Guest guest Posted September 19, 2006 Report Share Posted September 19, 2006 Wow, I can SO relate to that feeling! What I'm working on now is surrendering control.... control of my circumstances, control of all the people and events in my life and just letting everything and everyone else be the way they are. Kind of like, just letting whatever happens happen. (It's hard!!) I'm realizing that, after a lifetime of always waiting for the other shoe to drop, my ONLY defense (and feeling of safety) was in the illusion that I'd be be able to anticipate Nada's rages (good luck!) and somehow prevent them from happening or in being able to control or minimize them when they DID happen (in other words, my only hope was in trying to control the uncontrollable behavior of someone else....) Control really meant safety to me, and still does. Anyhow, not sure if this makes any sense, but that's what I'm working on and it really seems to be helping with my anxiety levels in general! Shana Anxiety levels To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > I notice when I have any major uphevel in my life my anxiety > level > sky rockets. It comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop. > Fear of > the unexpected due to not knowing what was coming next from > nada. Man > I hate this feeling. I tell myself that I am going to be fine > and the > end of the world is not coming, just settle down. It only seems > to > pass in time though. It passes when I truely see I will be okay. > That > the anxiety level subsides. Any suggestions???? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2006 Report Share Posted September 19, 2006 Shana, Do you suppose that isolating or feeling of wanting to isolating can be linked to control, as you so aptly put it: What I'm working on now is surrendering control.... control of my circumstances, control of all the people and events in my life and just letting everything and everyone else be the way they are. Kind of like, just letting whatever happens happen. (It's hard!!) That's what popped into my mind after I read your post. If I don't go out, than I am in total control. hmmmm... OK, I'm switching from pearls of wisdom to diamonds. ;o) Thank you for your diamond of wisdom, Greg. slarsen988@... wrote: Wow, I can SO relate to that feeling! What I'm working on now is surrendering control.... control of my circumstances, control of all the people and events in my life and just letting everything and everyone else be the way they are. Kind of like, just letting whatever happens happen. (It's hard!!) I'm realizing that, after a lifetime of always waiting for the other shoe to drop, my ONLY defense (and feeling of safety) was in the illusion that I'd be be able to anticipate Nada's rages (good luck!) and somehow prevent them from happening or in being able to control or minimize them when they DID happen (in other words, my only hope was in trying to control the uncontrollable behavior of someone else....) Control really meant safety to me, and still does. Anyhow, not sure if this makes any sense, but that's what I'm working on and it really seems to be helping with my anxiety levels in general! Shana Anxiety levels To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > I notice when I have any major uphevel in my life my anxiety > level > sky rockets. It comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop. > Fear of > the unexpected due to not knowing what was coming next from > nada. Man > I hate this feeling. I tell myself that I am going to be fine > and the > end of the world is not coming, just settle down. It only seems > to > pass in time though. It passes when I truely see I will be okay. > That > the anxiety level subsides. Any suggestions???? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2006 Report Share Posted September 19, 2006 and Kath and All, I've read research where kids that grew up in extremely stressful homes can make physiological changes. The amygdala is larger and sends more signals to produce more adrenalin and noradrenal, which is normally modulated by the frontal cortex. But these signals don't get to the frontal cortex, that controls judgement = should I be anxious about this - if yes, amygdala produce the adrenalin and etc., - if no, don't. If I remember correctly, the pituitary also undergoes some changes. The good news is that the old idea that the brain you were born with is that way for life is wrong. I took an entire class on the plasticity (ability of the brain to regenerate new cells, extinguish old neuro-connections and build new ones). Greg. Kath wrote: , I totally feel that way. I definitely have that open-ended fear of life...waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I make it worse for myself. If I don't have something to direct my anxiety towards (a work/school deadline, an upcoming event, don't forget to send so-n-so a birthday card), then I feel I must be missing something, and I get anxious about that. That being the case, I think I perpetuate my anxiety sometimes: I give myself something to worry about just so I have something to direct my anxiety towards. I almost feel the anxiety is normal, and so I cultivate it. Very bad habit. If I'm not anxious about something, then that means I totally don't care. It's one or the other. If I care about an event/project, I go over every detail in my head, what might happen, how I might react. The only way for me to drop that anxiety is to convince myself not to care at all. I don't feel this is the right solution thou, but it's hard for me to say to myself " I did my best. Que Sera Sera. " I feel this did me in all thru school. Group projects were difficult because I wasn't in control of what everyone else was doing, & I would tend to get bossy. And my individual grades would swing between A & F because if I couldn't get everything right & have it perfectly the way I wanted (or was expected to), then I'd stop caring at all. I was gonna get in trouble for being anything less than perfect anyways. So if I got yelled at for bad grades, or poor performance, at least I'd be getting yelled at for something reasonable, and besides, I'd learned to deal with getting yelled at quite well. This lead me to a life of perpetual procrastination: It must be perfect & I can't hand it in/send it out/present it/etc. until it is perfect. This results in not being done on time, which in itself is an imperfection... eventually my thought process leads to " why finish at all? " Which in turn leads to " Why start at all? " And the procrastination gives me something to be anxious about as opposed to being anxious over nothing in particular. Knowing is half the battle, but it's still a battle. I've never been on medication for anxiety, sometimes I wonder if I should... but then I worry about the idea of medicating myself... > > > > > > > > > > I notice when I have any major uphevel in my life my anxiety level > > sky rockets. It comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop. Fear > of > > the unexpected due to not knowing what was coming next from nada. > Man > > I hate this feeling. I tell myself that I am going to be fine and > the > > end of the world is not coming, just settle down. It only seems to > > pass in time though. It passes when I truely see I will be okay. > That > > the anxiety level subsides. Any suggestions???? > > > --------------------------------- Talk is cheap. Use Yahoo! Messenger to make PC-to-Phone calls. Great rates starting at 1¢/min. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2006 Report Share Posted September 19, 2006 I like your suggestion,Greg-Its a good one > > > I notice when I have any major uphevel in my life my anxiety level > sky rockets. It comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop. Fear of > the unexpected due to not knowing what was coming next from nada. Man > I hate this feeling. I tell myself that I am going to be fine and the > end of the world is not coming, just settle down. It only seems to > pass in time though. It passes when I truely see I will be okay. That > the anxiety level subsides. Any suggestions???? > > > > > > __________________________________________________ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2006 Report Share Posted September 19, 2006 Okay my anxiety levels are sky rocketing. My husband is trying to understand, but he hasn't lived the experience...you all have !! My phone rang tonight, 5 min. before I went to bed. Caller i.d. said it was my aunt (nada's sister who sees me as the black sheep). I chose to ignore the call and because I don't have an answering machine anymore, no message was left. It has been 3 months of no contact, but my nada has just visited with my children at her house for several days...Anyway, the phone rang two minutes later with a cell phone number I didn't recognize. I can't seem to settle myself...Thoughts are racing, maybe someone got hurt, maybe my mother has tried to kill herself, is my mother trying to make contact, will my mother stop by to see if the lights are on....maybe it was just my nice cousin calling to see how I'm doing? NOW I'm wide awake bruiting about NOTHING !! I guess it is the fear of the unknown. Who will call tomorrow? Make it stop !!! Any suggestions for my absolute craziness !! KW > >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1 >To: WTOAdultChildren1 >Subject: Re: Anxiety levels >Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2006 00:03:55 -0000 > >I like your suggestion,Greg-Its a good one > > > > > > > > > I notice when I have any major uphevel in my life my anxiety level > > sky rockets. It comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop. >Fear of > > the unexpected due to not knowing what was coming next from nada. >Man > > I hate this feeling. I tell myself that I am going to be fine and >the > > end of the world is not coming, just settle down. It only seems to > > pass in time though. It passes when I truely see I will be okay. >That > > the anxiety level subsides. Any suggestions???? > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2006 Report Share Posted September 19, 2006 KW, Here are two techniques that two different therapists have recommended to me. One is to imagine the worst possible thing that can happen, and imagine yourself going through it. The idea is to show yourself that you can handle it, no matter what happens, you will survive. The other technique is to imagine yourself doing something absolutely thrilling until the panic ends. The idea is that your body has already started the adrenaline in motion, so try to make your brain enjoy it. Imagine yourself on a swing, or a roller coaster, or having sex, or dancing--whatever high heartbeat thing you enjoy the most-- until it is gone. Another technique I've been told is try to find the thought that is leading to the catastrophizing, and nip that thought in the bud. In your case it might be: nada can hurt me! nada can make me feel tortured! So just keep telling yourself nada CAN'T hurt you. Imagine yourself three years old, and talk to the three year old, and tell them the same thing. The trick is to keep finding new techniques and to keep trying them all out until you find the combination that actually soothes you. Good luck! > > > > > > > > > I notice when I have any major uphevel in my life my anxiety level > > > sky rockets. It comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop. > >Fear of > > > the unexpected due to not knowing what was coming next from nada. > >Man > > > I hate this feeling. I tell myself that I am going to be fine and > >the > > > end of the world is not coming, just settle down. It only seems to > > > pass in time though. It passes when I truely see I will be okay. > >That > > > the anxiety level subsides. Any suggestions???? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2006 Report Share Posted September 19, 2006 KW, If it truly is an emergent situation, someone will stop by and ring your doorbell. To get the anxiety down, I would write out/journal what I am feeling and not sensor it, just journal for 20 minutes non stop writing. Then I would say out loud, " I'm done with this tonight " out loud. (I put things in God's hands -so to speak) I would heat up some milk on the stove, which will generate some triptophan (a natural sedative/sleep aid) and go to bed. If at that point i still can't sleep, I will get up and watch one of my favorite comedies. We were raised around catastrophizing thinking and had it shoved down our throats. As adults we don't have to do that. What if your aunt just called b/c your nada just visited and wants to stir up the drama? We're more vulnerable when we are tired and they know that. And sometimes they call really late b/c they are feeling their own fears and want to tag you with it or do something to make you feel bad, so they feel better. Out of all the times in your life you have imagined that your mother has killed herself or died, did she? Hope you're already asleep, Greg. Willette wrote: Okay my anxiety levels are sky rocketing. My husband is trying to understand, but he hasn't lived the experience...you all have !! My phone rang tonight, 5 min. before I went to bed. Caller i.d. said it was my aunt (nada's sister who sees me as the black sheep). I chose to ignore the call and because I don't have an answering machine anymore, no message was left. It has been 3 months of no contact, but my nada has just visited with my children at her house for several days...Anyway, the phone rang two minutes later with a cell phone number I didn't recognize. I can't seem to settle myself...Thoughts are racing, maybe someone got hurt, maybe my mother has tried to kill herself, is my mother trying to make contact, will my mother stop by to see if the lights are on....maybe it was just my nice cousin calling to see how I'm doing? NOW I'm wide awake bruiting about NOTHING !! I guess it is the fear of the unknown. Who will call tomorrow? Make it stop !!! Any suggestions for my absolute craziness !! KW >From: " maryec73 " >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1 >To: WTOAdultChildren1 >Subject: Re: Anxiety levels >Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2006 00:03:55 -0000 > >I like your suggestion,Greg-Its a good one > > > > > > > > > I notice when I have any major uphevel in my life my anxiety level > > sky rockets. It comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop. >Fear of > > the unexpected due to not knowing what was coming next from nada. >Man > > I hate this feeling. I tell myself that I am going to be fine and >the > > end of the world is not coming, just settle down. It only seems to > > pass in time though. It passes when I truely see I will be okay. >That > > the anxiety level subsides. Any suggestions???? > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 20, 2006 Report Share Posted September 20, 2006 Greg, that's a really interesting connection -- isolating as a means to control. For me, I think isolating was definitely about low self-esteem, too (I hate that term! It sounds so trite!) It was kind of a combination of fear of people and fear of being rejected (due to my inherent worthlessness). And yeah, there's also a part of me that's always felt " less than " with other people -- I think it has to do with growing up in a family where no one else knew about Nada's crazy behavior but me and, both as a kid and an adult, not being believed that this woman was being so abusive. The thing is, as an adult, I can learn to trust my own reality despite what other people think -- and that's really been helping with low self-esteem. I think this journey you're on -- that everyone here is on -- is about reclaiming yourself and your own truth. Ever since I realized Nada has BPD, I've been getting so much stronger and find myself acting in shockingly assertive ways. Also, I've been kinder to myself physically -- I started a nutrition/exercise program (really unusual for me!) without even consciously deciding to and have already dropped 20 pounds. It's like the Diagnose-Your-Nada Diet!! I also started making myself and my comfort and happiness a priority in other ways -- which is hard sometimes as a single mom -- but I'm learning it's not " selfish " to be kind to myself (which was her constant accusation, that I was selfish anytime I acted in a self-respecting way or defended any boundary or did anything just because I wanted to.) I'm also standing up to my verbally abusive ex-H for the first time ever and setting new boundaries with him (my new policy: Zero Tolerance for Abuse.) I guess what I'm realizing is that SO MUCH of my sense of self was tied into her opinions about me -- and I've always believed they were true -- but now that I realize she's got this illness and sees me in this highly-distorted way, I'M the one who gets to say who I really am and how I behave. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm rambling. The point is, the better I feel about myself and life in general, the easier it is to release control and trust that the universe wants the best for me and just let things happen without having to control everything. The happier and more normal and relaxed I feel, the less I worry what other people think about me -- so I don't isolate as much now. It's a process, though, and I really think the most important thing is to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to make small changes in behavior... they really start to add up. I'm finding little things I didn't think would make a difference (like just working out) are making ALL the difference. I really liked what you wrote about brain science, btw -- I really feel like in the past few months my brain has just CHANGED, if that makes sense, because I'm not the same person anymore. Shana Anxiety levels > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > > > > > > I notice when I have any major uphevel in my life my anxiety > > level > > sky rockets. It comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop. > > Fear of > > the unexpected due to not knowing what was coming next from > > nada. Man > > I hate this feeling. I tell myself that I am going to be fine > > and the > > end of the world is not coming, just settle down. It only > seems > > to > > pass in time though. It passes when I truely see I will be > okay. > > That > > the anxiety level subsides. Any suggestions???? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 20, 2006 Report Share Posted September 20, 2006 Thank you everyone for your support. You are right. The sun is up, it is a new day and no one hurt me. The police didn't come to the door and I slept after taking some xanax. The excessive worry got me no where but tired. KW > >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1 >To: WTOAdultChildren1 >Subject: RE: Re: Anxiety levels >Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2006 20:52:11 -0700 (PDT) > >KW, > > If it truly is an emergent situation, someone will stop by and ring your >doorbell. To get the anxiety down, I would write out/journal what I am >feeling and not sensor it, just journal for 20 minutes non stop writing. >Then I would say out loud, " I'm done with this tonight " out loud. (I put >things in God's hands -so to speak) I would heat up some milk on the >stove, which will generate some triptophan (a natural sedative/sleep aid) >and go to bed. > > If at that point i still can't sleep, I will get up and watch one of my >favorite comedies. We were raised around catastrophizing thinking and had >it shoved down our throats. As adults we don't have to do that. What if >your aunt just called b/c your nada just visited and wants to stir up the >drama? We're more vulnerable when we are tired and they know that. And >sometimes they call really late b/c they are feeling their own fears and >want to tag you with it or do something to make you feel bad, so they feel >better. Out of all the times in your life you have imagined that your >mother has killed herself or died, did she? > > Hope you're already asleep, > > Greg. > > Willette wrote: > Okay my anxiety levels are sky rocketing. My husband is trying to >understand, but he hasn't lived the experience...you all have !! My phone >rang tonight, 5 min. before I went to bed. Caller i.d. said it was my aunt >(nada's sister who sees me as the black sheep). I chose to ignore the call >and because I don't have an answering machine anymore, no message was left. >It has been 3 months of no contact, but my nada has just visited with my >children at her house for several days...Anyway, the phone rang two minutes >later with a cell phone number I didn't recognize. I can't seem to settle >myself...Thoughts are racing, maybe someone got hurt, maybe my mother has >tried to kill herself, is my mother trying to make contact, will my mother >stop by to see if the lights are on....maybe it was just my nice cousin >calling to see how I'm doing? NOW I'm wide awake bruiting about NOTHING !! >I guess it is the fear of the unknown. Who will call tomorrow? Make it >stop !!! Any suggestions for my absolute craziness !! > >KW > > > >From: " maryec73 " > >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1 > >To: WTOAdultChildren1 > >Subject: Re: Anxiety levels > >Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2006 00:03:55 -0000 > > > >I like your suggestion,Greg-Its a good one > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I notice when I have any major uphevel in my life my anxiety level > > > sky rockets. It comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop. > >Fear of > > > the unexpected due to not knowing what was coming next from nada. > >Man > > > I hate this feeling. I tell myself that I am going to be fine and > >the > > > end of the world is not coming, just settle down. It only seems to > > > pass in time though. It passes when I truely see I will be okay. > >That > > > the anxiety level subsides. Any suggestions???? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 20, 2006 Report Share Posted September 20, 2006 Hear, Hear! I just got in from a 3 mile run and it's a beautiful day! Whether you walk, run, bike, take the dog out, whatever -- it reminds us that we're in a big, beautiful world, and that there's something out there bigger than our problems! Exercise does seem to release the knots we tie ourselves into.....The weather is getting nicer now that it's fall -- get out and enjoy your world! Kyla > > > I notice when I have any major uphevel in my life my anxiety level > sky rockets. It comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop. Fear of > the unexpected due to not knowing what was coming next from nada. Man > I hate this feeling. I tell myself that I am going to be fine and the > end of the world is not coming, just settle down. It only seems to > pass in time though. It passes when I truely see I will be okay. That > the anxiety level subsides. Any suggestions???? > > > > > > __________________________________________________ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 20, 2006 Report Share Posted September 20, 2006 Hello all. I'm glad this thread got started so that I could pick up on it. I've been dealing with anxiety a lot lately--sleeping every other night, spacing out because I'm worrying about stuff, catastrophizing. All the usual good stuff, but when I finally got a chance to take a breather and check up on this board, there was a whole thread of coping techniques waiting. Thanks everyone. Trish > > > > > > I notice when I have any major uphevel in my life my anxiety level > > sky rockets. It comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop. > Fear of > > the unexpected due to not knowing what was coming next from nada. > Man > > I hate this feeling. I tell myself that I am going to be fine and > the > > end of the world is not coming, just settle down. It only seems to > > pass in time though. It passes when I truely see I will be okay. > That > > the anxiety level subsides. Any suggestions???? > > > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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