Guest guest Posted September 27, 2006 Report Share Posted September 27, 2006 > > I was expecting praise and acknowledgement of my NC, not > being washed with a dirty dish rag of dissonance. I also told her that > I know the road that I have, I'm just happy to be aware. There is where the rub is. You were expecting....... In How to Hug a Porcupine by Lund he says all frustration in life comes from unmet expectations. He says we have to change our expectations and get very real before we can be free of frustration/hurt/anger. Unfortunately, I have learned that siblings just can't get away from the competition/I'm smarter, better, whatever, than you are. Even in the best of circumstances I think this element is present in most families. She is probably worrying that you are going to catch up to her and after all she HAS been in therapy a Long Long time. I know how fragile you are feeling and unfortunately it is hard to find a really understanding sympathetic person except on this board where others have walked in your shoes. My mother just passed away one month ago. Even at this time the competition, jealousy, jockying for place was evident. Perhaps it was even more obvious because of the stress of the time. But I had a real insight into the dynamics of my family which I hadn't seen so clearly before. You no doubt will learn more as time goes along, but the strides you are taking now are the most important ones. Every journey begins with one step. Don't feel to crushed and don't try to measure your progress against any one else's especially your sister. Also remember that your own journey will be just that...your own. You may learn things she will never learn. Hopefully somewhere down the line you two can be a comfort to each other. But I have found my own sisters will never see things the same way I do. Just hang in there and keep taking one step and then another. You will make it if you persevere. Dee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 28, 2006 Report Share Posted September 28, 2006 , I agree with Dee. Among other things, your sister may be jealous of you and your NC. However, from what you wrote, she seems sincere in trying to be supportive and I'd cut her some slack -- this time. If she keeps making those UNDERwhelming comments, I'd politely point it out to her and see how she responds. Anyway, you're doing great. Keep going, keep learning and applying, keep posting, and keep coming back. One Non-BP Recovering Man --- gmat60 wrote: > > > > > I was expecting praise and acknowledgement of my > NC, not > > being washed with a dirty dish rag of dissonance. > I also told her that > > I know the road that I have, I'm just happy to be > aware. > > There is where the rub is. You were > expecting....... In How to Hug a > Porcupine by Lund he says all frustration in > life comes from > unmet expectations. He says we have to change our > expectations and get > very real before we can be free of > frustration/hurt/anger. > Unfortunately, I have learned that siblings just > can't get away from > the competition/I'm smarter, better, whatever, than > you are. Even in > the best of circumstances I think this element is > present in most > families. She is probably worrying that you are > going to catch up to > her and after all she HAS been in therapy a Long > Long time. > > I know how fragile you are feeling and unfortunately > it is hard to > find a really understanding sympathetic person > except on this board > where others have walked in your shoes. > > My mother just passed away one month ago. Even at > this time the > competition, jealousy, jockying for place was > evident. Perhaps it was > even more obvious because of the stress of the time. > But I had a real > insight into the dynamics of my family which I > hadn't seen so clearly > before. You no doubt will learn more as time goes > along, but the > strides you are taking now are the most important > ones. Every journey > begins with one step. Don't feel to crushed and > don't try to measure > your progress against any one else's especially your > sister. Also > remember that your own journey will be just > that...your own. You may > learn things she will never learn. Hopefully > somewhere down the line > you two can be a comfort to each other. But I have > found my own > sisters will never see things the same way I do. > > Just hang in there and keep taking one step and then > another. You > will make it if you persevere. Dee > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 28, 2006 Report Share Posted September 28, 2006 , I think it's also very telling that your sister called you back after your first conversation. It sounds like maybe on some level she knew she wasn't being as supportive as she should've/could've been -- and it's really possible she was at first acting out of long-standing patterns of sibling rivalry as has already been suggested, which I think was an excellent point. And then maybe she called back because she felt guilty and overdid it with insincere-seeming support? You've just taken a huge step for yourself by going NC and facing the truth about your nada's illness. If your sister can't be as supportive as she really ought to be right now, I say you're definitely doing the right thing by putting some distance there for a while! You come first, and your sister's issues are her own. But I think it's really possible that, in time, she might come around and be a real source of support for you. I know, for myself, it's been VERY lonely to be the only one in my foo who recognizes my nada's illness (I'm an only child) and I'd give anything to have even a single relative who got it! Shana FOO, FU To: WTOAdultChildren1 > I'm now noticing fleas that my family members carry; I'm trying to > avoid contact with my sister since I spoke to her last night. > She has > just had her wedding and wanted to take time off of therapy that she > has been doing for three years uninterrupted. She was talking to me > last night and I was telling the array of emotion that has come over > me and I'm starting to experience true life autonomously from nada's > shadow. She responded that it was great in' all, but I have a very > long road to go and that it'll take years of years to get to > where she > is; especially since I was around nada the most. I felt my positive > feeling starting to get cold and discouraged. I held my fear in and > pretended everything was ok, and then I told her goodnight and > got off > the phone with her. She called back and asked what was wrong? I told > that it was just little discouraging that she was so > concentrated on > my long road. I was expecting praise and acknowledgement of my > NC, not > being washed with a dirty dish rag of dissonance. I also told > her that > I know the road that I have, I'm just happy to be aware. I was > in the > bottom of dark canyon and feeling around blindly, now I have this > consciousness and I can see up the cliff and it seems never ending. > That infiniteness had left me feeling alone, I've trusted my own voice > and have been telling myself one foot/hand in front of the > other. She > then tried to encourage me but it just seemed like non genuine fluff. > So I decided to give myself space for a bit. I love my sister more > than anything else; it breaks my heart that I have to remove myself > from her for any period of time. Her behavior just had me > looking in > the rear view as said. It's too close to nada. I'm > sure I > have my own gang of fleas, but I'm just a little too reactive to her > right now. I hope to shed this construct in my mind so we might one > day have a COMPLETELY healthy relationship. I'm tender at this stage; > I need therapy, support and enlightenment. I'm questioning if I made > the right choice? Do you think she crossed a boundary? Did I > over react? > > Guys thanks for the support and time, > > > 17 days NC > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 28, 2006 Report Share Posted September 28, 2006 - In the past, I've worked as a chaplain in hospitals. One of the key things about it is that, no matter how much family is around someone who is on a painful journey (in that case, whatever the hospitalization involves, and I've worked in both a psych hospital and a regular trauma unit), they are almost inevitably UNable to separate themselves out from the reactions that they have in a critical situation that calls up their own deep needs and fears. Thus, the chaplain is there for the patient, in a way that even the most concerned family members are unable to be - just to be with them in whatever they (the patients) are feeling. (Chaplining is only secondarily about faith- it's mainly about just being present with someone who is in pain.) At such a tender moment as you're in, sounds like you needed your sister to be present to your struggle, rather than to be putting it into her own framework. Sorry about that - If you're vulnerable, newly-NC, or whatever, things are much tenderer, and you need help with the new life being born. My brother was actually verbally violent with me in denying BPD in our family (again, as he is divorcing his diagnosed and hospitalized BPD wife), which has ripped away at the tender new life in me and set me back a bit. But I am also lucky enough to have an aunt, my mother's sister, who is sharply insightlful about all this and very affirming of my own courage and insight. Don't know if, for you, there might be a comparable family member who's not right in the FOO and can offer presence on the journey. > > I'm now noticing fleas that my family members carry; I'm trying to > avoid contact with my sister since I spoke to her last night. She has > just had her wedding and wanted to take time off of therapy that she > has been doing for three years uninterrupted. She was talking to me > last night and I was telling the array of emotion that has come over > me and I'm starting to experience true life autonomously from nada's > shadow. She responded that it was great in' all, but I have a very > long road to go and that it'll take years of years to get to where she > is; especially since I was around nada the most. I felt my positive > feeling starting to get cold and discouraged. I held my fear in and > pretended everything was ok, and then I told her goodnight and got off > the phone with her. She called back and asked what was wrong? I told > that it was just little discouraging that she was so concentrated on > my long road. I was expecting praise and acknowledgement of my NC, not > being washed with a dirty dish rag of dissonance. I also told her that > I know the road that I have, I'm just happy to be aware. I was in the > bottom of dark canyon and feeling around blindly, now I have this > consciousness and I can see up the cliff and it seems never ending. > That infiniteness had left me feeling alone, I've trusted my own voice > and have been telling myself one foot/hand in front of the other. She > then tried to encourage me but it just seemed like non genuine fluff. > So I decided to give myself space for a bit. I love my sister more > than anything else; it breaks my heart that I have to remove myself > from her for any period of time. Her behavior just had me looking in > the rear view as said. It's too close to nada. I'm sure I > have my own gang of fleas, but I'm just a little too reactive to her > right now. I hope to shed this construct in my mind so we might one > day have a COMPLETELY healthy relationship. I'm tender at this stage; > I need therapy, support and enlightenment. I'm questioning if I made > the right choice? Do you think she crossed a boundary? Did I over react? > > Guys thanks for the support and time, > > > 17 days NC > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 28, 2006 Report Share Posted September 28, 2006 , Good gob on the last 17 days I know the first couple years can really be a struggle. You know everybody really brought up some good points. I say take all the advice. Yes like Dee says there probably was sibling rivalry, and I agree totally with One Non-BP Man that you should cut your sister some slack after all she did make an effort to call back. I think Shana hit it on the head when she said she felt guilty and when to the other side of extreme overly compensating to the point where it didn't even feel genuine anymore. So like she said take a break if you need to. And I also agree with I believe it was who said you may find comfort in another person who is not your family. I know I for one am unable to speak with my sister but my aunt (my dad's sister) is my best friend she is unable to be close to her sister either so we make a lovely pair. We share a closeness I could never have with my own sister and she understands about my mom. Another person who I am close with is my sister-in-law. Although she lives over seas we are close, practically separated at birth. We shop together and come out of the fitting rooms wearing the same things, we dream the same dreams, think the same thoughts and empathies with each others parent stories! Sometimes you will find the love of a family in an unexpected place if you look. When you are feeling belittled just walk away and take a break. (I am not sure if the times on this are entirely accurate) I was n/c with my father for about 2 years then we talked about 2 years now last month he was pissing me off by belittling me and my memory, I have not talked to him for about a month previously we were talking every few days. He just emailed me some stupid fwds this week so I sent him a quick email but no talking that's ok. There is nothing wrong with taking a break. Do what you need to do to survive. Good luck and keep talking on here you will get the advice and support you need. Love Lizzy > > I'm now noticing fleas that my family members carry; I'm trying to > avoid contact with my sister since I spoke to her last night. She has > just had her wedding and wanted to take time off of therapy that she > has been doing for three years uninterrupted. She was talking to me > last night and I was telling the array of emotion that has come over > me and I'm starting to experience true life autonomously from nada's > shadow. She responded that it was great in' all, but I have a very > long road to go and that it'll take years of years to get to where she > is; especially since I was around nada the most. I felt my positive > feeling starting to get cold and discouraged. I held my fear in and > pretended everything was ok, and then I told her goodnight and got off > the phone with her. She called back and asked what was wrong? I told > that it was just little discouraging that she was so concentrated on > my long road. I was expecting praise and acknowledgement of my NC, not > being washed with a dirty dish rag of dissonance. I also told her that > I know the road that I have, I'm just happy to be aware. I was in the > bottom of dark canyon and feeling around blindly, now I have this > consciousness and I can see up the cliff and it seems never ending. > That infiniteness had left me feeling alone, I've trusted my own voice > and have been telling myself one foot/hand in front of the other. She > then tried to encourage me but it just seemed like non genuine fluff. > So I decided to give myself space for a bit. I love my sister more > than anything else; it breaks my heart that I have to remove myself > from her for any period of time. Her behavior just had me looking in > the rear view as said. It's too close to nada. I'm sure I > have my own gang of fleas, but I'm just a little too reactive to her > right now. I hope to shed this construct in my mind so we might one > day have a COMPLETELY healthy relationship. I'm tender at this stage; > I need therapy, support and enlightenment. I'm questioning if I made > the right choice? Do you think she crossed a boundary? Did I over react? > > Guys thanks for the support and time, > > > 17 days NC > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 28, 2006 Report Share Posted September 28, 2006 Thanks for the support everyone. After reading all your posts I've decided to keep her at a distance that is comfortable for me. I told her I would call her back this weekend when we spoke that night. I'm still planning on it, but I will keep it short. I'll ask her advise on grad. school and whether or not I should post my resume just yet. Oh yeah I graduate in May and am looking to move out to California, so sweet. This will be my third US state: MI, TN and CA, I'm pumped! Oh, tangent; oops. Anyway, I while try not to express my passion for this current transition in my life, I will talk about wordly things that I listed above. This sucks. I'd like to share this with her, but I'm having huge expectations of our relationship. I am seeking someone to make this connection with besides my therapist and you guys. I have to find some support, I live in Tennessee, with no family down here. I'll have to pickup the phone. Again, thanks y'all! 18days nc > > > > I'm now noticing fleas that my family members carry; I'm trying to > > avoid contact with my sister since I spoke to her last night. She > has > > just had her wedding and wanted to take time off of therapy that > she > > has been doing for three years uninterrupted. She was talking to me > > last night and I was telling the array of emotion that has come > over > > me and I'm starting to experience true life autonomously from > nada's > > shadow. She responded that it was great in' all, but I have a very > > long road to go and that it'll take years of years to get to where > she > > is; especially since I was around nada the most. I felt my positive > > feeling starting to get cold and discouraged. I held my fear in > and > > pretended everything was ok, and then I told her goodnight and got > off > > the phone with her. She called back and asked what was wrong? I > told > > that it was just little discouraging that she was so concentrated > on > > my long road. I was expecting praise and acknowledgement of my NC, > not > > being washed with a dirty dish rag of dissonance. I also told her > that > > I know the road that I have, I'm just happy to be aware. I was in > the > > bottom of dark canyon and feeling around blindly, now I have this > > consciousness and I can see up the cliff and it seems never ending. > > That infiniteness had left me feeling alone, I've trusted my own > voice > > and have been telling myself one foot/hand in front of the other. > She > > then tried to encourage me but it just seemed like non genuine > fluff. > > So I decided to give myself space for a bit. I love my sister more > > than anything else; it breaks my heart that I have to remove myself > > from her for any period of time. Her behavior just had me looking > in > > the rear view as said. It's too close to nada. I'm sure > I > > have my own gang of fleas, but I'm just a little too reactive to > her > > right now. I hope to shed this construct in my mind so we might one > > day have a COMPLETELY healthy relationship. I'm tender at this > stage; > > I need therapy, support and enlightenment. I'm questioning if I > made > > the right choice? Do you think she crossed a boundary? Did I over > react? > > > > Guys thanks for the support and time, > > > > > > 17 days NC > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 28, 2006 Report Share Posted September 28, 2006 , You're welcome. It's been said that expectations are resentments waiting to happen. I have to constantly check mine. Keep up the good work. You're already giving experience, strength and hope to others. One Non-BP Recovering Man --- j1mcninc wrote: > Thanks for the support everyone. After reading all > your posts I've > decided to keep her at a distance that is > comfortable for me. I told > her I would call her back this weekend when we spoke > that night. I'm > still planning on it, but I will keep it short. I'll > ask her advise > on grad. school and whether or not I should post my > resume just yet. > Oh yeah I graduate in May and am looking to move out > to California, > so sweet. This will be my third US state: MI, TN and > CA, I'm pumped! > Oh, tangent; oops. Anyway, I while try not to > express my passion for > this current transition in my life, I will talk > about wordly things > that I listed above. This sucks. I'd like to share > this with her, > but I'm having huge expectations of our > relationship. I am seeking > someone to make this connection with besides my > therapist and you > guys. I have to find some support, I live in > Tennessee, with no > family down here. I'll have to pickup the phone. > > Again, thanks y'all! > > > 18days nc > > > > > > > > I'm now noticing fleas that my family members > carry; I'm trying > to > > > avoid contact with my sister since I spoke to > her last night. > She > > has > > > just had her wedding and wanted to take time off > of therapy that > > she > > > has been doing for three years uninterrupted. > She was talking to > me > > > last night and I was telling the array of > emotion that has come > > over > > > me and I'm starting to experience true life > autonomously from > > nada's > > > shadow. She responded that it was great in' all, > but I have a > very > > > long road to go and that it'll take years of > years to get to > where > > she > > > is; especially since I was around nada the most. > I felt my > positive > > > feeling starting to get cold and discouraged. I > held my fear in > > and > > > pretended everything was ok, and then I told her > goodnight and > got > > off > > > the phone with her. She called back and asked > what was wrong? I > > told > > > that it was just little discouraging that she > was so > concentrated > > on > > > my long road. I was expecting praise and > acknowledgement of my > NC, > > not > > > being washed with a dirty dish rag of > dissonance. I also told > her > > that > > > I know the road that I have, I'm just happy to > be aware. I was > in > > the > > > bottom of dark canyon and feeling around > blindly, now I have this > > > consciousness and I can see up the cliff and it > seems never > ending. > > > That infiniteness had left me feeling alone, > I've trusted my own > > voice > > > and have been telling myself one foot/hand in > front of the > other. > > She > > > then tried to encourage me but it just seemed > like non genuine > > fluff. > > > So I decided to give myself space for a bit. I > love my sister > more > > > than anything else; it breaks my heart that I > have to remove > myself > > > from her for any period of time. Her behavior > just had me > looking > > in > > > the rear view as said. It's too close > to nada. I'm > sure > > I > > > have my own gang of fleas, but I'm just a little > too reactive to > > her > > > right now. I hope to shed this construct in my > mind so we might > one > > > day have a COMPLETELY healthy relationship. I'm > tender at this > > stage; > > > I need therapy, support and enlightenment. I'm > questioning if I > > made > > > the right choice? Do you think she crossed a > boundary? Did I > over > > react? > > > > > > Guys thanks for the support and time, > > > > > > > > > 17 days NC > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 28, 2006 Report Share Posted September 28, 2006 and All, The other thing about sibling rivalry and bpd and npd or apd, is that siblings are set against each other from preverbal stages. I've seen it, experienced it. This creates drama, which the sick feed on. Also, one is usually painted white and the other black growing up.= one super smart/other stupid/or wish you could be more like your bro/sis...It's a dynamic that was set in place back then by them. I told my brother about this this weekend during my visit. Greg. richardson20214 wrote: - In the past, I've worked as a chaplain in hospitals. One of the key things about it is that, no matter how much family is around someone who is on a painful journey (in that case, whatever the hospitalization involves, and I've worked in both a psych hospital and a regular trauma unit), they are almost inevitably UNable to separate themselves out from the reactions that they have in a critical situation that calls up their own deep needs and fears. Thus, the chaplain is there for the patient, in a way that even the most concerned family members are unable to be - just to be with them in whatever they (the patients) are feeling. (Chaplining is only secondarily about faith- it's mainly about just being present with someone who is in pain.) At such a tender moment as you're in, sounds like you needed your sister to be present to your struggle, rather than to be putting it into her own framework. Sorry about that - If you're vulnerable, newly-NC, or whatever, things are much tenderer, and you need help with the new life being born. My brother was actually verbally violent with me in denying BPD in our family (again, as he is divorcing his diagnosed and hospitalized BPD wife), which has ripped away at the tender new life in me and set me back a bit. But I am also lucky enough to have an aunt, my mother's sister, who is sharply insightlful about all this and very affirming of my own courage and insight. Don't know if, for you, there might be a comparable family member who's not right in the FOO and can offer presence on the journey. > > I'm now noticing fleas that my family members carry; I'm trying to > avoid contact with my sister since I spoke to her last night. She has > just had her wedding and wanted to take time off of therapy that she > has been doing for three years uninterrupted. She was talking to me > last night and I was telling the array of emotion that has come over > me and I'm starting to experience true life autonomously from nada's > shadow. She responded that it was great in' all, but I have a very > long road to go and that it'll take years of years to get to where she > is; especially since I was around nada the most. I felt my positive > feeling starting to get cold and discouraged. I held my fear in and > pretended everything was ok, and then I told her goodnight and got off > the phone with her. She called back and asked what was wrong? I told > that it was just little discouraging that she was so concentrated on > my long road. I was expecting praise and acknowledgement of my NC, not > being washed with a dirty dish rag of dissonance. I also told her that > I know the road that I have, I'm just happy to be aware. I was in the > bottom of dark canyon and feeling around blindly, now I have this > consciousness and I can see up the cliff and it seems never ending. > That infiniteness had left me feeling alone, I've trusted my own voice > and have been telling myself one foot/hand in front of the other. She > then tried to encourage me but it just seemed like non genuine fluff. > So I decided to give myself space for a bit. I love my sister more > than anything else; it breaks my heart that I have to remove myself > from her for any period of time. Her behavior just had me looking in > the rear view as said. It's too close to nada. I'm sure I > have my own gang of fleas, but I'm just a little too reactive to her > right now. I hope to shed this construct in my mind so we might one > day have a COMPLETELY healthy relationship. I'm tender at this stage; > I need therapy, support and enlightenment. I'm questioning if I made > the right choice? Do you think she crossed a boundary? Did I over react? > > Guys thanks for the support and time, > > > 17 days NC > --------------------------------- Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+ countries) for 2¢/min or less. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 28, 2006 Report Share Posted September 28, 2006 Yeah, I kind of thought this too when I read the original post- that maybe its a sibling rivalry thing started in childhood and even though both of the sibs are getting healthy, their initial relationship has a lot of rocks in that road- been bumpy. Its not easy navigating a new path together nor is it easy to trust each other in these situations b/c of so many trust issues growing up. Even non bp families have sibling rivalry and competitiveness. My guess is that the sister is having a hard enough time redefining her life in light of her brand new marriage that she may feel threatened by someone leaning on her for emotional support. I think others are right about expectations.Whereas she may have been there in the past, perhaps she's expecting lil brother to be there for her with all the major life changes she's going through and instead she's being met with new changes and needs in lil brother's life that she may not want to emotionally deal with considering how much is on her plate. Boundaries and limits are a very good thing. I think growing up w/a FOO that's this dysfunctional, its not always easy to state boundaries w/o feeling like a person will be rejected or totally reject you. Ideally the sister should've said 'hey listen, I love you and I hope you know that, but right now I really have so much going on in my own life that I just don't have it to give away right now.' Instead I think she bit little brother on the backside b/c she feared saying no and putting down her own emotional limits as well as risk being seen in any weak light considering she's the older sibling (which again is not a foo factor as my dh is the youngest and his older siblings never lean on him or tell him when things are going rough in their lives- he hears it second hand from their mom, but his immediate older brother whose very close never tells him when he's struggling- will tell me, but not little brother- again I think its an ingrained image thing w/older siblings wanting to make the younger ones feel safe and secure by selling some illusions that they probably don't sell to their bestfriends-know I've been guilty of that in the past w/my younger brother). I am glad she apologized.She needed to and even when my bestfriends sting me, its uncomfortable even after the apology just b/c of the wounds needing time to heal. I don't think I'd cut her out of my life, but give her emotional space and realize she's got a lot on her plate right now too and turn to others for more emotional support likethis board and a therapist and such. And have faith that she will come around and find her niche and same with the relationship. It will probably be better for the wear and tear. I know even as painful as its been in the past with having these situations happen in my life, once the smoke settles and things are officially cleared up and dealt w/kindness and honesty, I'm always closer. Good relationships don't just happen. They take a lot of work and are worth fighting for- making the effort to bridge the failures and gaps and having faith in other and self to sustain the storms. I can not and should not be so charitable with the bp as I don't know in the end. I think faith in those relationships is a bit misplaced, but I also see on this side of things that not all relationships are like that-even people I love dearly will hurt me and unintentionally betray the trust just as I do- not majorly, but minorly and that's when I have to deal w/my own fleas and realize we don't have to be perfect to share love. Just to be and learn what forgiveness and faith and love really are. God knows it wasn't modeled in childhood. I hope this works out for the best. Two siblings both trying to get healthy is a very good thing though the healing process is different. I'm seeing that a little w/my aunt right now and how she's acting like a whack job but at least in therapy. I have had to realize that right now in our lives, I'm not feeling called to be close, but to give her space to heal and grieve and whatever she needs and vice- versa b/c honestly she's stung me a few times this year and I'm not fond of it. Yet I also know how lost she is and b/c we do value our relationship, we've made an agreement to give each other space to deal and emote differently and just not add onto the hurt that's already there. Was hard having that conversation, but necessary. I just don't have it to give to her right now and vice-versa and I'm okay with that and hope she is too. Even if she's not, that's really something she has to deal with about herself and learning that people do have emotional boundaries and so in a lot of ways I've felt more like her big sister lately too which is just weird and opposite of how we've always related. None-the-less, I'm trying as best as I can to preserve the integrity of the relationship and not do anymore damage or receive anymore damage either. Its hard though. Kerrie > > > > I'm now noticing fleas that my family members carry; I'm trying to > > avoid contact with my sister since I spoke to her last night. She > has > > just had her wedding and wanted to take time off of therapy that > she > > has been doing for three years uninterrupted. She was talking to me > > last night and I was telling the array of emotion that has come > over > > me and I'm starting to experience true life autonomously from > nada's > > shadow. She responded that it was great in' all, but I have a very > > long road to go and that it'll take years of years to get to where > she > > is; especially since I was around nada the most. I felt my positive > > feeling starting to get cold and discouraged. I held my fear in > and > > pretended everything was ok, and then I told her goodnight and got > off > > the phone with her. She called back and asked what was wrong? I > told > > that it was just little discouraging that she was so concentrated > on > > my long road. I was expecting praise and acknowledgement of my NC, > not > > being washed with a dirty dish rag of dissonance. I also told her > that > > I know the road that I have, I'm just happy to be aware. I was in > the > > bottom of dark canyon and feeling around blindly, now I have this > > consciousness and I can see up the cliff and it seems never ending. > > That infiniteness had left me feeling alone, I've trusted my own > voice > > and have been telling myself one foot/hand in front of the other. > She > > then tried to encourage me but it just seemed like non genuine > fluff. > > So I decided to give myself space for a bit. I love my sister more > > than anything else; it breaks my heart that I have to remove myself > > from her for any period of time. Her behavior just had me looking > in > > the rear view as said. It's too close to nada. I'm sure > I > > have my own gang of fleas, but I'm just a little too reactive to > her > > right now. I hope to shed this construct in my mind so we might one > > day have a COMPLETELY healthy relationship. I'm tender at this > stage; > > I need therapy, support and enlightenment. I'm questioning if I > made > > the right choice? Do you think she crossed a boundary? Did I over > react? > > > > Guys thanks for the support and time, > > > > > > 17 days NC > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+ countries) for 2¢/min or less. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 29, 2006 Report Share Posted September 29, 2006 , I've been away for a few days and am a little behind, but I think your feelings are valid. I completely understand how scary everything looks when you're first realizing all the negative impacts of having lived with a nada. When I was learning about all of this a year ago I thought I was permanently flawed and was never going to get any better--or didn't know how I would. Change happened amazingly fast, faster than I ever would have dared possible. Once you start moving forward, things just pick up momentum. So the important part is to do exactly whaat you have done and take the first steps. I completely understand your need for some encouragement at this point and know that, in my experience, my foo was not and has not been the greatest source of encouragement or approval. So, I do understand the pain of feeling less than encouraged and also the pain of dealing with family members that have their own issues. It's not easy. I think that you probably also know what's best for you in terms of taking a break from your sister if you need one. She may have some fleas that are triggering your own self-doubts right now. That's not anyone's fault and it also doesn't mean you can't remain close. You might try cutting your sister some slack though. I know that my brothers and I have all struggled to become better people after growing up KO and that all of us can say really dumb things from time to time. It's easier to be patient and kind with yourself when you're also understanding of others. Trish > > I'm now noticing fleas that my family members carry; I'm trying to > avoid contact with my sister since I spoke to her last night. She has > just had her wedding and wanted to take time off of therapy that she > has been doing for three years uninterrupted. She was talking to me > last night and I was telling the array of emotion that has come over > me and I'm starting to experience true life autonomously from nada's > shadow. She responded that it was great in' all, but I have a very > long road to go and that it'll take years of years to get to where she > is; especially since I was around nada the most. I felt my positive > feeling starting to get cold and discouraged. I held my fear in and > pretended everything was ok, and then I told her goodnight and got off > the phone with her. She called back and asked what was wrong? I told > that it was just little discouraging that she was so concentrated on > my long road. I was expecting praise and acknowledgement of my NC, not > being washed with a dirty dish rag of dissonance. I also told her that > I know the road that I have, I'm just happy to be aware. I was in the > bottom of dark canyon and feeling around blindly, now I have this > consciousness and I can see up the cliff and it seems never ending. > That infiniteness had left me feeling alone, I've trusted my own voice > and have been telling myself one foot/hand in front of the other. She > then tried to encourage me but it just seemed like non genuine fluff. > So I decided to give myself space for a bit. I love my sister more > than anything else; it breaks my heart that I have to remove myself > from her for any period of time. Her behavior just had me looking in > the rear view as said. It's too close to nada. I'm sure I > have my own gang of fleas, but I'm just a little too reactive to her > right now. I hope to shed this construct in my mind so we might one > day have a COMPLETELY healthy relationship. I'm tender at this stage; > I need therapy, support and enlightenment. I'm questioning if I made > the right choice? Do you think she crossed a boundary? Did I over react? > > Guys thanks for the support and time, > > > 17 days NC > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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