post, as soon as I heard " the Wiggles " I just thought.... uh-oh. I SO know those kind of moms that are so controlling they keep their kids whooshed off for stupid planned events even during a family visit. Like, they're doing it mostly just to prove a point about how hard they have it and how hard they work and how rushed they are, and they're putting on a big show of too-busy-to-relax-with-you, uggghhhh! > > And then all the rest of her behavior, all those fleas... it just sounds awful! > > I mean, I can sympathize as there are few things in life more exhausting than having a 1 year-old AND a 3 year-old... I could even cut slack on being out of groceries when you arrive, but to go food shopping and not return with the food??? That's just creepy. > > In fact, your sister-in-law sounds creepy (no offense!) -- and nada-like and I really hope that, as your nephews get older, you and your brother and your nephews will start taking guy-only vacations together (like camping and stuff.) > > Your nephews are lucky to have you in their lives -- my favorite uncle always was and is now a hugely important relationship for me, especially growing up with such a psycho nada, and he always made time for me and I always appreciated it. > > Sorry it went so badly -- and please get some rest! > > Shana > > Vent and Advice > To: wtoadultchildren1 > > > Hi Everybody, > > > > It's good to be back. I am feeling tired (physically), sad, > > angry, and like I am looking reality right in the face. The > > visit with my two nephews, 3 and 1 years old, was wonderful. > > And my brother, who is 2 years older, and I had a wonderful > > time, but way too little of it. One thing that we love to do > > together is watch a movie or two. Once the children were put to > > bed, my brother and I would go downstairs and watch a movie. It > > is such a special time for both of us, like this bonding time. > > Everything feels safe in the world and it feels like there is > > this energy that flows back and forth that just says I love you > > and appreciate you. > > > > I drove down = 12 hours driving time but really 14 with stops > > and such. So I was tired when I arrived late Friday. My > > brother's wife had the weekend planned to go to a birthday party > > for one of my nephews' friends, etc., and then that next day, > > Sunday, was to go to a Wiggles carnival/show. They knew I was > > only going to be there for 3-4 days. I declined on the b-day > > thing and my brother and I had sat. morning together to catch up > > on nada and her breast cancer and the stories were so different, > > it was like we were talking about two different people. nada is > > such a liar. So we got on the same page about a lot of things > > and that was great. > > > > Each night, my brother's wife would come down stairs and tell > > him to come to bed; that precious time kept getting shorter and > > shorter, b/c she said that she couldn't sleep without him. Red > > Flag. > > > > My brother's wife also keeps complaining that nobody ever > > helps her (outside their family -= but this was my 14th visit in > > 3 years). She is from China and separated from her family. So > > I sympathize with her. Our nada is no help except financially > > to them. > > They have white carpet and every trip I shampoo it, espcially > > with my 3 year old nephew learning to potty train. I cleaned > > the bathrooms, unclogged two sinks, etc. My brother comes home > > and is very appreciative. His wife didn't say a word. When my > > brother brought it up - how much I helped out, like she is > > asking, she just walked into the other room. That was the other > > weird thing. When I have company/family visit, I buy groceries. > > They didn't even have coffee. So the kids are hungry and their > > is no routine. I expected that with the three year old there > > would be a routine bed time and even with the one year old. > > These kids are up until 11 pm and then get up at 6 a.m. Their > > bodies and minds need more sleep. It's like my sister-in-law > > feeds on chaos. This is the other thing: the three year old is > > learning both chinese and english. the 1 year old is learning > > just chinese. her plan is to do this until he is three adn then > > learn english. What the hell? It is > > hard enough when a new baby comes along for the older one, but > > when they fully don't speak the same language it just further > > divides them. This really made me angry. Dinner time is all > > over the place b/c they don't sit at the table and eat. At > > times, I just sat back and looked at how the kids are > > controlling them. Both of them are exhuasted and a year ago, at > > their asking, I made a list of things to do to build consistancy > > and a schedule. Nothing. My brother doesn't yell any more but > > my sister-in-law does and this just got to me - flea big time. > > Actually, now that i have written this out, most of it was > > fleas. My brother bought his wife a 's diamond 10th > > anniversary ring. My brother and I were going to go get > > groceries and she said no she would do it. So I actually got to > > spend some time with my nephews and my brother. we had a blast. > > She came back and said that Costco had a similar diamond cut > > and for the money, could get a huge (it was already a huge > > diamond) diamond. By the time she was done looking at the > > diamonds there, the store had closed = no food. the flea here > > is never satisfied. and the really gross thing is what about > > the love and thoughfullness? i told my brother that and he > > said, yeah, exactly. > > > > My biggest button, one that we agreed to not discuss, was > > about college b/c my dad and nada gave my brother platinum cards > > to go to three ivy league schools. The fourth, in Europe, my > > dad even paid my sister-in-laws' tuition and living expenses. > > He never did that for me. My brother didn't have to work > > growing up adn I did. So I see how much difference a college > > degree can make and have been paying my own way. I left a day > > early when his wife told me that my nada set up college funds > > for their kids. This is great b/c they now have six wealthy > > people putting money for college for my nephews. They are > > incredibly intelligent and will have their pick of what ever > > college they want. And then she said to me, so how are you > > doing with college, knowing that I don't have the money to > > finish the last year and a half (and she had that sick smile > > that my nada had). flea. I told her that she knew the answer > > to that and I went upstairs and packed my stuff and left. But I left > > is such a hurry that I forgot my computer 150 miles into my > > trip. So I had to go back and get it. So a 14 hour trip turned > > into being awake for 38 hours. > > > > So I am very clear where I stand in my brother's family or > > should I say my sister-in-laws' family. > > > > I feel so disloyal writing this, but my anxiety due to > > supressed anger = I just had to get it out. > > > > Thanks for " listening " > > > > > > Greg. > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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