Guest guest Posted September 19, 2006 Report Share Posted September 19, 2006 Charlie, It's good to see you post again. Missed you. I don't see that you did anything to feel guilty about. In fact, good for you for protecting yourself. You didn't bite her hooks. And she was fishing big time. I wouldn't want to spend any time with someone who is obviously not going to change, is projecting her own vulgarity onto anyone in the room, and someone who demands that much attention. No wonder you feel that she doesn't deserve to be on this earth. She's on Mars! She's so toxic. When it's in my power, I stay away from toxic people, b/c as you put it, you get slimed. You're too good of a person to get slimed. Take care, Greg. charlottehoneychurch wrote: Hi everyone, I've got a recent antecdote I need to share. First may I say welcome to the newcomers, and also that it's especially nice to see some names I haven't for awhile-- , Kerrie, cre8-- just to name a few. I am in a part of my recovery now where I don't post (or read) as much as I used to, but I still value all of you tremendously and am grateful you're out there when I do need to post. And I need to now for sure, if only to try and get some of this slime off me. I have a longstanding policy not to watch tv with nada. I established this before I even knew about bpd, because she made me so uncomfortable. I didn't know why then; I just knew that whenever I tried to watch tv w/her, she made me feel awful and uncomfortable. Well, I know more now. And I've done something that I feel very guilty about, I think. I would appreciate input from the rest of the board. For various reasons, which I hope include my own newfound skills, I am split very good right now. Being aware of that, and being at nada's house one evening recently, I knew that if I watched a bit of tv with her, I would be split even more good. And a game show was on, so I figured that wouldn't be so bad--no action or characters for nada to comment on, no story for nada to ugly-fy or ruin. Boy, was I wrong on that one. I watched a game show with nada. Or-well--part of one. First, overall, I now realize that nada must make the entire experience about her. Everyone must have *her* reaction to the show, whatever it is, and we must in truth be watching *her*, not the tv. So, she has to comment and basically be in control of the entire situation. Watching tv is really not allowed, you see--only watching her is allowed. I now understand why she would never let me watch the XFiles or other sorts of drama shows--she would always come and try to ask me some banal question and keep me from hearing key parts of the dialogue. She couldn't bear for me to be paying attention to something else, ANYTHING else. So. Now that is understood. But that's just nada being a three year old. That's not my moral dilemna. It's this. Now-- in my defense, I did not plan to watch a show w/nada, and I didn't have any defenses planned for this sortof behavior. I had almost forgotten the type of things she says, because I avoid these situations. Well, the first thing she does is start making racist comments. Several of them. And I did not react at all. I was perfectly silent. When I was a child, I used to call her on that sh*t, and all she would do is just project hostility onto me--I didn't mean it like *that*, why are you *attacking* me, why are you so *hostile*? So, it wouldn't have worked. But that's not why I remained silent. It's because I didn't want to get split black. It would have been too painful. I did not stand up against racism, because I was trying to avoid the consequences to myself. yes--they would have been intolerable, but, my God. I feel awful. Then she made some comments that, in her lurid nada way, were terribly insulting to my father's family, and yet also terribly racist at the same time. And by the way, since she is a high-functioning nada, these are always by implication, they are never exactly direct. They are completely obvious for the most part but have the tiniest amount of wiggle room, maybe 2%, just enough so that nada can project comfortably if challenged. Again, I did not defend my father. I just didn't respond at all. Finally, she made several comments about the 'immoral' women on the show, saying for example that their 'boobs were hanging out' of their clothes. I can't tell you how often I heard that ugly phrase growing up. She was obsessed with it, and used it to describe many a normal, modest outfit or prom dress. It made me feel very uncomfortable, it always has--it has always made me feel sexually violated. She cannot handle ANY sexuality at all, none, and any time any sortof sexuality is even hinted at on tv, she projects her discomfort onto the innocents in the room. She then does not feel it--I do. I still do. I can't even watch loves scenes in movies by myself, much less with good friends. I know I was in a lose-lose situation, and that confronting her on each of her appalling comments would not have made her admit to them or change her behavior. But maybe taking on the authoritative parent attitude