What is a Mother- WASRe: Dealing w/ family member's denial and with my own fleas

[Guest guest]

Before I knew about BPD I used to think that mothers didn't really exist. I

thought the concept was so strange and so loaded and so mythical really that

being a mother must obscure being a real woman- that the two creatures

cannot exist peacfully in the same room. This is one of the reasons I love

Amy Tan, especially the Joy Luck Club. She seemed confused about mothers

too. There is one part where she protests telling others about her own

mother saying that she didn't really know her mother because of their

relationship. I used to think it must be that way for all daughers. It was

impossible to tell where the mother ended and the person who came before she

was a mother began- that the mothering or attempt at it consumed all of her

up. And of course these were just real women who had children so that meant

they weren't the mother's we all expected they were flawed and human and

everyone must be disapointed.

Now that I know about BPD I wonder about my assessment. I don't know if

this is how it might be or if this is only how it is for mothers who are

Nadas.

-Ata

>

> I've been lurking here for only a few days and hadn't planned to post

> yet, but I couldn't help it when I read the last part of this post ...

> I too have a HF, UBP mother who sounds very similar to yours --

> although I haven't gotten to the point of " not pretending " with her

> anymore (kudos to you). I have 2 kids, age 3 and 1, and my greatest

> fear was that I would do to them what she did to me ... I wasn't even

> sure I wanted to have kids (but my husband was) and spent my first

> pregnancy in a terrible depression mostly because of these fears.

> But after my son was born, it didn't take long for me to realize that

> wasn't going to happen -- the love I felt for him from the start was

> so real, and so untainted by any kind of negative feelings, and pretty

> soon I began to feel confident in my mothering skills (and like you,

> for me even " mother " is a loaded word). I feel sad that my mother

> didn't teach me anything about mothering except how NOT to do it --

> but she didn't have to. The beauty of it is, if you are capable of

> seeing your children as wonderful individuals with their own rights

> and idiosyncrasies and personal autonomy, rather than extensions of

> you or pawns for you to manipulate against their father (or whatever

> your mother did with you), you WILL be able to have a healthy,

> securely attached (but not overly protective) relationship with them.

> That's not to say I don't feel anxious and disappointed with myself

> when I get frustrated with the kids -- but you know what, babies and

> toddlers (and I'm sure older kids too!) can be really frustrating and

> everyone loses their cool sometimes. The difference is that you KNOW

> when you're losing your cool, you take steps to try to prevent it

> (time out or whatever), and if you do snap at them you do it ONCE

> rather than ranting and raving for days on end (and you apologize

> afterwards). The fact that you are even aware that you don't want to

> be that way is the best sign that it won't happen. (My mother still

> thinks she is, and always was, a great mother.)

> You didn't say how old your baby is -- but soon you will have a

> brand-new storehouse of happy memories of your wonderful times with

> him and all the cute things he says and does. The really sad thing is,

> I am still sometimes surprised at the depth of my kids' love for me --

> the way the baby climbs in my lap and kisses me, or how my son has

> recently taken to declaring " Mommy is my best friend " -- because I

> feel so little love for my own mother.

> In the meantime, it might help to have a friend come over occasionally

> to help you out when your husband isn't around. Do you have friends

> with young kids? Watching them, too, will help you get a reality check

> on how non-BPs relate to their babies, and help you feel more

> confident that you're on the right track.

> Sorry for the long response, but you touched a chord in me. I hope

> this helps at all --

> Ruth

>

>

> > OK sorry to be so long winded, but the other problem I'm dealing with

> > is very hard to discuss.

> > I'm so scared I'm going to be mean to my son!

> > Sometimes, especially when I'm tired I feel like I'm losing my

> > patience with him.

> > I would rather die than know I ever inflicted any harm to him, and

> > I've gone to counseling and discussed this.

> > But I need to know if anyone can anyone relate?

> > I want to be a good mother, but the word mother is so laden with bad

> > connotations...where do I go with all this?

> > How have you dealt with this?

> > My husband is hardly ever home, and i don't have my family to help,

> > and neither does he.

> > So sometimes I worry I can get overwhelmed easily, and that's a set up

> > for repeating the patterns I've seen.

> > Late at night when I'm up tending to my baby, it's like my mind is

> > haunted with flashbacks of the horrible things Nada did to me, things

> > I had forgotten or didn't realize had happnened. It's like having a

> > baby openned up a vault of memories that had been locked away for years.

