Re: Need your feedback on this

[Guest guest]

Wow, that's weird! I don't know how I'd react if a close friend said something

like that to me. Sounds like she's got a little attitude thrown in there about

it, too!

My first instinct would probably be to get pulled into defending myself or

trying to convince her that no, what I've just said ISN'T suspect because of a,

b and c... but what if you just let her keep her (admittedly strange) position

that what you just said is suspect? Just kind of agree with her and say, maybe

it is, and then either continue as if she'd never said it, or move on to another

topic?

It sounds like for some uknowable reason she's kind of looking to put you on the

defensive about seemingly unimportant matters. I think this is one of those

situations where you can't control the behavior, you can only control your

response to it... and maybe if she doesn't get the usual payoff she'll knock it

off!

I can really empathize with the panic-response, though. Anytime someone

flat-out challenges something I know to be true -- especially if they're a

little confrontational about it -- I immediately feel incredibly guilty and

wrong and terrified that some awful punishment is about to happen!

Shana

Need your feedback on this

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring conversation with a

> friend;

> it is a long term relationship with a lot of supportive history.

> We

> recognize that we are two very different people who are

> supportive of

> each other.

>

> The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we are having a

> conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I find that

> very

> suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets haughty and

> repeats,

> I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it could not

> be that

> way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross examined, put

> on the

> witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland and not

> really

> worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this?

>

> Thanks for your thoughts, mg

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Whoa! what the heck? That's a pretty weird thing to say. If she's a

good friend, perhaps you could talk to her about it and let her know

how you feel about it. But out of curiousity, is she suspicious of

your interpretation of events or your actual recalling of events?

Because, for example, if you said, " I think so and so was angry with

me because she said X " and your friend finds it suspect, she's not

saying you're lying, just that you've miss-interpreted. But if you

say, " so-and-so said X and then did Y " and she doesn't believe you

then it's kind of odd. Anyway, without knowing more, I can't really

give a real opinion on the matter, but I can say that if one of my

friends said that to me, I'd probably get annoyed and want to talk

about it or spend less time with the person.

Trish

>

> I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring conversation with a friend;

> it is a long term relationship with a lot of supportive history. We

> recognize that we are two very different people who are supportive of

> each other.

>

> The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we are having a

> conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I find that very

> suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets haughty and repeats,

> I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it could not be that

> way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross examined, put on the

> witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland and not really

> worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this?

>

> Thanks for your thoughts, mg

>

[Guest guest]

Since she does it often, it's fair to say " Well, you tend to see

suspicious things more than most. " Or words to that effect -- that

put a little spotlight on her peculiar habit.

It does sound like she's trying to gig you a little. I'd ignore it

and move on. If she keeps doing it, you can ask her not to say it

anymore (honoring yourself and your needs).

Keep an eye on it -- time will tell if you really enjoy baring your

soul to her. Good luck!

Kyla

>

> I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring conversation with a

friend;

> it is a long term relationship with a lot of supportive history.

We

> recognize that we are two very different people who are supportive

of

> each other.

>

> The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we are having a

> conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I find that very

> suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets haughty and

repeats,

> I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it could not be

that

> way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross examined, put

on the

> witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland and not really

> worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this?

>

> Thanks for your thoughts, mg

>

[Guest guest]

That's just totally WEIRD. In fact weird is the first thing that

popped in my mind. Second thing that popped in my mind is that she

saw it on some tv show or heard someone say it and thought it was a

cool saying b/c she didn't understand it and now she feels 'smart'

using that term. Either way, that's just weird. Why would she not

believe it happened that way? With friends like that, who needs

enemies as they say.

K

>

> I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring conversation with a

friend;

> it is a long term relationship with a lot of supportive history.

We

> recognize that we are two very different people who are supportive

of

> each other.

>

> The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we are having a

> conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I find that very

> suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets haughty and

repeats,

> I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it could not be

that

> way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross examined, put on

the

> witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland and not really

> worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this?

>

> Thanks for your thoughts, mg

>

[Guest guest]

Hi MG,

You have already received some very good advice. I can understand

how you feel, because your friend is really not answering your

question. And as a KO, we are extra sensitive about these things.

To add to the advice, here are my suggestions - change the wording

of your question. Instead of asking 'what do you mean', ask

her, 'why do you think it is suspect'. (I find asking such a

question in a curious, non defensive way to also be helpful.)

Another thing you could do is to just say, " Oh, well I don't (think

it is suspect). And then just either continue the conversation or

change the subject. I particularly like asking people 'why',

because then they have to take the time to explain themselves, or

they themselves may feel a bit foolish for saying something just to

say it, without any reasoning behind the statement. You could even

combine the two suggestions, asking why, and then making your own

statement that you don't think it is suspect. You could even throw

in a 'I guess this is something we don't agree on'.

Good luck,

Sylvia

>

> I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring conversation with a

friend;

> it is a long term relationship with a lot of supportive history.

We

> recognize that we are two very different people who are supportive

of

> each other.

>

> The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we are having a

> conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I find that very

> suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets haughty and

repeats,

> I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it could not be

that

> way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross examined, put

on the

> witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland and not really

> worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this?

>

> Thanks for your thoughts, mg

>

[Guest guest]

MG, I've been thinking about the panicky feeling you described when this friend

challenges your version of events, because I tend to get that when people don't

believe my version of things either...

I'm wondering if it there's a root cause there that has something to do with not

being believed about having a BP parent growing up? Because I know, in my foo

anyway, nobody ever believed the emotional abuse that was going on -- or even

that there was anything wrong with my nada -- and that kind of total denial of

my reality by all the adults in my life was terrifyingly invalidating and made

ME feel crazy and wrong all the time.

