Guest guest Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 Wow, that's weird! I don't know how I'd react if a close friend said something like that to me. Sounds like she's got a little attitude thrown in there about it, too! My first instinct would probably be to get pulled into defending myself or trying to convince her that no, what I've just said ISN'T suspect because of a, b and c... but what if you just let her keep her (admittedly strange) position that what you just said is suspect? Just kind of agree with her and say, maybe it is, and then either continue as if she'd never said it, or move on to another topic? It sounds like for some uknowable reason she's kind of looking to put you on the defensive about seemingly unimportant matters. I think this is one of those situations where you can't control the behavior, you can only control your response to it... and maybe if she doesn't get the usual payoff she'll knock it off! I can really empathize with the panic-response, though. Anytime someone flat-out challenges something I know to be true -- especially if they're a little confrontational about it -- I immediately feel incredibly guilty and wrong and terrified that some awful punishment is about to happen! Shana Need your feedback on this To: WTOAdultChildren1 > I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring conversation with a > friend; > it is a long term relationship with a lot of supportive history. > We > recognize that we are two very different people who are > supportive of > each other. > > The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we are having a > conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I find that > very > suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets haughty and > repeats, > I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it could not > be that > way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross examined, put > on the > witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland and not > really > worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this? > > Thanks for your thoughts, mg > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 Whoa! what the heck? That's a pretty weird thing to say. If she's a good friend, perhaps you could talk to her about it and let her know how you feel about it. But out of curiousity, is she suspicious of your interpretation of events or your actual recalling of events? Because, for example, if you said, " I think so and so was angry with me because she said X " and your friend finds it suspect, she's not saying you're lying, just that you've miss-interpreted. But if you say, " so-and-so said X and then did Y " and she doesn't believe you then it's kind of odd. Anyway, without knowing more, I can't really give a real opinion on the matter, but I can say that if one of my friends said that to me, I'd probably get annoyed and want to talk about it or spend less time with the person. Trish > > I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring conversation with a friend; > it is a long term relationship with a lot of supportive history. We > recognize that we are two very different people who are supportive of > each other. > > The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we are having a > conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I find that very > suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets haughty and repeats, > I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it could not be that > way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross examined, put on the > witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland and not really > worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this? > > Thanks for your thoughts, mg > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 Since she does it often, it's fair to say " Well, you tend to see suspicious things more than most. " Or words to that effect -- that put a little spotlight on her peculiar habit. It does sound like she's trying to gig you a little. I'd ignore it and move on. If she keeps doing it, you can ask her not to say it anymore (honoring yourself and your needs). Keep an eye on it -- time will tell if you really enjoy baring your soul to her. Good luck! Kyla > > I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring conversation with a friend; > it is a long term relationship with a lot of supportive history. We > recognize that we are two very different people who are supportive of > each other. > > The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we are having a > conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I find that very > suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets haughty and repeats, > I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it could not be that > way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross examined, put on the > witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland and not really > worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this? > > Thanks for your thoughts, mg > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 That's just totally WEIRD. In fact weird is the first thing that popped in my mind. Second thing that popped in my mind is that she saw it on some tv show or heard someone say it and thought it was a cool saying b/c she didn't understand it and now she feels 'smart' using that term. Either way, that's just weird. Why would she not believe it happened that way? With friends like that, who needs enemies as they say. K > > I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring conversation with a friend; > it is a long term relationship with a lot of supportive history. We > recognize that we are two very different people who are supportive of > each other. > > The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we are having a > conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I find that very > suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets haughty and repeats, > I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it could not be that > way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross examined, put on the > witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland and not really > worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this? > > Thanks for your thoughts, mg > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 Hi MG, You have already received some very good advice. I can understand how you feel, because your friend is really not answering your question. And as a KO, we are extra sensitive about these things. To add to the advice, here are my suggestions - change the wording of your question. Instead of asking 'what do you mean', ask her, 'why do you think it is suspect'. (I find asking such a question in a curious, non defensive way to also be helpful.) Another thing you could do is to just say, " Oh, well I don't (think it is suspect). And then just either continue the conversation or change the subject. I particularly like asking people 'why', because then they have to take the time to explain themselves, or they themselves may feel a bit foolish for saying something just to say it, without any reasoning behind the statement. You could even combine the two suggestions, asking why, and then making your own statement that you don't think it is suspect. You could even throw in a 'I guess this is something we don't agree on'. Good luck, Sylvia > > I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring conversation with a friend; > it is a long term relationship with a lot of supportive history. We > recognize that we are two very different people who are supportive of > each other. > > The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we are having a > conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I find that very > suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets haughty and repeats, > I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it could not be that > way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross examined, put on the > witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland and not really > worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this? > > Thanks for your thoughts, mg > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 MG, I've been thinking about the panicky feeling you described when this friend challenges your version of events, because I tend to get that when people don't believe my version of things either... I'm wondering if it there's a root cause there that has something to do with not being believed about having a BP parent growing up? Because I know, in my foo anyway, nobody ever believed the emotional abuse that was going on -- or even that there was anything wrong with my nada -- and that kind of total denial of my reality by all the adults in my life was terrifyingly invalidating and made ME feel crazy and wrong all the time. I don't know if this is true for you, but I'm thinking this might have something to do with why I always feel so scared and powerless and convinced of my wrong-ness when people disagree with me. Shana Re: Need your feedback on this To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Hi MG, > > You have already received some very good advice. I can > understand > how you feel, because your friend is really not answering your > question. And as a KO, we are extra sensitive about these > things. > To add to the advice, here are my suggestions - change the > wording > of your question. Instead of asking 'what do you mean', ask > her, 'why do you think it is suspect'. (I find asking such a > question in a curious, non defensive way to also be helpful.) > Another thing you could do is to just say, " Oh, well I don't > (think > it is suspect). And then just either continue the conversation > or > change the subject. I particularly like asking people 'why', > because then they have to take the time to explain themselves, > or > they themselves may feel a bit foolish for saying something just > to > say it, without any reasoning behind the statement. You could > even > combine the two suggestions, asking why, and then making your > own > statement that you don't think it is suspect. You could even > throw > in a 'I guess this is something we don't agree on'. > > Good luck, > > Sylvia > > > > > > I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring conversation with a > friend; > > it is a long term relationship with a lot of supportive > history. > We > > recognize that we are two very different people who are > supportive > of > > each other. > > > > The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we are having > a > > conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I find that > very > > suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets haughty and > repeats, > > I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it could not > be > that > > way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross examined, > put > on the > > witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland and not > really > > worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this? > > > > Thanks for your thoughts, mg > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 Thanks everyone for your input; I have a lot of suggestions to review. I recognize that this friend is probably BPD and that is why I was attracted to her in the first place. The friendship has been ongoing for 15 years and we have been supportive of each other in many many ways. She has given me some valuable insight about my reactions to nada. And she has been a great comfort during times of high stress. I am reviewing my options; I want to use an answer that will neutralize the conversation and we can talk about something else. Again, thank you everyone for your input, it has helped me a lot. Blessings, mg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 Hey MG, I tend to agree with Sylvia and Greg on this one, Sorry I didn't reply right away I read it and I was thinking what the heck? That sounds so strange. This really doesn't even make sense what she is saying. I am baffled. I would be thinking … " WHAT THE? " if I were you. She sounds a little odd. I would question her on this maybe it will help give you insight. And try to stay calm and not panic. Maybe she doesn't even fully understand what she is saying. Maybe she really did just hear is on TV or something and wants to sound smart. Who Knows? Good luck and Be Cool as a cucumber! Love Lizzy > > > > I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring conversation with a > friend; > > it is a long term relationship with a lot of supportive history. > We > > recognize that we are two very different people who are supportive > of > > each other. > > > > The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we are having a > > conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I find that very > > suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets haughty and > repeats, > > I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it could not be > that > > way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross examined, put > on the > > witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland and not really > > worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this? > > > > Thanks for your thoughts, mg > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 30, 2006 Report Share Posted September 30, 2006 mg, Greg, and All, Greg, that is spot-on. You go, man! mg, my thought: she was routinely mistrusted as a child and/or she saw someone in her FOO routinely mistrust another FOO member (typically, one parent with the other, or both with each other), and she's projecting that behavior onto you. To me, that means the behavior's probably old, won't change soon, and would result in me leaving the relationship. One Non-BP Recovering Man --- G wrote: > This is a friend? > > When I went n/c with nada, I also realized that I > needed to clean the closet with the other people > that were dragging me down or more to the point, not > supporting me as a human being. Anyone who I had a > long standing (and I said good-bye to 3 friends that > I've known since I was 7, 10, and 11) relationship > that I realized, and even ran past my psychiatrist, > who was not supportive of me = gone. The tragic > thing that I came to know was that being a KO meant > that a lot of my friends were KOs and this was a > common bond. I got better and they didn't. It's > kinda like what I heard a friend say who got off > heroin, " When you get well, you gotta change > playgrounds and sometimes playmates. " KOs who are > healing are learning about boundaries, intimacy, > true friendship, self-esteem, etc. As I heal and > get better, I've had to say good-bye to a lot of > self-destructive or me-destructive people. > > If you want to keep this friendship, try the > broken record technique: " You said you find this > suspect. What does that mean? You find this > suspect. What does that mean? You find this > suspect. What does that mean? over and over and > over until she/he gives it up = what they really are > trying to do to you. (put you down and your reality > and give themselves a boost. really sick behavior). > > > Take good care, > > Greg. > > mghue_82 wrote: > I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring > conversation with a friend; > it is a long term relationship with a lot of > supportive history. We > recognize that we are two very different people who > are supportive of > each other. > > The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we > are having a > conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I > find that very > suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets > haughty and repeats, > I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it > could not be that > way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross > examined, put on the > witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland > and not really > worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this? > > Thanks for your thoughts, mg > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > Do you Yahoo!? > Get on board. You're invited to try the new Yahoo! > Mail. > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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