> > Help!

> > Carry

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ata this is such a good point. I'm sure that mother-daughter

relationships are always complicated, complex and intense, but when

your nada is a BP, I think it adds something to it for sure. But

you're right, I think, in wondering if anyone can really know their

mother outside of the role she played in his or her life. I have not

read the book, but have seen the movie and I really enjoyed how these

women who seem so foreign, strange and even catty and evil had such

amazing lives and showed such strength in their personal histories.

It's very hard for me to think of my own mother in that light.

Trish

> >

> > I've been lurking here for only a few days and hadn't planned

to post

> > yet, but I couldn't help it when I read the last part of this post ...

> > I too have a HF, UBP mother who sounds very similar to yours --

> > although I haven't gotten to the point of " not pretending " with her

> > anymore (kudos to you). I have 2 kids, age 3 and 1, and my greatest

> > fear was that I would do to them what she did to me ... I wasn't even

> > sure I wanted to have kids (but my husband was) and spent my first

> > pregnancy in a terrible depression mostly because of these fears.

> > But after my son was born, it didn't take long for me to realize that

> > wasn't going to happen -- the love I felt for him from the start was

> > so real, and so untainted by any kind of negative feelings, and pretty

> > soon I began to feel confident in my mothering skills (and like you,

> > for me even " mother " is a loaded word). I feel sad that my mother

> > didn't teach me anything about mothering except how NOT to do it --

> > but she didn't have to. The beauty of it is, if you are capable of

> > seeing your children as wonderful individuals with their own rights

> > and idiosyncrasies and personal autonomy, rather than extensions of

> > you or pawns for you to manipulate against their father (or whatever

> > your mother did with you), you WILL be able to have a healthy,

> > securely attached (but not overly protective) relationship with them.

> > That's not to say I don't feel anxious and disappointed with myself

> > when I get frustrated with the kids -- but you know what, babies and

> > toddlers (and I'm sure older kids too!) can be really frustrating and

> > everyone loses their cool sometimes. The difference is that you KNOW

> > when you're losing your cool, you take steps to try to prevent it

> > (time out or whatever), and if you do snap at them you do it ONCE

> > rather than ranting and raving for days on end (and you apologize

> > afterwards). The fact that you are even aware that you don't want to

> > be that way is the best sign that it won't happen. (My mother still

> > thinks she is, and always was, a great mother.)

> > You didn't say how old your baby is -- but soon you will have a

> > brand-new storehouse of happy memories of your wonderful times with

> > him and all the cute things he says and does. The really sad thing is,

> > I am still sometimes surprised at the depth of my kids' love for me --

> > the way the baby climbs in my lap and kisses me, or how my son has

> > recently taken to declaring " Mommy is my best friend " -- because I

> > feel so little love for my own mother.

> > In the meantime, it might help to have a friend come over occasionally

> > to help you out when your husband isn't around. Do you have friends

> > with young kids? Watching them, too, will help you get a reality check

> > on how non-BPs relate to their babies, and help you feel more

> > confident that you're on the right track.

> > Sorry for the long response, but you touched a chord in me. I hope

> > this helps at all --

> > Ruth

> >

> >

> > > OK sorry to be so long winded, but the other problem I'm dealing

with

> > > is very hard to discuss.

> > > I'm so scared I'm going to be mean to my son!

> > > Sometimes, especially when I'm tired I feel like I'm losing my

> > > patience with him.

> > > I would rather die than know I ever inflicted any harm to him, and

> > > I've gone to counseling and discussed this.

> > > But I need to know if anyone can anyone relate?

> > > I want to be a good mother, but the word mother is so laden with bad

> > > connotations...where do I go with all this?

> > > How have you dealt with this?

> > > My husband is hardly ever home, and i don't have my family to help,

> > > and neither does he.

> > > So sometimes I worry I can get overwhelmed easily, and that's a

set up

> > > for repeating the patterns I've seen.

> > > Late at night when I'm up tending to my baby, it's like my mind is

> > > haunted with flashbacks of the horrible things Nada did to me,

things

> > > I had forgotten or didn't realize had happnened. It's like having a

> > > baby openned up a vault of memories that had been locked away

for years.

> > > Help!

> > > Carry

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>