Re: Newbie -- cyrushap

[Guest guest]

cyrushap,

Welcome. I agree with everything fresabird said. You are welcome here.

I and many others feel safe, accepted and understood here. There is a lot

of experience, strength, hope, clarity, support, and wisdom here.

Your writing and way of expressing yourself is, to me, exceptionally

eloquent, clear, intelligent and insightful. I think you have a great

start on getting where you want to go in dealing with this situation.

EVERY incident you described, I believe. EVERY conclusion you’ve made, I

think is accurate and smart. EVERY feeling you have, I and MANY others

understand because we’ve been there. You might be amazed at how similar

many of your experiences, perceptions, thoughts and feelings are to mine

and many, many other people. You’ll see that others also can help provide

clarity and support. You’re not alone.

I believe you. I believe everything you said. I believe that you have

experienced these things. I believe that you are not crazy. I believe

that you are sane. I believe your version of reality. I believe that you

are telling the truth. I believe that you are observing, perceiving and

evaluating things accurately. I believe that your conclusions are logical

and valid. I believe that you are right. I believe that you are doing

the right things. I believe that your feelings are real, natural, and

deserve validation and protection. I believe that you deserve love,

peace, prosperity and serenity. I believe that you are loved, lovable and

loving. I believe that you will get more and more of these things. I

believe that you will continue to believe. I believe in you.

The dangers to a non-BP, physically, emotionally, mentally and

spiritually, are real. Do whatever you need to do to take care of and

protect yourself and your loved ones from the BP(s) in your life, as if

this person, whether a parent, sibling, or whatever, was a stalking,

dangerous stranger. I’ve had a mother (nada) like yours, and so have many

other people. I’ve also had a sibling who was even more interested than

my nada in causing me harm. That behavior will probably continue to get

worse. I have to accept that probability while protecting myself. It’s

helpful for me to remember that I didn’t cause a BP’s illness, I can’t

control it, and I can’t cure it. I am not responsible for any other

adult’s life. They are responsible for their own lives.

There are ways to stay sane while dealing with undeserved, nasty, abusive,

vindictive, destructive behavior. I have to establish and maintain my

boundaries, but other adults cannot be forced to respect them. The more I

give my power away, especially to people for whom there is no end to their

taking from me, the weaker I make myself. This doesn’t mean that I’m

overly selfish or that I’m not a helpful person. I help many people.

First, I have to help and save myself before I can help anyone else.

Then, I may have strength to help others, if I choose to.

I learned that much of my journey had to be solo and that I needed to be

very cautious about with whom I shared it. Many mental health, legal and

law enforcement people, and the general public, don’t know about or

believe that BPD exists, especially in a “mother.” However, there are a

small number of people who understand and are willing to share some of

their experience, strength and hope about dealing with BP’s. Some of them

are here in this group.

All the work you’ve done for yourself, I can relate to. For me, much of

it laid the groundwork for my BPD research and increasing knowledge as a

non-BP. I haven’t had the life I thought I’d lead. However, gradually,

I’m getting over the shock of comprehending the impact of others’ BPD on

my life and accepting it while I continue to move forward. You will, too.

You’ll be okay. Keep posting. Keep coming back.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- fresabird@... wrote:

> I just replied to your other message, but after reading your story I

> wanted to add a couple of things.

>

> A lot of what you describe is very common in bpd parents. The

> " black/white " thinking where she is painting you all black is classic

> bpd. Triangulating where she tries to pit you and your husband against

> each other is also classic. I hope you will read Understanding the

> Borderline Mother and then have your husband read it. Bpd are very

> manipulative, and it sounds like your mother is playing him like a

> fiddle. And trying to portray you as the crazy one is also a classic.

> I know of some KOs (kids of) who were defined as " mentally ill " as

> early as elementary school.

>

> The other thing I wanted to comment on - the manipulation regarding

> your children. Please be very very careful about letting her see them.

> You will find story after story about bpd grandmothers who use the

> children to try to get to the mothers. There is a quote that comes up

> here often " If she wasn't a good mother, she isn't going to make a

> good grandmother. " As you grow stronger and your boundaries do to,

> your mother's behavior may escalate. You definitely don't want your

> children being used as pawns.

>

> I'm so glad you have a therapist who understands and is familiar with

> bpd. Even if you ultimately decide that your mother is not bpd, some

> of her behavior is definitely similar so learning about it and how to

> deal with it will help you in the long run.

>

> Please keep posting here. There are so many here who have walked in

> your shoes and can really help. Sometimes there aren't as many posts

> on the weekend, but it will pick up again on Monday. Also sometimes

> Yahoo has delays in sending the messages, so it can take from 1 minute

> to several hours for messages to go through. Usually they are quick,

> but not always.

>

> And once again - Welcome!