I don't know if this is true for you, but I'm thinking this might have something

to do with why I always feel so scared and powerless and convinced of my

wrong-ness when people disagree with me.

Shana

Re: Need your feedback on this

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Hi MG,

>

> You have already received some very good advice. I can

> understand

> how you feel, because your friend is really not answering your

> question. And as a KO, we are extra sensitive about these

> things.

> To add to the advice, here are my suggestions - change the

> wording

> of your question. Instead of asking 'what do you mean', ask

> her, 'why do you think it is suspect'. (I find asking such a

> question in a curious, non defensive way to also be helpful.)

> Another thing you could do is to just say, " Oh, well I don't

> (think

> it is suspect). And then just either continue the conversation

> or

> change the subject. I particularly like asking people 'why',

> because then they have to take the time to explain themselves,

> or

> they themselves may feel a bit foolish for saying something just

> to

> say it, without any reasoning behind the statement. You could

> even

> combine the two suggestions, asking why, and then making your

> own

> statement that you don't think it is suspect. You could even

> throw

> in a 'I guess this is something we don't agree on'.

>

> Good luck,

>

> Sylvia

>

>

> >

> > I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring conversation with a

> friend;

> > it is a long term relationship with a lot of supportive

> history.

> We

> > recognize that we are two very different people who are

> supportive

> of

> > each other.

> >

> > The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we are having

> a

> > conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I find that

> very

> > suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets haughty and

> repeats,

> > I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it could not

> be

> that

> > way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross examined,

> put

> on the

> > witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland and not

> really

> > worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this?

> >

> > Thanks for your thoughts, mg

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone for your input; I have a lot of suggestions to review. I

recognize that this friend is probably BPD and that is why I was attracted to

her in the first place. The friendship has been ongoing for 15 years and we

have been supportive of each other in many many ways. She has given me some

valuable insight about my reactions to nada. And she has been a great comfort

during times of high stress.

I am reviewing my options; I want to use an answer that will neutralize the

conversation and we can talk about something else.

Again, thank you everyone for your input, it has helped me a lot.

Blessings, mg

[Guest guest]

Hey MG, I tend to agree with Sylvia and Greg on this one, Sorry I

didn't reply right away I read it and I was thinking what the heck?

That sounds so strange. This really doesn't even make sense what

she is saying. I am baffled. I would be thinking … " WHAT THE? " if I

were you. She sounds a little odd. I would question her on this

maybe it will help give you insight. And try to stay calm and not

panic. Maybe she doesn't even fully understand what she is saying.

Maybe she really did just hear is on TV or something and wants to

sound smart. Who Knows? Good luck and Be Cool as a cucumber! Love

Lizzy

> >

> > I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring conversation with a

> friend;

> > it is a long term relationship with a lot of supportive

history.

> We

> > recognize that we are two very different people who are

supportive

> of

> > each other.

> >

> > The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we are having a

> > conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I find that

very

> > suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets haughty and

> repeats,

> > I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it could not

be

> that

> > way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross examined, put

> on the

> > witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland and not

really

> > worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this?

> >

> > Thanks for your thoughts, mg

> >

>

[Guest guest]

mg, Greg, and All,

Greg, that is spot-on. You go, man! mg, my thought:

she was routinely mistrusted as a child and/or she saw

someone in her FOO routinely mistrust another FOO

member (typically, one parent with the other, or both

with each other), and she's projecting that behavior

onto you. To me, that means the behavior's probably

old, won't change soon, and would result in me leaving

the relationship.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- G wrote:

> This is a friend?

>

> When I went n/c with nada, I also realized that I

> needed to clean the closet with the other people

> that were dragging me down or more to the point, not

> supporting me as a human being. Anyone who I had a

> long standing (and I said good-bye to 3 friends that

> I've known since I was 7, 10, and 11) relationship

> that I realized, and even ran past my psychiatrist,

> who was not supportive of me = gone. The tragic

> thing that I came to know was that being a KO meant

> that a lot of my friends were KOs and this was a

> common bond. I got better and they didn't. It's

> kinda like what I heard a friend say who got off

> heroin, " When you get well, you gotta change

> playgrounds and sometimes playmates. " KOs who are

> healing are learning about boundaries, intimacy,

> true friendship, self-esteem, etc. As I heal and

> get better, I've had to say good-bye to a lot of

> self-destructive or me-destructive people.

>

> If you want to keep this friendship, try the

> broken record technique: " You said you find this

> suspect. What does that mean? You find this

> suspect. What does that mean? You find this

> suspect. What does that mean? over and over and

> over until she/he gives it up = what they really are

> trying to do to you. (put you down and your reality

> and give themselves a boost. really sick behavior).

>

>

> Take good care,

>

> Greg.

>

> mghue_82 wrote:

> I am asking for feedback on a reoccurring

> conversation with a friend;

> it is a long term relationship with a lot of

> supportive history. We

> recognize that we are two very different people who

> are supportive of

> each other.

>

> The reoccurring theme is this: sometimes while we

> are having a

> conversation I bring up a subject and she states " I

> find that very

> suspect. " When I ask her what she means, she gets

> haughty and repeats,

> I find that very suspect, it probably did not, or it

> could not be that

> way. I get a panic feeling, like I am being cross

> examined, put on the

> witness stand. The topic is actually pretty bland

> and not really

> worthy of a big deal. What is your take on this?

>

> Thanks for your thoughts, mg

>

>

>

>

>

>

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