would have--as some of you know, it can work when you say--'no, missy, you will NOT talk about people that way in front of me, or I'm leaving', and just stick to your guns on the rule no matter what they try to project. I wasn't prepared. I had forgotten, to be honest, what APPALLING things nada says about other people. Just insults to peoples' BASIC human dignity. Just portraying them as ugly and desperate and pathetic. Finally I walked away from the show, pretending to be done with dinner. I know what I am about to say sounds harsh, but as I walked away I did not see why my nada had the right to exist on this earth. She contributes absolutely nothing; or if she does, it must be cancelled out by the terrible insults and degradation she commits on others. I want to be in a position where I never have to feel slimed and compromised like this, as if I didn't stand up against racism, or for my father, or even for women who are not *that* scantily clad, and certainly not in a pornographic movie (which is how she spoke of them--it was in her tone). I feel awful about it. No more tv with nada! I feel so confused, and guilty because I benefitted from staying silent--I really did. She did all kinds of helpful things because I was split good that visit. Ugh. Thoughts? I'd appreciate them. Take care everyone, Charlie --------------------------------- Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+ countries) for 2¢/min or less. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2006 Report Share Posted September 19, 2006 Thanks for the validation Greg. I still feel I should have done something. It's difficult. I think some of my deepest scars are the ones where nada makes me feel I am taking part in the persecution. Vulgarity it a good word for it. She actually uses that word a lot to describe other people--must be projection. I certainly hope you did that leaf-gathering for the teenage Greg last week! And asked him what else he wanted. Charlotte > Hi everyone, I've got a recent antecdote I need to share. First may I say welcome to the > newcomers, and also that it's especially nice to see some names I haven't for awhile-- > , Kerrie, cre8-- just to name a few. I am in a part of my recovery now where I don't > post (or read) as much as I used to, but I still value all of you tremendously and am > grateful you're out there when I do need to post. And I need to now for sure, if only to try > and get some of this slime off me. > > I have a longstanding policy not to watch tv with nada. I established this before I even > knew about bpd, because she made me so uncomfortable. I didn't know why then; I just > knew that whenever I tried to watch tv w/her, she made me feel awful and uncomfortable. > > Well, I know more now. And I've done something that I feel very guilty about, I think. I > would appreciate input from the rest of the board. For various reasons, which I hope > include my own newfound skills, I am split very good right now. Being aware of that, and > being at nada's house one evening recently, I knew that if I watched a bit of tv with her, I > would be split even more good. And a game show was on, so I figured that wouldn't be so > bad--no action or characters for nada to comment on, no story for nada to ugly-fy or > ruin. Boy, was I wrong on that one. > > I watched a game show with nada. Or-well--part of one. First, overall, I now realize that > nada must make the entire experience about her. Everyone must have *her* reaction to > the show, whatever it is, and we must in truth be watching *her*, not the tv. So, she has > to comment and basically be in control of the entire situation. Watching tv is really not > allowed, you see--only watching her is allowed. I now understand why she would never > let me watch the XFiles or other sorts of drama shows--she would always come and try to > ask me some banal question and keep me from hearing key parts of the dialogue. She > couldn't bear for me to be paying attention to something else, ANYTHING else. So. Now > that is understood. > > But that's just nada being a three year old. That's not my moral dilemna. It's this. Now-- > in my defense, I did not plan to watch a show w/nada, and I didn't have any defenses > planned for this sortof behavior. I had almost forgotten the type of things she says, > because I avoid these situations. Well, the first thing she does is start making racist > comments. Several of them. And I did not react at all. I was perfectly silent. When I was > a child, I used to call her on that sh*t, and all she would do is just project hostility onto > me--I didn't mean it like *that*, why are you *attacking* me, why are you so *hostile*? So, > it wouldn't have worked. But that's not why I remained silent. It's because I didn't want to > get split black. It would have been too painful. I did not stand up against racism, because > I was trying to avoid the consequences to myself. yes--they would have been intolerable, > but, my God. I feel awful. > > Then she made some comments that, in her lurid nada way, were terribly insulting to my > father's family, and yet also terribly racist at the same time. And by the way, since she is a > high-functioning nada, these are always by implication, they are never exactly direct. > They are completely obvious for the most part but have the tiniest amount of wiggle room, > maybe 2%, just enough so that nada can project comfortably if challenged. Again, I did > not defend my father. I just didn't respond at all. > > Finally, she made several comments about the 'immoral' women on the show, saying for > example that their 'boobs were hanging out' of their clothes. I can't tell you how often I > heard that ugly phrase growing up. She was obsessed with it, and used it to describe > many a normal, modest outfit or prom dress. It made me feel very uncomfortable, it > always has--it has always made me feel sexually violated. She cannot handle ANY > sexuality at all, none, and any time any sortof sexuality is even hinted at on tv, she > projects her discomfort onto the innocents in the room. She then does not feel it--I do. I > still do. I can't even watch loves scenes in movies by myself, much less with good friends. > > I know I was in a lose-lose situation, and that confronting her on each of her appalling > comments would not have made her admit to them or change her behavior. But maybe > taking on the authoritative parent attitude would have--as some of you know, it can work > when you say--'no, missy, you will NOT talk about people that way in front of me, or I'm > leaving', and just stick to your guns on the rule no matter what they try to project. I wasn't > prepared. I had forgotten, to be honest, what APPALLING things nada says about other > people. Just insults to peoples' BASIC human dignity. Just portraying them as ugly and > desperate and pathetic. Finally I walked away from the show, pretending to be done with > dinner. I know what I am about to say sounds harsh, but as I walked away I did not see > why my nada had the right to exist on this earth. She contributes absolutely nothing; or if > she does, it must be cancelled out by the terrible insults and degradation she commits on > others. > > I want to be in a position where I never have to feel slimed and compromised like this, as if > I didn't stand up against racism, or for my father, or even for women who are not *that* > scantily clad, and certainly not in a pornographic movie (which is how she spoke of > them--it was in her tone). I feel awful about it. No more tv with nada! I feel so confused, > and guilty because I benefitted from staying silent--I really did. She did all kinds of > helpful things because I was split good that visit. > > Ugh. Thoughts? I'd appreciate them. > > Take care everyone, > Charlie > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+ countries) for 2¢/min or less. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 19, 2006 Report Share Posted September 19, 2006 Aw, Charlie, I know you feel badly for not standing up for your principles, but I am reminded of the old proverb about teaching a pig to sing. (In case anybody doesn't know it, " It wastes your time, and annoys the pig. " ) Your nada's never going to " get " real moral values any more than a feedlot hog is going to break into " Vesti la giubba " from Pagliacci! As for just letting yourself remain split-good by not rocking the boat, I think you have to realise that even the treatment you get from a nada that's splitting you good is less than a bad daughter deserves, let alone a good one. And you ARE a good daughter, the best you can be to such a bad mother. A bad daughter wouldn't even worry about the morality of the situation! Also, it's absolutely normal to feel soiled, violated, and poisoned after you've been around a nada in one of those moods. It's like they ooze poison through their pores and it gets into the air. My nada had that EXACT same mood, and also was much-obsessed with television. One of my lightbulb moments was the day I realised that the characters on her favourite soap were just as real to her as I was. And that's the thing with BPs...others are not real to them. SO, you can't judge your behaviour towards them by the same moral yardstick as you can somebody with actual empathy and a real moral centre (which I don't believe BPs are capable of maintaining). So, cut yourself some slack. You gained much more " good karma " by sharing this with us than you would have by confronting your nada. Righteous Hugs to you! > > Hi everyone, I've got a recent antecdote I need to share. First may I say welcome > to the > > newcomers, and also that it's especially nice to see some names I haven't for awhile-- > > , Kerrie, cre8-- just to name a few. I am in a part of my recovery now where I don't > > post (or read) as much as I used to, but I still value all of you tremendously and am > > grateful you're out there when I do need to post. And I need to now for sure, if only to > try > > and get some of this slime off me. > > > > I have a longstanding policy not to watch tv with nada. I established this before I even > > knew about bpd, because she made me so uncomfortable. I didn't know why then; I just > > knew that whenever I tried to watch tv w/her, she made me feel awful and > uncomfortable. > > > > Well, I know more now. And I've done something that I feel very guilty about, I think. I > > would appreciate input from the rest of the board. For various reasons, which I hope > > include my own newfound skills, I am split very good right now. Being aware of that, and > > being at nada's house one evening recently, I knew that if I watched a bit of tv with her, I > > would be split even more good. And a game show was on, so I figured that wouldn't be > so > > bad--no action or characters for nada to comment on, no story for nada to ugly-fy or > > ruin. Boy, was I wrong on that one. > > > > I watched a game show with nada. Or-well--part of one. First, overall, I now realize that > > nada must make the entire experience about her. Everyone must have *her* reaction to > > the show, whatever it is, and we must in truth be watching *her*, not the tv. So, she has > > to comment and basically be in control of the entire situation. Watching tv is really not > > allowed, you see--only watching her is allowed. I now understand why she would never > > let me watch the XFiles or other sorts of drama shows--she would always come and try > to > > ask me some banal question and keep me from hearing key parts of the dialogue. She > > couldn't bear for me to be paying attention to something else, ANYTHING else. So. Now > > that is understood. > > > > But that's just nada being a three year old. That's not my moral dilemna. It's this. Now-- > > in my defense, I did not plan to watch a show w/nada, and I didn't have any defenses > > planned for this sortof behavior. I had almost forgotten the type of things she says, > > because I avoid these situations. Well, the first thing she does is start making racist > > comments. Several of them. And I did not react at all. I was perfectly silent. When I was > > a child, I used to call her on that sh*t, and all she would do is just project hostility onto > > me--I didn't mean it like *that*, why are you *attacking* me, why are you so *hostile*? > So, > > it wouldn't have worked. But that's not why I remained silent. It's because I didn't want > to > > get split black. It would have been too painful. I did not stand up against racism, > because > > I was trying to avoid the consequences to myself. yes--they would have been > intolerable, > > but, my God. I feel awful. > > > > Then she made some comments that, in her lurid nada way, were terribly insulting to my > > father's family, and yet also terribly racist at the same time. And by the way, since she is > a > > high-functioning nada, these are always by implication, they are never exactly direct. > > They are completely obvious for the most part but have the tiniest amount of wiggle > room, > > maybe 2%, just enough so that nada can project comfortably if challenged. Again, I did > > not defend my father. I just didn't respond at all. > > > > Finally, she made several comments about the 'immoral' women on the show, saying for > > example that their 'boobs were hanging out' of their clothes. I can't tell you how often I > > heard that ugly phrase growing up. She was obsessed with it, and used it to describe > > many a normal, modest outfit or prom dress. It made me feel very uncomfortable, it > > always has--it has always made me feel sexually violated. She cannot handle ANY > > sexuality at all, none, and any time any sortof sexuality is even hinted at on tv, she > > projects her discomfort onto the innocents in the room. She then does not feel it--I do. > I > > still do. I can't even watch loves scenes in movies by myself, much less with good > friends. > > > > I know I was in a lose-lose situation, and that confronting her on each of her appalling > > comments would not have made her admit to them or change her behavior. But maybe > > taking on the authoritative parent attitude would have--as some of you know, it can > work > > when you say--'no, missy, you will NOT talk about people that way in front of me, or I'm > > leaving', and just stick to your guns on the rule no matter what they try to project. I > wasn't > > prepared. I had forgotten, to be honest, what APPALLING things nada says about other > > people. Just insults to peoples' BASIC human dignity. Just portraying them as ugly and > > desperate and pathetic. Finally I walked away from the show, pretending to be done with > > dinner. I know what I am about to say sounds harsh, but as I walked away I did not see > > why my nada had the right to exist on this earth. She contributes absolutely nothing; or > if > > she does, it must be cancelled out by the terrible insults and degradation she commits > on > > others. > > > > I want to be in a position where I never have to feel slimed and compromised like this, > as if > > I didn't stand up against racism, or for my father, or even for women who are not *that* > > scantily clad, and certainly not in a pornographic movie (which is how she spoke of > > them--it was in her tone). I feel awful about it. No more tv with nada! I feel so confused, > > and guilty because I benefitted from staying silent--I really did. She did all kinds of > > helpful things because I was split good that visit. > > > > Ugh. Thoughts? I'd appreciate them. > > > > Take care everyone, > > Charlie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+ countries) for > 2¢/min or less. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 20, 2006 Report Share Posted September 20, 2006 WOW. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this story -- you've set off major lightbulbs for me. I always avoided watching tv with my nada and always felt guilty about this and never understood why I was even doing it.... but I could SO relate to what you were saying that now I really do understand!!! It's really important for newbies like me to hear this stuff -- so thank you again, big time! Shana nadas and television To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Hi everyone, I've got a recent antecdote I need to share. First > may I say welcome to the > newcomers, and also that it's especially nice to see some names > I haven't for awhile-- > , Kerrie, cre8-- just to name a few. I am in a part of my > recovery now where I don't > post (or read) as much as I used to, but I still value all of > you tremendously and am > grateful you're out there when I do need to post. And I need to > now for sure, if only to try > and get some of this slime off me. > > I have a longstanding policy not to watch tv with nada. I > established this before I even > knew about bpd, because she made me so uncomfortable. I didn't > know why then; I just > knew that whenever I tried to watch tv w/her, she made me feel > awful and uncomfortable. > > Well, I know more now. And I've done something that I feel very > guilty about, I think. I > would appreciate input from the rest of the board. For various > reasons, which I hope > include my own newfound skills, I am split very good right now. > Being aware of that, and > being at nada's house one evening recently, I knew that if I > watched a bit of tv with her, I > would be split even more good. And a game show was on, so I > figured that wouldn't be so > bad--no action or characters for nada to comment on, no story > for nada to ugly-fy or > ruin. Boy, was I wrong on that one. > > I watched a game show with nada. Or-well--part of one. First, > overall, I now realize that > nada must make the entire experience about her. Everyone must > have *her* reaction to > the show, whatever it is, and we must in truth be watching > *her*, not the tv. So, she has > to comment and basically be in control of the entire situation. > Watching tv is really not > allowed, you see--only watching her is allowed. I now > understand why she would never > let me watch the XFiles or other sorts of drama shows--she would > always come and try to > ask me some banal question and keep me from hearing key parts of > the dialogue. She > couldn't bear for me to be paying attention to something else, > ANYTHING else. So. Now > that is understood. > > But that's just nada being a three year old. That's not my > moral dilemna. It's this. Now-- > in my defense, I did not plan to watch a show w/nada, and I > didn't have any defenses > planned for this sortof behavior. I had almost forgotten the > type of things she says, > because I avoid these situations. Well, the first thing she > does is start making racist > comments. Several of them. And I did not react at all. I was > perfectly silent. When I was > a child, I used to call her on that sh*t, and all she would do > is just project hostility onto > me--I didn't mean it like *that*, why are you *attacking* me, > why are you so *hostile*? So, > it wouldn't have worked. But that's not why I remained silent. > It's because I didn't want to > get split black. It would have been too painful. I did not > stand up against racism, because > I was trying to avoid the consequences to myself. yes--they > would have been intolerable, > but, my God. I feel awful. > > Then she made some comments that, in her lurid nada way, were > terribly insulting to my > father's family, and yet also terribly racist at the same time. > And by the way, since she is a > high-functioning nada, these are always by implication, they are > never exactly direct. > They are completely obvious for the most part but have the > tiniest amount of wiggle room, > maybe 2%, just enough so that nada can project comfortably if > challenged. Again, I did > not defend my father. I just didn't respond at all. > > Finally, she made several comments about the 'immoral' women on > the show, saying for > example that their 'boobs were hanging out' of their clothes. > I can't tell you how often I > heard that ugly phrase growing up. She was obsessed with it, > and used it to describe > many a normal, modest outfit or prom dress. It made me feel > very uncomfortable, it > always has--it has always made me feel sexually violated. She > cannot handle ANY > sexuality at all, none, and any time any sortof sexuality is > even hinted at on tv, she > projects her discomfort onto the innocents in the room. She > then does not feel it--I do. I > still do. I can't even watch loves scenes in movies by myself, > much less with good friends. > > I know I was in a lose-lose situation, and that confronting her > on each of her appalling > comments would not have made her admit to them or change her > behavior. But maybe > taking on the authoritative parent attitude would have--as some > of you know, it can work > when you say--'no, missy, you will NOT talk about people that > way in front of me, or I'm > leaving', and just stick to your guns on the rule no matter what > they try to project. I wasn't > prepared. I had forgotten, to be honest, what APPALLING things > nada says about other > people. Just insults to peoples' BASIC human dignity. Just > portraying them as ugly and > desperate and pathetic. Finally I walked away from the show, > pretending to be done with > dinner. I know what I am about to say sounds harsh, but as I > walked away I did not see > why my nada had the right to exist on this earth. She > contributes absolutely nothing; or if > she does, it must be cancelled out by the terrible insults and > degradation she commits on > others. > > I want to be in a position where I never have to feel slimed and > compromised like this, as if > I didn't stand up against racism, or for my father, or even for > women who are not *that* > scantily clad, and certainly not in a pornographic movie (which > is how she spoke of > them--it was in her tone). I feel awful about it. No more tv > with nada! I feel so confused, > and guilty because I benefitted from staying silent--I really > did. She did all kinds of > helpful things because I was split good that visit. > > Ugh. Thoughts? I'd appreciate them. > > Take care everyone, > Charlie > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 20, 2006 Report Share Posted September 20, 2006 Oh my goodness -- my nada mutters constantly at the television -- I never connected it with her BPD but it makes perfect sense now! I hate watching TV with her. She's always got to be assessing everything, and if you land on a station she doesn't like, she pointedly leaves the room. Thanks for the lightbulb moment, Charlie! Kyla > > Hi everyone, I've got a recent antecdote I need to share. First may I say welcome to the > newcomers, and also that it's especially nice to see some names I haven't for awhile-- > , Kerrie, cre8-- just to name a few. I am in a part of my recovery now where I don't > post (or read) as much as I used to, but I still value all of you tremendously and am > grateful you're out there when I do need to post. And I need to now for sure, if only to try > and get some of this slime off me. > > I have a longstanding policy not to watch tv with nada. I established this before I even > knew about bpd, because she made me so uncomfortable. I didn't know why then; I just > knew that whenever I tried to watch tv w/her, she made me feel awful and uncomfortable. > > Well, I know more now. And I've done something that I feel very guilty about, I think. I > would appreciate input from the rest of the board. For various reasons, which I hope > include my own newfound skills, I am split very good right now. Being aware of that, and > being at nada's house one evening recently, I knew that if I watched a bit of tv with her, I > would be split even more good. And a game show was on, so I figured that wouldn't be so > bad--no action or characters for nada to comment on, no story for nada to ugly-fy or > ruin. Boy, was I wrong on that one. > > I watched a game show with nada. Or-well--part of one. First, overall, I now realize that > nada must make the entire experience about her. Everyone must have *her* reaction to > the show, whatever it is, and we must in truth be watching *her*, not the tv. So, she has > to comment and basically be in control of the entire situation. Watching tv is really not > allowed, you see--only watching her is allowed. I now understand why she would never > let me watch the XFiles or other sorts of drama shows--she would always come and try to > ask me some banal question and keep me from hearing key parts of the dialogue. She > couldn't bear for me to be paying attention to something else, ANYTHING else. So. Now > that is understood. > > But that's just nada being a three year old. That's not my moral dilemna. It's this. Now-- > in my defense, I did not plan to watch a show w/nada, and I didn't have any defenses > planned for this sortof behavior. I had almost forgotten the type of things she says, > because I avoid these situations. Well, the first thing she does is start making racist > comments. Several of them. And I did not react at all. I was perfectly silent. When I was > a child, I used to call her on that sh*t, and all she would do is just project hostility onto > me--I didn't mean it like *that*, why are you *attacking* me, why are you so *hostile*? So, > it wouldn't have worked. But that's not why I remained silent. It's because I didn't want to > get split black. It would have been too painful. I did not stand up against racism, because > I was trying to avoid the consequences to myself. yes--they would have been intolerable, > but, my God. I feel awful. > > Then she made some comments that, in her lurid nada way, were terribly insulting to my > father's family, and yet also terribly racist at the same time. And by the way, since she is a > high-functioning nada, these are always by implication, they are never exactly direct. > They are completely obvious for the most part but have the tiniest amount of wiggle room, > maybe 2%, just enough so that nada can project comfortably if challenged. Again, I did > not defend my father. I just didn't respond at all. > > Finally, she made several comments about the 'immoral' women on the show, saying for > example that their 'boobs were hanging out' of their clothes. I can't tell you how often I > heard that ugly phrase growing up. She was obsessed with it, and used it to describe > many a normal, modest outfit or prom dress. It made me feel very uncomfortable, it > always has--it has always made me feel sexually violated. She cannot handle ANY > sexuality at all, none, and any time any sortof sexuality is even hinted at on tv, she > projects her discomfort onto the innocents in the room. She then does not feel it--I do. I > still do. I can't even watch loves scenes in movies by myself, much less with good friends. > > I know I was in a lose-lose situation, and that confronting her on each of her appalling > comments would not have made her admit to them or change her behavior. But maybe > taking on the authoritative parent attitude would have--as some of you know, it can work > when you say--'no, missy, you will NOT talk about people that way in front of me, or I'm > leaving', and just stick to your guns on the rule no matter what they try to project. I wasn't > prepared. I had forgotten, to be honest, what APPALLING things nada says about other > people. Just insults to peoples' BASIC human dignity. Just portraying them as ugly and > desperate and pathetic. Finally I walked away from the show, pretending to be done with > dinner. I know what I am about to say sounds harsh, but as I walked away I did not see > why my nada had the right to exist on this earth. She contributes absolutely nothing; or if > she does, it must be cancelled out by the terrible insults and degradation she commits on > others. > > I want to be in a position where I never have to feel slimed and compromised like this, as if > I didn't stand up against racism, or for my father, or even for women who are not *that* > scantily clad, and certainly not in a pornographic movie (which is how she spoke of > them--it was in her tone). I feel awful about it. No more tv with nada! I feel so confused, > and guilty because I benefitted from staying silent--I really did. She did all kinds of > helpful things because I was split good that visit. > > Ugh. Thoughts? I'd appreciate them. > > Take care everyone, > Charlie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 20, 2006 Report Share Posted September 20, 2006 Hey Charlie and all, I'm comming to this post a little late, but YES!!!!! I cannot watch tv with my foo at all and recognized this from a young age. I used to just hide in my room when the TV was on and never come out--I usually got called names for being so " anti-social. " Yeah! Because watching the boob-tube is such a great family experience. Anyway, the racism, the basic sliming of all humanity, the homophobia, the total fixation on any human tragedy(and the need to watch repeated immages of it on 24-hour news) . . .I just couldn't take it. I don't even want to think about the times when I dared to disagree with the foo-version of reality. The rage with which my questioning of racist/homophobic comments was met is seriously some of the worst I've ever experienced and even now, when these topics are even hinted on I start getting freaked out. It's that whole no-win situation of either letting your core beliefs be bulldozerd and just saying nothing or facing the wrath of the entire foo. Either way, you feel anihalated. I think that's partly why I've never been a big TV fan and don't have one today. Trish > > Hi everyone, I've got a recent antecdote I need to share. First may I say welcome to the > newcomers, and also that it's especially nice to see some names I haven't for awhile-- > , Kerrie, cre8-- just to name a few. I am in a part of my recovery now where I don't > post (or read) as much as I used to, but I still value all of you tremendously and am > grateful you're out there when I do need to post. And I need to now for sure, if only to try > and get some of this slime off me. > > I have a longstanding policy not to watch tv with nada. I established this before I even > knew about bpd, because she made me so uncomfortable. I didn't know why then; I just > knew that whenever I tried to watch tv w/her, she made me feel awful and uncomfortable. > > Well, I know more now. And I've done something that I feel very guilty about, I think. I > would appreciate input from the rest of the board. For various reasons, which I hope > include my own newfound skills, I am split very good right now. Being aware of that, and > being at nada's house one evening recently, I knew that if I watched a bit of tv with her, I > would be split even more good. And a game show was on, so I figured that wouldn't be so > bad--no action or characters for nada to comment on, no story for nada to ugly-fy or > ruin. Boy, was I wrong on that one. > > I watched a game show with nada. Or-well--part of one. First, overall, I now realize that > nada must make the entire experience about her. Everyone must have *her* reaction to > the show, whatever it is, and we must in truth be watching *her*, not the tv. So, she has > to comment and basically be in control of the entire situation. Watching tv is really not > allowed, you see--only watching her is allowed. I now understand why she would never > let me watch the XFiles or other sorts of drama shows--she would always come and try to > ask me some banal question and keep me from hearing key parts of the dialogue. She > couldn't bear for me to be paying attention to something else, ANYTHING else. So. Now > that is understood. > > But that's just nada being a three year old. That's not my moral dilemna. It's this. Now-- > in my defense, I did not plan to watch a show w/nada, and I didn't have any defenses > planned for this sortof behavior. I had almost forgotten the type of things she says, > because I avoid these situations. Well, the first thing she does is start making racist > comments. Several of them. And I did not react at all. I was perfectly silent. When I was > a child, I used to call her on that sh*t, and all she would do is just project hostility onto > me--I didn't mean it like *that*, why are you *attacking* me, why are you so *hostile*? So, > it wouldn't have worked. But that's not why I remained silent. It's because I didn't want to > get split black. It would have been too painful. I did not stand up against racism, because > I was trying to avoid the consequences to myself. yes--they would have been intolerable, > but, my God. I feel awful. > > Then she made some comments that, in her lurid nada way, were terribly insulting to my > father's family, and yet also terribly racist at the same time. And by the way, since she is a > high-functioning nada, these are always by implication, they are never exactly direct. > They are completely obvious for the most part but have the tiniest amount of wiggle room, > maybe 2%, just enough so that nada can project comfortably if challenged. Again, I did > not defend my father. I just didn't respond at all. > > Finally, she made several comments about the 'immoral' women on the show, saying for > example that their 'boobs were hanging out' of their clothes. I can't tell you how often I > heard that ugly phrase growing up. She was obsessed with it, and used it to describe > many a normal, modest outfit or prom dress. It made me feel very uncomfortable, it > always has--it has always made me feel sexually violated. She cannot handle ANY > sexuality at all, none, and any time any sortof sexuality is even hinted at on tv, she > projects her discomfort onto the innocents in the room. She then does not feel it--I do. I > still do. I can't even watch loves scenes in movies by myself, much less with good friends. > > I know I was in a lose-lose situation, and that confronting her on each of her appalling > comments would not have made her admit to them or change her behavior. But maybe > taking on the authoritative parent attitude would have--as some of you know, it can work > when you say--'no, missy, you will NOT talk about people that way in front of me, or I'm > leaving', and just stick to your guns on the rule no matter what they try to project. I wasn't > prepared. I had forgotten, to be honest, what APPALLING things nada says about other > people. Just insults to peoples' BASIC human dignity. Just portraying them as ugly and > desperate and pathetic. Finally I walked away from the show, pretending to be done with > dinner. I know what I am about to say sounds harsh, but as I walked away I did not see > why my nada had the right to exist on this earth. She contributes absolutely nothing; or if > she does, it must be cancelled out by the terrible insults and degradation she commits on > others. > > I want to be in a position where I never have to feel slimed and compromised like this, as if > I didn't stand up against racism, or for my father, or even for women who are not *that* > scantily clad, and certainly not in a pornographic movie (which is how she spoke of > them--it was in her tone). I feel awful about it. No more tv with nada! I feel so confused, > and guilty because I benefitted from staying silent--I really did. She did all kinds of > helpful things because I was split good that visit. > > Ugh. Thoughts? I'd appreciate them. > > Take care everyone, > Charlie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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