>

> Fresabird

>

>

>

> > I'm new to this group, fairly new to the idea of accepting my mother

> > has boderline personality disorder. I posted something already but

> > didn't see it come up (I'm also new to this type of cyber-support

> > group thing). I started seeing a counselor last year because my

> > mother accused me of being mentally ill. This wasn't the first time

> > she has done this but I was beginning to feel REALLY crazy with all

> > the other stuff surrounding the accusation (she was interferring

> > with my marriage by becoming my husbands confidant without me

> > knowing; calling him to comfort him and him calling her to complain

> > about me when we argued). I wanted to be evaluated by a

> > professional and know what was wrong with me so I could fix it.

> > Through the next months my counselor assured me I wasn't mentally

> > ill/crazy/nuts but suggested that my mother was mentally ill and

> > possibly has BPD. He couldn't make a diagnosis without meeting with

> > her but based on the things my husband and I have shared with him he

> > says he feels pretty confident that is the case, or at the very

> > least she has a serious imbalance.

> >

> > At first I didn't believe he could possibly be correct. I thought

> > maybe he had misunderstood everything I told him so I told him

> > more " bad " about me and have been brutally truthful and exposing in

> > my counseling sessions, holding nothing back. He still maintains

> > his first opinion, with an even stronger sense that she has it. I

> > am beginning to slowly accept the possibility of her having BPD,

> > especially as I read more. I just hope I'm not reading more into

> > what I've read, if that makes sense. I don't want to pin this on

> > her as an excuse not to address my " stuff " .

> >

> > Currently my mother and I are nothing. This happens every so often

> > throughout the years where she will give me the " silent treatment "

> > after I confront her about something. She currently doesn't call

> > me, she is implying to my siblings (there are 5 of us) that I need

> > help. She is accusing me of witholding her grandchildren from

> > seeing her because I'm crazy. This all happened after I confronted

> > her about giving me the cold shoulder when I was visiting after I

> > said something she didn't like. It turned into a HUGE blowout

> > argumnent where she put words in my mouth, slammed doors, screamed,

> > cried. It was insane. After that day she sent out an invitation

> > for a party she was throwing as if nothing happened. When I called

> > she acted very civil and I said " I don't want to pretend like

> > nothing happened between us but I want to upholdyour relationship

> > with the kids " . It was useless. My father called later saying it

> > sounded like they would have to beg to see the kids from now on. I

> > told him that is NOT what I said and in fact if they wanted to see

> > the kids I would do everything I could to make sure it happened.

> > Talking to him if felt like we made huge progress. But when I

> > called him a couple days later it was the same: I'm crazy, I need

> > help, my husband is in a desperate situation, I need to be careful

> > about social services taking the kids away, etc. My counselor

> > thinks my dad is reasonable but after my mom has a say in it he is

> > loyal to her.

> >

> > Ugh. Its all so crazy. I wish I could write down EVERYTHING and

> > get your feedback. I've decided not to talk to my mom without a

> > third person present. So many times in the past she has rearranged

> > my words to mean something so entirely different. She casts a dark

> > light on my ideas and intentions. I end up feeling like I am crazy,

> > that maybe she is right. My counselor assures me I am not mentally

> > ill/crazy and to for the time being to use him as my reality check.

> > My husband told me he would stop " secretly talking " with my mom,

> > that he would use the counselor to vent to instead. As far as I

> > know he has upheld this. I told him he could continue on in that

> > relationship with her, but I would separate from him if he did. It

> > is that stressful to me. I tried asking my mom to stop it too (very

> > nicely) but she told me she doesn't make pledges and if DH is in a

> > desperate situation then it is her duty to be there for him. As far

> > as I know she hasn't tried to secretly contact him.

> >

> > So in the meantime she doesn't see my children. It pisses me off

> > that it is more important for her to act like I'm withholding them

> > than it is to see them. She sees them at family functions and I've

> > said to her in front of others that she is welcome to see them

> > anytime but she ignores me or gives me a funny look.

> >

> > I don't even know for sure if BPD is what she has but whatever it is

> > it is sooo tiring. I'm exhausted from years of trying to relate

> > with her. It is draining. In some ways it is sooooo nice to have

> > this break from her. In other ways it just plain hurts. It is so

> > confusing. She is well respected in her job and the community but

> > then she does this weird stuff to me and my other siblings. This is

> > so long so thanks for reading and I'd love to hear from you.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Man, This is just an incredible post Non-Bp! Wow! I found it very

therapeutic to read for myself:) Same with Freebirds too. Thank you.

Welcome aboard also Cyrushap:) It sounds like you have a really

excellent therapist and a really crappy mother. I sympathize with

the whole opening your eyes part of the process. You may have issues,

but I don't think you are the crazy one when you described your

situation w/your mother and husband and you. Its her duty

to 'protect' you, not 'project' onto you. One letter difference in

the words, but all the difference in the world. I'm glad your dh is

helping you too. That's when things started to really change rapidly

for me - when dh entered therapy with me last year for the first

time so he could get a sense of how to protect me and our family (we

have children also).

Kerrie

> >

> > > I'm new to this group, fairly new to the idea of accepting my

mother

> > > has boderline personality disorder. I posted something already

but

> > > didn't see it come up (I'm also new to this type of cyber-

support

> > > group thing). I started seeing a counselor last year because my

> > > mother accused me of being mentally ill. This wasn't the first

time

> > > she has done this but I was beginning to feel REALLY crazy

with all

> > > the other stuff surrounding the accusation (she was

interferring

> > > with my marriage by becoming my husbands confidant without me

> > > knowing; calling him to comfort him and him calling her to

complain

> > > about me when we argued). I wanted to be evaluated by a

> > > professional and know what was wrong with me so I could fix it.

> > > Through the next months my counselor assured me I wasn't

mentally

> > > ill/crazy/nuts but suggested that my mother was mentally ill

and

> > > possibly has BPD. He couldn't make a diagnosis without meeting

with

> > > her but based on the things my husband and I have shared with

him he

> > > says he feels pretty confident that is the case, or at the very

> > > least she has a serious imbalance.

> > >

> > > At first I didn't believe he could possibly be correct. I

thought

> > > maybe he had misunderstood everything I told him so I told him

> > > more " bad " about me and have been brutally truthful and

exposing in

> > > my counseling sessions, holding nothing back. He still

maintains

> > > his first opinion, with an even stronger sense that she has

it. I

> > > am beginning to slowly accept the possibility of her having

BPD,

> > > especially as I read more. I just hope I'm not reading more

into

> > > what I've read, if that makes sense. I don't want to pin this

on

> > > her as an excuse not to address my " stuff " .

> > >

> > > Currently my mother and I are nothing. This happens every so

often

> > > throughout the years where she will give me the " silent

treatment "

> > > after I confront her about something. She currently doesn't

call

> > > me, she is implying to my siblings (there are 5 of us) that I

need

> > > help. She is accusing me of witholding her grandchildren from

> > > seeing her because I'm crazy. This all happened after I

confronted

> > > her about giving me the cold shoulder when I was visiting

after I

> > > said something she didn't like. It turned into a HUGE blowout

> > > argumnent where she put words in my mouth, slammed doors,

screamed,

> > > cried. It was insane. After that day she sent out an invitation

> > > for a party she was throwing as if nothing happened. When I

called

> > > she acted very civil and I said " I don't want to pretend like

> > > nothing happened between us but I want to upholdyour

relationship

> > > with the kids " . It was useless. My father called later saying

it

> > > sounded like they would have to beg to see the kids from now

on. I

> > > told him that is NOT what I said and in fact if they wanted to

see

> > > the kids I would do everything I could to make sure it

happened.

> > > Talking to him if felt like we made huge progress. But when I

> > > called him a couple days later it was the same: I'm crazy, I

need

> > > help, my husband is in a desperate situation, I need to be

careful

> > > about social services taking the kids away, etc. My counselor

> > > thinks my dad is reasonable but after my mom has a say in it

he is

> > > loyal to her.

> > >

> > > Ugh. Its all so crazy. I wish I could write down EVERYTHING and

> > > get your feedback. I've decided not to talk to my mom without a

> > > third person present. So many times in the past she has

rearranged

> > > my words to mean something so entirely different. She casts a

dark

> > > light on my ideas and intentions. I end up feeling like I am

crazy,

> > > that maybe she is right. My counselor assures me I am not

mentally

> > > ill/crazy and to for the time being to use him as my reality

check.

> > > My husband told me he would stop " secretly talking " with my

mom,

> > > that he would use the counselor to vent to instead. As far as I

> > > know he has upheld this. I told him he could continue on in

that

> > > relationship with her, but I would separate from him if he

did. It

> > > is that stressful to me. I tried asking my mom to stop it too

(very

> > > nicely) but she told me she doesn't make pledges and if DH is

in a

> > > desperate situation then it is her duty to be there for him.

As far

> > > as I know she hasn't tried to secretly contact him.

> > >

> > > So in the meantime she doesn't see my children. It pisses me

off

> > > that it is more important for her to act like I'm withholding

them

> > > than it is to see them. She sees them at family functions and

I've

> > > said to her in front of others that she is welcome to see them

> > > anytime but she ignores me or gives me a funny look.

> > >

> > > I don't even know for sure if BPD is what she has but whatever

it is

> > > it is sooo tiring. I'm exhausted from years of trying to relate

> > > with her. It is draining. In some ways it is sooooo nice to

have

> > > this break from her. In other ways it just plain hurts. It is

so

> > > confusing. She is well respected in her job and the community

but

> > > then she does this weird stuff to me and my other siblings.

This is

> > > so long so thanks for reading and I'd love to hear from you.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >